Your favorite barbarian film?

[Principal_Skin-trade]

Let's face it, all us men love our testosterone-driven films with big muscular guys even though we are for the most part heterosexual. We have our Three-hundred-ses, our Conanses, our Krullses, our Beastmasterses, but what is your favorite? Please note that when you say that, you will be open to all sorts of riffing.

[RobtheBarbarian]

Barbarians are woefully underrepresented in films, and when they are in a movie it's usually a lame muscleman in a loincloth and inexplicably clean and impeccably styled hair.


What the fuck is this? N'Sync goes caveman?

Conan the Barbarian has to be my favorite, it's relation to the actual Conan stories notwithstanding. A ballsy, serious barbarian respectfully portrayed with lots of killing and boobs thrown in for good measure. His reaction to Thulsa Doom's climactic "Who is your father if not me?" speech is a tremendous and beautiful Fuck You to all the lame characters out there who would actually be fooled by that.

I'd love to see a movie about Caesar's wars with the Gauls and Germanics or, even better, the Migration Period when all the barbarian tribes of Eurasia descended on Rome and chewed it apart. Unfortunately Hollywood has a bad habit of turning barbarians, even historical ones, into lame, watered-down Renaissance Faire "Celts" or rock-throwing cavemen.

[Indomitus]

I'm going to take a slightly different spin on this one, and go with comedic value instead of drama and whatnot.  My favorite "barbarian" movie is actually Deathstalker 2.  NOT #3, which is the one MST3K did.  #3 is funny with their comments, but abyssmal without.  #2 was actually filmed with tongue firmly planted in cheek, and is funny as hell.  (#1 and #4 are really only notable as being in the series, and not much else.)

[Ranika]

Conan the Barbarian, no question, just so much fun.

I'd love to see a well-done historical movie with the Gauls, maybe the sack of Rome under Brennus, but a realistic historical portrayal wouldn't seem so barbaric as Hollywood would desire. Their complex systems of government, extensive coinage, their organized armies (it's where Romans got standards from, afterall; those weren't for show, they were to organize into companies, with horns used to order units on the field), their value of personal hygeine, etc., would probably get reamed in favor of either a 'noble savage' kind of look, or random-generic evil wild barbarians.

Another nice one would be the invasions of the Gaels under Niall; fighting the latter end of the Roman Empire in Britain and Gaul, setting up client kingdoms, the stories of the raid that captured St. Patrick, his subjugation of the Picts, etc. His short-lived empire would be a pretty cool story; with his father he conquered the Uladd (tribes of Ulster), captured Tara, named himself high king of Ireland, subjugated the other Irish kings, invaded Pictavia and forced the Picts to pay him tribute, and did the same to portions of western Britain after the Romans withdrew, then fighting in Gaul, eventually dying at the hands of the traitor king of Leinster (for a number of reasons mythically; I suppose, for movie purposes, they might go with 'Niall slept with his wife'; though Niall is also said to have died in the Alps, fighting as an ally of the Romans against the Germans, or fighting a Pictish uprising, etc.). I'm just afraid they'd put him in a kilt or make him look like a random iron age Celt (when Gaels dressed entirely different). It'd be a great movie; plenty of large, extremely violent battles, actually a few mythic love stories cross through the history of it involving Niall and his retainers, interesting costuming, lots of pretty green vistas, drama as sons and fathers killed eachother over if to support Niall or not. ...That'd be nice.

But, yes, until that day, Conan, just cause it's damn fun to see a barely intelligible musclebound thug whomp on James Earl Jones. Also, James Earl Jones is ever a plus.

[Joey the Lemur]

I'm going to take a slightly different spin on this one, and go with comedic value instead of drama and whatnot.  My favorite "barbarian" movie is actually Deathstalker 2.  NOT #3, which is the one MST3K did.  #3 is funny with their comments, but abyssmal without.  #2 was actually filmed with tongue firmly planted in cheek, and is funny as hell.  (#1 and #4 are really only notable as being in the series, and not much else.)

I have to ask - have you found the Deathstalker 2 DVD with the commentary track?

It's a bit pricey  and rare now but well worth it as the track features the director, the actor who played Deathstalker and the actress who played the main villain - and they alternate between making fun of their own work or explaining why - because of a cheap studio in a bad location and a horrible script - they elected to improvise a comedic fantasy movie built upon the concept of Bugs Bunny, in human form, becomes a barbarian hero.

[Indomitus]

Yes, I have that one.  And I usually watch it with the commentary instead of without.

[ObscureGamer]

Conan is the only correct answer.    With only minimal and simple dialogue required of him, Arnold is definitely on top of his game here.
It takes a lot of balls, aside from sheer physical strength, to simply knock out someone's horse with a punch, while they're riding it.
And Makoto Iwamatsu is the man!  Aside from being Conan's oriental wizard friend, he also lended his voice talents to Samurai Jack
as Aku, the shapeshifting demon.  He has one of the most singularly cool voices of any guy I know.  He makes a great narrator, too. 

[Hebs]

Conan is the only correct answer.   

Haha, what is best in life?  Conaaan...

[Indomitus]

As far as serious choices, I'm inclined to agree.  Conan set the standard, and everything since then has pretty much been a copy of it (or a spoof, in the case of Deathstalker 2).

[Pak-Man]

Conan! The INVINCIBLE! Conan! Man of bravery! He's more powerful than any man, his legend spreads across the land and seeeeeeeeeeeea!

[DoctorZ]

I have to join the chorus on this one.  Conan, baby!

[tgeorgic]

anyone ever see the barbarians staring the barbarian brothers?  i havent seen it since the late 80s but i remember it being quite cheezy and fun.