Acute Psychological Distress: Help

[Russoguru]

I've been okay... relatively speaking lately. I mean I still have episodes and panic attacks, but today something happened that made me almost fall completely apart and... it's rather embarrassing so I'd rather not go into details. Basically, somebody made an appointment to discuss a project with me and... they didn't call. I sat there for two hours next to my cell phone waiting for them to call and they never did. I didn't get any messages or even an email telling me what happened.

What happened later shocked me. The event caused my mind to unravel pretty badly. I started getting so fucking depressed I actually started crying... out LOUD. I was very embarrassed for getting so emotional over something like this. I got so low I even felt like I almost had to call the fucking hotline.

Anyway I'm putting the pieces back together but it took me a long time and I'm still depressed. I'm really hoping a good nights sleep is what I really need to keep it together. I was just... surprised because I was just triggered so acutely.

[F-Zero]

I'm overcome with paroxisms of rage about my brother.  Every time I see him or talk on the phone with him or read his emails the two words that scream in my brain are SELFISH and LAZY.  He literally has no discernible personality outside of the traits of SELFISHNESS and LAZINESS.  When I try to fall asleep my mind goes to him and I starting barking insults and my adrenalin goes through the roof and I bounce out of bed and punch dance the air but it doesn't help so I get lost in the computer so here I am.  Pant, pant, pant.

Russo sorry for your troubles.  I find when I'm surprised by my own emotional state I think back and it's usually something I ate or a wound or surgery or drugs or chemical fragrances or something like that.  I just don't feel that much any more in and of itself.  I had corn chips for the last three days so I get super pissed at my brother, haha.  Anyhow, it sounds like some kind of rejection you suffered.  When confronted with that situation I automatically go to cognitive therapy practice.  I analyze the situation and my perceptions for personalization, generalization, all-or-nothing, mind-reading, etc.  I find it helpful despite my vast omniscience, /sarcasm.

Also if you want even more unsolicited advice pass along the pain once in a while. While you're angry I mean.  Just lash out at somebody in the ultimate moment.  Call the dude and cut loose on his voicemail why not?

[Russoguru]

Thank you for listening F-Zeo, but I don't think I can do that. I've had problems with rage in my past and I just have to channel my pain into other emotional outlets, in this case, it's sadness. When that happens, my depression maxes out. I just have to keep telling myself "It's okay, there's no reason to be angry, it's nobody's fault, it's nobody's fault". Letting myself get angry would let the old me come out and I just refuse to let that happen.

[F-Zero]

Yeah man, no problem.  Any time.  I'm a regular Freud. 

[Cupcake]

I told someone last night I've had a thing for her for a while, this morning I find out she's in the hospital for self harm. Unrelated, 100%, but my brain keeps trying to convince me that I somehow was a part of it, so I'm fighting anxiety.

[Cupcake]

TW: discussion of  and description of self harm, suicide

I finally got paid after 2 months... 200 dollars less than expected. I don't know what I'm going to do. Because my funds were stretched so hard, I've not been able to pay debt collectors, who are breathing down my neck, who I've promised to pay at least a minimum payment to on Monday. Problem is... I was over drawn 70 dollars because fuck me, right? And so between the debt collectors... I'm going to have a grand total of 6 dollars unless they decide to be supremely nice which generally isn't in their nature. I haven't been able to afford my medicines in over a month, and I'm either low or out of all of them. My dysphoria over presenting masculine all the time is driving me up a wall, my mother treats me like I'm a lazy POS because I didn't get a proper paycheck since October, even though it's not my fault that my new job pays a month behind.

I want to hurt myself. I want to cut my arm open. I want to see the blood dripping down my hand. I want to just take every pill I can find in this house. I want to find the key to my father's gun safe. I want to die. I don't know how else I'm supposed to get by. My application for food stamps was denied because I couldn't get the work done to make it go through. My life is literally work and home. I want to die, to bleed, something so that I feel something. I'm so tired of this being broke. I go to food pantries when I can, but I work 5 days a week. Weekends are the only time I can go, and even then, it takes gas I can't afford to get there. I'm trying to cut down on everything unnecessary. I'm trying to fix my bullshit. I'm trying so hard not to fall or fail or anything and I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to be able to push past this. I want to cut so bad. My head is in a daze, I feel like I'm floating through a fog. I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. I just want everything to end. I want this bullshit to go away. I want everything to just stop. And even better, I've got to be up in an hour to go to work and do it all again. I want to drive off the freeway on my way into the school.

