Worst Free Preview Weekend EVER

[bratpop]

What is the worst movie you've ever watched during an HBO/CINEMAX/STARZ/MOVIE CHANNEL/ENCORE free preview weekend that you thought, "Hmm, maybe that's not so bad"? You can give a top 5/10 if you want. Sorry, pay-channel-payers, you are disqualified due to actually paying for this crap!

1. Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason. First off, I don't remember this much cursing in the original. Secondly, not to be totally gay, but screenwriters: get a clue. The audience wants to see Fatty with Hugh Grant (i.e. THE MOVIE STAR). And while it is true that, yes, you can see Colin Firth in this movie, nothing about his reprehensibly boring, stuck-up, stuffy, totally unlikeable character should make you want Bridget to marry him in the end. Seriously. WTF. It's like Leia marrying Obi-Wan. Or Porkins.

2. The Talented Mr. Ripley. Ohh, big hype. But this movie is depressing and totally over the top. I don't know about you, but I almost never get into a situation where I have to lie about who I am, then I fall in love with a guy who laughs at me, and then I beat him to death, and fall into a chain of misfortune that causes me to continue unavoidable killings. Almost never. Besides, Matt Damon couldn't look like Jude Law if he hopped in a time machine and banged Jude's mom.

3. Ladder 49. I actually thought, hmm, this might be good. Boy was I wrong. It should have ended with Backdraft. But no, this movie has to tell the serious dramatic tale of our brave firefighters in such a clichéd way it makes Eragon look original. Yes, they're all there. You have the hot shot rookie. The light-hearted hazing. The worrysome wife. The new baby. The bar hangout. The life-risking life-saving of one random dumb guy that traps the hot shot rookie hero. The flashbacks. The medal ceremony. And anything else you could think of. Oh, and SPOILER ALERT... the guy DIES in the end. Horribly burns to death in screaming agony as his flesh is charred and... well, they leave that all offscreen, but that's exactly what happens. I love a happy ending. Thanks for watching. BTW I can't even remember who plays the rookie. That's how much I wanted to forget this.

4. WTC. As if Ladder 49 wasn't bad enough, this is essentially the exact same movie, except the firefighters aren't exactly heroic, more sort of dumb and unlucky, followed by lucky, depending on your definition of lucky. A whole bunch of them are trapped under 9/11 debris, some die, and our hero Nick Cage flashes back to some almost clichéd homelife, but really more boringly realistic than Ladder 49, which starred his good buddy Travolta. Except in this one, he and another guy survive. And it's a trueish story. And it's supposed to be heartwarming? Or something. Not clear on that. And you're not allowed to hate or make fun of it, of course. But back in the real world, it's just not a whole lot of FUN to watch guys in near darkness trapped under rubble and occassionally screaming before flashing back to something boring or cutting away to their families. I actually wished Oliver Stone would have embellished some crap like hallucinations of naked Indians walking around. It would have been like watching a movie. I guess this was the feelgood movie of the year. I.E. feel good that you weren't these guys. But actually, watching it didn't feel good at all.

5. Ultraviolet. I don't know. I just don't even know. Vampires who don't seem to bite people or act like vampires. Totally inexplicable hair and clothing changing-powers. Instantly manifesting weapons. No explanation for anything. Boys in suitcases. A villain who looks like Richard Kind. I don't get it.

6. Hostage. Wow. The kid crawling around in his secret "hey I happen to have a crawling around-in space that will come in handy if burglars hold my family hostage" angle was enough to ruin this movie. Nothing else needs to be said. This movie is just ridiculous and BAD. Screw you, bald Bruce Willis!

7. Donnie Darko. If you know the 'logic' behind it, it's even worse. This movie is awful. It's all about how teh universe has special maaagical rules about time travel and how is something from another dimension enters your dimension then you get to go fix it but you have special magical dead people who can help you or something, and some lady wrote a book about all this, don't ask how, and how God fits in, I can't imagine. It's all deadly serious of course and full of absurdity. But the kids seem to like it because Jayke Gyllennhhaall says "f*ck a duck."

