Matrix Riffoff Fan Submission Thread

[aneel]

Keep the Cowboy Curtis line in there; that is probably the most embarassing role that Lawrence Fishburn has ever done.

[kodiakthejuggler]

Yeah but he pumped his heart and soul into the role to be the best damn Cowboy Curtis he could be!!!

[BlackbeardonGuitar]

I realize now I should've spent more time on it, but I wouldnt want to interupt my long string of continuous failure so the streak is still alive!!!

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [Only saviors of the human population can bend spoons]

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [I bet you?ve never seen anyone else do that?except every uncle you?ve ever had]

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) [There is no good acting]

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [He?s almost as deep as Johnny Utah]

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) [Thank god without computer animation where would we be]

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) [She must be watching TBS at 2am]

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) [The Grateful Dead must be right around the corner]

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) [I?m also the Old Folks home activity Leader]

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) [as the oracle I only concentrate on the most important of activities?hotdishes]

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [it?s a bad movie either way]

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) [Unfortunately they don?t make silent pictures anymore]

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) [Is she talking about Neo or Keanu]

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) [Massive Gambling debts?]

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) [False, I mean true?All of the Above]

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) [They had to film that scene 32 times because Keanu kept laughing innapropriately]

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) [And we?ve hit the peak of Keanu?s acting ability]

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) [You?ve been snacking before dinner havn?t you?]

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) [The Ability to Act]

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) [signed on for 2 sequels]

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) [He missed being Samuel L Jackson by just a Tarantino Movie]

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) [I mean he was the key to our basketball team at the rec]

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) [Excellent (Guitar Solo Sounds)]

[chimpling]

Here's my submission! I thought is was pretty strong, I guess not.



01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [My magic spoon will grow my hair back, I Know it!]

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [Whoa! one hundred percent gorgeous!]

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) [What's a spoon?]

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [Your are a strange little man aren't you.]

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) [This is the direction of your career will go after this film.]

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) [Oh, THE ORACLE WILL SEE YOU NOW, THE ORACLE WILL SEE YOU NOW! whatever!]

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) [What smells like sh..I mean, smells yummy?]

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) [What did I win!?]

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) [You mean your meandering pseudo zen-like exposition?]

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [Yea!?! I got your noodle right here lady!!]

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) [But I'm not too bright though!]

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) [HEY! What the?How did you...]

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) [Cause I like weird old ladies who ply me with cookies?]

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) [If I'm not then I got this flippin' tattoo for nothing!]

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) [I really don't know what that's supposed to mean?]

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) [Duuuuuuuuuuuuuh!]

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) [Not too much hair.]

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) [Yea, a lucid chunk of dialog!]

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) [Thinks none of this is real! What a rube!]

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) [He still believes in the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause.]

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) [I mean,  the absence of him who is he.]

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) [Again! he believes in the Easter Bunny!]

[legmuscle]

Are we still doing this or have we moved on? I hope we're still doing it, because I only just recently figired out we were doing it.

My losing entry:

The Matrix Riff-Off Template

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [Okay, that?s almost all the silverware ruined. Now I can go smear the guest room with fluffernutter.]

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [Yeah, I?m not touching that.]

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) [So you?re telling me that I have to eat oatmeal with my hands?]

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [What did Gary Busey tell you?]

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) [What he doesn?t know is that spoon does that on its own every 30 seconds.]

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) [Just slip on that ball gag and go right in.]

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) [Rrrh! Wow, this beaded curtain is stiff.]

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) [Hold your cards, please. Hold your cards.]

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) [She?s omnipotent but not much of a multitasker.]

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [Yes! Wait, no! There is no vase?]

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) [This isn?t where ?The Matrix? hot coffee mod kicks in, is it?]

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) [Did she just insult me, or?]

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) [Here comes blank stare number three.]

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) [I am the one?who was awesome in Johnny Mnemonic.]

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) [Which, interestingly enough, was the working title of ?Sweet November.?]

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) [Now put your hands on the table there and pop your trunk.]

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) [Just as I suspected: Webbed.]

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) [Maybe for Alex Winter to return your calls.]

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) [?keeps talking about the depth of his rabbit hole.]

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) [Pretty much peaked when he played Cowboy Curtis.]

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) [The opposite of ?with him??in his absence?]

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) [Also chupacabras and crystal light.]

[Tarantulas]

We have definitely not moved on... I check this thread every day looking at the new entries...