[Russoguru]

As someone who has engaged in self-harm many, many times myself... don't do it Lesbunny. Please don't. I know shit is horrible and bad but you need to hang on, if for nothing else than tomorrow might somehow be better. If Anais Butterfly were here, I know what she'd say, she would never let you hurt yourself either. Please Lesbunny, don't do that to yourself. You are worth so much more than that.

[F-Zero]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oSR8Gqn4qU

[stansimpson]

I don't know if my wife & I are gonna separate, but she's really wanting to. We've started counseling. What she said would fix things is that I would have to change my personality. I think it's more of my declining mental health. Safe to say my passion for life has clearly dwindled. Midlife crisis warning signs perhaps? Ultimately, what she says is that I'm bringing her down and she feels trapped and she wants out. You know that whole "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" part of our vows? Yeah, she didn't mean it and has said as much. She says I'm too lethargic. The catch 22 is that the bleakness of this situation is only going to make it harder to get out of.

My home life is one of (if not the) most important thing to me, so I'm waking up to my worst nightmare coming true, and I have little to no say or power in it. She was going to leave this weekend for her parents' place (isolation be damned) without telling me. That is, had there not been a stroke-of-luck intervention that happened Sunday. 

The absolute worst part is the talks of taking my son away from me. He's only 20 months old. I can't even describe in words how painful this part is to type, much less speak aloud. I know millions of fathers go through this, but this is different (not wholly different; just atypical). That kid is my whole world. I asked my wife about logistics. She threw out some ideas, like sharing him half a week or one-week-on, one-week-off. Didn't even phase her to say it. I had to ask her "How do you feel about not seeing your son for a whole week"? She was taken aback, because she realized how much that would actually suck. She just spurts out things that makes it clear she thinks she's the most important person in the world. Everyone else comes second. This whole thing guts me. It's a punishment I can't even fathom. It feels like going to prison for a crime I didn't commit.

If I lose my family, I think it will destroy me. My faith and hope in literally everything will be gone. Everything else, by comparison, means nothing without them. I've been hanging onto my religion by a thread as it is. My closest family members are 1,000 miles away. Almost all my friends have moved away. The only long-term girlfriend I ever had said the same thing about me taking away all her energy too and was a lynchpin to our breaking up. That was 15 years ago. I tried very hard to be a better man since then. This is only proving I've accomplished 0% of that goal. If worse comes to worse, I don't see why I should be married to anyone ever. I will literally do nothing with the rest of my life but go to work and watch movies when I can't be around my son. I don't drink, but knowing about fathers who are separated from their children and becoming alcoholics is making way more sense than it ever has before.

It's late now, and I have to cry myself to sleep for the second night in a row. I don't imagine that streak breaking for quite some time either. Hope I'm stronger at work tomorrow too. I could barely lift my head to look at my computer screen this morning due to the literal emotional weight.

Some of you here are friends with me on FB, so I kindly ask that this be kept private. I just needed a forum to get this out. I'm hoping counseling goes well. We're going to start reading a book on marriage too, but she made it clear she doesn't think it's gonna help. This whole thing's a nightmare.

[RVR II]

Man that sux. I honestly don't know what advice I can give you other than I hope things can work out for the better for you.
From my personal experience with my late wife, it seemed we would eventually separate because her priorities were money and her family, I somehow managed to keep things patched up enough to keep from losing my house which she mentioned she would go after if we did divorce.. Then a 'Twist of Fate' stepped in and stopped the madness when she passed away from cancer. It was by far the worst thing I have ever experienced seeing your spouse take her last breath on this Earth. Despite our vicious arguments we had over the 16 years we were together, I still miss her and wish we could have worked together for our future but that was just not in her plans but in and looking back on things, I'm better off without the misery I was putting up with almost daily. I still have my house, I have a new woman in my life that takes very good care of me (though we have differing political views and we choose not to discuss that with each other to avoid arguments that won't get resolved) and I have a new job at the Post Office. I very much look forward to coming home after a long stressful day of dealing with the public.
I don't have any kids so I can't even relate to not being able to see your child when ever you want to but hopefully you two can work that out. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but sometimes those reasons don't become clear until later in life so for now all I can do is hope for the best for you.

