My Singaporean government-issued rant on Airbender

[Taufiq2u]

When the movie was released to Asian theatres, i wrote a 3 page rant issued by the Singaporean Government about why the Last Airbender sucked. It's TLDR but if you're a fan of the cartoon (like me), well let's just say you'll enjoy this rant. Here it goes:



How do you know when a movie will suck? When your movie has a boring opening crawl.

Yes, the Last Airbender starts off with some Star Wars rip-off text crawl that explains the backstory, but absolutely gives no excitement to the viewer at all. So, we're in for a ride.

The last Airbender is an adaptation of one of the best Nickelodeon cartoons of the decade. I never care for Nickelodeon since most of their 90's cartoons like Rugrats were ugly and shit, but Spongebob Squarepants, The Fairly Oddparents and Avatar the Last Airbender were the best things that came out on Astro and Starhub. It's fucking awesome, like watching Spock and Luke Skywalker fighting the Orcs from the Lord of the Rings in a Shaolin temple in China directed by Stephen Chow. it is that awesome.

When the movie adaptation was announced, it was excited because ATLA makes up for an excellent film trilogy. It had all the elements of an epic trilogy and i don't mind spending 2 hours and 30 minutes of Asian-style action.

But then..........M. Night Shyamalan entered the picture.

Oh god. i never cared for any of his films. I like The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable and Signs was okay but goddamn Lady in the Water is bullshit, The Happening was hilarious in a bad way and i haven't seen The Village because the stupid twist in the movie turned me off from watching it.

Apparently, he was hired to do this adaptation because apparently, his daughter liked the cartoon. That's like saying a policeman does torture because his daughter enjoys it too. But whatever.

The story is simple. There are four nations made of elements: Water, Earth, Fire and Air. Humans can also control any of these four elements. Fire Nation decides invade all these nations. The Avatar is a master of all four elements who can stop wars and bring world peace but he disappeared for a hundred years. Then, two Waterbenders, katara & Sokka found a new Avatar, an airbender named Aang. However, Aang is the last of its kind since the Fire Nation wiped out the entire Air Nation. And Aang also needs to master the other 3 elements to defeat the Fire nation and bring world peace. Simple as that.

So yeah, that's the story from the cartoon. What about the movie? Well, Shyamalan faithfully uses the story and the CGI is decent.

But then, the rest of it will suck. Here's why:

-Talk Talk, Talk, Talk, talk. This movie is full of Tell, Not Show. Hey, let me tell you the story of how the Avatar was made and how the general got his scroll. Just watch me talk and we won't give any visualisations of how it occured and why. It's all talk and no show. Boring.

-The Cast. WHAT THE F—K?! The casting is terrible. I don't wanna get into the racism and the whitewashing of the character (because i'll write about that later in this review), but OMG most of them really suck.

The kid who plays Aang is so dull. He has no emotions and doesn't have that carefree attitude the cartoon protrays him. His character acts like a kid who doesn't wanna eat broccoli. He's just bland.

Sokka is played by Jackson Rathbone. Yes, that boring, monotone kid from Twilight instead of some goofy kid who can play goofy.

Katara is played by Nicola Peltz of the wealthy Peltz family who has a controversial history of being a bitch in the Peltz family according to her BFFs Miley Cyrus and Taylor Momsen. Her acting is just....there. She does most of the narration and she bores me to death. But she's kind of pretty and she's hot in real life. So, yeah.

Zuko is played by Dev Patel who is the only decent actor in this film. But he should have played Sokka because he played a Sokka-ish character in Skins, so why not in this movie?

And Zhao is played hilariously by Aasif Mandvi who exposits everything like he's talking to Jon Stewart in the Daily Show. Now, this is my favourite miscast because this is how his dialog sounded like:

"Aha, Here is the Banished Prince. We Shall Invite Him for a feast but he won't wear the official Armour because he is a Banished Prince and a Disgrace to the Nation. But he is a child, so he will wear it as a child and at the same time we will mock him as a child! HAHAHA!"

Seriously, his dialogue makes me laugh. Shyamalan basically graduated from The Tommy Wiseau School of Scriptwriting

And another stupid miscast is Seychelle Gabrielle as Princess Yue. She's so boring and she doesn't have many lines, but one thing that hilariously bothers me about her is her hair. I'm going to show you the back of her hair, And I'm warning you that the photo you're going to see is one of the most hilarious things to come out in celluloid (Credits to Brad Jones). Here we go:



WTFROFLMAOLOLBBQ!