[SecretAgentSuperDragon]

I have an idea.

We should do our own little five minute riff during The Architect scene from Matrix Reloaded.

1 2 3 not it.

[SaucyRossy]

legmuscle welcome to the forums! Tarantula's seeing as you keep up on this stuff is it just me or are there a ton of new forum members?

[Variety of Cells]

Tarantulas isn't the only one who's on these forums more than one should be   We just don't have as much to say.

I'd say there's not so much a ton of new members as a ton of new posting members.  The members grow every day, but lately a lot more have been adding their two cents.  I predict we'll hit 1000 members withing the next month or so.

[Tarantulas]

I did a post about how active the forum is vs. the number of users we have...

We have just about 120 "active" members (meaning people with 10 or more posts)

We have close to 630ish people with 10 or less posts...  So we do seem to get a lot of hit and run traffic... or people who just like to read posts.

[zorthron]

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) Hey, it?s the alien from Mac & Me.

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) Uh, yeah, you know what?  I?m good.  Thanks, though. Next time!

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) Only Zuul

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) So I can use my hands, then?

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) Yeah, okay, but can he do forks?

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) The spoon was like this when I found it! Oh.

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) Mrs. Oracle, Jimmy?s bending your spoons!

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) Mrs. Dorothy Bingo.

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) I hope you like telekinetically bent cookies.

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) That?s pretty much par for the course for me, so, yeah, probably.

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) In a vapid, blank wall kind of way.

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) Who?

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) To pick up the cookies.

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) Well, I?m a one.

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) Uh oh, I better come up with an exit strategy.

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) I sure hope this physical isn?t going to go ?balls
to bones.?

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) Oh, they?re going to play Hot Hands in bullet time!

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?)  Acting lessons?  A voice coach?  One measly
facial expression?!

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) I just can?t wait to see the look on his face when he finds out I?m a dud!

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) You?re the fourth ?the one? he?s brought in this week.

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) Alex Winter is going to off him in a jealous rage.

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) ?the sap.

[legmuscle]

legmuscle welcome to the forums! Tarantula's seeing as you keep up on this stuff is it just me or are there a ton of new forum members?

Thanks! It's good to be on the forums!

I think word's getting out on this Rifftrax thing, I know I only found out about it a month ago.

[ScottM]

Hello Folks,
I'm not real big on forums (fora?), but since I worked hard on my entry I figured I would just post it.  Even though I didn't win, at least someone might get a kick out of it (besides my wife, that is).  Enjoy.




01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [Now he's gonna stick it to his nose. (Upon seeing the kid bend the spoon, a bemused, quick "huh",  then): ...guess not... (quietly, in a tone that subtly suggests he's doing something even sillier.)]

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [(in surfer Keanu Reeves voice): Whoa, I usually just use these things to eat Ben and Jerry's.  (optionally, you might add): when I get the munchies, man.  (then, when the kid says "Do not try and bend the spoon..." add the quick comment): That would just be (kind of) dumb.*]

      *note- Though in print it might seem like just a flat insult, I think this comment, if delivered well, would actually serve to undermine the intentions of the filmmakers, who are trying so earnestly to convince us that this silly parlor trick is somehow profound and esoteric.  Feel free to omit if it seems excessive, or if it doesn't fit.

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) [(in 'Zen' British vioce, or not): Only a gullible stoner who buys this stale Uri Geller act.]

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [(wait till you see Reeves's expressionless face, then, in Keanu voice): "Whoa!"  (If in the mood, you could also add, with plenty of awe in your Keanu voice):  "Dude...that's excellent!"]*
      
      *note- I think Reeves's expression (or lack thereof) undermines the intended profundity of the whole scene, so you might want to just step back and let the movie do your work for you.  A well-placed snicker might be best.  But if you do go the 'dude' route, make sure your 'dude' is low and drawn out:  "Duuuuuuuuude"...

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) [Wow!  Now he can tour as a third-rate magician.]

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) [(after it cuts back to Reeves): (You know) I think that might actually be a more appropriate career choice for (Keanu) Reeves]

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) [(in continuity with last comment): I mean, being  the janitor who cleans up after such a magic show (would be a more appropriate fate for Keanu Reeves).  (wait, then when the Oracle says "I know you're Neo [sounds like Neil].  Be right with you...", say): ...Mr. Armstrong. (or Mr. Young, Mr.Sedaka, Mr. Diamond, Mr. Patrick Harris, you get the idea...)]

