The theater experience.

[GalvaTRION]

So I was reading in the "DVD you most recently bought" topic that someone there usually just buys new releases cold- plunking 20 bucks down rather than going to the theater generally due to the invention of the cell phone and the advent of excessive rudeness.

I understand that a lot of people are like this. If I weren't possibly insane, I'd probably save money by doing the same thing and have to deal with fewer idiots instead of dragging my ass to the theater (by the way: I live 40 miles away from a decent theater, and I make the trip as often as I can).

This topic isn't about enjoying the theater experience. Specifically, this topic is about dealing with jerk-offs, cell-phone jockeys, loud idiots, and irritating kids. This topic is to talk about the horrible things you've put up with in theaters.

Two that stick out for me at the moment both happened at super hero flicks:

When I went to see Punisher, about four rows down from my brother and I was a father (I assume) sitting with three kids, all under ten years old. There are about three saucy scenes in that film- one where a skank is bending over a car door so you can see her thong, one where a topless waitress walks by the camera, and one where the villain's wife drops off a robe to reveal lingerie. Each time these things happened, these little monkeys would STAND STRAIGHT UP AND BEGIN YELLING AT THE SCREEN. Hoots and verbal explosions of "OH MY GAWD, DIDJOO SEE THAT!!?!?!! AAAWWW MAN!!!! YEAH BO-EEE!!!" would last for about a minute while they fist-pumped and frankly, acted as if they were in a rap video oggling a stripper getting sprayed with booze. On a fairly regular basis I've considered strangling other people's children, however I can't think of another instance where the feeling was so strong.

When I went to see Hulk with my then-best-friend and my sister (his girlfriend at the time), it became obvious ten minutes into the movie that bitch didn't want to be there. So she begins doing everything she can to get my friend's attention from the movie, going so far as to try and carry on conversations in an outside voice, loudly asking for him to hold her, trying to sit on his lap, and SCREAMING LIKE AN AUTISTIC BABY PIG GETTING STABBED IN THE EYEBALLS WITH A SOLDERING IRON when the frog explodes, then lamenting for ten straight minutes about "poor froggy." By the end of the movie, she's guffawing at the screen and talking about how retarded the whole thing is. I swear to God, if I would have pulled a gun and pistol-whipped all of the teeth out of her stupid face, I would have been held up and worshiped as a pagan god by the theater patrons and deputized by the local PD. I swear to God, if she had a cell phone at the time she'd probably be flipping through her ring tones. Looking back on it, I wonder two things: 1. Why the hell didn't an usher come by and remove her from the theater, and 2. why the hell didn't anyone- myself included- try to get her kicked out? People were shushing her (she shushed back), I was asking her to knock it off, her boyfriend was trying to get her to stop... geeeeghhhhh... even thinking about that incident is raising my blood pressure several points. I even paid for the bitch's theater ticket. It's one thing to not care for a movie you see in theaters. By all means, leave. Take a nap. Don't punish everyone else. I wouldn't be surprised if she's the reason several people decided to never go to theaters again. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if she turned a few people in the audience off of women, even.

Come to think of it, super hero movies seem to draw out the retards... when I saw X2, there was a doofus sitting right behind me explaining every single tiny detail to his friend, naming off the characters on screen, explaining even what the freaking Phoenix Force is when Jean is trying to hold back the water at the end of the movie. I turned and said something to make him shut up... I think it was "THANKS, I COULDN'T HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT WITHOUT YOUR HELP" or something to that effect. It worked, but then the movie was over 5 minutes later anyway. Should have said something earlier.

When I went to see Spider-Man, I had captain obvious sitting behind me, reacting to the nuances of the film. Example: When Pete's blood drops from the ceiling next to Norman Osborne, the Captain of all things Knowable remarked "GASP, HE KNOWS!" Fast forward to Spider-Man 2, a midnight screening, the dummkopfs behind me are drunk, probably stoned. Giggling at everything. Then when MJ and Pete are having their emotional climax, they insisted that he "put it in her butt," and laughed uproariously when MJ said "you have to get on to get off."

Miraculously, nothing happened when I went to see Batman Begins, but the minute the movie ended, some chick got on her cellphone, and called someone to tell them "That shit was stupid. Batman ain't supposed to fly. Yeah he flies now." I had a good laugh over that one as I drove home.

[OTC316]

Wow, you read my mind on starting a thread on this subject!

