"The Time Guardian" - Carrie Fisher Got Work and Dean Stockwell wears jammies

[LordZordec]

 

I am snowed in, and since nothing was on TV, my wife and I began to search through the Free Movies section of the Comcast On-Demand menu.  We came across a promising looking movie named "The Time Guardian" starring Carrie Fisher and Dean Stockwell - well not really.  Those are simply the only two actors in the movie anyone has ever heard of or will ever hear of again.  It actually stars some white dude and some blonde chick (Tom Burlinson and Nikki Coghill - you know them, right?  That guy and that....um, chick, from that one movie about that thing...)

It is about a city in the 40th century that can time travel, and everyone wears very futuristic looking pajamas, except the warriors who wear nipple-tight metal tops. (If you ever had a thing for Carrie Fisher and wanted to see her topless, this is about as close as you will ever get.)  The bad guys in the movie are a race of cyborg, transformer-like, even robots that are described as, "More machine that man" that track the magic city in time so that they can destroy it, you know, because thats what the even robots are supposed to do, right?

This movie is not big enough for a RiffTrack, but God so help me, I wish Mystery Science Theater were still around - this movie would have been a great one for Mike, Tom, and Crow - though this one may have finally broken them.  This absolutely is the $^^$#%&iest movie ever made, bar %^$^ing none!!! 

It makes Gigli look like a Best Picture, Mad Max II like a classy, well-thought out masterpeice, Three Men and a Little Lady like a timeless classic, and any Rob Schneider movie like an Oscar-snubbed independent artsy film that people in Europe loved.

If you have Comcast On-Demand, check it out in the Free Movies section - if you want to die from acute suckmovieitisosis.

[Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck]

But it's not on DVD

[RoninFox]

I didn't know DisembAudio used to do movie trailers.

[D.B. Barnes]

But it's not on DVD

That is an unholy shame! Can we start a petition or something?!?

And what was up with the Lee Van Cleef simulacrum wielding the sword on the spaceship?

[Darth Geek]

But it's not on DVD

That is an unholy shame! Can we start a petition or something?!?

And what was up with the Lee Van Cleef simulacrum wielding the sword on the spaceship?

That was my favorite part, the old ninja guy!

As an old school huge Quantum Leap fan, I love Dean Stockwell. And he's usually good in whatever he's in, at least there's that.

[LordZordec]

But it's not on DVD

Well, anything CAN be on DVD - with persistence, the right software, and a DVD recorder.  RiffTrax could expand its selection to old school VHS titles that never made the cut for being transfered to DVD.  Before snubbing them, may I remind RiffTrax of a certain 1995 VHS release that is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to find on DVD...unless you DVR it from Cinemax and record it to DVD yourself...

[Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck]

But it's not on DVD

Well, anything CAN be on DVD - with persistence, the right software, and a DVD recorder.  RiffTrax could expand its selection to old school VHS titles that never made the cut for being transfered to DVD.  Before snubbing them, may I remind RiffTrax of a certain 1995 VHS release that is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to find on DVD...unless you DVR it from Cinemax and record it to DVD yourself...

So there's going to be one set of Rifftrax for people with the money for all of this stuff and then another set for the rest of us?

And yeah...there's the "Holiday Special" but that's available in one piece to anyone who has web access.

And since anything can be on DVD if someone is willing to do what is necessary, they might as well release a riff of Avatar right now?

[LordZordec]

And since anything can be on DVD if someone is willing to do what is necessary, they might as well release a riff of Avatar right now?

Hmmmm...that would be kind of cool actually.  Go to the movies with your iPod and be laughing so hard you can't breath at really inappropriate times in the movie.

So there's going to be one set of Rifftrax for people with the money for all of this stuff and then another set for the rest of us?

All the money for a $.50 used VHS from eBay?

[Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck]

So there's going to be one set of Rifftrax for people with the money for all of this stuff and then another set for the rest of us?

All the money for a $.50 used VHS from eBay?

You weren't talking only used VHS...but DVD recorders and movie channels that run the particular movie riffed....almost all of which are on the digital versions of cable providers.  That starts to run into money.  Especially since you have to keep the movie channels long enough to catch the film in question.

Plus, as soon as those used VHS titles (of which there are a limited number) become something more than just a copy of an oddball film someone wants to get off their shelf, watch the price shoot up.....

[LordZordec]

You weren't talking only used VHS...but DVD recorders and movie channels that run the particular movie riffed....almost all of which are on the digital versions of cable providers.  That starts to run into money.  Especially since you have to keep the movie channels long enough to catch the film in question.

Plus, as soon as those used VHS titles (of which there are a limited number) become something more than just a copy of an oddball film someone wants to get off their shelf, watch the price shoot up.....

(sobbing) You are right.  I am so sorry.  I didn't realize you were born without an imagination or a sense of humor.  How dare I suggest something blatantly illegal in jest and expect someone to get the joke. (BTW, we dont pay for cable.  My wife works for Comcast.)

[Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck]

You weren't talking only used VHS...but DVD recorders and movie channels that run the particular movie riffed....almost all of which are on the digital versions of cable providers.  That starts to run into money.  Especially since you have to keep the movie channels long enough to catch the film in question.

Plus, as soon as those used VHS titles (of which there are a limited number) become something more than just a copy of an oddball film someone wants to get off their shelf, watch the price shoot up.....

(sobbing) You are right.  I am so sorry.  I didn't realize you were born without an imagination or a sense of humor.  How dare I suggest something blatantly illegal in jest and expect someone to get the joke. (BTW, we dont pay for cable.  My wife works for Comcast.)

No...forgive me for not being able to read your mind.  Since there's nothing in your post - not even one emoticon - to indicate that what you were saying might have been in jest, I should have been able to know the true intent without you saying so.

And I wouldn't broadcast you or anyone in your immediate family being connected to Comcast....

[Bob]

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

I so want to see that.

[LordZordec]

No...forgive me for not being able to read your mind.  Since there's nothing in your post - not even one emoticon - to indicate that what you were saying might have been in jest, I should have been able to know the true intent without you saying so.

And I wouldn't broadcast you or anyone in your immediate family being connected to Comcast....

You are forgiven...this time.  Next time, I fully expect that you will read my mind, understand the insanity therein, and then be prepared to patronize me and pretend that my dry, poorly executed jokes are funny!!!

[LordZordec]

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

I so want to see that.

Be very careful what you ask for.  You may regret this one.  If I had paid money to see this back in 1987, I would have insighted a mob to burn the place down just for showing it!

[pezdrake]

Hmmmm...that would be kind of cool actually.  Go to the movies with your iPod and be laughing so hard you can't breath at really inappropriate times in the movie.

I actually considered this with New Moon then realized I would have to watch New Moon.  Still it's a good or at least interesting idea.