Things we learned from the Dick Furniss epic Backdraft

[fodder650]

I learned that a Triumph TR7 is a modern sports car in 2001. Cars provided by British Leyland.
I learned that our hero doesn't understand who Sadie Hawkins is. Look it up youngins.
I learned that there is a plot and it isn't thin but that really doesn't matter when you really don't care about it.
I learned that the title sequence and title itself are about as pointless as a certain movie about where the fishes live.
I learned so so much more but I need to get to my 2nd shift job that I'll save it for later. That or maybe I need to watch Lawrence Welk and take a nap.
Edit - okay now that I've had some time to think about it.
I learned that creepy horny Grandpa has added "wood planing" to the Rifftrax lexicon and we should expect it in future episodes.
I learned that this same scene is blech... icky... rule 43 material
I learned that the ending has a lot of spoiler material that I want to discuss.  Like what the scarecrow was hanging on. Like how the ending kind of surprised me. I didn't see it coming. Oh and wait um... (how to keep this spoilerish free) how did he not feel pain? Oh and why did he pay for something he wasn't involved in?! WHY DAMNIT WHY!? Well bad writing but I mean really?! I learned that I kind of care about these answer.
Oh and did I mention the Triumph? I love Triumphs.

[Pastor of Muppets]

I learned that if a wall of flame is slowly moving toward you, the sheer terror will make you forget about the wide open escape right behind you.
I learned that grandpas are made of dynamite.

So what was going on anyway?  Were the old men who were murdered the same men who had murdered the guy in the flashbacks?  All these guys sharing this dark secret from decades ago were all still living in the same small town?

Also, your mileage may vary, but I thought that the creepiness of the old man watching his granddaughter shower was cancelled out by the silliness of the obvious masturbation metaphor in the same scene.  Maybe now I'll refer to the self love act as "planing some wood".

[dbsommer]

I learned grandpas will just watch fire slowly come at them and devour them. It's like they are hypnotized by it or something.
I learned World's Fair spoons make great conduits to possess someone. And that focusing on spoons can't carry a film, but putting an advertisement for Spatula City can.
I learned sepia colored sexual assault picnics are a thing.
I learned the filmmakers were so lazy they just allowed final grandpa to set himself up to die. Seriously, 'Oops, tied myself to a stake and can't get down. Duh huh.'
I learned apparently this town was filled with murderous evil grandpas who only went on one murder outing for pocket change. You think a bunch of psychopaths like this would have been murder spreeing for decades. Which might have been a much cooler movie.
I learned I had no sympathy for our ghost considering what she did to her host (murdersockpuppet anyone?), and then proclaimed she 'loved' him as she did away with him. And what about your husband who got his face shotgunned off? Ghosts are both mindrapey and fickle.
I learned that while some actors can be accused of sleepwalking through a picture with a terrible performance, this one literally did and still turned in a terrible performance.
I learned death must not be that bad if our ghost felt compelled to desecrate the body of someone already dead. Also you think that might have made his ghost a bit miffed and come after her.
I learned you can make a really terrible version of 'Ghost Story' ('81), which this basically is with no acting talent or budget.
I learned most of the characters were introduced and immidiately killed. Grandpa living in a school bus? Kill him. Creepy voyeur grandpa? Kill him.
I learned only women get to come back as ghosts, since shotgunned face dad stayed dead. I guess that's not a good enough way to get killed?
I learned they didn't cut the nudity in this. I also learned while one shot would have been enough to establish pervy grandpa, the filmmakers kept coming back to it. Tommy Wiseau would be proud.

[Darth Geek]

I learned death must not be that bad if our ghost felt compelled to desecrate the body of someone already dead. Also you think that might have made his ghost a bit miffed and come after her.

A ghost being haunted sounds like a much more interesting movie.

[losingmydignity]

I learned that the ending has a lot of spoiler material that I want to discuss.  Like what the scarecrow was hanging on. Like how the ending kind of surprised me. I didn't see it coming. Oh and wait um... (how to keep this spoilerish free) how did he not feel pain? Oh and why did he pay for something he wasn't involved in?! WHY DAMNIT WHY!? Well bad writing but I mean really?! I learned that I kind of care about these answer.
Oh and did I mention the Triumph? I love Triumphs.

The bizarre thing (spoiled-kid alert, er, spoiler alert) here is that scarecrow-grandpa not only let himself be tied up but somehow supposedly scared kids in that, uh, getup. It's in the dialogue as his motivation for his costume but over other images making me think that it was added later when some other, perhaps more sensible, means of getting crowgrandpa in said position didn't work in post (pardon the pun and the alliteration). Very good riff and enjoyed the movie sick as it was.

[John Bradley]

I learned that a straightforward "I Spit On Your Grave" revenge story can be rendered unrecognizable when entire classes of people look identical. I thought the flashback scenes only had a pair of guys in masks, not four, which made wonder why the first corpse was burned, and why the film was still going after torching identical-grandpa number two.

And who was the 20ish woman in the flashbacks, a grown-up version of the little girl? Do ghosts age? If so, since when? At first I thought the 20ish sepia woman that our hero assaults at a picnic was the mother from the "dad gets his head blowed up" sequence, but then the assault gets stopped by an older version of the same woman?!?

I'm very confused. And sleepy.

[fodder650]

John,
Logic wasn't this movies friend.