Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)

[LBeria]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
(My 10-year-old said I had to post those).

What's red and green and goes 1000 miles-per-hour in a circle?
A frog in a blender.

For the not-so-sensitive....A baby seal walks into a club.

For the bored with the usual....A rabbi, a priest, a Buddhist, and an evangelist walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says, "What is this?  Some kind of joke??"

I'll try to remember more....

[THE QUEEN!!!]

This is a good joke, though technically it's a quote from the Bob Newhart Show, but I think it's very clever and works on its own.

BOB: "There are three women for every man in Chicago"
JERRY: "Yeah, but I don't like my three."

[LBeria]

My husband and son dared me to post this...so I will...but it's their fault if you (1) think it's too long or (2) hate it.

Once upon a time there was an enchanted land.  In this enchanted land there was a mountain called Trid Mountain.  At the base of Trid Mountain were the Trids -- small, inch-high (not too unlike Smurfs), Jewish creatures who lived in peace and harmony with their surroundings.  They had happy homes and grew happy crops in their fields.  But their favorite food was grapes.  Sadly, the only place that grapes grew was at the very top of Trid Mountain.

At the top of Trid Mountain was the most wonderful vineyard there had ever been.  But, also at the top of Trid Mountain, was a big, mean, evil, ugly giant who hated Trids and did not want to share his wonderful grapes with them.

One day, the Trids were hungry for grapes and one suggested to the others that they climb to the top of Trid Mountain to get some.  So, they gathered at the bottom of the mountain.  And they walked, and they ran, and they walked, and they ran, and they walked, and walked, and ran, and walked, and stopped -- because that's a long way for a Trid.  Then they walked, and they ran, and they walked, and they ran, and they walked, and walked, and ran, and walked, and stopped.  There they were at the top of Trid Mountain.  They saw the grapes and ran forward into the vineyard.

At the same time, the big, mean, evil, ugly giant looked out of his window and said, "Trids!  All over my vineyard!!"  And he ran outside and kicked them off the mountain.

The Trids lay at the bottom of the mountain.  Finally, one picked himself up and brushed himself off.  He said to the others, "Why do we let him do that?  We're not very large.  Why does he hate us?  I want some grapes!  Who's going with me?"  Soon a cheer went up and the trids all decided to go back up the mountain.

So, they gathered at the bottom of the mountain.  And they walked, and they ran, and they walked, and they ran, and they walked, and walked, and ran, and walked, and stopped -- because that's a long way for a Trid.  Then they walked, and they ran, and they walked, and they ran, and they walked, and walked, and ran, and walked, and stopped.  There they were at the top of Trid Mountain.  They saw the grapes and ran forward into the vineyard.

Then, the big, mean, evil, ugly giant saw that they had returned and yelld, "Trids!  All over my vineyard!!"  And he ran outside and kicked them off the mountain.

After a moment, one of the Trids said, "We've been going about this the wrong way!  We can't possibly take that many grapes from the giant and he has plenty!  Let's take our Rabbi with us and he can talk reason to the giant!"  The other Trids cheered and went to get the Rabbi.  Convinced that he could help make a difference, the Rabbi agreed to go.

So, they gathered at the bottom of the mountain.  And they walked, and they ran, and they walked, and they ran, and they walked, and walked, and ran, and walked, and stopped -- because that's a long way for a Trid.  Then they walked, and walked, and walked, and walked -- they were getting really tired by now -- and walked, and walked, and ran, and walked, and stopped.  They were standing at the top of Trid Mountain.  And there, too, was the big, mean, evil, ugly giant.

Just as the big, mean, evil, ugly giant was about to kick the Trids off the mountain again, the Rabbi stepped forward.

"Oh big, mean, evil, ugly giant," the Rabbi began.  "These Trids are peaceful people.  They love grapes and cannot help themselves for you have grown the finest vineyard ever.  They can't possibly eat too many and you have oh so much!  Please share with them.  Please find it in your heart to share -- or else you can kick me down the mountain and the rest will follow."

The big, mean, evil, ugly giant stood and thought for a moment.  Then he said,

"Silly Rabbi....kicks are for Trids."

[FLOCK of RABID SHEEP?!?!]

lberia, that was a pretty good one, if a bit long,

i have a few that i got mostly from a book called the pretty good joke book

"two gold fish are in a tank when one says to the other...
'Do you know how to drive this thing?'"

how do you make a handkerchief dance?
put a little boogy in it.

a man walks into a bar and says...
OW!

why did they do a recall of the latest mercuries?
they found a little tuna in them

how do you piss of an agnostic?
by burning a question mark in their front lawn

those are some that i've memorized...more later

[LBeria]

lberia, that was a pretty good one, if a bit long,

Yeah...that was kinda the point...    It's great watching people either (1) start rolling their eyes or (2) chanting along with you as you tell the whole thing out loud. 

[mattwnelson]

Not mine, but an oldie that I liked. It's a really good one for telling, but loses a bit in the reading.

