Funny Jokes of Yours They Didn't Use

[Insert Coin(s) to Continue]

Disappointed that any of your jokes didn't make the cut? Have anything truly inspired to share with the rest of us?

[GregMcduck]

Near the end, Batgirl and Robin are trying to work some broken computer, and Robin goes "We're going to have to do this upside down" and Batgirl goes "Men." I wrote  "(as Batgirl) Your PENIS is the reason this computer is broken." I wrote the joke mostly because ROTS proved there's nothing funnier in this world then Bill saying "PENIS".

You know what was in that spot instead? Silence.

[SmilinJackRoss]

Right after the bike race, when Alicia says that riding motorcycles "made the pain go away", I riffed "But the pain came back after I slid on my back for a quarter mile."  I thought it was pretty good.

Also, when Batman thaws Robin in the water and heats it up with his laser, I had written a little info-mercial about the "Pocket Laser Boiler".  It might have been a bit long-winded though.

[GregMcduck]

Another one they used silence for instead of a joke was when Batman cuts the power to Robin's motorcycle and he starts skidding down the statue's arm. I put "Yeah, this is WAY safer."

[JoshWay]

Reading back through my script, I can see why most of my jokes were passed over. But here are a few of my favorites:

(Opening suiting-up sequence) "Robert Maplethorpe's Batman"

(Referring to the giant idol in the Gotham Museum) "Look, up there, it's the Mighty Favog!"

(During one of the countless confusing action scenes) "You really get a sense of wherever the Hell they are."

(Bane is injected with the steroid/hormone juice) "The Barry Bonds workout."

(During Ivy's gorilla dance) "Grape Ape: The Motion Picture"

(During one of the stupid, pseudo-comic fight scenes) "Ernest Goes to Camp didn't have this much friggin' camp in it!"

(Appearance of Jesse Ventura) "Hey, it's that OTHER big dumb politician!"

(Freaks at the motorcycle race) "See You at the Flagpole is WEIRD this year!"

("Alfred's sick") "He has Irritable Bat Syndrome"

(Batgirl finds the Batcave) "Oh, great. A chick in the Batcave. I bet she's gonna tidy up, hide the remote controls, and fold the end of the toilet paper roll into a little triangle."

(Poison Ivy in Arkham at the end) "Uh oh - she's Helena-Bonham-Carter-ing!"

[GregMcduck]

(Opening suiting-up sequence) "Robert Maplethorpe's Batman"

I had "Darren Aronofsky's Batman."

[bratpop]

Wow, prepare for the LONGEST THREAD IN HISTORY. Or the longest-winded anyway. Or the longest-winded post anyway.

They used "the Bat-laser-pointer" instead of my "Ah, the Bat-Flash-Gordon-gun. Always useful." You be the judge. Laser pointer was fair too. I just thought Bat-Flash-Gordon-gun was more absurdly funny. I mean, it looks like a Flash Gordon/Buck Rogers gun. But it's a Bat-gadget.

(Logo morphs:)
"Ooh, morphing. Oh, I get it. This must be a period piece set in 1991."
(Apparently somebody forgot to tell us not to start riffing until after the logo morphs. P.S. I think it would be hard synching this based on that cue.)

("I'll cancel the pizzas!")
"So, multi-BILLIONAIRE Bruce Wayne has to order Papa Johns? He could open his own personal food court in the dining room!"

"Fifteen minutes after the museum is frozen, and the commissioner calls Batman & Robin, security finally shows up."

(Batman gets kicked in the head.)
"Marvel at the Caped Crusader's superior intellect and strategic planning!"
(Really bummed that didn't get used. I so pictured it in Mike's voice.)

("Stay cool, bird-boy!")
(Robin) "Actually, I'm named after Robin Hood, but that's a common mistake!"

(Fakey Robin underwater)
"No! He'll ruin that mint condition action figure!"

(Ivy's, uh, place)
"Meanwhile, in Castle Greyskull."
(Really, was this too nerdy?)

(pre-Bane on the table.)
"Call me crazy, but wouldn't this work better if they didn't start with the skinniest guy in the world?"

