Matrix Riffoff Fan Submission Thread

[WouTar]

How about a worst of? (and it's a forum. We're effectively bugging everyone who reads this. :^))

Now that's a compelling idea!

[Topsiders]

Yeah, so umm...here's my submission. I sent it on Wednesday and have a sneaking fear the attachment didn't go through. Hopefully it did. Because I owe the mafia 500 large and/or a copy of "Glitter." Here it is for your critical chainsawing [brackets indicate Mike Nelson voice directions. Cause, you know, he's the one who's going to be doing it. Umm...hopefully]:



01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon): Hey, it's the star of  ?Mac and Me?!
      It's good to see he's getting work.

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo): [Self-satisfied, bragging next door neighbor tone]    
               Yep, that's the new Sharper Image Liquid Metal Spoon.
                    Baby's got 3-speeds AND gets 500 spoonfuls per gallon of milk.
               Go 'hed...take 'er around the block!
   
01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?): "There is only Zuul."  [Ghost Busters reference]

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?):  [as obnoxious little kid] "So, I guess what
          I?m trying to say is, 'GET BENT.'"

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.): [Incredibly pathetic whimpering, grunting, and whining
          noises throughout Neo's attempt]

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?): Soooo, Keanu's either 'The One,'
          The Amazing Kreskin or a startled hamster. Got it.

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen): [Spoken in deep, Mike Nelson-as-narrator baritone]
           Doorway by Rick James.

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) [Excited, Don Pardo-ish] We also would
          have accepted ?You?re Ms. Cleo?? Judges, tell him what he?s won!

01:12:24   (?Almost done?): Yes, nothing says lovin? like psychic brownies
           from the oven.

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??): Umm, I think a "Highlights
               Magazine" could bake this guy's noodle.

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?): [As Oracle] "...you've got the personality of an                
                     undersized turnip but...CUTE!"

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?): [As Keanu, really owning it and proud] "GUILTY!"

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??): [Soberly, as Keanu]
                 "He wants his Akeelah and the Bee DVD back."

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??): [In same tone, spoken in grave seriousness]
                   "Out there havin' fun? Still the one?"

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?): [As Oracle] "...Burgers to Buns! Buckets to Beach                                   Balls!...well, you get my drift."

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?):
       [in amazed tone of wonder, disbelief, fascination] You know, 100 Keanus           
                 were surveyed and THAT was the most common response given!
       Fascinating species, the Keanu...

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers): [Spitting Loogie Noises] "PA-TOOIE!
          And there's your NEW POOL! HA! Sorry, I..I couldn't resist."

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?): [As Keanu, a little sheepish,
           apologetic] "Well, I'm kind of waiting to be The One until my wedding night.
           Umm, Ms. Oracle, Ma'am."

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?): [As Keanu] "...was GREAT as Cowboy Curtis."

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?): Forest Whitaker? Oh wait, that's the 'poor man's
           Morpheus.'

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??): [Oracle in full-on "whoops!" mode,
      trying to backtrack , stammering]
      "...D'OH! Umm, I mean... Heh heh. He won't fall under a tractor
      or anything...he's fine."

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?): [as Oracle] "...The way a Special
       Olympics coach believes "everyone's a winner." Or a gullible child believes in    
      Raffi's Greatest Hits."

[Pak-Man]

Rats. I hoped I was the only one with a "There's the pool" joke. :^)

[Topsiders]

Eh, I wasn't going to post anything but I've enjoyed seeing what everyone else has sent in. I'm glad we'll find the results out sooner rather than later. In the meantime: Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream, seasonal ice cream perfection or simply amazing? Discuss.

[Cap'n UKRiffer]

Well heres my first post and my entry...
Thought it started off kinda weak, though got better towards the end but think i may have paniced and overstuffed it with riffs lol

Anyway here you go

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [Keanu Reeves in 'The Uri Gellar Story']

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) ["Then what i got in my hand? Freaking moron"]

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) ["You are so making this up as you go along kid"]

01:11:49   (Neo concentrates on spoon.) [My God you can actually see the spoon out act him, amazing.]