So there's these two guys sitting in a bar, drinking. This bar happens to be located near the top of the Empire State building.
The first guy turns to the second guy and says, "Hey, you wanna hear something really cool?" Second guy says, "Sure." First guy says, "If you run over to the window there and jump out, when you come to the tenth floor, the wind'll push you right back into this open window on the building!"
The second guy shakes his head and says, "That's impossible, man -- you're even drunker'n me!" So the first guy says, "Wait, I'll prove it!" Before anyone can stop him, he turns, runs at the window, and leaps out. Horrified, the second man looks out the window, expecting to see him splattered on the ground below. But as he watches the first man fall, suddenly, as he reaches the tenth floor - WHOOSH! He vanishes into an open window.
The second guy turns from the window, and a few moments later, in walks the first guy again. "See? Told you!"
"That was a one-in-a-million chance!" shouts the second guy. "Okay, I'll prove it again!" says the first. He runs, jumps out the window, and when he comes to the tenth, WHOOSH! In he goes again. He returns, looks at the second guy, and says, "Every time!"
"I GOTTA TRY THIS!" shouts the second guy. He jumps out the window and falls - aaaaallllll the way down to the pavement below, where he lands with a SPLAT!
The first guy starts rolling over laughing his head off, and the bartender, there the whole time, looks at him and says,
"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

[Darth Geek]

Good one, M@

[LucasM]

how do you piss of an agnostic?
by burning a question mark in their front lawn

Superb! 

[Fuzzy Necromancer]

How many Matinee movie watchers does it take to a change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw out the old bulb, and one to say "George, he's changing the light bulb!"


How many conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The darkness will cause the bulb to change itself.

Doctor: "Well Mrs. Hooberman, you aren't going deaf, you just have a suppository lodged in your ear."
The woman paused thoughtfully, and then said
Well, now I know what happened to my hearing aid.

What's 20ft long and smells like urine?
Line dancing at the old folk's home!

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About three beers.

Scottland: where the men are men and the sheep are nervous.




Now that I've got those out of the way, it's time for my own creations =o
These jokes are not yet rated by the MMPA. I'm eager for feedback to see if any of them are keepers.



How many declining actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but you have to make sure their are toasted ham sandwiches in Nicolas Cage's trailer.

People thinks she's an evil bitch, but Ann Coulter really is a nice woman. She's thougtful, she's cultured, she's charming, she cares about her kid, and she's got a golden monkey for a daemon. No, sorry, I'm thinking of the wrong person...

How many Greek gods does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to transform the dead bulb into a new musical instrument, one to turn a pair of dying lovers into a socket and a 60 watt electric bulb, so they will always be united,  and one to screw a wood nymph.

How many presidential cabinet members does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twelve. One to smash the dead bulb with a chair and eleven to explain why the darkness is the fault of a previous administration.


How do you tell a buisness major from a creative writing major during an economic recession?

The buisness major is the guy sitting furthest from the garbage can fire.

[LucasM]

Heard this recently:


A blonde and her husband are watching a TV, when a newscaster interrupts with a breaking news headline: "Two Brazilian Men Dead In A Terrible Skydiving Accident, News at 10".

The blonde begins to sob uncontrollably and collapses on her husband's shoulder, clearly devastated by the news. Between her tears, she gasps, "Sooo many men dying that way! How horrible!"

Confused, her husband replies, "Yes, it is sad, but honey, skydiving involves risk, and they certainly must have known what they were getting into, and, in group jumps like that, a lot more people could have been hurt."

After a few minutes, with her sobs gradually subsiding, she sniffles out, "ok... How many exactly is a brazillion?"

[LucasM]

Someone e-mailed this to me recently:

My Inconclusive travel plans 2012


I have been in many places, like... I have been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go, so I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, people say it's easier to get there as you get older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense: it really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!

Sadly, I've never been to Cahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.  But it must be nice: I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.  They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, work, and assorted life situations.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

[LucasM]

Another one I was e-mailed:

It Was a Dark - and - Stormy Night


Joe Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.... As it happens, they were doing so near Transylvania.  They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.  It was late and raining very hard.  Joe could barely see the road in front of the car.  Suddenly, the car skids out of control!  Joe attempts to control the car, but to no avail.  The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Joe shakes his head to clear the fog.  Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!  He knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Joe carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.  After a short while, he sees a light.  He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.  He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes.  A small, hunch-backed man opens the door.  Joe immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Joe Hill, and this is my wife Betty.  We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.  Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone."  He pauses, then says,  "but my master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"

Joe brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs.  "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you.  I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.  However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training.  I will see what I can do.  Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Joe following closely..  Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.  Joe collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Joe on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.  "Things are serious, Igor.  Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.  Joe and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths trouble Igor's master greatly.  Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano.  For it is here that he has always found solace.  He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.  His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.  Stunned, he watches as Joe's arm begins to rise, ALSO marking the beat!  He is further amazed as Betty and Joe both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.  He bursts in and shouts:

"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

[mike5150]

A guy walks into a Doctors office with a frog on his head.
The Doctor says "what's wrong with you?"
The FROG says "I don't know, it started with a bump on my ass."

[mike5150]

knock knock
Who's there?
Goliath.
Goliath who?
Goliath down, you looketh tired.

[Dr Ahmad Makhini]

I had a turbulent affair with a Mary Kay saleswoman.

We kept breaking apart, but the make-up sex was fantastic.