(Doctor) "Ha ha! You'll never survive my evil scheme of pushing you over a table!"
(I just thought this would have been funnier in, you know, a funny voice.)

("Alfred?")
(Bruceman) "Are you fondling my Bat-suit again?"
(Ugh. This was one of my favorite jokes. I thought about saying "bat-nipples" as well, but I mean... he actually IS fondling the bat suit. I thought it was funny as hell. Didn't even get replaced by anything. *sob*)

(Bruce flashes back)
"Rich, powerful bachelor, and that's his most cherished memory. The time he fell on his ass, running down the hall."

(Barbie comes to the mansion.)
"Uh, if you're looking for Liv Tyler, she just left Middle-Earth with Agent Smith."
(This was the first joke I wrote, before I even got the movie. That would have been poetic. Oh well.)

("Actually I'm looking for Alfred Pennyworth?")
(Alicia-like) "He lives on top of the door..?"
(How do you NOT acknowledge that she is for some reason trying to crawl OVER the door when no one answers? It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!)

("My nickname for sweet Margaret.")
(Alfred) "I'd explain it, but it's extremely filthy."

(Barbie runs down the hallway.)
"Oh, she's trying to fall on her ass so she can have a cherished memory."

"Just don't point it at my bedroom."
(Bruce) "Or my dungeon where I keep young orphan boys."

(Bat-credit-card.)
"GothCard? He must have stolen that from Tim Burton."
(I may have misheard the line they used, but it didn't seem like a Bat-credit-card joke.)

("Let's redecorate.")
"If Joel Schumacher had his way, the whole movie would be two hours of nothing but redecorating."

(Clockwork Orange gang.)
"You know your movie is bad when you can't even get Malcolm McDowell."

(Barbie hangs over the precarious ledge.)
"Why is everything in Gotham ten THOUSAND feet in the air?"
(Seriously, how does nobody acknowledge this in the whole film?)

("You know Alfred. He'd never say anything.")
"Alfred never says anything unless you talk to him through sock puppets."

(Freeze makes a figurine.)
"Oh, he made a limited edition Spirit of Obi-Wan mail-away figure."
(Sorry, I thought that was more in the demographic than Precious Moments figurines.)

("My only regret is that I was never able to be out there with you.")
(Alfred) "Wearing satin undies over my pink tights!"
(Sorry, I thought this was so much funnier than the Spandex joke. What, does it sound gay-bashy or something?)

("Here we go." Batman finds Freeze's secret chamber.)
"Sesame chicken flavored ice cream. A dead giveaway."
(You couldn't give me one sesame chicken joke? I wrote two. It's how I cope with the movie!)

("My lungs are freezing!")
(Cop) "Let me continue on about how my lungs are freezing even as my vocal chords stop working on account of being unable to breathe!"
(This was to be done by Bill, in sort of "Macken!" voice. It would have ruled.)

("Exit!")
(Bane/Cookie Monster) "Cookie!"

("I'm going solo!")
(Robin) "I'll just change my name to Mint Chocolate Chip Boy."

("I want a Robin signal in the sky... all that ends right now.")
(Robin, spoiled) "And I want it to be animated, and voiced by Robin Williams, and it should sing Rockin' Robin."

(Gordon greets a supermodel.)
(Bruce) "This is Commissioner Gordon. He never takes off his dress uniform. It's sad really."
(Again, sorry, but WTF. Commissioner Gordon wears his dress uniform the whole movie and looks and acts like Chief O'Hara, where in the first movie he wore a trench coat and had DIGNITY. I so needed this to be justified.)

(To Alfred... "Hey." )
(Bruce, thinking) "God. What the hell is his name? I know I should know it. Jeeves? Riff-Raff? Benson? Lurch? Mr. Belvedere?"

("Margaret.")
(Barbie) "My deceased eighty-year-old mother!"

("Suit me up, Uncle Alfred.")
"Let me get this straight... he anticipated Barbie ignoring his dying wishes, so he invented artificial intelligence and created a Batgirl suit all while he was dying?"
(Another thing I felt should have been addressed.)

("You're about to become compost.")
"The problem is she left the Robin signal turned on. Right now there's dozens of superheroes lining up outside."