-The next problem are the Fauna in this film. the Animals were just....there. Appa looks more like a Combine transport from Half-Life and Momo is basically nothing more than a prop. They're just there instead of being a part of the story. And they're not even cute!

-This movie runs for 94 minutes, but it felt like the movie runs for 4 hourse. Which is a contradiction to other epics like Lord of the Rings and Lawrence of Arabia where the movies will be in four hours, but feels more like 90 minutes.

-And this movie lacks any explanation. How does Katara & Sokka knows how to fly Appa? And after 5 mins entering the Northern Water Tribe, Katara says "And Sokka immediately fell in love with Princess Yue". How?! Do first impressions equals auto-sex in the Water Tribes? They don't show how Sokka seduces her in the film, so the whole love thing is bullshit!

-Oh and there's no humour in this film. Seriously, everyone in this film is either serious or emo, including Aang & Sokka. They don't make jokes or hijinks in this film. The only humour that comes from this film is the unintentional ones like Princess Yue's hair.

-In the cartoon, Aang is adventurous and does things like Penguin Sledding and Basket Skating in Omashu. Did he do any of those in this film? Nope.

-If you want to see Jackson Rathbone getting his ass kicked by the Kyoshi Warriors, you'll be disappointed because Shyamalan cut them from this film.

-But this time i wanna get into the use of race in this film. Apparently in the Southern Water tribe, everyone is Inuit except for Katara & Sokka who were white, and that bothers me because it's so out of place. Imagine having two KKK members in a rally where everyone is black and no one cares? Seriously, it's distracting, and racist as well. And they replace the Fire Nation is an Indian nation and that kinda feels lost because it gives the assumption that "All indians are Evil". Great work Shyamalan.

-Oh and in a prison located on a location with alot of Soil and Earth, Aang says "EARTH BENDERS! THERE IS EARTH UNDER YOUR FEET!" What? It took them one kid to make prisoners realise that there is Earth under their feet. And 3 minutes after that, six Earthbenders join together to throw one small rock. Again, What?

-And finally, The Action. IT IS SO BORING! All the action scenes are so boring and i fell asleep when the Fire Nation invades the Northern Water Tribe. I Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz at the action sequences.

So that's the Last Airbender. it's boring, it's badly casted, and the dialoggue sucked. And since today is the release of the film in Malaysia & Singapore, i wanna tell all my fellow Malaysians and Singaporeans to AVOID THIS MOVIE! Stop giving to M. Night Shyamalan please.

Instead, buy the original cartoon series at Speedy and HMV or download it at iTunes. The cartoon is way more awesome than the film. And the best thing about the cartoon is there was an episode in Season 3 where a lame theatre group decided to make a crappy play about Aang's journey against the Fire Nation, and that play was better and more faithful than this movie! Seriously. I can't believe that a crappy play based on Avatar the Last Airbender is better than the crappy movie based on Avatar the Last Airbender. Wow, just Wow.

[RVR II]

So.. The Bottom Line is you Will or Won't get the RiffTrax for this one

[Danecho1967]

I get that you hated the movie, but you need to work on your metaphors.  The two KKK members at an all black rally metaphor was pretty obnoxious, but, I have to say, the Policeman+Torture+"Daughter likes it" metaphor is undoubtedly one of the worst I have ever read.  I hate to be "that guy" who critiques your writing, but, man, I just couldn't help it.

On the Plus side, great signature.  I'm a huge Dr. Who fan myself, though, I'm not sure why Matt Smith is portrayed as the Easter bunny. 

[CJones]

And they replace the Fire Nation is an Indian nation and that kinda feels lost because it gives the assumption that "All indians are Evil". Great work Shyamalan.

Isn't Shyamalan himself Indian? I doubt that's what he was going for.

Anyway, I watched this having never seen the cartoon. I didn't hate it. I could see how the premise had a lot of promise, so I tried watching the cartoon. I only got a few episodes in. The "humor" just seemed so silly and out of place I couldn't stand it. And the faux-anime style was just unbearable. And this is coming from someone who used to be a big fan of anime (emphasis on "used to"). I guess that's what I should have expected from a cartoon meant for kids (I'm 35). I assume it gets better later on, given how many (sometimes fanatical) adult fans it has. Maybe I'll get back to it later.

[Compound]

Well, I just wrote a rant and then deleted it.

You're welcome.

[ManUnderMask]

Wait, so why was your rant issued by your government?

[The Manatee]

Wait, so why was your rant issued by your government?

That's what I want to know.