Gemini (May 21-June 21) -- Your unique way of dealing with crisis situations leads others to look to you in times of extreme distress. That's largely because it's hard not to look when someone is squealing like a stuck pig and pissing all over himself.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) -- Holy crap! What are the odds?! Your astrological sign is Cancer, and... well, I don't want to ruin the surprise, but I will say that your upcoming appointment with the dermatologist is totally going to blow your mind! Man, this stuff even freaks me out sometimes.
Leo (July 23-August 22) -- The next few weeks hold the promise of fun-filled and adventurous experimentation for your spouse and the pool boy. As for you, avoid encounters with enraged livestock this week; in particular, steer clear of Denise from accounting.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) -- This is a great month for Virgo to take stock of his obligations to others and determine whether he could meet them more effectively. Seriously, I want my lawn mower back, you prick.
Libra (September 23-October 22) -- Something is about to happen to you that will make you sad, or happy, or possibly indifferent. People you know will also have things happen to them, although those things may or may not differ from the thing that happens to you. Their reactions might possibly be appropriate to the situation, whatever that turns out to be.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) -- Maybe you ought to lay off the self-abuse for a little while, Scorpio. Your biorhythm says it's either that or a callus on your chakra. You don't want a chakra that's all gross and callusy, do you, Scorpio? I didn't think you did.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) -- That feisty Pisces you've had your eye on, but who so far seems actively disinterested, is really just playing hard to get. Water signs love surprises, so why not shock the romance into your would-be sweetheart? Midnight serenades, sending locks of your hair and unneeded teeth in the mail, and pantsless breaking and entering all look like sure wins.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) -- Enough with the fucking Wings albums, Capricorn! Your friends and neighbors have just about had it with Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey. Mixing in some Ringo once in awhile might help you keep your lease.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) -- Once again, nothing but easy money, wild parties, and hot sex for Aquarius this month. Asshole.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) -- The creepy Sagittarius who has been following you around like some pathetic lost puppy is getting ready to take it to the next level. The stars recommend investing in pepper spray, and possibly a handgun license.
Aries (March 21-April 19) -- Late June finds the moon entering the house of Aries. This could indicate either pending financial difficulties, or the fact that your subscription to Ass Rammers Quarterly is about to expire.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) -- Taurus might want to consider selling all her earthly possessions, stockpiling non-perishable food and small incendiary devices, learning to speak dolphin, and moving into a concrete bumper in Eastern Montana in the near future. I'm just sayin'.
Topic: Your Horoscope For Today (Read 4372 times)
