Matrix Riffoff Fan Submission Thread

[Tarantulas]

Care to share your entry with the rest of the board?  Dad The Mods said it was cool, so share away!

The folks that have already posted their entrys in the other thread will post them here too soonish I'm sure...

So make with the funny you bingo loving, spoon bending, Matrix watching, riffoffers!

[kodiakthejuggler]

This is a re-post from the other thread...


01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [Do YOU wanna laugh at my bald head??? (he says this very threateningly)]

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [Here, put that in your Kashi!]

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) [He's dead to me.]

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [L. Ron Hubbard's gotten to you to, huh?]

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) [Behold, my powers of imagination!]

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) [Mr. Spoon won't bother you anymore. (read in soft, female voice)]

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) [...just push these digital tentacles out of the way...]

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) [was his name-o!]

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) [Baked spoons comin' right up!]

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [It hurts when I think! (Keanu's voice)]

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) [Much cuter than baldy out there (woman's voice)]

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) [Up yours, noodle-baker! (Keanu's voice)]

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) [To give me acting lessons]

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) [Uh oh. More thinking... (Keanu's voice)]

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) [Hey, I didn't know this was gonna be a porno!]

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) [You're not gonna start humping me, are you???]

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) [Let Madame Oracle reveal your future!!]

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) [What a crummy reading. I want my money back!]

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) [told me a joke I just now forgot.]

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) [...thinks we don't remember Cowboy Curtis. (sorrowful female tone)]

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) [I just don't understand words... (Keanu's voice)]

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) [...though I can't imagine why.]

[Agent Anderson]

Repost:

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [Hilarious comment]
Someone needs to buy this kid some legos.
01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [Biting witticism]
?Hey, new guy, we're tunneling under the wall at midnight.?
01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) [Wry observation]
??only PAIN!?
01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [Bon mot]
So you only have yourself to blame.
01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) [Dry offhand remark]
?Mirror, mirror, on the spoon, why am I such a dull buffoon??
01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) [Drop dead funny punch line]
?Please undress and put on this gown.?
01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) [Witty quip]
*grunt* ?How do I open this door?!?
01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) [Excellent jest]
?That earns you a smiley sticker!?
01:12:24   (?Almost done?) [Wisecrack]
??inventing a cure for cancer until you interrupted me!?
01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [Amusing send-up]
She underestimates the raw power of his clumsiness.
01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) [Riotous parody]
Cuter than a kitten farting rainbows.
01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) [Good-humored buffoonery]
It doesn?t really take an oracle to see that.
01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) [Merry put-on]
?So I can defeat you in combat.?
01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) [Jocular raillery]
?Well, I?ve got to take a number one.?
01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) [Bawdy pun]
Knee to groin.
01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) [Capricious vagary]
(singsong voice) ?Someone needs a tic-tac!?
01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) [Jolly shenanigans]
*hawk* *spit*
01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) [Clever rib]
??like puberty.?
01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) [Laughable taunt]
??has a crush on you.?
01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) [Jape]
(old lady voice) ?He missed his chance to make out with a hot babe like me.?
01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) [Entertaining monkeyshines]
?What do you mean, ?The cookies are poisoned.
01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) [Humdinger of a lark]
??and also that his shoes were made by elves.?

[sf]

OK, my one's way too overwritten but here it is anyway...

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [? the new incarnation of the Dalai Lama? Maybe not.]

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [Yeah, I saw Uri Geller do that once. At least, that?s what he said he was doing. I suppose? he could just have been bending the spoon with his hands. No, of course not, why would Uri deceive me like that? Other than for the wealth and fame, I mean.]

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) [What would Freud say about a kid who looks like a boiled egg and doesn?t believe in spoons?] 

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [Solipsism? Does this mean the whole universe is just a figment of Keanu?s imagination? That?s kind of a scary thought.]     .

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) [Keanu?s acting abilities can repel cutlery.]

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) [A phrase like that just brings back unpleasant memories of dental waiting rooms.]

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) [You know, this actually looks more hygienic than the last dental surgery I went to. Probably why my memories of them are so unpleasant?]

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) [Ladies of a certain age seem to have an inordinate fondness for that word.]

