Author Topic: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)  (Read 51876 times)

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Offline MartyS (Gromit)

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #405 on: October 10, 2017, 10:21:04 PM »
I hope LC is doing better these days, or at least hanging in there....


Offline Johnny Unusual

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #406 on: October 12, 2017, 05:48:27 AM »
Shame.  She was a joy to have around.


Offline anais.butterfly

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #407 on: October 12, 2017, 07:45:12 AM »
I hope LC is doing better these days, or at least hanging in there....

She's going to school and in a healthier relationship, although she still lives with her family. She seems to be doing better. We are facebook friends.
Anais is the Coolest Butterfly I know  ;D


Offline Pak-Man

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #408 on: October 12, 2017, 09:19:18 AM »
Good to hear!


Offline MartyS (Gromit)

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #409 on: October 12, 2017, 01:35:53 PM »
Glad to hear that, let her know there are people here that miss her.


Offline Johnny Unusual

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #410 on: October 13, 2017, 04:35:47 AM »
BTW, I meant to say "same" not "shame".  But yeah, that's good news.


Online Lesbunny

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #411 on: October 14, 2017, 07:15:29 PM »
Yes, I'm doing better. Tearing my hair out nonstop because god damn school is rough. Still, better relationship and all that jazz.


Offline Russoguru

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #412 on: October 14, 2017, 07:32:55 PM »
It's great to have you back here!  :)


Online Lesbunny

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #413 on: October 14, 2017, 07:35:13 PM »
Well, Andrea told me that people were reminiscing and junk, and I've been debating popping back in for a while because my social circle is small as heck. Figured now was as good of a time as any.


Offline Pak-Man

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #414 on: October 14, 2017, 07:43:44 PM »
Woo! Welcome back!


Online Variety of Cells

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #415 on: October 14, 2017, 07:45:11 PM »
Well, Andrea told me that people were reminiscing and junk, and I've been debating popping back in for a while because my social circle is small as heck. Figured now was as good of a time as any.

Good to see you're back.  You were missed. 


Offline MartyS (Gromit)

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #416 on: October 14, 2017, 09:44:44 PM »
Yay, good to see you back here.


Offline LucasM

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #417 on: October 14, 2017, 11:31:00 PM »
Welcome back!
To dispel some of the misconceptions about head injuries you have developed from watching movies and TV, I wrote this: ...Some Information on Head Injury Effects


Offline Johnny Unusual

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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #418 on: October 15, 2017, 03:45:12 PM »
Welcome back, Lesbunny!  Really good to hear from your again!


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Re: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)
« Reply #419 on: October 15, 2017, 06:51:13 PM »
In general I consider myself well adjusted.  I'm calm, and I can take things in stride.  I have been fortunate enough to have avoided any seriously traumatizing experiences in my life.  But there has been one that has come back to haunt me, and I've been having nightmares about it lately.  Not typical nightmares, just dreams with a deep desire to go back and change the past.  My wife is very understanding when I want to talk about it, but I've been feeling the desire to tell more of it.  So thanks to those who read this very long post, but this isn't about something that happened to me.  It's about something I did to someone else.  Telling people this isn't going to make them like me or feel sorry for me, but I guess I'm trying to do something, or anything to atone.

I'll start with the story from my previous point of view.  I call it a story because it very much is a story. The facts are all true, but it's from my old perspective. 

I was a freshman in college.  My high school crush, an unrequited crush despite letting her know my feelings multiple times (too many times really [should have moved on sooner]), invited me over to her apartment to watch a movie.  Unbeknownst to me, she had finished about half a bottle of wine by the time I showed up.  She, like me, didn't drink (I still don't [and have no plans to]).  She had been given the bottle as a gift and didn't want it in the apartment anymore, but also didn't want to throw it out.  She proceed to finish the bottle during the movie. 

So the person I had a crush on all through highschool is now very, very drunk and coming on to me.  I refused.  She kept saying that she really wanted to have sex, but that I could have been anyone.  I refused.  I tried to leave a couple times, but she didn't want to be drunk alone.  And after a few hours, when she seemed less drunk (she was still very drunk), and was still coming on to me, I couldn't refuse any more.  We didn't have sex, I wouldn't have done that.  But we did make out and my hand did go down her jeans.

Afterward, she went to the bathroom, then I guess woke up and came to because she started sobbing hysterically, telling me to leave.  It went from dreams coming true to nightmares almost instantly.  I tried to stay and understand what was wrong but that wasn't happening. I IMed her constantly the day after (story is pre texting) to try and see what she was thinking, and apologizing constantly, but she wouldn't give me anything other than anger.   I spent the next week hiding in my apartment in fear.  Everyone was angry at me.  A few wanted to beat the shit out of me.  I kept trying to figure out what I did wrong and if I could fix it. I mean, I knew I shouldn't have done it, even though she knew how I felt about her and had decided to drink a bunch of wine anyway.  And why would she tease me like that? 

I would find out a a little later from a mutual friend that she thought I had sex with her because her underwear was a little ripped.  The friend was obviously very mad at me, but at the time I couldn't understand why.  After I explained my side he calmed down a little, but only a little, because we never really talked after that. 

About a year later I did reach out to try to make amends with her.  She wanted to put it behind her and so we kind of ignored it.  We even hung out a few times over the next few years, but I moved across the country and we fell out of touch eventually.

And that's the story I would tell myself for years and years about what happened.  It doesn't make you hate me, right?  It leaves in plenty of doubt about her motives, and explains my intentions in a sympathetic way.  But it's not what really happened.  What really happened is I sexually assaulted a girl who was black out drunk.  A girl who could in no way give consent.  I am a rapist.

It's this realization that is giving me nightmares.  It's the years of never really understanding what it was I had done.  I was so naive, having never been around people who were that drunk or having experienced it myself.  I assumed that drinking released your inhibitions.  That's what I had been told by television. That if you drink enough you end up doing the things you're normally too scared to do.  I didn't know that when you're black out, you're a different person.  I didn't know it (I mean deeply know it) until picking up my wife from the hospital after she had mixed some medication with too much alcohol.  The things that came out of her mouth, the way she treated the staff at the hospital, and the way she treated me; that was not my wife.  It was a different person that wasn't in control of anything she did. 

Then Brock Turner was in the news, and in that monster I saw some of me.  Thankfully not much of me, but enough to disturb me, and to disgust myself.  I was disgusted that like him, nothing happened to me.  I lost a bunch of friends, but that's it.  I was disgusted that for all this time I had been sorry for all the wrong reasons, and never fully taken responsibility for the horrible thing I had done.

I desperately want to go back and tell her how horrible I feel now, and that I have finally learned.  I don't want forgiveness (I don't feel I deserve it), but I want her to know that I have actually changed.  After one nightmare I got up and wrote her a long text, but held off on sending it after convincing myself it was in fact selfish. Its been almost a decade since we've talked, and all it would do is dredge up old trauma that would do nothing to make her feel better. 

So after ruling that out, there's only one thing I can do: teach my future children about consent, and make sure they know exactly what it means.  It's such a passive thing that does nothing for the victim, but I guess it's something. 

I've phrased this all as if I had one sudden realization of what I did, but no, it's been a slow process.  And I expect these nightmares will last a while too.  However, I don't think I want to get rid of them.  I didn't post this looking for help necessarily, or as a way of releasing and unburdening.  I posted this as a way of focusing my thoughts on what I have done.  Forgiving yourself and moving on are important, but I too easily rationalized without ever really understanding what I did.  I deserve these nightmares, at least for now.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2017, 06:54:23 PM by Variety of Cells »