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.? Neo looks up) [*whiny voice* "But i wanna play with the spoons!"]

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) [Wyld Stallions! *guitar noise* Oh sorry, my bad...]

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) ["What gave it away? Fact im the only one in the room?"]

01:12:21   (?Not what you were expecting right??) ["Kinda expected an old beared guy with a phone booth"]

01:12:29   (?Smell good don't they?") ["Compared to a corpse, yeah"]

01:12:45   (?What vase??) [So she uses her all knowing powers to predict the future for household ornaments?]

01:12:53   (?I'll get one of my kids to fix it.?) [Thats why she has them, cheap labour]

01:13:02   (Neo staring at oracle) [Keanu is either trying to look puzzled or he has gas]

01:13:09   (?Your cuter the i though??) ["I still prefer Bill though, he with you or not?]

01:13:16   (?I see why she likes you? "Who?") ["Sandra Bullock. It has to be the only reason shes willing to do movies                      with you"]

01:13:24   (?You know why morpheus sent you??) ["Cos of the bed wetting"]

01:13:30   ("So what do you think?") [I don't know, maybe a adult sized diaper or something would help]

01:13:34   (?Do you think your the one?") ["I hope not i got a gig next week, the guys will kill me if i miss it"]

01:13:51   (?I'm gonna let you in on a little secret?") ["I'm Martin Lawrence and this is Big Mommas House 3"]

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) ["Are you coming onto me?"]

01:14:05   (Neo looks down) [*sniggers* "she said balls"]

01:14:10   (?Lets take a look at you.?) [Dr Quinn Medecine Woman... OF THE FUTURE!]

01:14:15   ("Say 'Ahhh'" "Ahhh") [Man, even that sounds wooden]

01:14:45   ("I'm not the one") [And the movie ends... Damn]

01:14:50   ("You got the gift...") ["But no talent"]

01:14:56   (Neo looks at hands) ["Eurgh, what has she been touching?!"]

01:15:03   ("Who knows?") ["Who cares? I got mouths to feed here"]

01:15:07   ("Whats so funny?" "Morpheus") ["Black people have the cutest gang names sometimes"]

01:15:20   ("Poor old Morpheus") [Back to a life of a Samuel L. Jackson loolalike]

01:15:34   ("Are you sure you wanna hear this?") ["Cos i'm gonna belch the alphabet and it's not pretty"]

Had alot of fun doing this, thanks Rifftrax

[estwald]

I have to admit, my favorite riff out of all I've seen so far is Agent Andersons:
(Neo enters kitchen) "How do I open this door?"
I soooo wish I had thought of that.

[danielle-ish]

You know, I thought my spork reference was totally awesome...
until I saw how many other people also thought it totally awesome.

I certainly hope my ladle reference makes it through unscathed.

Sigh... kitchenware...

[Atarian]

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [(dawning realization, Bill and Ted style) "I get it...so what you're saying is...." (holds spoon up vertically) "I...AM a spoon!"]

This line kills me. Great stuff!

[Diet Kolos]

It's so neat to see how everybody interprets differently. Here is my humble effort.



01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) I wish I had a real toy.

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) Go ahead...lick it.

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) It?s really a spork!

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) You don?t understand! I am the spoon! (said in "Point Break" character voice, Jonny Whatever.

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) My reflection, its upside down. Oh God, I?ve bent myself! Oh the pain!

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) Please have your insurance card ready.

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) Dude, that kid out there totally ruined your spoon.

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) No thank you, I prefer Parcheesi.

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) Well it?s about freaking time!

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) Duh?..said anything about what?

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) For a pasty white boy that is.

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) What did you expect, cute and bright?

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) He mentioned something about becoming a man.