[Russoguru]

Out of the blue in the last couple weeks I’ve had serious depressive episodes again. I mean I’ve had them ongoing for the past six years, but these episodes have been really acute. Frankly, I’m scared. Part of my brain is going to very dark places, dark places that involve the end of my life. I am not dealing with it well. I just have to plow through it as best as I can.

[wihogfan]

No good advice other than please keep plowing. For all the shitty things that life can throw at you I hope you focus on the good and that the good overall outweighs the bad.

[stansimpson]

My wife left me last night. She packed up her things and left without telling me. I have our two year old on nights and weekends. She still wants to stay married but wants us both to work on ourselves under different roofs (she's staying with her best friend right now). But the future is uncertain.

The deadline for me to "get better" was Nov 1. I mean, I get how I started to do better at first but fell off the wagon shortly after. I don't know if I would've gotten better before then. As an avid procrastinator, October probably would've kicked my butt into gear. But we'll never know. Now I feel like I'm working backwards to get better. This isn't all about me of course. I would go so far to say this is more about her than me; or at least say the things she needs to deal with are extremely complex by comparison. But I'm just trying to fix on my own things right now.

I probably have depression. I think social distancing has destroyed me emotionally. I've been sad before. So sad that I went to some dark places. But this? I'm just so numb. I have zero motivation. I go to work, play with my kid, get groceries, etc. But anything beyond the basics just, I dunno, doesn't get done. I'll make a plan to do something, 2 weeks will go by, and I'll suddenly realize nothing got done. I'm behaving in ways I've never behaved before.

I'm an overly cautious person, and I'm a hardcore introvert. Before the pandemic, my whole adult life has been struggling for me to be social. I haven't hung out with anybody in person since April. I get a lot of energy and life from socializing. I may do so infrequently, but those times are very important. My wife, on the other hand, has a handful of friends that she visits all the time. So my body is punishing me for being responsible, but my wife is rewarded for being irresponsible.

The question gets asked, "What would you do for your family?" So would I go against CDC rules for them? Looks like I have to make that decision. As well as a thousand other little decisions. I'll be researching counseling and depression meds today. Probably do some chores around the house. And I bet if someone looks into the house today, they'll see zombie stansimpson milling about. No music. Sluggish walk. Head dropped. Man, I never thought it would come to this.

[MartyS (Gromit)]

Sorry to hear all that, this pandemic has messed up a lot of people emotionally.  In April, May, and June my only interaction with other people was typing on the computer.  Loads of projects around the house and computer games have kept me distracted but most of the time I'm still in deep depression.  People keep saying things will get better next year, they might as well be saying 10 years as far as I'm concerned.

As for breaking CDC rules, there's plenty of anecdotal evidence that masks do work to stop asymptomatic people from spreading the virus, and even some symptomatic people with coughs that have had close interactions wearing masks haven't been spreaders.  So I guess factor that into your decision.

[RVR II]

Ugh.. That really sux
I went back to see what I wrote and really don't have a lot to add other than find something to do that gives you focus so depression doesn't overwhelm you. Since that post I've changed job titles at the post office and that has helped me reduce the stress I had working as a clerk as well as getting some projects done on and around my house that took my attention away from the depressing news feed and the sad reality in general. When I get home, I just turn on Star Trek to take me out of reality.
I don't know what to recommend in your case but perhaps seeking some help may be beneficial in your case. If you can find a way to correct things and change some bad habits in the process maybe things can get worked out. Of course you can always come here to vent and we'll be glad to be social with you Really hope for the best for you guys.