Here's the closest I've ever come to violence in a theater. It was Kill Bill Vol. 2, I already had to wait almost six months between Vol.1 and Vol.2, and then it gets pushed back ANOTHER couple of months 'cause Miramax wants it to coincide with the DVD release of Vol.1. Theater was packed, and I saw a young couple sitting in the seats behind me as I was sitting down, and somehow, I just KNEW they were gonna be a problem. God help me, I was right.

The boyfriend would recite all the dialogue from the trailers, out loud, right behind me as the dialogue gets spoken in the film. In the last 20 minutes of the film, he finally shut up, and I started enjoying the movie. Then, right at the big climactic moment.....

The Bride: You and I have unfinished business.

Bill, AND THE IDIOT BEHIND ME: Baby, you ain't kiddin'.

My friend literally had to hold me down, to keep me from throttling this dolt.

[James of LinHood]

I go to the theater roughly 2 times a month on average.  Amazingly, of all of those times, I can only think of four times that have been bad in any way.

1.  Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Remake) - Keep in mind that this was at a midnight showing.  I'm sitting there waiting for the movie to start and in walks a woman holding her, at most, 2-year-old kid!  I couldn't believe it.  You're going to a MIDNIGHT SHOWING of one of the most violent movies of the year and you bring your baby with you?!  WTF?

Of course, the kid was screaming throughout the entire movie.  Some people should be outlawed from breeding....

2.  Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer- Yes, I'm man enough to admit that I saw this in theaters.  Anyway, for those of you who've seen it, you know how horribly bad the "jokes" in it are.

Anyway, during nearly every "funny" moment in the movie (and even some that were not meant to be) a guy started laughing his ass off like it was the comedy of the century.  And we're not talking sarcastic laughs here folks.  This guy was really enjoying the movie.  There was even a moment (I forget the specific scene) where he stood up while laughing and gave the movie a standing ovation.  I shit you not.  His laughs were so numerous that it got to the point where I was anticipating his laughs.  But, I think his extreme enjoyment of the movie actually helped me get through it.

3.  Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning - Yes, yet another horrid movie that I went to the theaters to see.  Anyway,  they set up two different checkpoints to check your ticket stub for the movie because of it's extreme violence.  One was at the normal spot just before all of the individual theaters.  The second was right outside the actual theater that the movie was playing in.  In other words, it was pretty much impossible for underage people to sneak in from a different movie.

Anyway, I'm the kind of guy that really, really hates distractions during a movie.  I don't care if it's a horrible movie.  If I paid the money for the ticket I want to be left alone during the movie.

So, about 20 minutes into the movie, a theater employee walks in and starts rechecking people's tickets.  The thing is, I didn't notice her until she got up to me and asked to see my ticket.  So, here I am fumbling in the dark for my ticket and missing a good 3 minutes of this movie just so she can see  my ticket stub.  The insane thing about this is that it was IMPOSSIBLE for someone to sneak into the theater in the first place.  So, why the hell was this third check even done?  Of course, when she left, she didn't find anyone who had snuck in.  Jeez.

4.  The Hulk - Again, a woman decided that bringing her 4-year-old to The Hulk is a great idea.  Of course, whenever The Hulk was on the screen the kid was screaming and bawling his eyes out.  Grrrrr......

[GalvaTRION]

Wow, you read my mind on starting a thread on this subject!

Here's the closest I've ever come to violence in a theater. It was Kill Bill Vol. 2, I already had to wait almost six months between Vol.1 and Vol.2, and then it gets pushed back ANOTHER couple of months 'cause Miramax wants it to coincide with the DVD release of Vol.1. Theater was packed, and I saw a young couple sitting in the seats behind me as I was sitting down, and somehow, I just KNEW they were gonna be a problem. God help me, I was right.

The boyfriend would recite all the dialogue from the trailers, out loud, right behind me as the dialogue gets spoken in the film. In the last 20 minutes of the film, he finally shut up, and I started enjoying the movie. Then, right at the big climactic moment.....

The Bride: You and I have unfinished business.

Bill, AND THE IDIOT BEHIND ME: Baby, you ain't kiddin'.

My friend literally had to hold me down, to keep me from throttling this dolt.

I'm laughing right now, not really at your pain, but... yeah, okay, kind of at your pain. I feel for you though, man. I'm just amazed at how damn rude people can be in a theater. It's like common courtesy just doesn't exist anymore.

9 times out of 10, I'll just watch the movie and put up with insufferable twats while watching a movie- mostly this is due to this silly notion that they know what they're doing is wrong, so they'll shut up eventually. Also, it's due to the fact that in a dark theater, it's hard to tell if someone could kick your ass or not. 