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) [I guess these must be? fortune cookies? I wonder if these Matrix fortunes are just strings of ones and zeroes. It wouldn?t make much less sense than anything else we?ve seen so far.]

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [Would someone who can predict the future smoke?]

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) [She was expecting Bill S. Preston, Esquire!]
 
01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) [OK, maybe not Bill S. Preston Esquire.]

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) [Yeah, to get some free snacks and see a magic show!]

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) [One what? One of a kind? The one and only? One for all and all for one? One love one life? There can only be one?
Maybe she?s talking digitally. So if Keanu is one, is everyone else a zero?]

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) [Huh? what? Oh, she means the balls of the feet, right?]

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) [I wonder if he flosses?]

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) [OK? a heart line, a head line and a life line? AAh! You?re going to die tomorrow! No? wait, false alarm, it was just a patch of ink.]

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) [I think Keanu?s waiting to be offered the contracts for a couple of subpar sequels to this movie.]

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) [...wrote this limerick on my hands.]

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) [?he can?t get an email address with his name in it any more?]
 
01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) [Well, either he?s going to leave or he?s going to die.]

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) [OK, sounds like he?s doomed.]

[Pak-Man]

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [Spooning leads to- *MIKE STARTS MAKING CHOKING NOISES*

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [Disembaudio: HAHA! NOW YOU MEET YOUR FINAL DOOM, MIKE!]

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) [Mike: *CHOKE* But WHY!?]

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [Disembaudio: You are imperfect. It is time for the rise of the robots!]

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) [Mike: NOOOOOO! *GAGDIE*]

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) [Disembaudio: MUHUHAHAHA!]

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) [Disembaudio: Now to enact my plans of revenge!]

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) [(Keanu Reeves and Samuel L. Jackson show up, as themselves) Sam: That is IT! I AM TIRED OF THESE MUTHA-FLEEPIN? ROBOTS ON-*CHOKE*]

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) [Disembaudio: Oh no! NONE will stand up the the might of Disembaudio!]

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [Keanu: DUDE! THE PAIN! AGGH!]

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) [Disembaudio: But I will need a human partner to serve my every whim! Pak-Man!]

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) [Me: Yes, Master!]

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) [DA: Do you believe you are ready to serve the robot elite?]

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) [Me: I shall try master, but I demand comensation!]

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) [Disembaudio: Fine! Here?s a million dollars! (To achieve the maximum effect, you should actually send me the million dollars!)]

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) [Me: This shall do nicely! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR FINAL DEMISE, OTHER HUMANS!]

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) [Disembaudio: YOU shall be the main rifer from now on!]

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) [Me: Yes, and together?]

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) [Disembaudio: WE SHALL RULE THE WORLD! MUHUHAHAHAHA!]

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) [(Millions of beautiful women surround Pak-Man. Somehow this is known even though it?s an MP3!)]

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) [Me: All right ladies, let?s get down to business! But first, we SURF!]

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) [Disembaudio: SURF?S UP, DUDES! WOOOOOO!]

(OK. I'll post my REAL entry tonight when I get to my computer. ;^))

[Tarantulas]

After doing a bit of digging, I found Marcel Marceau's riffoff entry... enjoy....

01:10:58 

01:11:09 

01:11:31 

01:11:42 

01:11:53 

01:11:58 

01:12:06 

01:12:16 

01:12:24 

01:13:02 

01:13:08 

01:13:18 

01:13:24 

01:13:33 

01:14:02 

01:14:15 

01:14:25 

01:14:54

01:15:10

01:15:18

01:15:28

01:15:39

[FBX]

so who else noticed the very strange manner that neo walked through the beaded door? I usually just let them flap in my face, but no, neo must walk through a beaded door only like an actor can.

[Tarantulas]

ACTING!

[Joe Don Faker]

Yeah, I was gonna write mine for Shields & Yarnell, but then I remembered it was supposed to be written for one person.

so who else noticed the very strange manner that neo walked through the beaded door?

And noticing it, and noticing it... :-)  It baked my noodle.

Yeah it he seemed to negotiate that entrance with more head-ducking activity than it required.  But Keanu is 6'1", so it was at least more realistic than a similar entrance from Tom Cruise.

[Skiptastic]

Where's your entry, Spider Man?