8. Stealth. Flight of the Navigator meets Top Gun. No other comment.

9. The Brothers Grimm. Stupid. I don't recall any Grimm fairy tales being wrapped up in this inane story.

10. The Cat in the Hat. The worst THING in the history of things. Not Thing 1, not Thing 2, but Thing 0.

[Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck]

I thought this was about an upcoming "free weekend" and we were going to bitch about the movies they were going to be showing.

My only complaint about "free weekends" are that they don't show as many movies as they normally do those 24 hours - just the high profile ones over and over.  And if you already subscribe you still have to listen to the sales pitch between movies if you want to watch the next one - and they're worse than PBS fund drives!!!

The movie that set my teeth on edge on one of those was Sweet Home Alabama.  At it's core was a nice little love story, BUT....

First, that's a subtily-racist song (it knocks Neil Young for the song, "Southern Man" saying basically that the fact that they lynch Black people in the South is none of his business) that's all through the movie.  What's her name comes to town, "Outs" one of her life-long friends in this ass-backward place during a argument in front of the whole town (which they never noticed on their own?) and supposedly everyone decides in about five minutes that they don't care if the guy is Gay.  Yeah, that sounds like the small town South I know....NOT!     Plus, through all of this she's been dating the movie's equivilant to RFK, Jr. and yet no one in the tabloids had dug up anything about her background...found out that she was still married and running around with this guy?  Give me a break!

5. Ultraviolet. I don't know. I just don't even know. Vampires who don't seem to bite people or act like vampires. Totally inexplicable hair and clothing changing-powers. Instantly manifesting weapons. No explanation for anything. Boys in suitcases. A villain who looks like Richard Kind. I don't get it.

I know I'm sounding like a broken record.

A third of the movie was cut by the studio.  Some of the footage that explains the "vampire" moniker was put back into the "Extended, Unrated" DVD (it was only a slur used by well people towards hemophages because one of the side effects of the disease for some was that the canine teeth get longer - just as it wasn't that they weren't "human" anymore but if the Powers That Be made them sound less than human the public wouldn't fight when they were put in camps and otherwise "redacted").

The science in the "instantly manifesting weapons" and the boy in the suitcase was explained in the opening when the hemophages were trying to get in and infest the blood bank.  Think Doctor Who's TARDIS.

And after that technology is displayed for you, you're surprised that something like hair and clothing color is so hard to manage?

Ultraviolet wasn't based on an existing comic book as the credits suggest (but rather inspired by the movie, Gloria which Sharon Stone did a shitty remake of but doesn't get as much crap for) but the opening shows comic books to try to get you to think that the movie is going to be in that style.

And I think the guy playing the villian was very good - great facial expressions.  And the guy playing Nerva was hot...

Personally, I think Blade is a dumber movie...and everything the director wanted in the final cut stayed (as far as we know).  And that's had two sequels (where a character in the first movie that was clearly dead comes back with no explaination) and a TV series based on it?   

[Ortega]

The thing i Hated about "Sweet Home Alabama" was the fact that it furthered the notion that every town in the south is full of Dumb, illiterate, ass- backwards yokels.  Are there towns like that in Alabama, yes.  But not everyone is like that. 

And as far as Lynyrd Skynyrd's song being racist...

I
n Birmingham, they love the governor (boo boo boo)
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth

Interpretation of the lyric varies, from support of 'the governor' (i.e. Wallace)[, to direct opposition (the 'boo, boo, boo' included after 'the governor'). In 1975, Van Zant said: "The lyrics about the governor of Alabama were misunderstood. The general public didn't notice the words 'Boo! Boo! Boo!' after that particular line, and the media picked up only on the reference to the people loving the governor"] "The line 'We all did what we could do' is sort of ambiguous," Kooper notes "'We tried to get Wallace out of there' is how I always thought of it." Journalist John Swenson argues that the song is more complex than it is sometimes given credit for, suggesting that it only looks like an endorsement of Wallace. "Wallace and I have very little in common," Van Zant himself said, "I don't like what he says about colored people."[

In a recent radio interview, surviving members stated the last line "Montgomery got the answer" was a reference to the Selma to Montgomery civil rights marches led by Martin Luther King, Jr.