(Bane shows up.)
"Since Bane does whatever anyone tells him, they could just ask him to stop."
(They never establish any reason for Bane obeying the villains.)

(Ray shoots from telescope.)
"Next time you donate something to the city, could you maybe make sure it's not capable of being turned into a death ray?"

(Batarangs save the day.)
"Incredible! What a refreshingly original way for Batman to escape FALLING! I can't get enough! There needs to be MORE falling! And MORE Batarangs!"

(Guy gets out of car.)
"The floppy icicles really sell the realism."
(Ya had to be there.)

("Will you help me... doctor...")
(Freeze) "Ehhhhhhhhhhh.... no."

("Winter... has come at last!")
(Freeze) "New Dentyne Ice Wild Winter, that is."
(I swear, I don't have an endorsement deal.)

("You know, Dick, sometimes counting on somebody else is the only way to win.")
(Bruce) "Plus, I'd rather eat my own vomit than save you."
(Now, I think this is funnier than "I hate you." What do YOU, the viewer, think?)

(Dramatic slo-mo ending.)
"And they run triumphantly away from the Bat-signal to begin their crime spree after realizing the entire Gotham police force is completely inept and there's no one in this stupidly designed city worth saving."

Most of these were funnier with the italics, but I couldn't paste that.

[misterX313]

(2nd longest-winded post)
Despite visiting Rifftrax regularly since The Fifth Element was posted, I somehow didn't hear about the fanriff until 4 days before the deadline and turned it in at 2am Sunday so I'm just happy they read my script at all-and even happier that a few of my lines got in. That said, I have a few that I just couldn't wait to hear the guys say cause I really tried to emulate their Rifftrax personalities. And even though I got to hear all three say something I wrote, I didn't get any of my interaction moments in.

But mostly, I wanted to let Joel Schumacher have it (add tasteless pun here) cause it's mostly his fault:

(Batman logo freezes)   Bill: "Ah, the effect of this film on the franchise."

(Bat-butts and suiting up)   
Mike: "Oh dear"
Kevin:  "Yikes!"
Bill: "Stop that!"
Mike: "Well, that's it then. Whether we like it or not we are now all officially gay."

(Pat Hingle credit)
Bill:"Pat Hingle? Kris Kringle? Aram Fingal?"
Kevin: "My nuts!?!" (a nod to the MSTies)

(Directed by Joel Schumacher credit)   
Bill:"I ask you, is there a scarier sequence of words than that?"
Mike: "Well, how about testicular torsion?"
Bill: "No."
Kevin: "Rosie O'Donnell full-frontal?"
Bill: "Nope."
Mike: "Written and performed by Sting?"
Bill: "Don't think so, guys. Oh wait, I know: President Arnold Schwarzenegger."
(unfortunately, the clock was ticking on my own editing time and I accidentally sent a script saying Governor instead of President so I knew why that one wouldn't make the cut)

(The Bat Skates)
Kevin: "...and less than 7 minutes in, Batman and Robin provides us with one of the stupidest moments in the history of cinema."
Mike: "Guys, I think we're gonna have to set the curve for stupid a lot higher on this one"

(Frozen dinosaur breaks) Mike: "Schnappi, no!!!"

(Rocket explodes as heroes air-surf)   
Bill: "So, rocket doors come pre-equipped with foot restraints for impromptu air-surfing"
Kevin: "You didn't know that? It's been standard issue on all aviation  vehicles since 1983."
Bill: "Really?"
Kevin: "Sure. They're even on airplane escape exits. You should try it on your next flight...and tell the Homeland security guys I said hi."

(Frozen Robin dummy thaws)   
Kevin: "A Chris O'Donnell dummy!"
Mike: "So...Chris O'Donnell."

(Bane transforms on table)   
Mike: "PLEASE stop splaying."
Kevin:" Hey, they're injecting him with fruit-filling."
Bill:  "Well, it IS a Joel Schumacher movie..."
Kevin/Mike: "Whoa, now!"

(dance routine begins)   
Mike: "The Lion King, 2nd sold out week at the Gotham Opera house." (actually used, but it continued)
Bill:  "Did you guys dose me or is this really happening onscreen?"
Kevin: "Joel Schumacher, the Elton John of cinema."

