What I learned From Megapixeldon: The Motion Picture

[dbsommer]

I learned when a criminal steals a middling painting, they will keep trying to retrieve it from the bottom of a lake (I will never call it an ocean), rather than trying to monetize the unique prehistoric lifeform she's stumbled upon which is worth far more.

I learned people turn into pixels when eaten by a pixelated shark. Makes sense.

I learned what a 0$ budget film looks like. No effort was put into this. Not in the writing. Not in the acting. Not in the Megapixeldon. Not in the sets, since there were none (a stairwell does not count). No one should have been paid a cent.

I learned the worst bad guy plan in history. She literally sends people into a lake to be instantly eaten by a giant shark. They have no chance of finding something on a murky lake bottom to begin with, but they also have no time to search since they are devoured whole in seconds upon entering the water. And she watches it happen over and over again, yet is determined to do the exact same thing repeatedly despite there being no other possible outcome.

I learned they might have padded the time a little by letting lead character's romantic potential not get immidiately eaten in the first five minutes. They killed the subplot as soon as they introduced it.

I learned someone wanted to bring 'spaz', back to our lexicon. I would have gone with jive turkey myself.

I learned Megapixeldon can operate on land. Because when the 60 foot shark can eat people that are only up to their knees in water, it's basically the same thing.

I learned the Polonia Bros have heart when it comes to making a movie. I learned the creators of Suburban Sasquatch and Lycan Colony have something resembling an imagination when concocting a plot. I learned if you put Joe Estevez in your movie, you're at least trying to bring in someone that has a sliver of acting talent. This has none of those things. I fully believe the 'director' said, "I came up with a cool title, 'Jurassic Shark'. Let's go hang out next to a lake for a weekend and shoot us walking around. Girls need bikinis. Buff guy don't wear sleeves. Dad, you bring a shirt with a local beer on it, cause you're the scientist." And that was what they did.

I learned I really would have liked the guys talking over that 14 minutes of slow crawl, made up names, end credits. Maybe reciting every other terrible shark movie that was better than this. They could take turns going, 'Two Headed Shark Attack. Avalanche Sharks. Three Headed Shark Attack. Toxic Shark, 5 Headed Shark Attack (it starts out with 4 but... well it's complicated."

[Pak-Man]

I learned the worst bad guy plan in history. She literally sends people into a lake to be instantly eaten by a giant shark. They have no chance of finding something on a murky lake bottom to begin with, but they also have no time to search since they are devoured whole in seconds upon entering the water. And she watches it happen over and over again, yet is determined to do the exact same thing repeatedly despite there being no other possible outcome.

I think it was implied that her plan was to have the shark fill up on everyone else so she could go in and get the painting for herself. But after eating like 10 people, it didn't seem to be full, so I don't think it was going to ever work.

[Pak-Man]

And I learned that the first thing you should do when you steal a painting is take it out on the lake in a boat. What's the worst that could happen?

[Pastor of Muppets]

I learned the worst bad guy plan in history. She literally sends people into a lake to be instantly eaten by a giant shark. They have no chance of finding something on a murky lake bottom to begin with, but they also have no time to search since they are devoured whole in seconds upon entering the water. And she watches it happen over and over again, yet is determined to do the exact same thing repeatedly despite there being no other possible outcome.

I think it was implied that her plan was to have the shark fill up on everyone else so she could go in and get the painting for herself. But after eating like 10 people, it didn't seem to be full, so I don't think it was going to ever work.

Oh.  The old Zapp Brannigan strategy.

[Pastor of Muppets]

I learned that sharks can attack people on land when it is convenient to the plot.
I learned that those two final girls have absolutely no situational awareness.  Even though all 3 of the bad guys have guns, their plan was "go for that one guy... he has the gun).  Then, SECONDS after the shark miraculously eats someone standing on the shore, they proclaim that they will be safe on the shore.
I learned that huge sharks can live in a small lake, even if that lake cannot possibly have enough food for them to sustain themselves.

Also, the red bikini girl at the beginning of the movie looked just like a friend of mine who died of a drug overdose last year, so that made me kinda sad.

[Pastor of Muppets]

I learned when a criminal steals a middling painting, they will keep trying to retrieve it from the bottom of a lake (I will never call it an ocean), rather than trying to monetize the unique prehistoric lifeform she's stumbled upon which is worth far more.

To be fair, she HAD just committed grand larceny and capital murder.  She had good reason to want to keep a low profile.

They all mentioned later that they were on an island after their boats were attacked by the shark.  So was her plan to take a boat across a lake instead of just driving around it?  I can't figure out the topography of this movie.