Favorite review on Cap Alert

[pstokely]

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/index.htm

Mine is for South Park.

[bettertomorrowamy]

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (R) -- WARNING! This analysis is blunt. South Park is a vulgar and vile movie. Any commentary will inherently border vulgar as well.

South Park is an incredibly dangerous movie for those who do not understand or are developing an understanding of the Gospel ....... INCREDIBLY dangerous. Some of the scenes in South Park reminded me so much of the image of demons screeching and dancing around a boiling cauldron as Satan gleefully looks on from the background as the demons pitch soul after soul after soul into the burning cauldron..

Satan is portrayed as the homosexual lover of Saddam Hussein and is portrayed as a sensitive, loving and caring being while the One who cast him into Hell clearly tells the Truth about him: that Satan's only interests are to steal, kill and destroy [John 10:10]. Hussein waves his disembodied male member around. And it was not a cardboard drawing like most other images of the movie -- it was of photographic resolution. The most foul of the foul words was clearly spoken by the children at least 131 times and many other times in a muffled or garbled way as well as in rapid uncountable succession in song [Col. 3:8]. The three/four letter word vocabulary was used at least 119 times, also mostly by children. God's name in vain was used 11 times without the four letter expletive and 6 times with it [Deut 5:11]. And many times the child characters were saying things like "What's the big deal" (about the foul language). "Suck my --", "Let's ([homo]sexual intercourse)", and repeated questions about a female private organ were but a very few of the vulgar expressions used by the kids.

Angels were portrayed as females - nude, very nude. God was called many vulgar and hateful names. Satan was glorified. Jesus was equated with sexual anatomy. A child was graphically incinerated by igniting his flatulence, then another kid tried to beat out the flames with a stick and was concerned about the stick catching fire. Body parts dripping with blood were ripped from a child by a surgeon who expressed shallow concern. The dead child was then seen with an exploded chest. The dead child, after being rejected from Heaven (by nude female angels) and cast into Hell (which is a violation of Scripture in and of itself), was then presented as a ghost trying to influence the other kids. An all-male chorus line wore pink bikini briefs. Homosexual acts were described. Decomposing burned bodies were cast as live occupants of Hell. "Big brother" electronic shock control of a child was used to prevent his use of foul language (each time he cussed he was shocked -- he used this shock later to defeat Hussein by shouting every known and several unknown foul words). A man committed suicide by jumping out of a window. And throughout the movie was script to promote licentious belittlement of wholesome life and entertainment: rationale to lessen even further the threshold of acceptance. [Rom. 16:17 - 18]

These are but a very few of the examples of ignominy in this sinematic cyanide. And the kids in the audience loved it, almost as much as the adults with them. Many of the children seemed to be laughing because their fathers expected them to laugh, looking up at their fathers, laughing nervously and loudly just so dad would know they were laughing along with him, not likely knowing at what it was they were laughing half the time. As long as dad was laughing. That was reason enough.. May God have mercy on us. [Luke 17:2]

That is all I will say about the content this extraordinarily vulgar, vile, and repugnant movie. Other examples are just too vulgar and vile to even try to describe without being as vulgar and vile. Please note that the final score of 29 is not the lowest of scores earned by the movies we have analyzed, but this movie has earned the most severe CAP Influence Density (ID) of over 800 movies: a CAP ID of 10.65! Natural Born Killers (R) earned a CAP Influence Density of 7.46! Most R-rated movies earn CAP IDs between 1.00 and 3.00. A child cannot escape being influenced by "entertainment" such as this.

And you cannot imagine the depths of the influence of this sort of entertainment! In the months that followed our posting of this analysis report we received thousands of emails from adolescents who have seen this movie and spoke just like it. With the same or more severe level of contempt for wholesome and righteous ethics. I would post examples of their email here but most of them would look like "You --- ---, ---. You are a --- and a ---. Go --- ---. And see who cares about your --- ---, you --- --- sorry --- --- --- ---. --- my ---. And Satan's, too, you --- uncle ---- donkey ---." Just like South "Puke": BLU. And some people actually believe movies do not influence kids.

[torgosPizza]

Well the movie WAS rated R...

That one is also my favorite from there. I'll have to dig in to read more of them though. They're hilarious!

[GalvaTRION]

(*facepalms*) As a Christian myself, I understand some people wanting to point out scriptural reasons for not seeing some movies.

HOWEVER: Sigh... obviously- OBVIOUSLY! If you're a strong Christian, with a family, and you don't want your kids or self exposed to certain things, you should be able to determine that GRINDHOUSE- a movie called GRINDHOUSE- is not for you. The advertisements have let you know this isn't a film where you're going to get some surprise Godly message. Hell, the POSTER in the LOBBY of the damn THEATER should be enough to let you know a kid isn't supposed to be watching that. South Park, even though it's got simplistic cut-paper animation, has plenty of things in the poster and TV ads to let you know this isn't a kids' film. There's no need for these fellows to go to these movies. This guy sat through Jason X? And Blade II? Really? Fucking why, unless this guy is using this review gig as a reason to justify to himself going to see such flicks?