(The bat-credit card)
Bill: "Well, that's enough for me." *gunshot sound*
Mike:  "Omigod, Bill!!!"
Kevin: "Ahhhh!"
(pause)
Bill: "Sorry guys, I was aiming for the screen when the gun slipped."
Mike:  "Well, be more careful."

(shots of gang members)   
Mike: "McLovin could take these guys"
Bill: Hell, the Olsen twins could wipe up the floor with them."
Kevin: "Even Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian could beat off these---
Mike: "Let's not finish that sentence."
Kevin: "All I'm saying is, those two could throughly whack all these guys—-"
Mike: "Enough!"

Gordon: "How'd they get away?"   
Bill: (As Gordon)"Do my job, you unpaid vigilante dressed as a flying rodent!"

[Matt B]

Well, this is an odd bit of synchronicity.

Reading back through my script, I can see why most of my jokes were passed over. But here are a few of my favorites:
(Bane is injected with the steroid/hormone juice) "The Barry Bonds workout."

Yep.  "Ah, the Barry Bonds process."

(Appearance of Jesse Ventura) "Hey, it's that OTHER big dumb politician!"

Yep. "Man, there are more politicians in this than on CSPAN."
(And why was there no riffs about Ventura at all? Even a "Arkham presents PredatorCon'08!" riff.)

(Poison Ivy in Arkham at the end) "Uh oh - she's Helena-Bonham-Carter-ing!"

And this is tre odd. "Helena Bonham Carter in a surprise guest appearance."


And there's only three that I really regretted not hearing.
One at the end when the satellite appears:
"The satellite reads US Army"   "Ah. Part of the Army's elite space division." "I hear they work a lot with the Air Force's underground drilling Corps."
(a Stern riff? Really?)

As Batman is heating up the city with the (fingerquote) Laser (/fingerquote):  "So, when this ice melts, that means thousands of tons of water are suddenly going to wash over Gotham, right?" "It's a shame Massive Water Damage Man isn't here to see this." (There was another similar quote about plumbers later. But neither was used. And there's dead air for both. Sigh.)

And lastly, one where one of Josh's was used.
At the 34 minute mark, where we were panning up the giant man statue. " Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his own brow? 'No!' says the man in Gotham, 'It belongs to the Bat.'"

The statue looks almost exactly like the architecture used in Bioshock, and how often do we get the chance to put a Bioshock reference into a Rifftrax? (Yeah, it's a 5 percenter joke. But those are the riffs people remember.)

And I'm not broken up about this one, but I had a joke about the frizzies when Bane and Ivy were in the ape costumes. Didn't make it. Oh well.


(Oh, I also tried fitting in "Believe me Robin, woman is the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man" into several places, which is a paraphrasing of a line from "Oh, Brother", but it didn't make it in. To be fair, there wasn't really a good place for it to be used, either topic or space-wise. And neither of my Schnappi refs made it in either.)

[bratpop]

My Jesse Ventura joke was too obscure. Lesson learned. I also had a Frizzies joke.

[Minnesota]

(And why was there no riffs about Ventura at all? ...)

I'm positive about this Rifftrax (because it's one of my favorites!) but I agree with you here. I expected at least one Jesse V joke.

[Raven]

I haven't watched the whole thing but in regards to Ventura, I put "Help stop Governor on Governor violence."

[Raven]

It was one of my co-workers who said it but I was suprised it didn't make the cut.  Right at the beginning when Batman slides down the dinosaur the line was "Yabba Dabba Doo" like Fred Flinstone.    The stegasaurus line was funny too but I thought the reference was perfect. 

[Minnesota]

It was one of my co-workers who said it but I was suprised it didn't make the cut.  Right at the beginning when Batman slides down the dinosaur the line was "Yabba Dabba Doo" like Fred Flinstone.    The stegasaurus line was funny too but I thought the reference was perfect. 

LOL Thats pretty good. My joke for that spot was "Tony... FLY LIKE A HAWK"

[bratpop]

The Ventura jokes would have required you to know that was Jesse Ventura. I had to check the credits to be sure. I thought maybe it was that dog from Men in Black.