My Top Ten Rifftrax Suggestions

[FilmNerd87]

1. Karen (2021)
the most on-the-nose, un-self-aware disaster of a social commentary to come out of Hollywood's recent attempts to turn major and politically divisive news stories into a cash grab. The fact that the writer/director's name is Coke tells you all you need to know about where most of the film's food services budget went.

2 Firetrail (2014)
According to IMDb, Christopher Forbes was the director/writer/actor/cinematographer/editor/camera, and sound department on this meandering tale of people caught in the path of Sherman's March to the Sea. There are two versions, Forbes' original 179-minute project and a truncated 82-minute version released on DVD, but could length save this poorly shot, poorly edited, and poorly written Atlanta-fire of a mess? Would we instead watch nearly three hours of wooden, high school drama club-level acting? Would we rather see three minutes instead of 30 seconds of poorly lighted scenes of burning modern outbuildings and cheap sets? You decide which will rise again and which will be gone with the wind.

3. Persecuted (2014)
A writer/director fantasizes about the persecution of the Christians in America. The pastor's wounds move around his face. He survives after being shot through the heart. The script feels like a rough draft. In the last 30 minutes, the writer suddenly remembers the protagonist needs a character flaw and throws in some flashbacks of his wife. I can hear Bill saying, "You should have put these scenes earlier in the film, honey."

4. Wunderland (2018)
Filmed on an air soft course in Minnesota, this reenactment of the Battle of the Bulge deserves a good Riffing. Not for the scenes of tanks and jeeps driving that make Grandfather's paddling in Zindy The Swamp Boy look like The Fast and Furious. Not for the water bottles lying around the set. Not for the single-shot panzerfaust still a warhead on its tube after it was fired. Not for the terrain going from snow to no snow and then back to snow. Not for the SCR-536 Handie-Talkies' antennas not being extended so that the soldiers are not talking to anyone. Not for headliner Tom Berenger saying "Let's get out of here," obviously referring to his thoughts on the movie. Not for the poor sound quality, but because after writer/director and star Steven Luke forced the audience to endure nearly 90 minutes of a meandering plot accompanied by bad acting, he leaves them on a cliffhanger. Okay, so there is a part two but the film leaves no indication of said sequel. Then he tries to make up for the poor quality of his film by including all the Medal of Honor citations from the battle in the credits. Why not just make a better movie to honor the men who fought in the battle in the first place?

5. Hatfields and McCoys: Bad Blood
This quick cash grab trying to ride the coattails of the Kevin Costner 2012 miniseries is laughably bad. The only thing going for it is that it was filmed around the same location as the actual feud, but poor acting, sound, and unimaginative camera work make it hard to take the violence seriously. The CGI fire effects are horrendous as well as the contrived happy ending. And, oh yes, top-billed Christian Slater is only there for a few minutes.

6. Slamma Jamma
Low-budget, low-quality faith-based baseball drama. I watched it in the theater and almost screamed at the cameraman. He didn't know he could tilt up, so there are scenes where tall characters are speaking to shorter characters and their heads are cut off. I can hear Kevin saying g"Hey, God here, please honor me by making a better movie."

7. Warpath (1951)
Okay, this western isn't that bad, but it still could be fun to riff. Continuity Errors: The cigar in the hand of Sgt. O'Hara (Forrest Tucker) is smoked to a stub and then regenerated. Sgt. Plennert's (John Hart) shaving the same cheek twice. Camera angles: Despite elaborate sets and having the feel of a sprawling epic, I guess budget restraints kept the camera department filming at the same two positions and from changing angles to get a better shot. Historical Accuracy: The scene when enlisted men show up at an officers' ball dressed in the same uniforms as the officers is laughable. The Ending: The way the actors' exposition dump about how Custer and his men are probably dead is a dud of an ending. I guess the production ran out of money to film the aftermath of the Battle of the Little Big Horn. Then despite the fact her father is probably dead, Polly Bergen's character and her love interest decide to stand romantically on a cliff's edge like nothing bad has happened. A classic Hollywood ending.

8. The Duel (2016) A soporific western starting Thor's little thunder Liam Hemsworth and somehow Woody Harrelson, it features plenty of opportunity for Riffing, from its Mississippi filming location trying to pass as the west Texas-Mexican border, from the obvious sand quarry being used as a desert, to the on-the-nose political commentary about rich white men hunting Mexican immigrants for sport. Then there is Alice Braga's character who just disappears. I guess she went looking for a better movie.

9. Dauntless: The Battle of Midway (2019) An attempted cash grab on the heels of Roland Emmerich's Midway. Poor acting, lighting, spacing, and special effects. A pilot floating in the ocean discovers a lighter in his pocket and starts to light a cigarette. Only then does water remember the effect it has on fire. At least the filmmakers acknowledge that shooting a film in their backyard does not make for the best quality and claim in the credits that they flog themselves daily.

10. Arrival (2016) This darling of elite film critics and pretentious film students deserves a good Riffing. From its slow, boring pace that should have garnered it the title Zzzival, to its contrived ending that should have just been Denis Villeneuve yelling at the camera, "Hey, look at me, I'm so brilliant!," to the overacting on the part of Amy Adams as she enters the alien surfboard and stares at either an Instagram filter or an old 35m camera lens, there is plenty of fun that can be had with this Oscar bait. And at the end, please do your best Gandalf impression as you say, "I suppose you think that was terribly clever."

[FilmNerd87]

Dishonorable Mentions

Blood & Honor (2000)
Top-billed Miles O'Keeffe appears halfway through this period soap opera and then just disappears, along with the plot his character was supposed to thicken. As a student of the American Civil War, I was excited when I found a DVD of Blood and Honor at a thrift store. After a viewing, I burned the copy. A rambling, nearly nonexistent plot in a dollar store knockoff of Gone With The Wind. Just a bunch of tropes that have been used in every other period piece and historical romance novel. Terrible acting, sound, editing, and cinematography. Obvious fake blood. The battle scenes were obviously reenactments in which people can be seen casually walking around in the background. Seeing that the author, Maurice J Fagan, of the book the film is based on produced the film should have turned the opening credits into a warning. Directed and Written by Donald Farmer, whose resume is mostly b-rated horror films like ****** With A Chainsaw, Cannibal Cop, and Shark Exorcist, this Sherman-March-To-The-Sea Fire would be a great departure from your normal horror and sci-fi repertoire.

Elizabeth Gail ~ Mystery At the Johnson Farm
I remember watching this one as a 13-year-old and being unimpressed because the answer to the "mystery" was so plainly obvious. Apparently, the film was never released on DVD. Doesn't even have an IMDb page.