Funny Jokes of Yours They Didn't Use

[Junkyard]

Another one they used silence for instead of a joke was when Batman cuts the power to Robin's motorcycle and he starts skidding down the statue's arm. I put "Yeah, this is WAY safer."

I had the same thought at that point. I'm surprised they didn't use that line -- it would have been a perfect fit!

Another one of my lines. Maybe it was just too obvious?

[Jinto]

When Freeze jumped out of the rocket and extended his metal wings, I had a riff where the guys would sing the first lines of the Silverhawks cartoon theme song:
"Wings of silver.. Nerves of steel... Silverrrrrhawks!"

I also had a Silverhawks joke there. Chris didn't think it was funny (or maybe he didn't get the reference).

A perfect example of needing to include a riff because "...the right people will get it..." if ever I saw one.

[Isaac S.]

My favorite that didn't get used was when Bruce asked Alfred if he was pigheaded.

I put down, "More like bobbleheaded, sir."

[jetjaguar15]

0:17:05   "..the limbic system"   "Lionel Luthor really has gone off the deep end"      


I have a smallville joke that didn't get used..

[WholeLottaMilka]

(The WB logo freezes)
The cryogenic freezing of Bugs Bunny.

Ivy: It seems I've had a change of heart...
... it's a rutabaga now.

Ivy: I've always hankered for smething on the water...
...and I hanker for a hunk of cheese.

Ivy: His name is Bane...
... he falls mainly on the plain.

Ivy: Try not to make a mess when you die...
... in other words, don't crap yourself!

I also wrote a riff about how the plug for Freeze's wife's chamber looks like a connector to a cable box.

[Steve-O]

Most of my lines that didn't get used were lesser-quality throwaways, so no big whoop.  Here are my favorites out of those that ended up on the floor of the cutting room:

0:02:38 ^ Batman gets behind the wheel.
"The nice thing about having George Clooney in your car is that you don't have to buy one of those dashboard bobbleheads."

0:06:59 ^ The dynamic duo have brought along their skates.
"What a stroke of luck they wore those boots instead of the ones that turn into golf cleats!"

0:22:21 ^ (Bruce): "...ten hours in the simulator training."
"They have a chasing-an-insane-cryogenically-frozen-doctor simulator?"

0:28:42 ^ We see the wife-aquarium.
Riffer 1: "Why would you keep your dead wife in a big aquarium?"  Riffer 2: "I think that tank's for the memories."

0:35:28 ^ (Bruce Wayne): "Just don't point it at my bedroom."
(Bruce): "Robin likes to sleep in."

0:37:43 ^ (Gossip Gertie): "Batman and Robin protect us, even from plants and flowers."
(Gertie): "Why, just last week they saved us from a rampaging herb garden."   

0:39:41 ^ Freeze checks out Frosty's newspaper.
(Freeze): "There's a sale at Penney's!"

0:41:22 ^ Close-up on a large, curly-haired ape.
"Sally Struthers is here!  They must be auctioning something off for Africa next."

0:45:37 ^ Freeze busts in.
(mock shouting) "Wait! Mr. Freeze! This isn't necessary! All you have to do to fund your research is auction off your honeypot!"   

0:48:42 ^ (Bane): "Grrrrr. Monkey work!"
(Bane): "Grrrr! Throw poo!"   

0:48:44 ^ We see a big statue hand.
"If you cover up three up those fingers, you'll see a secret message from Joel Schumacher to Batman fans."

0:52:11 ^ (Alfred): "Batman monopolized the evening news."
(Bruce): "No, Alfred, that was 'Bartman'.  The kids can't get enough of those Simpsons T-shirts."   

0:53:25 ^ (Alfred): "...an attempt to control death itself."  (Bruce): "But I can't, can I?"  (Alfred): "None of us can."
(Alfred): "And you, Master Bruce, can't even control your neck muscles."

1:03:01 ^ Some balloons are released, then Coolio raises his starting gat.
(Coolio): "Balloons?" (Coolio fires) "Man, I hate balloons!"

1:05:36 ^ Dick and Barbara slide toward the precipice
"That side bet that guy made was not terribly well thought out."

1:06:21 ^ (Robin): "Don't tell me you want to run off and join the circus."
(Barbara): "No. I want to learn how to talk out of both sides of my mouth."

1:09:40 ^ The guards have green mouths.
Riffer 1: "Wow, if she can do that with her mouth, I'd hate to see what she does with her..."  Riffer 2: "You stop that right now!"  Riffer 1: "Sorry, just thinking out loud."

1:11:21 ^ Freeze freezes the sink with a distressingly phallic-looking dohickey.
"Please tell me that thing came out of his sleeve."

1:17:24 ^ (Ivy): "Try not to make a mess when you die."
(Batman, cheerfully): "Oh, don't worry.  Suit's got a built in diaper for those long pursuits!"

1:30:45 ^ Bruce hugs Alfred.
(Bruce): "Your hair smells amazing, Alfred. Is that cucumber melon?"