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) No, Jet li is ?The One?.

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) Ah ha! Oracle my ass. I have no balls.

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) Well I can probably get a few bucks for the crowns but the rest is worthless.

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) Hair on the palms? you know what that means.

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) I?m waiting for this stupid scene to end.

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) Morpheus is out in the hall way right now laughing his ass off at this.

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) His hair will never grow back.

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) Without Morpheus means without Morpheus, jeez you really are not too bright.

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) God knows why.

[Hank]

01:12:21   (?Not what you were expecting right??) ["Kinda expected an old beared guy with a phone booth"]

01:12:29   (?Smell good don't they?") ["Compared to a corpse, yeah"]

01:12:45   (?What vase??) [So she uses her all knowing powers to predict the future for household ornaments?]

01:12:53   (?I'll get one of my kids to fix it.?) [Thats why she has them, cheap labour]

01:13:02   (Neo staring at oracle) [Keanu is either trying to look puzzled or he has gas]

01:13:09   (?Your cuter the i though??) ["I still prefer Bill though, he with you or not?]

01:13:16   (?I see why she likes you? "Who?") ["Sandra Bullock. It has to be the only reason shes willing to do movies                      with you"]

01:13:24   (?You know why morpheus sent you??) ["Cos of the bed wetting"]

01:13:30   ("So what do you think?") [I don't know, maybe a adult sized diaper or something would help]

01:13:34   (?Do you think your the one?") ["I hope not i got a gig next week, the guys will kill me if i miss it"]

01:13:51   (?I'm gonna let you in on a little secret?") ["I'm Martin Lawrence and this is Big Mommas House 3"]

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) ["Are you coming onto me?"]

01:14:05   (Neo looks down) [*sniggers* "she said balls"]

01:14:10   (?Lets take a look at you.?) [Dr Quinn Medecine Woman... OF THE FUTURE!]

01:14:15   ("Say 'Ahhh'" "Ahhh") [Man, even that sounds wooden]

01:14:45   ("I'm not the one") [And the movie ends... Damn]

01:14:50   ("You got the gift...") ["But no talent"]

01:14:56   (Neo looks at hands) ["Eurgh, what has she been touching?!"]

01:15:03   ("Who knows?") ["Who cares? I got mouths to feed here"]

01:15:07   ("Whats so funny?" "Morpheus") ["Black people have the cutest gang names sometimes"]

01:15:20   ("Poor old Morpheus") [Back to a life of a Samuel L. Jackson loolalike]

01:15:34   ("Are you sure you wanna hear this?") ["Cos i'm gonna belch the alphabet and it's not pretty"]

Had alot of fun doing this, thanks Rifftrax

You may get disqualified. Most of those aren't the proper lines to riff.

[Sharktopus]

Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream, seasonal ice cream perfection or simply amazing? Discuss.

Thank you for reminding me - I'd completely forgotten about pumpkin ice cream! I've been too focused on pumpkin ales and pumpkin spice lattes. Note to self, no matter the weather go to Mary Jane's tomorrow.

[Steve-O]

You may get disqualified. Most of those aren't the proper lines to riff.

I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be cause for disqualification.  The question was asked a while ago, and the impression I got was that using the template lines was not a requirement.  It was, however, very strongly recommended, since those were the points at which Mike himself had determined he might place a riff, were he writing for the scene.  Messing about with it would therefore be somewhat dangerous, since you could very easily cram in (or eliminate) too many riffs, rendering your script either unusable or dull.

I did, in fact, mess with the template.  But I'm an idiot, and as such, should not be considered as a model for anyone else's behavior.

[Tarantulas]

They said that you could deviate a bit, but not really insert or drop lines.

[Pak-Man]

Here's my real submission. Enjoy! :^)

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon) [(As the kid) Hi! I mangle spoons!]

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) [(As Neo) Yeah. What was in that red pill again?]

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?) [*Growling Voice* There is only ZUEL!]

