Matrix Riffoff Fan Submission Thread

[Argo-Puppy]

Gaaaa thank you for the picture of Cowboy Curtis Shinigami! I didn't have a clue who you guys were talking about. 

I can't wait to see who the winner is! Hopefully the excitement will outweigh the dissappointment of no Matrix Riff Trax.

[estwald]

I'm surprised we haven't seen a Tick-related "Spoooooooooon!" reference yet.

[Timflan]

Hoo boy, some of these are REALLY good. Oh, well . . . at least I was the only one to make a Salvador Dali joke. I think. (Now watch all the other Salvador Dali jokesters come out of the woodwoork . . . )

Sorry, I had one. I don't want to post my whole entry here, but here's the opening:

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [Verne Troyer is Mahatma Gandhi in The Uri Geller Story.]

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [<Nasal kid voice:> "You can play too, but you have to be Salvador Dali."]

And actually, here's my old opening, which I discarded in favor of the final version above.

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [Kid's voice: "I'm playing Salvador Dali."]
   (Spoon flops around) [Kid's voice: "Look at me, I'm a Spanish surrealist!"]

[chrsblck]

lots of people stole my jokes without permission!  jk.   great minds...  and all that .


01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) Young Mahatma Ghandi learns to play the spoons

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) "Thank you!  And for my next trick, watch me shake a pencil between two fingers and make it look all bendy!"

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?)  "Oh yeah.  I read that in the tabloids. Ran off with the dish , or sumthin."

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) "Wait.  Did you just tell me to get bent? YOU GET BENT BALDY!"

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) "Whoa, Trippy. I'm sitting on the ceiling!"

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) "Till we meet again, magical Mr. Spoon."

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen)  It's behind the beaded curtain that they sell all the bongs.

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) "I'm sorry.  Bingo, could you tell the Oracle I'm looking for her."

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) "My collectors edition Smurfs Shrinky Dinks are ready to come out of the oven!"

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) It seems that with the power of clairvoyance you could have just yelled " WATCH OUT! DONT BREAK MY VASE!"

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) (mumbles) "Clumsy vase breaker."

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) "Man, I get that a LOT."

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) "I lost a bet, and he double dared me to eat some of your boiled pigs feet."

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) "I'm mostly told I'm a piece of number two."

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) To be fair, that's only if you fall in love with dog toys.

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) "..ahhhh I also have a mole on my back that I need looked at, if you dont mind."

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) "I see in your future, you making another crappy movie co-starring Sandra Bullock."

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) "YEAH!  I'm waiting for this whole scene to make any sense!  What gives?"

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) "... used to play a cowboy on Pee Wee's Playhouse.  I promised not to tell anyone."

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) " He was young, and needed the money. "

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) " Did he say something about breaking up with me?!  But I just bought a sequin trench coat for the prom, and the limo deposit is non refundable."

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) " Well not after he gets a load of the malarkey I got from you.  Thanks for nothing Bingo!"

[Sharktopus]

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers)  (as Oracle) ?You have quite a pair of ? disappointing sequels in your future.?

Joe Don's won my vote for best individual joke with that one. Wish I'd thought of it.

Should Mike ever get around to riffing the Matrix in full, he'll include all or parts of the winning riff.

That's an interesting statement.

I for one would love to see a full length Matrix Rifftrax.

I'm guessing I'm not the only one who just assumed Mike would be doing an entire Matrix RiffTrax after the contest. He pretty much has to now, or we'll all be very disapointed.

[PlayMSTie]

Hoo boy, some of these are REALLY good. Oh, well . . . at least I was the only one to make a Salvador Dali joke. I think. (Now watch all the other Salvador Dali jokesters come out of the woodwoork . . . )

Sorry, I had one. I don't want to post my whole entry here, but here's the opening:

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [Verne Troyer is Mahatma Gandhi in The Uri Geller Story.]

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [<Nasal kid voice:> "You can play too, but you have to be Salvador Dali."]

And actually, here's my old opening, which I discarded in favor of the final version above.

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [Kid's voice: "I'm playing Salvador Dali."]
   (Spoon flops around) [Kid's voice: "Look at me, I'm a Spanish surrealist!"]

Aaauggghh! [/CharlieBrownvoice]

Oh well, at least mine was in a different spot! 

[Rowsdower42]

Whoops, I posted one of my entries in the old thread.  Here's the first I did (I did three and then combined the best of each to make a super, guaranteed-to-net-me-a-copy-of-Glitter entry).