1:32:05 ^ Pan up the giant Indian holding the observatory.
(Freeze): "Oh, no!  It's Apache Chief!  Run for it!"

1:33:27 ^ (Scientist): "All the crystals are in place." (Other scientist): "Thank you."
"Let our testing of the world's largest Bedazzler begin!"

1:35:36 ^ (Alfred): "Intruder alert! Intruder alert!"
Riffer 1: "Oh, cool! She's playing live action Berzerk!"  Riffer 2: "Watch out for Evil Otto!"

1:40:37 ^ Ivy gets munched.
"You know, if you're the sort of person who says 'curses' a lot, it might not be the best idea to make that your giant mutant plant's attack word."

1:42:33 ^ Another cop car crashes into the Chinese diner.
"Half an hour later they're just going to want to crash into another restaurant."

1:42:46 ^ Bat-vehicles on ice.
Riffer 1: "They sure have a lot of custom vehicles for very specific situations."  Riffer 2: "Oh, I'm sure the need for a Bat-fan-Zamboni probably comes up all the time."

1:43:17 ^ Freeze's henchman shoots bottle rockets at them.
(Henchman): "Ha! I will repel you with this small scale fireworks display! Leave now, or I will startle you with a Piccolo Pete!"

1:44:58 ^ (Batman): "These heaters will thaw them."
(Batman): "And you thought the groin defroster was a waste of research dollars."

1:48:18 ^ Bane spews brain goo onto the ice.
"Yet another good reason why you should never eat the yellow snow."

1:57:48 ^ Alfred clears his throat.
(Alfred): "The good news is, I'm cured.  The bad news is, my glowing, blue pee just melted the upstairs toilet."

There was also a running gag I quite liked, which posited that the reason there were so many pointless showers of sparks in the movie is that much of Gotham is constructed out of Wint-O-Green Life Savers.  But I'll spare you the details. 

[Raven]

1:09:40 ^ The guards have green mouths.
Riffer 1: "Wow, if she can do that with her mouth, I'd hate to see what she does with her..."  Riffer 2: "You stop that right now!"  Riffer 1: "Sorry, just thinking out loud."

One I thought of but didn't submit because I was pretty sure it wouldn't be allowed-

when Poison Ivy was listing her new plant features it went like this. 

^ my veins are filled with chlorophyl... ^

... and you should see my bush. 

Might have made it given the "did you try waxing" line made it. 

[Ortega]

The ones that got in were the ones i was most proud of, so no big whoop for me either. But here are some that i thought had potential

0:16:35^ "...Our mystery bidder!"   ^*cough* Dick Cheney *cough*

0:41:56   ^Purple Gorilla starts to dance   ^(in gorilla voice, singing) My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!....Damn right!, Its better than yours......

0:56:51   Neon gang drinking and partying   Ach! Apparently its Día De Los Muertos in the rave crowd....( honestly, now that i think about it, it was a weird tangent, and i thought the Welcome to Hot Topic " was much better)

I put a few runnings gags in the script.  Bascially when ever anyone threw Robin down,who ever  it was , Batman, Ivy, Bane or Freeze, all the riffers would cheer. I also set up a running gag that Batman buys all of his gadgets and vehicles from the "Deus Ex Machina Corporation".  And pretty much when ever Ivy spoke in front of Bane, Bane would basically complain.

0:56:26   Uma Talking incessantly, bane behind her   (as Bane, mumbling) Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up...

And pretty much whenever Alfred was onscreen, i put a lot of lines of him trying to leave the movie.

and my end riff was short and sweet....

1:58:59   "Partners?"   (all three riffers) JUST END!!!!!!

[doggans]

1:03:01 ^ Some balloons are released, then Coolio raises his starting gat.
(Coolio): "Balloons?" (Coolio fires) "Man, I hate balloons!"

We had a similar joke to this, followed up with a "GRRR! Destroy all balloons!" when the motorcycles seem to start running them over.

[Minnesota]

1:09:40 ^ The guards have green mouths.
Riffer 1: "Wow, if she can do that with her mouth, I'd hate to see what she does with her..."  Riffer 2: "You stop that right now!"  Riffer 1: "Sorry, just thinking out loud."

One I thought of but didn't submit because I was pretty sure it wouldn't be allowed-

when Poison Ivy was listing her new plant features it went like this. 

^ my veins are filled with chlorophyl... ^

... and you should see my bush. 

Might have made it given the "did you try waxing" line made it. 

I had a favorite joke for that spot. Too bad, it would've been funny to make the guys do Sandler

(Billy Madison voice): "Clorifill? More like Borifill"

[stansimpson]

1:09:40 ^ The guards have green mouths.
Riffer 1: "Wow, if she can do that with her mouth, I'd hate to see what she does with her..."  Riffer 2: "You stop that right now!"  Riffer 1: "Sorry, just thinking out loud."

One I thought of but didn't submit because I was pretty sure it wouldn't be allowed-

when Poison Ivy was listing her new plant features it went like this. 

^ my veins are filled with chlorophyl... ^

... and you should see my bush. 

Might have made it given the "did you try waxing" line made it. 