If you've got something like- say- Happy Feet, where the advertisements don't hint to the scary images, violence, or weird propaganda- I can see that meriting a review at a site like this. Maybe something like Hulk or Spider-Man, if you've got a young kid who really wants to see it and the PG-13 gives you pause. Or, a great example would be Batman Returns- a film too fucked up to be a kids' movie, too retarded to be an adult movie- yet tons of kids' products marketed the thing. Or perhaps something like Schindler's List, an example of an R rated movie you might want to show someone younger than 17.

But again- no one should need this site to know The Punisher isn't a Christ-loving family film.

EDIT: Okay, just read his review of Rocky Balboa. This man is functionally retarded. Uncle Pauley is going to make kids want to drink and smoke? Are you NUTS? If anything, he's a reason NOT to do it. This flick'll make kids want to curse? Rocky Balboa is a wonderful, wonderful film, and the rare kind of movie that kids and adults can enjoy without any pandering.

EDIT 2: Fellow said the following occured in TMNT:
# inappropriate touch
# poses revealing crotch skin, twice

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?!

[bratpop]

Is this the same site that thought Michael Stipe was singing about "drinking Drano"?

[ebeth]

Hairspray

Hairspray(2007) is set in 1962 Baltimore and is styled after its 1988 same-name predecessor. It is a bright and lively song-n-dance celebration of integration and of reaching for a goal. There is not much of a plot. What plot there is to it is not executed all that well. But maybe this story does not need a plot. It is a snappy romp in teen musicals. Unfortunately it leaves a few scratches of immorality as it claws its way through its 109 minutes. But Hairspray is unassuming and does not try to be more than it is. It never hints of vying for the Oscars but it is easily a magnet for the middleschool "chick flick" crowd pocketbook.

I had no idea that there was a middle school (2 words there mr. critic) chick flick crowd.  Nor do I want to know that they have the money to influence films.

I have to also note that in the beginning of the review there was a plea for money or Cap Alert would not be doing anymore film reviews.

[BBQ Platypus]

Geez, some people are just ALWAYS on.  I suppose it's alright with me if they feel it's necessary to "warn" parents about certain films, as long as they stay FAR away from any building in which laws are made, for in that path lies madness.

[BBQ Platypus]

I've read a few of the other reviews on this site, and I've realized something - these people just don't "get" the point of the art of film.  The point of any movie is to engage the audience in any way possible, by telling a story that is interesting.  It is NOT (in most cases) to serve as a guiding moral compass, or ideal meant to be aspired to.  Sometimes it's a GOOD thing to tell a story about characters who are morally flawed.  If all movies were about saints, they would be BORING.  These guys just totally miss the freakin' point.

[ebeth]

I stand corrected, my all time favorite review is Beowulf.  Below are the highlights:

Heading: " ... quite probably the most heinous culprit for stealing childhood from children ever made."

Nudity is rampant. Full nudity. Male. Female. Frontal. Side. Rear. All angles. Though the male-specific anatomy is always kept in the shadows or behind some convenience object such as someone's head, all other tissues and anatomy associated with it are seen in amazing anatomical detail.

Beowulf the movie, based on the epic poem of the same name, is quite probably the most heinous culprit for stealing childhood from children ever made. It does seem rather reaching to say the parent poem (text) presents nudity. I have read lots of poems but never have I seen nudity in a poem. Even the nudity in some Bibles was not there when the inspired pen was put to paper; man put nudity in the Bible, not God. That some church approved nakedness in the Bible does not make it acceptable to God. Indeed God speaks darkly and shamefully of nakedness (the display of nudity) more than 40 times from the Old Testament to the New Testament. His Word even advised preists not to build an altar with steps lest the wind expose their nakedness to the people below [Ex. 20:26].

Dr. Karen Nelson, psychology department head of a top ten university and Dr. Larry Gilliam, a practicing mental health counselor with three doctorate degrees each agree with me that it would be unusual for even a 16 year old child to be able to fully separate fantasy from reality or to be able to fully anticipate the consequences of his/her actions. By no fault of their own young teens typically do not yet possess such experiential maturity. Such skills do not typically platuea until the early 20s which is why teens are not typically permitted to hold a job of high liability, risk or consequence. Yet we feed teens (and younger) with stuff like Beowulf. [Ps. 12:8]

Offense to God (O)
An unholy demon, a witch/dragon, [Eph. 4:27] praising and praying to the false god Odin [Ex. 20:3], faith in false gods [Jer. 13:25] and evil power saturate the film as well. At one point, the king's advisor, I think it was Unferth (John Malkovich), suggested they seek the assistance of the "Christian God, Jesus Christ" which the king dismissed as tripe. Unferth, the only "Christian", was attacked by a flying demon and his family incinerated as a Cross and church were destroyed, the optics suggesting that Christians are useless puppet weaklings and God no more than one among many. My how "entertainment" mocks [Gal. 6:7]. And these are not to mention Beowulf (Ray Winstone) exchanging his soul for power and riches.

It goes on and on but I appreciate the highlights.  If I was twelve I would book mark this site and see only the films they hate.

[GalvaTRION]

Am I the only person who imagines this guy sounds like reducto?

PERSONAL SPACE! PERSONAL SPACE! Ihaveashrinkray.

[esoobaC .T bocaJ]

If I was twelve I would book mark this site and see only the films they hate.

well,.......................... this is awkward

[bratpop]

My how "entertainment" mocks

Oh, and "relgion" NEVER mocks! *sarcasm!*

[frederick]

The Harry Potter reviews are pretty golden.