Tweeters Never Prosper

[Darth Geek]

@Foywonder:
Am I a terrible person for finding it darkly humorous that the #1 movie for Martin Luther King Day weekend is a film about a sniper?

[Johnny Unusual]

@tammygolden
Any movie that uses technology as the villain (I'm looking at YOU, "Blackhat") might as well be "Electric Dreams" 2 years after it comes out

[Darth Geek]

@gauraDC :
I'm confused... My gay wedding is somehow your business, but your unvaccinated kids aren't mine? Whaa?

[RVR II]

Since I can't get it to post larger, here's the link..
http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/b49f9652bd/kanye-texts-beck-about-his-grammy-win/

[Johnny Unusual]

@pattonoswalt  Feb 8
YES!!!!! @alyankovic won the Grammy!!! C'mere, scotch!

[Darth Geek]

@TheTweetOfGod
America: where minorities, for good reason, fear their kids getting shot, and white people, for no reason, fear their kids getting shots.

[Darth Geek]

@realDonaldTrump
Record low temperatures and massive amounts of snow. Where the hell is GLOBAL WARMING?

@CalebRapoport
@realDonaldTrump talk to me in the summer when your combover glue won't harden..

[Johnny Unusual]

@FrankConniff

Outside SNL, Sarah Palin yelled "Get a job!" to hecklers, adding, "And then shirk your responsibilities and quit that job."

[The Lurker]

[Johnny Unusual]

@twittels
Cole's Law: Cabbage and mayonnaise is disgusting.

‏@twittels
No matter how bad it gets, we can always be grateful that no one says "zing" anymore.

@twittels
How did "colder than a witch's tit" catch on? I mean, that just, it don't make no sense. That dog don't hunt.

[Darth Geek]

@billcorbett
J.K. Simmons involuntarily started yelling at the Birdman soundtrack #RifftraxOscar

[Johnny Unusual]

@pattonoswalt 
The rail yard hobo McConaughey murdered and stole his beard from must be FURIOUS right now. #Oscar

[Darth Geek]

That's pretty much all bullies, after they get caught.

[Darth Geek]

@AstroKatie
You know that dress thing? How some people are super convinced of their own subjective perception of reality? That's why we have science.

[Johnny Unusual]

@pattonoswalt
The angry responses I get when I make fun of Bill O'Reilly on Twitter let me know which of my followers use catheters.