Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)

[LucasM]

Hopefully the Subject line says it all.  This thread is to share favorite jokes or riddles.  If at ALL possible, ones that YOU thought of, but that's not necessary, as long as you think they are really funny.  Please label them if they are your own creation so you get 'credit'.

When posting, PLEASE put the punch line in a 'spoiler' area, so people have time to see if they can figure it out.   

I'll start with two.  One I heard (and greatly embellished), the other I made up.


The one I heard and embellished:

A Hispanic woman married an Arabic man.  After a year together, she gave birth to identical twins.  In honor of their heritage(s), they named the first "Ahmal" after his father's Arabic roots, and the second was named "Juan" after his mother's Hispanic roots.

The boys had a great childhood and were good friends.  However, when they were 10 years old they were abducted.

The parents were torn apart by this.  The police were notified, and they came to the house and took the parents' statements.  As the police were collecting information, the mother gave the officer a photo and said, "here is a picture of Juan."

The officer looked at it briefly and said, "thank you ma'am, but is there a picture of your other son we could have as well?"

The mother replied, "well, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



And a riddle that I thought of that I'll share here:

Q: What happens if you add Viagra to the drinking water in a penal colony?

A:  You get 'hardened' criminals.

[Johnny Unusual]

I spoke to God recently.

I asked God, "God, what is a million years to you"

God Spoke "A million years is but a second"

I thought a moment.

"What is a million dollars to you?"

God Spoke, "a million dollars is but a quarter."

"Can I borrow a quarter?"

"Just a second"

[darkchashy]

What do you get when George jumps into a bush?

George Bush
(I had them rolling down the isles in my second grade lunch room)

[Tripe]

So there's this convent that, true to their mission, is situated right in the inner city. Over the years the neighbourhood  has become the haunt of Ladies of negotiable affection and their clients.

Noticing this the nuns decide upon a plan to raise funds.

They post cards around the neighborhood reading "come get screwed by the sisters of mercy". Then they place a little red light above their door and wait.

Presently there is a knock on the door and, when the sister novice opens it, a very pent up looking bloke standing there.

"Where do I go?" he demands

The sister novice directs him to head up a flight of stairs. At the top is a tiny wizened nun with a cash box.

"How much?" demands the would be John

"$75" the old wrinkly bride of Christ informs him

The man eagerly hands over his money and the pious old dear places it in the cash box.

"Where do I go?" the bloke demands again

With a gnarled finger the old lady nun indicates that he should head down a different flight of stairs. So he does as directed.

At the bottom of the stairs is a very pretty nun standing by a doorway. The man, very pleased with what he sees sidles up to her.

Before he can say anything, the pretty nun tells him that he must go through the door.

Excitedly he does so.

Spoiler

Only to find himself back on the street on the other side of the convent. The door slams shut behind him and he discovers there's no way to open it from the outside. There is however s little sign in beautiful copperplate handwriting that reads:

[mike5150]

I spoke to God recently.

I asked God, "God, what is a million years to you"

God Spoke "A million years is but a second"

I thought a moment.

"What is a million dollars to you?"

God Spoke, "a million dollars is but a quarter."

"Can I borrow a quarter?"

"Just a second"

wait wait wait.....sideswipe is right? He IS God? 
(that one was going out to my chat guys and gal, LET ME HEAR YOU OUT THERE!!)

[Darth Geek]

Here's two I made up a while ago.

A stupid person tells a joke. He says: A duck is eating at a restaurant. The waiter asks the duck, "Do you want more wine." The duck replies, "Yes, put it on my tab."


A stupid person tells a joke. He says: "Knock".

[mike5150]

A man rushes into a bar and says to the bartender in a panic "Quick, give me ten shots of the finest whiskey you have in the bar!!"