Fans and music historians also argue[ that the band was clearly sympathetic to African-Americans during the Civil Rights movement, citing the songs "Things Goin' On", and "The Ballad of Curtis Loew", in addition to their obvious admiration for the Muscle Shoals Rhythm Section (which recorded numerous Soul and R&B classics) as prime examples of the group's true political leanings.

The Watergate reference has been taken as narrow Southern indifference to Northern politics and the Watergate scandal, and has often been thus regarded. An alternative interpretation of the line is as a reminder to critics that the South is not alone in having scandals and that corruption in politics is nothing exceptional.

The consensus today regarding the song (and the band's) political leanings is that the group was actually more "liberal" in their social/political beliefs than they were given credit for during their heyday. Strong support from Ronnie Van Zant for Jimmy Carter in '76, including fundraising - Skynyrd's appearance at the Gator Bowl benefit concert - and the substitution of "Mr. Carter's got the answer" for the "Montgomery..." line in at least one live concert argues robustly against any racist precept - Carter, as the desegregationist governor of Georgia, was far removed from Wallace's philosophy.

The band was simply calling out Neil Young for lumping ALL southerners in with the racist crowd. 

"We thought Neil was shooting all the ducks in order to kill one or two,"

And a great denouement to the whole thing, Neil Young played at Ronnie Van Zant's tribute concert, and sang all the lyrics, even the Neil Young parts.

[Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck]

And as far as Lynyrd Skynyrd's song being racist...

"We thought Neil was shooting all the ducks in order to kill one or two,"

And a great denouement to the whole thing, Neil Young played at Ronnie Van Zant's tribute concert, and sang all the lyrics, even the Neil Young parts.

Yeah, not everyone one went out at night lynching Blacks....or beat them to death for supposedly whistling at a white woman....or killing Jewish kids from New York who'd come down to help register Blacks to vote and were caught in a car with a Black person....

But they also didn't help police track these people down nor did they convict them (all white jury that they are) when they came to trial.  There's a lot of "enabling" that goes on in the South that everybody needs to look at themselves....

And Van Zant's reaction was pretty big for someone who considers the accusation overblown.  If the shoe don't fit....

[Ortega]

I'm not even going to get into this, but i will say things HAVE changed since the 1960s.

[gbeenie]

I'm not even going to get into this, but i will say things HAVE changed since the 1960s.

Don't waste your time, Ortega. Unfortunately, you're speaking to an "audience" whose self-image of great insight and perception is matched only by their DEAFNESS.

[bratpop]

Feel free to derail the thread and marvel at the wreckage as you crash into the car in front of you and then get sued and accidentally pee your pants in court and get thrown in jail when you try to run out in embarrassment and get killed by a drunken skinhead and then come back as a ghost and get forced to haunt Carrot Top only when he's in the bathroom.

Feel free to do that.

[Petey Wheatstraw]

Donnie Darko. If you know the 'logic' behind it, it's even worse. This movie is awful. It's all about how teh universe has special maaagical rules about time travel and how is something from another dimension enters your dimension then you get to go fix it but you have special magical dead people who can help you or something, and some lady wrote a book about all this, don't ask how, and how God fits in, I can't imagine. It's all deadly serious of course and full of absurdity. But the kids seem to like it because Jayke Gyllennhhaall says "f*ck a duck."

Oh, yes, that's the only reason people like it, because it has cursing.

Donnie Darko is a great movie. You have no idea what you're talking about.

[Minnesota]

Agree, Donnie Darko is excellent.

