Pak and Tyrant's Memorial Day Bad Movie-Thon 2008

[Pak-Man]

Well every Memorial day, me and Tyrant grab some family and rent a handful of guaranteed-to-be-bad movies and cook up some barbecue. This year, we picked out some winners.

We started with In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale: Every year, we watch a Boll movie and we always save it for last and regret it because our souls are scraped so comepletely dry from the other movies. This year, we dove right in. I have to say this is the best Uwe Boll movie I've seen (Which isn't to say it's GOOD, but it's the best of the Boll.) It's actually bad in a fun-to-watch way, where his other films sucked out any hope of enjoyment. If Uwe ever gets riffed, this would be the prime candidate. Bert Reynolds makes an awesome king, and the BATTLE SCENES.. Think Lord of the RIngs, but more boring and with Ninjas. :^) (Not making that up. NINJAS!)

Then we popped the Jean-Claude Van Damme classic Cyborg into the DVD player.While I've long been aware of it, this was my first time ever watching this movie. Nothing anyone can say can really prepare you. It's really just huge gobs of late '80s-style awesome without any substance whatsoever. I'm still not clear on the plot. There's a plague, and a Cyborg has the cure and has to get to Atlanta where the scientists will something something with the something. But that's all unrelated to Jean-Claude running around with an '80s girl flashing back to a time when he kissed a woman's neck while a bunch of creepy dudes watched.

By then our souls were prepared for the visual onslaught that was Gamebox 1.0 I learned about this movie over in our own Suggest-A-Trax forums. The original poster and the accompanying trailer describe the movie far better than I ever could. http://forum.rifftrax.com/index.php/topic,9142.0.html . I'm glad I found out about this movie. I've seen a lot of movies that pretend to understand the gamer culture, and this one actually does a much better job of it than most movies do. That doesn't save the movie at all, however. The hero is largely unlikable and mostly incompetant, the acting is barely passable, and the story is just- ALMOST. It could ALMOST be good if they had just did something different. I'm not sure what it was, but it was such a close-but-no-cigar storyline.

If you enjoy watching cheesy movies with friends for giggles, I highly reccomend any of these three movies. :^)

[anais.jude]

Oh my. I'm glad you didn't waste the day!

[a pretty girl is like]

Wasn't Burt Reynolds just the shit as the king?  

My favorite thing in the movie was crazy Ray Liotta's (Ray fucking Liotta!) army setting one of their troll thingies on fire and launching the on fire troll at Burt Reynolds's army.  It did not kill anyone.  The most it did was knock a horse over and set a couple of branches on fire.  But still!  A troll on fire flying through the air!!  Whoo! Extreme!

[Tyrant]

Pak's on the mark with all three movies. I have to fess up and say that I'd been familiar with Cyborg for a number of years. I'm not sure when and why, but I'd seen the movie about 5 or 6 times previously and suggested it for our tradition. Unfortunately now Pak and his brother are wanting to see its sequel (even though I've explained it's a stand-alone) which I've also somehow seen a few times. So Cyborg 2 for next year!!! Yaaaay.......

Gamebox 1.0 was about as bad as I expected it to be, but Pak is right in that it's the only movie we've seen that seems to "understand" the gamer mentality (which is downright depressing if you really think about it). Something that's confusing me though (I'd put it under a spoiler tag, but I doubt anyone is going to give a crap):

How did the Gamebox get delivered to the main character and WHY? How come the mail truck is driving itself with the presumably dead mailman tied to the steering wheel? And how would the truck get the package into the mailbox if the driver is dead? Why is this never explained?

I'm probably over thinking the movie, but I can only gracefully ignore glaring plot holes if Uwe Boll is the director because, you know by default, you're going to have to.

In The Name of the King was bad, but it wasn't the agony we've experienced with previous Boll movies. If not for Postal, I would have said Boll was getting kind of minimally better as a director maybe sort of.

[RVR II]

I was busy working and catching up on 3 1/2 weeks of business paperwork.. And catching up on RiffTraxs

[Bob]

I must confess, between bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade, I watched.......

Feeders 2 (not to be believed unless seen)
Dark Water (again)
Saw (again)
Day Watch (had to watch something good to end the evening)

[Dim of the Yard]

I may need to bring up something like this with my feller.  We so enjoyed our time with Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter.  We may need to make a night out of bad movies.  Then again, the last time we shut off the last movie we suffered through.  That movie was also a RiffTrax-less Battlefield Earth on a decade-old VHS tape, so I think we had a good excuse.

[Tyrant]

Wait wait.....Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter? For real?

Oh please oh please oh please say it's real!!!

[Bob]

Wait wait.....Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter? For real?

Oh please oh please oh please say it's real!!!

[anais.jude]

i think you can see it on netflix instant watch

[Tyrant]

Wait wait.....Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter? For real?

Oh please oh please oh please say it's real!!!

  I don't even think we're waiting until next year to watch this one. I want to watch it NOW! It looks like it may quite possibly be the greatest thing I'll ever see. Thanks!!!! 

[mrbasehart]

I actually thought it was decent.  It's really, really, silly, of course, but that didn't stop me from enjoying it.

[Bob]

i think you can see it on netflix instant watch

You CAN!

I wonder if Netflix is ready for the sudden watching of this film!

[Compound]

Wait wait.....Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter? For real?

Oh please oh please oh please say it's real!!!

Not only is it real, but it has musical numbers. And masked Mexican wrestlers.

[Dim of the Yard]

Wait wait.....Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter? For real?

Oh please oh please oh please say it's real!!!

Not only is it real, but it has musical numbers. And masked Mexican wrestlers.

And lesbians.  Gratuitous amounts of lesbians.