Funny Jokes of Yours They Didn't Use

[Raven]

The Ventura jokes would have required you to know that was Jesse Ventura. I had to check the credits to be sure. I thought maybe it was that dog from Men in Black.

It was Ventura.  I'd know that mug anywhere. 

[bratpop]

Did you say "mug" or "pug"?

[Raven]

mug  as in (mug shot / face / visage / outward cranial appearance) take you pick. 

[Insert Coin(s) to Continue]

Here are some that I thought were funny that they didn't use:

("This is why Superman works alone")
"Please pay no attention to Jimmy Olsen, Superboy, Krypto the Superdog, Supergirl, or Superman's years in The Justice League."

(Thugs appear on screen)
Those thugs are on loan from the Ninja Turtles movie.
[ok, not that funny, but someone had to note how much those guys looked like Ninja Turtles villains]

("You get the ice. I'll get the ice man.")
"Yes, in times of peril and panic, always make your advice as cryptic and misleading as possible."

("What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!")
"Meteorite Man wasn't happy with that line..."
[I like the one they used better]

(Freeze's car)
"That's a bit what I imagined 50 Cent's car would look like."

(Batman jumps into Freeze's rocket)
"Wow. Batman just dove head-first into Freeze's large, phallic object..."

(Rocket breaks through window)
"That's just a metaphor for what's going on INSIDE the rocket..."

("At 30,000 feet your heart will freeze and beat no more.")
"Oh no! What will the Partridge Family feel, then?"

(Bat bomb)
"So...how many of those touch-activated Bat Bombs does he carry on him at any given time? And does nobody in the city find it odd how much extra-military-level weaponry is shipped to Wayne Manor?"

(Freeze on wings)
"I can see my California empire from here!"

(Freeze, Batman, and Robin are running through a door-infested tunnel)
"Hey! They're running through Cambot's tunnel!"

("These animals will be able to fight back like animals.")
"Like sick baby tapirs, but, hey, it's an improvement."

(Scream from behind doors)
"They're test screening the movie back there."

(Pre-Bane strapped to table)
"He has an Xbox strapped to his chest!"
[I'm surprised no one made note of this]

("The ideal killing machine.")
"Other than...oh...a gun of any kind..."

(Camera cuts to shot of long hallway)
"Hello, Danny. Come and play with us."
[Like in The Shining ... nevermind ...]

("So Wayne Enterprises is donating the world's most advanced telescope to Gotham's observatory restoration project.")
"My father also said a lot about workers unions, but I'm afraid we don't have time for anything like that now."

("Is it true this new telescope will be able to see all around the globe?")
"Did you even read your packet on the way in?!"

("...Welcome you to the gem of the evening.")
"And he'll be showing us the diamonds!"
[Referencing Commissioner Gordon, of course]

("20,000 for the tiger lily")
"Must be Woody Allen"

(Ivy observes snow globe)
"Gotham City is the world's #1 supplier of irony. You can hardly walk across a room without tripping over it!"

("Is there something wrong, sir?")
"Yeah, Alfred, just how much porn IS there on the internet? You're in here for 18 hours a day sweating away at that computer."
[I had a running joke that every time Alfred was at the computer, he was porn-hunting. I mean, doesn't he just have that glazed look of someone watching porn in the middle of the night?]

(Super Mario Bros. The Movie-reject gang runs out of bath house)
"Like all tough street gangs, they sit alone all day in an abandoned bath house and run for their mothers at the first sign of opposition"

("Let's see if I could do better")
"I guess if Uma Thurman hasn't been struck down by lightning yet, she can say pretty much anything"
[I actually thought this one was pretty good. I was surprised to hear nothing used there]

(Coolio cameo)
"Was featuring Coolio in your movie ever as 'cool' as his name suggested?"
[I like the one used in the RiffTrax better]

(Passing the truck in the motorcycle race)
"Look! Optimus Prime on his way to hide under the bridge!"
[The coincidence was just too great]

("Hey Ice-Head, you've got a visitor.")
"Why thank you, Victor Sagat."

("I heard you were blue.")
"Hey! He's very sensitive about that!"

(Ivy issues kiss of death)
"A normal reaction to being kissed by Uma Thurman."

("Impressive.")
"In a very stupid and useless kind of way."

("I hope Mr. Bane can swim.")
"You know, I was just thinking the same thing. It'd be a real shame to lose such a charming character."

("I have seen the best doctors.")
"--naked."

("Well, not all heroes wear masks.")
"Some just wear dorky, little glasses."
[What was used for this line?]