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [Hilarious comment]
      Results of the New Extreme Cap'n Crunch!
01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [Biting witticism]
      The trivial powers of the Tibetan monks
01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) [Wry observation]
      There is only spork.
01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [Bon mot]
      Whoa whoa, I do not ?Bend!?
01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) [Dry offhand remark]
      Spoon?s trying to carry Keanu through the scene
01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) [Drop dead funny punch line]
      And I?ll thank you not to encourage the children of the corn.
01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) [Witty quip]
      Warning: Low-Hanging Beads may be hazardous to pinheads.
01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) [Excellent jest]
      Sorry, Yahtzee, I mean, Stratego.
01:12:24   (?Almost done?) [Wisecrack]
      Just one more scene, and I?m outta here
01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [Amusing send-up]
      What did you say about my noodle?
01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) [Riotous parody]
      Cigaretty Hags love wafer-thin pale guys.
01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) [Good-humored buffoonery]
      Whizzed right over his head
01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) [Merry put-on]
      Well, I haven?t been with a woman yet and he said -
01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) [Jocular raillery]
      Shouldn?t we talk pricing first?
01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) [Bawdy pun]
      Hey, lady, there are kids in the other room!
01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) [Capricious vagary]
      Don?t give him lines longer than that.
01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) [Jolly shenanigans]
      Eww, what the ? have you been bending spoons?
01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) [Clever rib]
      Just for those cookies to cool off   
01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) [Laughable taunt]
      Doesn?t know what I left in his back seat.
01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) [Jape]
      He actually thinks he looks good in those sunglasses
01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) [Entertaining monkeyshines]
      Well, he?s the only one that read the script
01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) [Humdinger of a lark]
      He also believes in hobbits!

[Conor]

I think you would have to be completely off the wall to avoid making any of the same jokes as anyone else.  We had a few that were, but I don't think you'd want to emulate them...

In fact, the winners will probably have several lines or things in common with those that didn't win.  Should make for a pleasant time on the board, with minimal resentment and bitterness.

[The_Flash]

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) ["Look busy so he doesn't talk to me, gotta look busy"]

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) ["Stay back Shane Falco!"]

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) [There is no acting either]

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [He just politely told him to "get bent"]

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) [Must be frequently used to dish ice cream]

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) [Aghh!  It's Predator!]

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) ["Gonna need a few more spoons...oh"]

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) ["B-15.  Hey!  You ARE the Oracle"]

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) [I hope to God she's talking about the cookies]

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [I like that the "Oracle" is addicted to cancer sticks]

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) [And you're creepier than I anticipated]

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) ["That's why I'm an actor mam"]

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) ["Yes, the enuresis has taken over my life]

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) [No, Jet Li has that bomb covered]

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) ["I think I'll be leaving now Oracle"]

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) [She thinks he's cheeking the red pill]

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) ["Try to slap my hands before I pull them    away"]

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) [A better script?]

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) [...goosed me on the way up here]

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) ["He was once chained to Stephen Baldwin"]

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) [He's going solo, creative differences]

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) ["But my name is Ted"]

[euphoria]

I think you would have to be completely off the wall to avoid making any of the same jokes as anyone else.  We had a few that were, but I don't think you'd want to emulate them...

In fact, the winners will probably have several lines or things in common with those that didn't win.  Should make for a pleasant time on the board, with minimal resentment and bitterness.

How do you decide on a winner, then, if many of the riffs are similar?  Does uniqueness count a little more at that point, even if the riffs aren't as good?  (Say yes!  Say yes!)

[PlayMSTie]

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [(In kid's voice, hypnotically): "I am getting sleeeeepy . . . "]

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) ["Gee, uh, thanks, Powder."]

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) ["There are only sporks."]

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [(Neo-like voice): "Oh, yeah, you know, I did have the bends real bad this one time . . . "]

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) ["Get me, I'm Salvador Dali."]

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) [Quickly: "Wha- I wasn't bending spoons! Nope, nuh-uh, no spoon-bending here!"]

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) ["You've got this really fruity kid in your foyer, ma'am."]

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) ["Wait! I didn't know we were playing -- um, B7!"]

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) ["Yessir, your new brain will be right out."]

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [(Neo-like voice): "Does not compute . . ."]

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) [(Oracle-like voice): "Now if I can just teach you not to piddle on the furniture."]

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) [(Neo-like voice): "Duhhhh . . . "]

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) ["Yes, to astound you with my rapier-like wit!"]

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) ["Well, not if it requires THINKING."]

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) [(Neo-like voice): "Dude, I didn't know ladies had those too!"]

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) [(Neo-like voice: "Um, I don't actually keep MINE there. Don't know about you females . . ." ]

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) [(Oracle-like voice): "Eww, you touched my spoons with those hands? They're filthy!"]

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) ["Yeah, a taxi to take me out of this loony bin."]