I had a favorite joke for that spot. Too bad, it would've been funny to make the guys do Sandler

(Billy Madison voice): "Clorifill? More like Borifill"

I didn't think of the "borophyll" joke until I was actually watching the movie with the final riffs!  I was equally mad at myself for not thinking of it and then for it not being used.  There was blank space for it, so I'm guessing either nobody got the reference or it just wasn't funny enough.

I was most proud of (and of course never used) my referencing of one of Mr. Freeze's henchman as the G.I. Joe character Snow Job:

[bettertomorrowamy]

Mine that I thought were good:

00:05:51 ^ "You break it, you buy it." ^ Please Clooney, no Iraq War speeches.

00:55:08 ^ "Welcome home frost-face." ^ (Jesse Ventura voice) You're in Minnesota now where I'm the most famous actor slash governor!

00:57:58 ^ Bain knocks a beam down ^ No wait Bain, that's a structural support beam!

01:11:29 ^ "Always winterize your pipes." ^ I'm being serious here.  Not just another bad joke.  Pipe damage in the winter time can become a serious financial hardship.  Be safe this winter.

01:34:24 ^ Bain says Bong a lot ^ Yeah, yeah, Bain you got lots of bongs, we probably only need one.  But thanks!

[Blue Raja]

Without being able to see my script, here's some off the top of my head I remember using that I thought could've worked:

During the initial hockey thug fight scene, at one point Batman throws one of the thug's hockey sticks casually off camera, barely even looking.  It seemed like the perfect time to throw in a cat-screeching-in-pain sound effect, so I put that down.  It made my family laugh when I tested it with them, but I guess that didn't appeal to everyone. 

In the scene during which Poison Ivy (in disguise) is lecturing everyone at the telescope's construction/inauguration thing, where she's telling them about the plants re-taking over and whatnot, at the line where (I believe) she says something to the effect of: "The day of reckoning is coming...*nods*...that's right...", I added (as a nod to "The Dead Talk Back" episode): "My mom SAID so."  I think it could've worked if Mike had used the same tone he did in the said MST3K ep, but oh well.

Also, in Dr. John Glover's lab, where Poison Ivy looks at the big vault door, and we hear a loud scream, the original line given was "They've locked Roger Ebert in a closet!"  For me, the scream sounded an AWFUL lot like Mr. Crocker from "Fairly Oddparents," so I had them saying: (Riffer 1) "Hey, it's Mr. Crocker!"  (Riffer 2, optional, in same voice as screamer) "FAIRIES!"

(The Roger Ebert line was great, but the only thing that rubbed me wrong about it was that I remember reading Roger's review of B&R, and he actually didn't HATE the movie like many others did - he only wished they'd fleshed out Batman's character more.   Oh, they "fleshed" out his character, alright...more than anybody cared to behold, to put it mildly.)

And did anyone else put anything regarding Poison Ivy whenever she sported those "hair breasts" resembling Miss Piggy from behind?  I guess it was either too obvious, or too much of a stretch in the eyes of some.

I also had a few (like many here) during the many dead spots at the end of the film (one personal favorite of mine regarding the abrupt change in music during which the camera panned up the observatory statue while it was frozen), but that issue was already addressed, so that's fine with me.

Still, all in all, the riff turned out great, and I'm proud to have been a part of it.    Many thanks again to Chris and James.

I'll list some more whenever I can get back to my script.

[RoninFox]

I also had a Yabba Dabba Doo line for Batman sliding down the dinosaur, but then again they used my eHarmony reference right before that happened to I can't complain too much.

The first time Arkham Asylum had an establishing shot I thought it was perfect for (As Gollum) "Shire!  Baggins!" but at least a different LOTR reference got in.

I too was disappointed in the lack of Jessie Ventura reference, mine was "I ain't got time to freeze"

Then there was the "nice stems though" "buds too" conversation that I added "I'm more of a stamen guy myself."

For "The Ice Man Cometh" I had "I thought we all agreed Arnold was never allowed to say the word come again"  Perhaps that was a little more than people wanted to think about.

and Freeze's "That's my exit cue"  I put "He's serious, that was the director, desperately throwing himself at Arnold to get him out of the shot."

and as Barbara climbed down the rope to get out of Wayne Manor (Announcer voice)  "Batman and Robin!  Now with 33% more ass than previous Batman films!"

and Freeze watching the video of his wife as his eyes close and he looks so sad "He just got the quarterly financial report from Planet Hollywood."

There's more, but I'll leave it at that for now.

[bratpop]

And did anyone else put anything regarding Poison Ivy whenever she sported those "hair breasts" resembling Miss Piggy from behind?

"From behind, she looks like an evil Muppet."

The first time Arkham Asylum had an establishing shot I thought it was perfect for (As Gollum) "Shire!  Baggins!" but at least a different LOTR reference got in.

I still say it looks exactly like Hogwarts from the third movie on. I know because they made a cake of it on Ace of Cakes and it had that same exact tower with the bridge leading to it. BTW what part of Hogwarts is that supposed to be anyway?