2.  Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer- Yes, I'm man enough to admit that I saw this in theaters.  Anyway, for those of you who've seen it, you know how horribly bad the "jokes" in it are.

Anyway, during nearly every "funny" moment in the movie (and even some that were not meant to be) a guy started laughing his ass off like it was the comedy of the century.  And we're not talking sarcastic laughs here folks.  This guy was really enjoying the movie.  There was even a moment (I forget the specific scene) where he stood up while laughing and gave the movie a standing ovation.  I shit you not.  His laughs were so numerous that it got to the point where I was anticipating his laughs.  But, I think his extreme enjoyment of the movie actually helped me get through it.

Sweet God, you just reminded me of when I went to see Transformers.

I had read the script already, so I wasn't looking forward to the movie. I was kind of dreading it, really, but I love giant robots, and I'm the kind of retard that'll plunk his cash down even if I'm sure something's going to be terrible, so I did it anyway (and yeah, I went to theaters to see Rise of the Silver Surfer as well). The theater was packed. I'm a big guy (like, two big guys put together big), and my friend's of normal size. He gets samwitched between me and this fat hillbilly looking fellow wearing overalls and a trucker's hat, smelling of sweat, old beef, and gasoline. I knew that guy was going to laugh at every joke in the movie- and sweet God, I was right. Not only did he laugh- he sounded like a seal, barking at the screen. When Bumblebee unleashes the golden showers on John Turturro, he bleated out "HAWR HAWR THAT ROBOT PEED ON HIM HUURR HURR HURR!!!"

Interestingly, there was a black family sitting in front of me- and when Jazz transform/break danced and said "SUP bitches?!" the father facepalmed and groaned.

This might have something to do with why I hate that damn movie so much.

[OTC316]

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

My brother and I go to see it a second time at the local 2nd run theater. Audience was kind of light, maybe 20 people total. As the movie starts, An older couple sits in the seats directly in front of us. The wife was....how can I put this delicately? I can't. She was really fat. So fat, that I could barely see around her.

It gets better! During the last half of the movie, with all these explosions and "KHAAAAAAAAN"-ing going down, the fat lady falls asleep, and starts SNORING. All the way through Khan setting off the Genesis device, Spock's death scene, and Spock's funeral. I gotta admit it was kinda funny during the funeral, when Scotty is playing the bagpipes, and all you can hear in the theater is Amazing Grace SNNORRE how sweet the sound SNNORRE.

Then, as the film ends, and the credits begin to roll, She wakes up, turns to her husband and says..."What did I miss?"

[mrbasehart]

(Assumes smug tone of voice): Well, whenever I watch a movie at the cinema, I remove all the adverts, put it on when I want to, and watch either alone or with a bunch of friends.   

[GregMcduck]

When I saw There Will Be Blood a few months ago, there was this lady who laughed at EVERYTHINg going on in the movie.

"Haha, that kid just got the back of his head caved it! Funniest shit ever!"

[Tripe]

I sat through Shaun of the Dead in an auditorium filled with mostly old people and stony silence.

Sometimes it's the quiet people that disrupt the enjoyment of the movie.

[Bob]

I had read the script already, so I wasn't looking forward to the movie. I was kind of dreading it, really, but I love giant robots, and I'm the kind of retard that'll plunk his cash down even if I'm sure something's going to be terrible, so I did it anyway (and yeah, I went to theaters to see Rise of the Silver Surfer as well). The theater was packed. I'm a big guy (like, two big guys put together big), and my friend's of normal size. He gets samwitched between me and this fat hillbilly looking fellow wearing overalls and a trucker's hat, smelling of sweat, old beef, and gasoline. I knew that guy was going to laugh at every joke in the movie- and sweet God, I was right. Not only did he laugh- he sounded like a seal, barking at the screen. When Bumblebee unleashes the golden showers on John Turturro, he bleated out "HAWR HAWR THAT ROBOT PEED ON HIM HUURR HURR HURR!!!"

Interestingly, there was a black family sitting in front of me- and when Jazz transform/break danced and said "SUP bitches?!" the father facepalmed and groaned.

[RoninFox]

Lets see, there was they guy during Matrix Reloaded who sat next to me in the completely packed theater refusing to turn off his cell phone (or even the ringer) and kept texting.  Got up during the orgy scene to get a manager, got his ass thrown out and me and my friends got free tickets out of it.  So I guess there was something good to come out of annoyance, I didn't have to pay for Matrix Reloaded.