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) ["...makes these totally weird faces sometimes."]

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) ["You let him down bigtime, boy."]

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) ["He's gotta go star in 'Akeelah and the Bee.'"]

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) ["We're thinking of having his head examined."]

[FBX]

this is my favorite section from my entry:

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) That kitchen could use really some more puke orange.

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) *grunt* relaxing my bowls *aaah*.  ("Smell good dont they?")

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) ?HA! Jokes on you! You can?t bake noodles!?

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) But then again, she envisioned Sam the dog.

http://images.google.com/images?q=sam+the+dog

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) his gamma is perfect.

[Twistedmojo]

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) ?Yes, Miss Manners agrees the soup ladle is appropriate for dining with Keanu.?

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) ?Okay, Uri Gellar, let?s see you try that with one of MY spoons!?

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) ?There?s also no all-you-can-eat buffet, though we WILL be charging your credit card.?

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [after staring at spoon for a beat] ?Finally, an acting partner equal to Keanu?s talent.?

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) ?Yes, acting partner!  Wilt under the power of Keanu!?

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) ?Don?t I get an Evian first, or ? oh, okay ??

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) ?Beads?  Is this the adult section of your kitchen??

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) ?Hey, Bingo isn?t fair when you?re playing alone!?

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) ?Listen, I meant to walk into the porn section of a videostore, and frankly this isn?t what I was expecting.?

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) ?You?re freaking out my small Keanu mind!!!?

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) ?Thanks.  Those are the notes I get after all my line readings.?

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) ?No fair!  You?re supposed to be talking about my character, not me!?

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) ?Acting lessons??

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??)  ?The one is indecisive.  Do YOU think I was the one who decided you decided I was the one who decided I was the one??

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) ?Okay, now this is more like it.  I didn?t cross the porn beads for nothing.?

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?)  ?This is a strange procedure for a colonoscopy, doctor.?

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) ?My reading of your palm indicates your acting is woo?is woo ? do you possibly have someone named ?Woody? in your family?  How about someone named ?Tree??

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) ?Perhaps the Gift of Acting.?

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) ?Put ?The Lake House? at the top of his Netflix.?

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) ??Lake House? is listed as ?long wait? -- he?ll have to watch ?Constantine? first.?

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) ?He?s trying to get out of his contract to appear in this movie.?

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) ?Your mission is to upload yourself into his Netflix queue and delete all Keanu Reeves movies!?

[Rowsdower42]

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [Hilarious comment]
      Oh, Monks can?t have nice things!
01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [Biting witticism]
      Goofy Spoon By Whammo!
01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) [Wry observation]
      No point, either, really.
01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [Bon mot]
      Bends spoons and plays with your head!
01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) [Dry offhand remark]
      I can?t get this dopey looking guy out of my spoon.
01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) [Drop dead funny punch line]
      She needs some cutlery bent, quick.
01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) [Witty quip]
      Grandma, Timmy?s bending your good spoons!
01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) [Excellent jest]
      Sorry, forgot where I was for a second.
01:12:24   (?Almost done?) [Wisecrack]
      Forging fresh spoons for the kids
01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [Amusing send-up]
      Oh, and how you?re going to replace it.
01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) [Riotous parody]
      That darling glazed-over look in your eyes drives me wild!
01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) [Good-humored buffoonery]
      Disk Read Error: Abort, Retry, Fail
01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) [Merry put-on]
      He said you could paint the side of my van.
01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) [Jocular raillery]
      If you mean the guy that broke your vase, then yeah, I broke your vase.
01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) [Bawdy pun]
      Whose balls to what now?
01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) [Capricious vagary]
      Oh, now he sticks to the script.
01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) [Jolly shenanigans]
      If you?re the one, you should be able to slap my hands.
01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) [Clever rib]
      The rest of the script to arrive, maybe.
01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) [Laughable taunt]
      He's got this field-goal-post in between his teeth, have you seen it?
01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) [Jape]
      White man always bringing him down.
01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) [Entertaining monkeyshines]
      Well, he drove.
01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) [Humdinger of a lark]
      Could've sworn he was Catholic.

[AvestheFox]

[idiot post]
My spork joke will pwn all ya'll's spork jokes!

My nini said so!.. so phpbbpbbp!!

Also, I was probably the only idiot who was able to fit a Carrot Top joke in my riff submition.. WOOOOO!!!

If I win.. everybody ows me a spork.. no spoons! only sporks! if there's a fork, I'll summon the great penguin to do horribly evil penguin things to you!
[/idiot post]

Now.. where was I?...

Oh look! .. I just added 1 to my post count!
*sighs* Another succesful morning... peppermint cocoa anyone?