The Second mrbasehart Film Challenge!

[Compound]

And I've just discovered that the Trial of Billy Jack is a 3 hour movie! 

Yeah, Tom Laughlin doesn't really know the meaning of "edit for length."  "Billy Jack Goes to Washington" is a half hour longer than the film it's based on as well.

[anais.jude]

I mentioned it in my PM, but Pirates, either the XXX version or the R version....although the XXX version is probably a lot more fun to watch 

[gojikranz]

I was also going to watch 4 Months, 3 Weeks., 2 Days, today, but after being somewhat put through the wringer with Diving Bell, I think that'll keep for another day.

good idea but 4months 3 weeks 2 days is a great film kudos to whoever suggested it.

[mrbasehart]

Okay, because anais just requested it (and because I wanted it off my computer as quickly as possible):

Bit of an essay/rant here. Apologie to people who actually read this rubbish:

Pirates XXX is a pornographic pirate movie which borrows a little of the plot and a lot of the style from the Disney Pirates movies, but adds its own filthy, filthy spin on events.  It's ostensibly about a brash, but inexperienced pirate hunter (Evan Stone) who, along with his first-mate (Jesse Jane) are on the trail of blood-thirsty corsair who is on the trail of a mystical object that will give him the ability to take over the world.

Porno movies are usually pretty easy to review: they all suck.  To be fair, I've not seen a whole lot of porn movies, and their primary goal isn't to entertain in the same way other movies do, but as a general rule of thumb: despite all the boning, they're pretty boring.  Perhaps I had some higher hopes for Pirates, not based on much evidence other than it had a slightly bigger budget than most - accord to wiki, it cost over a million dollars to make - and just in terms of scope, seemed to have more ambition than others of its kind.  It still sucked.  There are so many things fundamentally wrong, that relegate the film from being a "proper" movie to a "porno" that it seems kinda churlish to list them, but hey - I have an internet connection, a keyboard and an opinion so I'm going to anyway: 

Acting! There's one passable performance in the movie.  Evan Stone as the lead hero, manages to be what the script wants him to be, brash, arrogant, but also a little unsure of himself.  With time and some better direction, he could be creditable.  All the women are interchangeable bleach blondes who have more skill at putting things into their mouths than having things coming out, and the man who plays the Chinese sailor is so borderline racist, I thought I was watching a sub-Charlie Chan movie.

Sex! Okay, so you're a porno movie.  That's cool, people like sex.  But do you have to make every scene about fucking? I know that sounds facetious, but the movie would be a whole lot better, the sex scenes would have more impact, and it also wouldn't be 2 hours and 10 minutes long.  And why does every sex scene have to end with the man ejaculating all over the woman's face? It's neither sexy or hygenic.

Editing!  Seriously? Over 2 hours for a porno movie? Looking on the imdb, the r-rated version is 80 minutes long.  You keep the gist of the movie, minus some huge dongs and candles in anuses (the big climax of the movie) yet you don't bore the viewer in flaccidity.  Hell, throw some of those bits back in and keep it to 90 minutes. 

Finally, but in terms of porno movies, I think most important:

Context! Alright, so I've mentioned that this isn't a "proper" movie, so complaining about things like anachronistic dialogue or unrealistic characters seems pointless, but it really does seem like the people involved tried to make something greater, so opens itself to criticisms like, "I don't think that shy girl on her wedding night would probably like being folded up like an accordian as her husband, who moments before declared his undying love in flowery language grunts, 'oh yeah, take it' as he hammers her from on top." Coupled with the pirate themed romantic violin music playing beneath, I duly chuckled to myself and the whole atmosphere was ruined.  That kind of thing happens all the time in the movie, where character relationships are forgotten when the boning begins.  You don't drop character for that stuff.  There's a point behind all that talky-plot nonsense before and after and that's to give the scenes in which characters have sex meaning, making the experience more rounded for the viewer and giving the plot-driven porno an advantage over the amateur stuff which seems to have taken over everywhere.

*long exhale*

Yeah, so the movie sucked and there are the reasons I thought why. 

[Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck]

And why does every sex scene have to end with the man ejaculating all over the woman's face? It's neither sexy or hygenic.

1) Because swallowing isn't safe anymore...
2) There are guys who get off on the idea of hitting women in the face like that....because it's disrespectful.  See also Bukaki.  Better yet...don't.

[Tripe]

And why does every sex scene have to end with the man ejaculating all over the woman's face? It's neither sexy or hygenic.

1) Because swallowing isn't safe anymore...
2) There are guys who get off on the idea of hitting women in the face like that....because it's disrespectful.  See also Bukaki.  Better yet...don't.