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?) [(As Neo) Hey, YOU get bent!]

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) [So now he has the power to bend things that aren?t there?]

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) [(As Neo) Hang on! I?m spooning with this boy! Wait! That didn?t come out right?]

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) [Wow. With unfaltering wisdom comes kitschy furniture.]

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?) [That?s a stupid name for an Oracle!]

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) [(As the Oracle) My Double-Stuff Oracle Cookies!]

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) [(As Neo: Ashamedly) Probably. I?m klutzy that way...]

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?) [It?s like having your syrup bottle flirt with you.]

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) [(As Neo) Hey! That really bakes my noodle!]

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??) [He doesn?t like your vase?]

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) [Nixon!?]

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?) [Like a syrup bottle with a really dirty mind!]

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?) [(Singing) -VEY MARIIIIIIIIIA!]

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers) [(As the Oracle) And here?s your house *PTOO* And there?s the pool!]

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?) [Yeah! Cookies!]

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?) [He told me all about this Family Circus strip?]

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?) [Always plagued with file-sharing lawsuits?]

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??) [Like, you know how he?s there? If he wasn?t!]

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?) [Just? Not in spoons.]

[Joe Don Faker]

My entry:

01:10:58   (Bald kid picks up spoon)  (in Keanu?s ?totally stoked? voice)  ?Little Buddha! Dude -- I was you, in a past movie!?

01:11:09   (Holds spoon out to Neo) ?See, the kid senses Keanu needs to have everything spoon-fed to him.?

01:11:31   (?There is no spoon.?)  (solemnly) ?There is only spork.?

01:11:42   (??It is only yourself.?)  ?Kid has a real polite way of telling him to get bent.?

01:11:53   (Neo bends spoon.) ?What invariably happens after you couldn?t find the ice cream scoop.?

01:11:58   (?The Oracle will see you now.?) ?The Oracle offers a much shorter waiting time than my family doctor, gotta say that.?

01:12:06   (Neo enters kitchen) ?Sure, now he?s bending his head, just to enter the room??

01:12:16   (?You?re the Oracle?? ?Bingo!?)  (mock awe) ?Wow, she can totally predict she?s going to win at Bingo??

01:12:24   (?Almost done?) ??AND she can foretell the path of her own movie career!?

01:13:02   (??.I hadn?t said anything??) ?Ah, I?m pretty sure his ?noodle? is already baked and fried.?

01:13:08   (?You?re cuter than I thought.?)   (as Oracle)  ??In a vacant, androgynous kinda way...?

01:13:18   (?Not too bright though.?) ?Seeing as there are about THREE WOMEN in this entire movie!?

01:13:24   (??brought you to see me??)   (as Neo) ?He said I could make a quick buck selling cutlery.?

01:13:33   (?Do you think you?re the one??) ?Why?d she bring that question to the fore??

01:14:02   (?Balls to bones.?)  (agreeing) ?Testes to tibias, yup. Scrotum to skull, uh huh!?

01:14:15   (?Open your mouth, say ?ahhhh.?? ?Ahhh.?)  ?And thin rays of light stream through each ear.?

01:14:25   (Oracle holds Neo?s hands in hers)  (as Oracle) ?You have quite a pair of ? disappointing sequels in your future.?

01:14:54   (??like you?re waiting for something.?)  ?Yeah, he?s waiting for the check to clear before he signs onto another one of these things.?

01:15:10   (?Morpheus. He, ah?.?)  (as Neo, laughing dumbly) ??stuffed me full of pills.?

01:15:18   (?Poor Morpheus.?)  (as Oracle) ??he once spent two hours chained to a Baldwin brother.?

01:15:28   (?What do you mean, Without him??)  (irritated) ?Sans him? in his absence? hello??

01:15:39   (?Morpheus believes in you, Neo.?)  (solemnly) ?But he can?t believe it?s not butter.?