Say something nice about the next poster...

[Johnny Unusual]

Both Orville AND Wilbur (for the purposes of this joke, imagine you heard the joke aurally)

The next poster will stick with you through thick and thin.

[WhyDontTheyLook]

...yelling in your ear, "Why are you going through thick and thin? Go around! We have to get to the hospital to get this liquid cement off us!"

The next poster has the Midas touch.

[Johnny Unusual]

All food I touch becomes inedible.

The next poster is a financial wiz.

[WhyDontTheyLook]

I've pissed away a lot of money in my life.

The next poster has an innate sense of direction.

[TheRealUncleDes]

The only way is down. Up....I meant UP of course. Probably.

The next poster has a word for the wise.

[WhyDontTheyLook]

I call those guys 'wise'.  And then poke them in the eyes and/or hit them with mallets while they go 'wooo-wooo-wooo!'

The next poster always buys a round when it's his/her turn at the bar.