("She's still alive.")
"In a 'Star Wars franchise' kind of way."

("...That puts fire in a girl's lips.")
"Funny. Test audiences complained of a similar burning sensation in their eyes when viewing the Bat Nipples."

("That's why every Poison Ivy action figure comes complete with him!")
"Him not necessarily included."
[I was disappointed that nothing was used here. It was just begging for SOMETHING]

(Ivy: "Stop!")
"It's hammy time!"

(Robin swims through vat)
"Who keeps a booger vat? I mean, honestly..."

("You look so like your mother.")
"...Dead."

(Alfred: "And I love you too.")
"You are my pirated HD-DVD copy of One Night in Paris, right?"

("Tonight Hell freezes over.")
"King Leonidas has dinner reservations, though. He's not going to be happy about that..."

(Computer Alfred: "...To create something in your size.")
"Had to estimate a bit on the breasts size based on careful observations..."

("That's not very PC. What about Bat Person or Bat Woman?")
"Look, it's nothing personal. They just made me give up my original name, Bat Sperm Spreader."

("Will you help me, Doctor?")
"And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say that Mr. Freeze's small heart grew three sizes that day."
[I don't remember what they used instead, but, come on. THAT's funny.]

("Partners." "Partners.")
(as Bruce): "Top billing."

[bratpop]

(Coolio cameo)
"Was featuring Coolio in your movie ever as 'cool' as his name suggested?"
[I like the one used in the RiffTrax better]

"This is really a step down from Leprechaun 5."
[What, too hip? Too obscure? You see... Coolio was IN Leprechaun 5. Yes, it's extremely high brow.]

(Computer Alfred: "...To create something in your size.")
"Had to estimate a bit on the breasts size based on careful observations..."

(Alfred) "You're a double-D, right?"

[Raven]

Here's a few of my favorites.  I've Bolded my favorites.

^ Sliding down dinosaur ^ (like fred Flintstone) Yabba dabba doo.
^ Not sending me to the cooler ^ Really but I no the best damn cooler in the business, names Dalton. 

^ skates coming out of shoes ^ (like Wizard of Oz) There's no place like Rockefeller center.  There's no place like rockefeller center.

^ skating around ^ riffer 1- Someone should call for a line change.
riffer 2- I don't think this is a real hockey game.
riffer 1- What? I was talking about changing all the dialogue in the script.

^ Gun dislodges ^ everytime I throw a security guard 30 feet in the air to dislodge my gun he always gets stuck too.  Then I have to get a bigger security guard to try to get them both out.  It's really more hastle then it's worth.

^ show's freezes tank ^ Megaweapon must have been hard up for cash.

^ robin jumps on rocket ^ Looks like robin's been watching a little to much Dr. Strangelove.

^ Icy cold of Space ^  Let's hope that in space no one can hear you pun. 

^ supreme ruthlessness ^ Must have Bill Belacheck on the phone. ( This one I originally had Cheney down too, but I switched it at the last minute )

^ don't point it at my bedroom ^ No seriously, I like to watch reruns of myself on ER while wearing a nurses outfit. 

^ bat card ^ Now with Secret Identity Theft Protection. 

^ Chill, chill, chill ^ Sombody tap the governor, he's skipping.

^ hits goon with drink tray ^ Saw Carrie Ann do that in Road House.

^ Bane Jumping into water ^ Riffer 1 (as Bane )BANE NO Kill WIFE
Riffer 2 (as Arnold) I don't care.   (From the Fugitive)



There were others that I had but these were the ones that I really thought were funny.  The others I was just trying to write something.  I was a little upset there was no Bobble-head Batman references at all. 

[jetjaguar15]

I had a Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka impression at the Robin film reversal scene that didn't get used:"Strike, that Reverse it"
At the a Joel Schumacher film : "Becuase he hates all humanity"
At George Clooney's name: "Who makes Adam West look dignified"

[doggans]

(How do you NOT acknowledge that she is for some reason trying to crawl OVER the door when no one answers? It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!)

Not to defend the movie, but I assumed she was just looking for the hide-a-key. Of course, this raises the question of why she assumed there'd be a hide-a-key on the door frame of the mansion of the richest man in the world.

Anyway, some of ours that we were pretty proud of, broken into category:

Jokes That Were Probably Too Obvious

Title of the movie
"I now pronounce you Batman and Robin!"

Credit "Music composed by Elliot Goldenthal"
Riffer 1: "Ah, yes, Elliot Goldenthal, the poor man's Danny Elfman." Riffer 2: "Ah yes, Danny Elfman, the poor man's John Williams" Riffer 3: "Ah, yes, John Williams, the poor man's Richard Strauss." Riffer 1: "Ah, yes, Richard Strauss, the poor man's Richard Wagner."