Come to think of it there was someone loud and annoying when I saw the first Matrix.  I remember a guy a few rows in front of me.  He was fine for the most part, but when Smith goes into his rant about what humanity really is he just starts laughing and whooping hysterically, yelling out "A VIRUS" before Smith can even say it.

[Fortis]

I sat through Shaun of the Dead in an auditorium filled with mostly old people and stony silence.

Sometimes it's the quiet people that disrupt the enjoyment of the movie.

I watched Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy with my sister, there were two couples inside of the theater with us...yeah, nobody laughed except for me and my sister, and then one guy that was sitting above us...

Lady in the Water, hey I liked this movie, its a character movie, which I love. Well there was this group of girls sitting right behind me, and when they sat down I heard one say "okay this movie is amazing, you guys have to watch it." I'm kinda like her, I feel like I'm validated by the movies I show people, i can't enjoy movies when I'm showing them to people because I'm wondering the whole time if they like it or not.

So anyways, another groups of girls walk in and sit in front of the theater. I hate them to this day. The entire movie, they laughed and said "this is the dumbest shi* I've ever seen!" and a whole bunch of really inappropriate comments. Well about halfway through, I've tuned them out (comes from living in a house with 9 other people), when I hear one of the girls behind me say "come on, lets just go..." and then the girl who had already seen the movie (in a shaky voice) say, "no, lets just keep watching please, maybe they will stop."

They didn't, and because the girls behind me brought the girls in front to my attention again, I had to work to tune them out again, but I couldn't, because I felt bad for the girl who wanted her friends to see this movie so bad, so every time they made a comment, or broke out laughing, or threw popcorn at the screen, I noticed it. It sucked, I don't get angry easily, and I've always prided myself at being about to ignore people who might make me angry...but I was just seething. And about 3/4s of the way through, the girls behind me got up and left. I felt really bad.

So when the movie ended, since it was just me and those girls in the front, I confronted them and beat them until they understood that there is such a thing as decency...Just kidding. I really wanted to though. But being a gentleman I walked up to them and told them I wanted ten bucks for ruining the movie for me. "They were like, back off bi***," but I kept telling them and following them being really annoying (comes from growing up with 9 other people), until they left the complex. So even though I was still pissed, I did feel a little better.

[GalvaTRION]

 

I watched Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy with my sister, there were two couples inside of the theater with us...yeah, nobody laughed except for me and my sister, and then one guy that was sitting above us...

Lady in the Water, hey I liked this movie, its a character movie, which I love. Well there was this group of girls sitting right behind me, and when they sat down I heard one say "okay this movie is amazing, you guys have to watch it." I'm kinda like her, I feel like I'm validated by the movies I show people, i can't enjoy movies when I'm showing them to people because I'm wondering the whole time if they like it or not.

So anyways, another groups of girls walk in and sit in front of the theater. I hate them to this day. The entire movie, they laughed and said "this is the dumbest shi* I've ever seen!" and a whole bunch of really inappropriate comments. Well about halfway through, I've tuned them out (comes from living in a house with 9 other people), when I hear one of the girls behind me say "come on, lets just go..." and then the girl who had already seen the movie (in a shaky voice) say, "no, lets just keep watching please, maybe they will stop."

They didn't, and because the girls behind me brought the girls in front to my attention again, I had to work to tune them out again, but I couldn't, because I felt bad for the girl who wanted her friends to see this movie so bad, so every time they made a comment, or broke out laughing, or threw popcorn at the screen, I noticed it. It sucked, I don't get angry easily, and I've always prided myself at being about to ignore people who might make me angry...but I was just seething. And about 3/4s of the way through, the girls behind me got up and left. I felt really bad.

What in the bleeding hell ever happened to people being polite? The Robert E. Howard quote I've seen in a sig around here had it right about modern man.


But, I must confess. I've been an asshole in a theater before.

Once, when my family, a friend, and my uncle went to see Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. My friend and I just... started riffing. Don't get me wrong- I loved the movie (in fact, I own it). However, the riffing was actually pretty surprisingly funny. The people around us laughed, but after a few minutes, it was obvious I and my friend were clearly being evil sonsabitches and quit.

I sorry

[Dim of the Yard]

Once, when my family, a friend, and my uncle went to see Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. My friend and I just... started riffing. Don't get me wrong- I loved the movie (in fact, I own it). However, the riffing was actually pretty surprisingly funny. The people around us laughed, but after a few minutes, it was obvious I and my friend were clearly being evil sonsabitches and quit.