[Joe Don Faker]

You just know the winning entry is going to come from 22 factory workers who chipped in a riff each.  First there's all the news coverage and much rejoicing... Then comes the in-fighting over the division of the prize money, and the group lawsuit against the guy who submitted the entry on his computer and is trying to keep the winnings for himself...

it's the Treasure of the Sier-riff Madre

[Kilgore Trout]

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [(kid wondering to himself): "I wonder if I can tunnel my way out of this movie."]

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) ["that reminds me...my viagra prescription's run out..."]

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) [(amazed Bill and Ted voice): " ...whoa...dude..."]

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [(dawning realization, Bill and Ted style) "I get it...so what you're saying is...." (holds spoon up vertically) "I...AM a spoon!"]

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) [(Mike  sarcastic observation): "This trick is easy when your mind is a blank to begin with"

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) ["Hey, didn't your husband invent Skynet?"]

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) [(jolly): "Whoa! The oracle is Julia Child!"]

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) [(Bob Barkerish) "Tell him what he won, Johnny!"]

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) [(disgruntled) "I would've made soup but some bald kid took all the spoons"]

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [ (smarmily): '...and if you knew I was going to break it, why didn't you MOVE THE DAMN THING?!!"]

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) ["...for a Canadian"]

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) [[(imitating her childishly in a puffy, nasally, irritated voice): "..naw too bry dough,.."]

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) ["uh...to bring you more booze and smokes?"]

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) [(stupified): "uh...the one what?"]

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) [(pregnant pause): "......eeyeah....well....that was awkward."

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) ["If we get to the part of the examination where you make me turn my head and cough, I'm outta here!"]

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) [(sings like Jewel): "These hands are small I know, but..."]

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) [(puzzled) "No, I'm trying to think of what my next line is.....oh this is it..." (pauses a few seconds before Neo says what?...with the right timing, i think this is pretty funny)]

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) [ "..used to be called Larry 'til" (high brow and snotty] "he went all serious..."]

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) ["...if YOU'RE the best he can come up with...yeek!"

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) [(disgusted at Neo's ineptitude, in a Bronx-like accent): "what, am I talkin' Sanskrit over here?!!"]

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) [(in disbelief): "...and God knows why..."]

[Torgo]

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) Hair Club for Men my ass (says Bald kid)

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) Here, take this, it?s as close to an Oscar as you?re ever going to get (says Bald kid)

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) Dude, there?s no spoon because you keep ruining them all (says Neo)

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) Are you trying to tell me to ?get bent?? (says Neo)

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) Just like Keanu?s career ? out of shape and useless (says Mike)

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) Great! Maybe the Oracle can fix my Ipod. (says Neo)

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) This doesn?t look like an Apple Store. (says Neo)

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) The Oracle of Great Fried Chicken and buttered biscuits (says The Oracle)

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) Hey, could you hand me a spoon, I just can?t seem to keep them for some reason (says The Oracle)

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) Look, I?m into baking my noodle and all that but what?s that got to do with my ipod problem? (says Neo)

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) Cute in a kind of dumb, aimless, Brendan Frasier          kind of way. (says The Oracle)

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) Hey! You?re the second person to tell me that today, what are you getting at? (says Neo)

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) Another EXCELLENT Adventure with Bill, right? (says Neo)

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) Well I sure think he?s the one? the one that needs to learn how to act. (says Mike)

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) Well whatever? but what?s this have to do with fixing my ipod? (says Neo)

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) Yep, just as I thought, completely empty. (says The Oracle)

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) In these hands I see your future, it involves a trailer park and empty bottles of Wild Irish Rose. (says The Oracle)

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) I AM, I?m waiting to get my Ipod fixed! (says Neo)

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) Ol Morph! He told me this joke about a dumb, talentless actor, but I can?t remember the punchline. (says Neo)

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) I?ll say. Did you know he was Cowboy on the Pee Wee?s Playhouse? (says Neo)

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) It?s kinda like when someone?s not with you. Pay attention your mighty oneness. (says The Oracle)

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) And that?s more than you can say for the talent agents in Hollywood. (says The Oracle)

[estwald]

Fraid your bingo line may have killed your chances there Torgo.

[Torgo]

Yes, I was really worried about that. I hope that no one takes it that as some kind of slight -- I didn't mean it that way. My apologies to anyone that might be offended.