[esoobaC .T bocaJ]

Donnie Darko. If you know the 'logic' behind it, it's even worse. This movie is awful. It's all about how teh universe has special maaagical rules about time travel and how is something from another dimension enters your dimension then you get to go fix it but you have special magical dead people who can help you or something, and some lady wrote a book about all this, don't ask how, and how God fits in, I can't imagine. It's all deadly serious of course and full of absurdity. But the kids seem to like it because Jayke Gyllennhhaall says "f*ck a duck."

Oh, yes, that's the only reason people like it, because it has cursing.

Donnie Darko is a great movie. You have no idea what you're talking about.

I have no idea about much...as evident in my previous posts, but was Donnie Darko only about 10 minutes of actual movie? you know kind of like Next where all this stuff happens, but then it goes back and erases all of it.

[bratpop]

Donnie Darko is ridiculous. It's just disguised by several helpings of ambiguity and confusion, and lack of proper lighting. I really don't know how movies like this get pitched, financed, or ultimately made, but their future in the industry is secured by the fact that anything slightly weird will gain an undeserved cult following. If it's absurdly confusing to the point that you can talk about it for months on message boards and still not understand it, then it must be a cult classic. Of course the reality of it is that it's really just a piece of crap like Mulholland Drive, which admittedly would have made a fine TV series, but stunk as a filmic experience. Seriously though, if they had to make a comic book to explain The Matrix, I want to know how they pitched something like Donnie Darko. I'm guessing they just flat out lied and said that it was "like Grease on wheels!" Oh no no no, I got it. It went like this. "Hey! Do you like the weirdness of Being John Malkovich, but feel put off by all the 'humor'? Have we got a movie for you! Have you ever wanted to see Patrick Swayze as a pedphile? Whoa-ho-ho! Hold on to your hats!" Etc. Hey, I like weird movies too, but they have to be remotely satisfying. This is like Eraserhead meets Dawson's Creek. Written by a retarded monkey baby.

[bettertomorrowamy]

2. The Talented Mr. Ripley. Ohh, big hype. But this movie is depressing and totally over the top. I don't know about you, but I almost never get into a situation where I have to lie about who I am, then I fall in love with a guy who laughs at me, and then I beat him to death, and fall into a chain of misfortune that causes me to continue unavoidable killings. Almost never. Besides, Matt Damon couldn't look like Jude Law if he hopped in a time machine and banged Jude's mom.

I think you might need to watch this again, cuz you're missing a lot.  Personally, I thought it was great movie. 

[Tripe]

2. The Talented Mr. Ripley. Ohh, big hype. But this movie is depressing and totally over the top. I don't know about you, but I almost never get into a situation where I have to lie about who I am, then I fall in love with a guy who laughs at me, and then I beat him to death, and fall into a chain of misfortune that causes me to continue unavoidable killings. Almost never. Besides, Matt Damon couldn't look like Jude Law if he hopped in a time machine and banged Jude's mom.

I think you might need to watch this again, cuz you're missing a lot.  Personally, I thought it was great movie. 

It is a great movie, and the casting is pretty spot on. I could think of a few better Ripleys if I really had to but Damon is not a bad choice at all he really pretty good.

[pyro]

There's a lot of "enabling" that goes on in the South that everybody needs to look at themselves....

Sorry to chime in a day later after trying to kill this subject, but...

The present tense of that is the main problem I have...  I lived in Jackson, MS for near 2 years and visited my dad down there for the couple years before and have been all over that state, TN, LA, and TX and I can honestly say I've run into a lot more racists up here in PA then I have collectively down there...  Encountered more loud, aggresive homophobes down there, but also encountered a lot more gay people down there also.  Not to mention people are generally nicer down there.  And actually, the biggest problem in Jackson right now (or at least last I checked, mostly while I lived there) is a batshit crazy black Democrat mayor (Frank Melton, too much to mention in this already long post).

[Petey Wheatstraw]

lack of proper lighting.

Adjust the controls on your computer/television. The lighting looked fine to me.