I sorry

I riff movies in the theater, too.  To my credit, I try to be creative with my riffing.  Like, for example, when I went to see Spider-Man 3 in theaters with my large group of buddies, we were all riffing on the movie.  Many comments were run of the mill, but this had to be my favorite one that I dropped (and the one that made my boyfriend prompt, "Okay, you win."):

Movie: When there's something storming inside you.... (Or something vaguely similar to this.)
Me: Try Metamucil.

Apart from that, there were the obligatory emo jokes, the obligatory "damsel in distress" jokes, and the obligatory Bruce Campbell praise.  Hey, we couldn't be all negative, could we?

But, yeah, we were dicks the entire time, very few people laughed at our jokes, and they all deserved free tickets because of us.

... As for a personal bad experience, I have to be careful about going to the movies with my sister now.  She talked a lot during The Two Towers.  A LOT.  Not mocking the movie, not really making any insightful comments about the movie, although thankfully not going "HAW HAW HAW HE SAID THE RING IS HEAVY!  RINGS AREN'T HEAVY!" or something to that effect.  At least not until the end, during the Ent fight.  All of a sudden, I hear her high-pitched giggle, and she squeals, "That tree sounds like Chewbacca!"

We were getting weird stares.  I had to cover her mouth to get her to shut up.  Now I know how to poor audience members during Spider-Man 3 felt.

[GalvaTRION]

Once, when my family, a friend, and my uncle went to see Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. My friend and I just... started riffing. Don't get me wrong- I loved the movie (in fact, I own it). However, the riffing was actually pretty surprisingly funny. The people around us laughed, but after a few minutes, it was obvious I and my friend were clearly being evil sonsabitches and quit.

I sorry

I riff movies in the theater, too.  To my credit, I try to be creative with my riffing.  Like, for example, when I went to see Spider-Man 3 in theaters with my large group of buddies, we were all riffing on the movie.  Many comments were run of the mill, but this had to be my favorite one that I dropped (and the one that made my boyfriend prompt, "Okay, you win."):

Movie: When there's something storming inside you.... (Or something vaguely similar to this.)
Me: Try Metamucil.

Apart from that, there were the obligatory emo jokes, the obligatory "damsel in distress" jokes, and the obligatory Bruce Campbell praise.  Hey, we couldn't be all negative, could we?

But, yeah, we were dicks the entire time, very few people laughed at our jokes, and they all deserved free tickets because of us.

... As for a personal bad experience, I have to be careful about going to the movies with my sister now.  She talked a lot during The Two Towers.  A LOT.  Not mocking the movie, not really making any insightful comments about the movie, although thankfully not going "HAW HAW HAW HE SAID THE RING IS HEAVY!  RINGS AREN'T HEAVY!" or something to that effect.  At least not until the end, during the Ent fight.  All of a sudden, I hear her high-pitched giggle, and she squeals, "That tree sounds like Chewbacca!"

We were getting weird stares.  I had to cover her mouth to get her to shut up.  Now I know how to poor audience members during Spider-Man 3 felt.

The pope will soon contact us with the number of flagellations needed to remove these horrible, horrible sins.

I tend to make little comments during trailers, but shut the hell up during the movie. One time, though... this guy stood up between each trailer that looked good, and did a fist pump. What the hell?

Here's a good one: A black guy in the audience during a screening of Dodgeball: "OH MAH GAW! THAT IS SO FUNNAY!" when Ben Stiller shows up in the fat suit. The rest of the film? Completely silent. Completely. Silent.

[MrTorso]

If people are talking I will generally in a very loud voice tell them to shut the fuck up.  Someday I am going to say it to the wrong guy and something might happen but so far I have usually won.

Specific incidents:

Jackass 2: Sunday afternoon. A family walks in with a little girl who could not have been more than 7 years old in her cute little sun dress and pigtails. First bit in the movie is Chris Pontius' penis dressed as a mouse being stuck in a glory hole into a tank with a snake and Knoxville pulling the string tied to said penis. They stayed for the whole movie.

Devil's Rejects:  Opening night. A couple with their five year old son sitting next to me. Every time there was a titty on the screen the "mother's" had would cover up his eyes. Every time there was a scene of depraved violence the poor boy got to see every blood soaked frame. He was a quivering mess at the end.

Whenever a new horror film or kung fu flick opened in Miami, my friend and I would go to the theaters where we would be the only white guys in the audience. I really don't want to push that old stereotype but the level of "audience participation" was tremendous.