Now Available - Battle for the Lost Planet

[Pak-Man]

Battle for the Lost Planet

Feature film · 2020

After returning to Earth in the stolen spaceship he escaped in five years earlier, Harry must stop the Pig-Men who nuked the planet and enslaved its survivors.

With Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

See it on RiffTrax

When Harry Trent runs afoul of some Rent-A-Cops, he escapes in the most sensible way: by blasting off into space in a stolen ship. There's just one thing he didn't count on: he can't return for five years! It's unclear why, something about elliptical orbits or something. Who are we, Galileo Brahe??

Fortunately, Harry uses the unforced time to better himself as a person, teach himself new skills, and broaden his mind. We are just kidding, he paints a face on his space-pillow and humps it.

When Harry finally returns to Earth, it's a vastly different planet than the one he left behind. For one, everyone points at him and says "Hey there's the sicko that has sex with his pillow!" and "Don't get that pillow anywhere near me!" Also, some Pig-Men nuked the planet then enslaved the survivors.

It's up to our hero, a vaguely British woman who's required by movie law to fall in love with him, a guy named Mad Dog, and the elderly version of our hero who occasionally narrates from the future, to stop the Pig-Men and restore order to the lost planet! Fluff up your favorite pillow and hunker down with Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Battle for the Lost Planet!

Written by: Mike Nelson, Conor Lastowka, and Sean Thomason

Contributing writers: Jason Miller and Zach Shatzer

[ihavemyreasons]

My take from the last movie you watched thread here on the forum in 2018:

Galaxy (1986) aka Battle for the Lost Planet

After hijacking a space shuttle, a spy finds that the controls are malfunctioning and sees alien battleships approaching Earth. Many years later, when the arc of his flight path returns to earth, he finds the planet under alien domination.

Kind of liked the opening shot of the large plastic model spaceship crashed in the surf (terrible looking plastic model, but I'm forgiving). That lasted about a half a second and then the narration started and killed my willingness to forgive.

Some WTFs (includes spoilers):
-Aliens played by actors wearing green pig masks that only covers about 3/4ths of their faces. Some other aliens (or maybe mutants or zombies or something, they might have explained and I just wasn't listening) who had green face makeup, but hands, arms, hair, necks, ears all not covered or disguised in any way.
-"Space meals" that are obviously cheap Swanson TV dinners.
-Hero trapped in space on a space shuttle, in his underwear, pretending to have sex with a stick figure drawn onto a pillow.
-Space shuttle (that hero had high jacked from a hanger to get away from the police) stocked with cans of Schlitz beer.
-Space shuttle cabin door at times made out of cardboard and duck tape.
-Can of blue spray painting sitting on the space shuttle dashboard (space shuttle dashboard was the same color blue, so...)
-Whole world goes post-apocalyptic due to the aliens invading while our hero is stuck on the space shuttle for 5 years. Post-apocalyptic in this movie equals traveling on horses, motorcycles, and cars with skulls and spikes glued to them and fighting with axes, sticks, and boards with nails in them (yeah been done before, but this is done especially poorly).     
-Giant claymation cricket with an elongated Alien-esque head dragging a naked heroine through a forest with his tentacles (tentacles not shown in closeups of claymation cricket, but shown wrapped around heroine's leg). Unappealing hero also naked fighting cricket with a torch.
-Hero and heroine abducted by warlord (who looks a lot like Sylvester Stallone). Hero is given his own 80's hair metal groupie. Heroine tortured by being stripped and then forced to dress like an 80's hair metal groupie.  Hero has to fight Sly look alike to the death to keep heroine from being gang raped. (Best line is when Warlord agrees to change the rules to the fight "OK, OK. If you kill me, I'll do you your favor." Sadly hero predictably doesn't kill him.)
-Aliens mis-aim their laser bazooka and we get a quick 3 stooges routine performed by 3 actors in green pig masks.
-Movie does riff itself at one point. Heroine "Come on, give it to me" referring to the secret code that activates the super-secret alien killing bomb. Hero/riff: "Right here...with everyone watching."


Would make good riffing material, but on its own it's pretty damn boring. 

[CJones]

The ship effects remind me MST3K. But MST3K was intentionally cheesy looking, these are presumably not.

[Trekker4747]

"It's the Two Guys From Andromeda!"

Wow! Very deep cut there!

[fodder650]

Well that sure was a movie.