01:12:16   ("You're the Oracle?'"  "Bingo!")  [(wait until Oracle says ?Not what you're expecting, right?", then): I was expecting Dionne Warwick...(wait a second, then, as though just realizing that the Oracle looks a bit like your 'Psychic Friend', say):...so I (guess I) wasn't that far off.]

01:12:24   ("Almost done")  [(remain silent.  when Neo clumsily breaks the vase even as he scrambles not to, say, amusedly): Great!  Our would-be-savior is a (total) spaz!  (then wait until the Oracle gives that bizarre throaty, cigarettey moan as she's lighting her cigarette and add, suprised and laughing): Did she just growl?!]

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [Ah, yes, one of the famous paradoxes of Zeno of (Elea)...Indiana*.] 

      *note- Variation a la Mike Nelson, if you think you can pull it off: ...paradoxes of Zeno...Bob Zeno, insurance adjuster from Des Moines, Iowa.

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) [(nothing.  it follows too closely on the heels of the last comment.  I suppose you could just snicker at the idea of the thing, which is what I did.)]

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) [(after seeing Reeves's expression): Didn't even phase him...(add, if you think you have the time): I think he hears that a lot.]

01:13:24   ("Do you know why Morpheus brought you to see me??) [Yeah, he said I couldn't be the 'Chosen One' if I remained a virgin.]

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) [...who can clean out my sink traps?  (wait until Neo responds, "Honestly, I don't know." and the Oracle says, "You know what that means?", then make the quick observation): It means he's an idiot. (then, upon realizing that she is talking about something that hasn't even appeared on screen yet, give an understated "oh".)]

****01:13:46   ("It means,'know thyself'.")  [Now where have I heard that?.  (ponder it a bit while she says "I'm gonna let you in on a little secret," then ): I think Sammy Davis Jr. said that.]*

      *note- I know this one isn't in the timecode, and it might be tough to fit, but I couldn't let this reference to Classical philosophy pass without comment.  The sheer silliness of all these ecclectic philosophy references brought in to lend some sense of profundity to this goofy sci-fi/action film--it's just too ridiculous!  Feel free to omit.****

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) [("ah!", "lllll", or "eee" or some such expression delivered in a manner that conveys mild suprise twinged with a bit of disgust.  then, as Keanu looks down): He's checking his balls now.]

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) [(laugh at the silliness of Reeves's performance and say): Now there's a line that Keanu Reeves can handle. "Ah".]

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo's hands) Your lifeline suggests another Bill 'n' Ted sequel in your future.  (Optionally, if you can fit it): This will be your undoing.  (then, listen to the clumsy dialogue between the two, and after the Oracle finishes saying, "You already know what I'm going to tell you.", say): She's giving him acting lessons!  (start the comment with a little bit of suprise in your voice, then finish as if it makes perfect sense {...actually it does!})]
 
01:14:54   (?You've got the gift, but?like you?re waiting for something.?) [I wonder what 'gift' she's referring to. Perhaps his newly-aquired spoon-Zen?]

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) [(a little disappointed, or maybe not)...said you'd rock my world...]

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) [(flippantly): (Yep.) What a dope.  Anyway, want some Toll House morsels?...]

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) [(after seeing Oracle's expression):  Ugggh, I'm dragging a boat anchor with this guy.]

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) [(half-sarcastically*) That is scary. I could see why she didn't want him to hear it.]

      *note-  The answer to the Oracle's set-up falls a little flat, so you are making fun of that with sarcasm; but also it would really be scary if someone believed the fate of the universe was in Keanu Reeves's hands.

________________________________________


P.S.  I couldn't find a place to work it in here, but if you riff the whole movie I would strongly recommend finding an opportunity to refer to Keanu Reeves's--ahem--gonads, as his "little Bill 'n' Ted", esp. in a very matter-of-fact manner. E.g., if during the film Keanu takes a hit to the aforementioned area, say, "Ooo, right in the little Bill 'n' Ted!"  Very tasteful, you see...not sophomoric in the least...

[Tarantulas]

Welcome to the forum ScottM....

We also have a ScottH, so get ready to be confused for someone else a lot

[SecretAgentSuperDragon]

Here's another that just came to me

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) No, you're thinking of Sulu. McCoy isn't gay.