Huge ice beam shoots out of Freeze's gun.
*hum the Ghostbusters theme*

Robin: "It's the Hockey Team from Hell!"
"Oh, good, Hell, Michigan finally got their own local hockey team. You used to have to drive all the way to Ann Arbour and watch the Wolverines."

Schwarzenegger: "I was hoping you'd DROP in!"
(as Schwarzenegger) "Because then I'd get to deliver the most overused pun in action movie history."

Robin's bat-laser.
"Ah, Robin possesses the power of the Schwartz!"

Clooney: "We have to blow up this rocket before it turns Gotham into a crater!"
(as Clooney): "If it explodes, it'll slaughter thousands, so we have to blow it up before it can...explode..."

Thurman: "Hello, Jason!"
(as Jerry Seinfeld) "Hello, Newman!"

Gossip Gertie: "Brucy, you and the exquisite Julie Madison have been going out forever!"
"Then why haven't we seen her in any previous films?"

Batman takes out credit card.
Riffer 1: (as MasterCard announcer) "There are some things money can't buy." Riffer 2: "Dignity?"
(Really, I just wanted to hear Mike doing the MasterCard voice.)

Clooney (after punching some thug through a tambourine): "Good night."
(as Clooney) "And good luck. Hey, I should make a movie called that!"

Silverstone sneaks the bike back into the garage.
Riffer 1: "Well, the music is telling me this is suspenseful, but I don't think I believe it." Riffer 2: "The music has lied before. It told us Poison Ivy's dance was seductive."

"You can't survive outside the cold zone!"
"Thank you, Officer Exposition!"

Purple light pours into Ivy's new hideout.
"Fortunately, we're directly beneath Prince's house."

Thurman: "It took God seven days to create paradise.
"Well, technically, it only took six. He didn't do anything on the seventh."

Silverstone talking to Coolio.
(as Silverstone) "So, what was the deal with the whole Amish Paradise thing?"

Clooney talking about Alfred dying: "But I can tell."
(as Clooney) "The completely un-subtle closeups of him in pain throughout the movie tipped me off."

Schwarzenegger: "I hope Mr. Bane can swim!"
(as Schwarzenegger) "And I hope nobody notices how obvious it is that this line was dubbed!"

Clooney: "Have you ever regretted your life working here?
(as Alfred) "Only for the past two movies, sir."

Robin: "Well, she's definitely evil."
"Ah, good, now we're getting somewhere."

Clooney: "Bad, yes. Guy, no."
(as Clooney) "I'm totally not gay. Just because my suit has nipples on it doesn't make me gay."

Robin: "A poison kiss?"
(as Robin) "Come on, that's almost as ridiculous a concept as ice skates in our boots, or a Jesse Ventura cameo."


Jokes That Were Probably Just Slightly Too Obscure

First shot of Wayne Manor, with the two equestrian statues at either side.
"Checkmate! Only chess pieces allowed in Chessboardland!"
(I know you got this one, Hanel. )

Clooney: "But I can't, can I?" Alfred: "None of us can."
Riffer 1: "Very reassuring, Al." Riffer 2: "Alfred's no Jeeves, but then again, Bruce is barely Bertie Wooster."

During the bike race: "Not bad for a chick!"
"Ah, yes, bridging the gender gap. Deborah Tannen would be proud."

The Obligatory Python References

Freeze is delivered to his cell.
(as Terry Jones as old woman) "Ooh, that must be the new gas cooker!"
(except, looking back, apparently I accidentally typed "pressure cooker". )

Robin: "Bruce, you're never gonna win this argument."
(as Michael Palin) "This isn't an argument! An argument is a connected series of statements to establish a definite proposition!"

Celebrity Lookalikes Who Apparently Didn't Look As Much Like Celebrities As We Thought They Did

We made a few Buzz Lightyear jokes when Freeze was flying (and when he opened his wrist compartment later).
We compared Thurman's first appearance to either Kitty from "Arrested Development" or a poorly-aged Gretchen from "Recess".

Also:

Alfred lies sick in bed.
"He's dying of John Hurt Disease!"

Doctor (to Batgirl and Robin): "All we can do is make him comfortable."
(as Doctor) "Barbara, you keep trying to look like Lucy Davis."

Young waiter walks by at gala.
"Seth Green delivers champagne."

Balding old bearded scientist with glasses: "It's one of those days!"
"Ha ha, oh, that James Lipton!"