The bartender quickly goes behind the bar and grabs some 80 yr. old scotch that he saves for special occasions

The man then proceeds to shoot them one after the other, finishing them all in less than a minute

The bartender says "Whoa, you know I've been a bartender for 25 yrs, and I've never seen anyone shoot that much whiskey that fast

The man looks at the bartender and says "Yeah, well you would drink like that too, if you had what I have!

The bartender asks Oh my God, what do you have?

The man reaches into his pocket and says "Oh,  it looks like about 35 cents."

[Pak-Man]

Here's one I made up myself:


So Godzilla and Gamera are trashing Hollywood. They've been at it all day, devouring various celebrities. Eventually, Godzilla starts to slow down. Gamera looks concerned.

"Come on. Don't you want to take a bite of Will Smith? He's delicious!"

"No," Godzilla says. "I've had too much. I couldn't possibly."

Gamera tries again, "Well how about Kate Moss? There's barely anything there!"

"Sorry," Godzilla says. I'm stuffed.

"Suit yourself," Gamera says, and continues devouring Hollywood. He tears through scads of movie and music celebrities, but when he picks up Jennifer Lopez, Godzilla hits him with his atomic breath, wrests her from Gamera's claws, and devours her himself.

Gamera is puzzled. "What gives? I thought you were full."

Godzilla smiles. "Well there's always room for J-Lo!"

[mrbasehart]

Heh.  Nice one Pak.   

There are two jokes I was told as a kid that have stuck with me for some reason.

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

A "wonkey".

This one a friend of mine made up:

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

[LucasM]

Here's one I made up myself:


So Godzilla and Gamera are trashing Hollywood. They've been at it all day, devouring various celebrities. Eventually, Godzilla starts to slow down. Gamera looks concerned.

"Come on. Don't you want to take a bite of Will Smith? He's delicious!"

"No," Godzilla says. "I've had too much. I couldn't possibly."

Gamera tries again, "Well how about Kate Moss? There's barely anything there!"

"Sorry," Godzilla says. I'm stuffed.

"Suit yourself," Gamera says, and continues devouring Hollywood. He tears through scads of movie and music celebrities, but when he picks up Jennifer Lopez, Godzilla hits him with his atomic breath, wrests her from Gamera's claws, and devours her himself.

Gamera is puzzled. "What gives? I thought you were full."

Godzilla smiles. "Well there's always room for J-Lo!"

Abso-frickin-lutely SUPERB!!   



This next one's mine.  It is really an aural riddle (as the writing of it distorts the punch line).  So try telling it to people (rather than send in an e-mail, for instance).  The final line - the chick pea's comment - MUST be said in a kind-of Brooklyn accent, or it simply doesn't work.  [It helps also, when telling it, to add some 'exhaustion' to your voice when describing what it went through.  ]


Q:   What did one chick pea say to the other chick pea, after being ground up, mixed with spices, and then fried?

A:  "I fel-aful!"

     [['feel awful'  and  'felafel' ... hence the need for the Brooklyn accent, the only way to make the first meaning legitimately sound like the second]]


This next one's mine, also:

Q:   What kind of cave people spent their life just kind-of wandering around instead of hunting and gathering?
A:   Meanderthals

[LucasM]

Here's another one I just came up with last night...


Q:  If your canine companion wakes up scared and yelping night after night, what is the most likely cause?

A:  Night terriers

[THE QUEEN!!!]

Not mine, but it amuses me.

Two muffins are in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other and says, "Man, it's HOT in here!"
The other muffin says,
"AAAA!!!!! TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

well I like it.

[THE QUEEN!!!]

Oh, here's another one:

Wanna hear a dirty joke?: Bob fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke?: Bob took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?: Bubbles lives next door

[Steve-O]

Not mine, but a personal favorite:

Q: Why did the elephant join the French Foreign Legion?

A: To forget.

[AmazingThor]

Not mine either but still a classic:

1: Knock knock.

2: Who's there?

1: 9/11.

2: 9/11 who?

1: *sob* You said you'd never foget!