Certainly I think that's a large part (ooh-er) of it, but I think it started (with the resulting fluid ending up lower down) because it's rather difficult to show that landing where it would normally land in a real life situation featuring lonely housewives and horny plumbers (or buccaneers and wenches as is the case here).

[anais.jude]

Btw the DVD version of this film is a three disc box set with hours of extras and even a commentary by the cast! The lesson learned here: with enough money you too can make a movie as shitty as the room.

[mrbasehart]

Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy is a movie by the cast of the cult TV show The Kids in the Hall, of which I know very little about.  If the series was anything like the movie, I'd find it slightly bizarre, occasionally insipred, but ultimately disappointing.  The movie's very simple plot-wise and concerns some new drug that makes everybody happy, and turns the nerdy scientist who invented it all into a celebrity.  Played by a pretty small cast who have multiple roles, it's all vaguely amusing and enthusiastically performed, but I laughed perhaps twice throughout the entire thing.  That, to me, makes the movie a failure.

[Tripe]

If the series was anything like the movie, I'd find it slightly bizarre, occasionally insipred, but ultimately disappointing. 

I found that to be an apt description of the movie when compared to the show. It sort of lost steam while the show tended to be much better, I think because the conceits only had to last a few minutes rather than the length of a movie.

[D.B. Barnes]

If the series was anything like the movie, I'd find it slightly bizarre, occasionally insipred, but ultimately disappointing. 

I found that to be an apt description of the movie when compared to the show. It sort of lost steam while the show tended to be much better, I think because the conceits only had to last a few minutes rather than the length of a movie.

Yet another instance of stretching a a comedy sketch into a feature-length film. But I do have to say: "CAT ON MY HEAD!!!" 

[goflyblind]

i watched it again tonight, just to see if my brain was not working. it's still as funny as i remember it. sorry it didn't strike your fancy base.

[mrbasehart]

The Trial of Billy Jack is a long, long movie.  Picking up almost directly after the first movie, the infamous Billy Jack, it rambles on for just under 3 hours about peace, love, intolerance with the occasional roundhouse kick and judo chop thrown in for good measure.  Characters are drawn simply, expousing their views in such an identical fashion that it makes one think that Tom Laughlin just wrote a 300 page mission statement and then divvied up the paragraphs among character names.  The main thrust of the story concerns the school that Jean operates and its continuous run-ins with the local townspeople and the corrupt officials that seek to run them out, who've also seemed to have been involved with co-opting part of a Native-American reservation for hunting ground.  There's also Billy Jack's constant spiritual journey, where he seeks to achieve inner peace despite the pressure on him to act against the injustices he is witness to.  There's a brilliantly absurd scene where Billy Jack is on the spirit quest inside his own mind, and painted red from head-to-toe, where a spirit guide actually gets him to bitch slap people, and then tells him why those people react the way they do.  And then he bitch slaps Jesus.  Bitch slaps Jesus! I'm not joking, here it is:

(no sound, but you get the idea)

Anyways, apart from the 5 minute segment in which all the psychadelic stuff happens and aside from the wonderfully naive idealism of the school (something I quite like about the 60s and 70s) , it's all quite boring and poorly played out.  And it's 3 hours long. 

[mrbasehart]

i watched it again tonight, just to see if my brain was not working. it's still as funny as i remember it. sorry it didn't strike your fancy base.

I didn't hate it though, which is a testament to the skill of the performers.  I don't know how big a fan you are of Kids in the Hall, but are you aware they're making a new series next year? It's not called Kids in the Hall, but it's got everyone from that show in.  It's called Death Comes to Town.

[Artie]

If the series was anything like the movie, I'd find it slightly bizarre, occasionally insipred, but ultimately disappointing. 

I found that to be an apt description of the movie when compared to the show. It sort of lost steam while the show tended to be much better, I think because the conceits only had to last a few minutes rather than the length of a movie.

The movie isn't bad but the show is much, much better.   So if you like the inspired parts, then watch cause there is more of that.

[Darth Geek]

If the series was anything like the movie, I'd find it slightly bizarre, occasionally insipred, but ultimately disappointing. 

I found that to be an apt description of the movie when compared to the show. It sort of lost steam while the show tended to be much better, I think because the conceits only had to last a few minutes rather than the length of a movie.

The movie isn't bad but the show is much, much better.   So if you like the inspired parts, then watch cause there is more of that.

Yeah. I like the movie, but it's not great. The show was just brilliant, though.
"I crush your head!"