Cop steps out of recently melted car:
"Officer George W. Bush."

[Junkyard]

Here's just one that I liked:

27:40 ^ Frostie? Yeah, boss? ^ There's actually like 12 Frosties, 14 Chillies, and 3 Snowflakes.

I just like the idea of Freeze being unable to think up enough names for all his henchmen.

[MontyServo]

The one joke from my script that I thought was funniest they used.

A few others I think were kinda sorta funny, but they didn't use:

(Alfred says "I'll cancel the pizzas")
"Papa John is gonna be pissed!"

(shot of Alfred whimpering after saying he would cancel the pizzas)
as Alfred whimpering "Buh (sniff) But I wanted Crazy Bread... (sniff sniff)"

(Ivy goes through door to other lab)   
"She's gonna find his machine that enters sweepstakes thousands of times."

(Alfred looks at Barbara's patch on her school uniform)
(as Barbara) "Eyes up here Al!"

(Bruce tells Dick about Alfred, "he's not sick, he's dying")
"dying to go to Itchy and Scratchy Land!"

(Gordon asks Batman "how'd they get away?" after Ivy's escape)
"Get away?  They're just right upstairs!"

[Junkyard]

And this one just because I love science, and that's it:

1:03:16 ^ riding ^ (Riffer 1:) Half their budget must go to Copper Sulphate, huh? Haha! (Riffer 2) Um, what? (Riffer 1:) Copper sulphate! It's what people use to make green flames. You see, the molecular- (Riffer 2 or 3:) (Revenge of the nerds voice,) NEERRRRRRRDDDD! (Punching noise) (Riffer 1:) (In pain,) Oof, hey, what was that for? (Riffer 2 or 3:) Sorry, I just... instinct.

[Chaos]

Actually, one of the lines that I liked mysteriously disappeared from the script after I first handed it over (I'm looking at YOU, Hanel... )...

In the museum, Freeze kept cocking the freeze gun. I had a line, "Why is he cocking a laser? Does he need to load another beam of light into the chamber?"

*shakes fist angrily*

[PlayMSTie]

Another one they used silence for instead of a joke was when Batman cuts the power to Robin's motorcycle and he starts skidding down the statue's arm. I put "Yeah, this is WAY safer."

I had the same thought at that point. I'm surprised they didn't use that line -- it would have been a perfect fit!

[Jinto]

When the museum security guards were attacking Freeze, there was a riff about 'highsticking'. My riff however was "Penalty! Nightsticking!", which I thought was more humorous and punny.

Someone else made a reference to MST3K and mad scientists when refering to the scientist who created Bane, but I had one in reference to when Freeze (one of three mad scientists in this film) and his rocket launched out of the museum:
"Riffer 1: So Batman, the gadget wielding janitor of Gotham is shot into space by a mad scientist. Riffer 2: Why does that sound so familiar?"

When Freeze jumped out of the rocket and extended his metal wings, I had a riff where the guys would sing the first lines of the Silverhawks cartoon theme song:
"Wings of silver.. Nerves of steel... Silverrrrrhawks!"

When Barbara first arrives at the mansion and starts looking for a key above the door, I thought:
"Girl Scouts are getting really aggressive about selling cookies these days."

When Bruce makes his speech at the observatory he says, "My father once told me to that to succeed you must pick a star and follow it." The line got riffed, but not with the one a friend of mine came up with:
"Dad also thought he was Peter Pan."

When Ivy and Bane break into the Turkish Bath and find the flourescent face-paint gang, a friend came up with:
"Riffer 1: Look! It's Darth Maul's family."
...to which I responded...:
"Riffer 2: Oh God! Please don't tell me they were there auditioning for a second Star Wars holiday special!"

When Ivy and Bane arrived at the location of the Bat-signal, it was already on, so I thought:
"Apparently crime is so bad in Gotham, they never turn the Bat-signal off."

When Bruce and Alfred were saying they loved each other, I thought:
"What the heck are we watching here? Broke-Bat Mansion?"
(apparently several other people tried to slip in a Broke-Back Mountain movie reference.)

When Barbara was trying to guess Alfred's password, I was thinking:
"This is the slowest dictionary attack I've ever witnessed."

[Chaos]

When Freeze jumped out of the rocket and extended his metal wings, I had a riff where the guys would sing the first lines of the Silverhawks cartoon theme song:
"Wings of silver.. Nerves of steel... Silverrrrrhawks!"

I also had a Silverhawks joke there. Chris didn't think it was funny (or maybe he didn't get the reference).