RiffTrax: The Forum

   As you recall, to get LoC 131 off the ground, we decided to switch to a more popular subject. And while I haven't completely canceled the "Worst Superhero Movie" topic, the switch to the Western topic has yielded more lists than we have had in nearly a decade.  But since this is a last minute topic switcheroo, and on a topic I am not that familiar with, and since this LoC is months behind schedule anyway, I am afraid the write ups will be a bit sparse this time around. Same with this introduction.  So let's get to what you decided were the 50 Best Westerns.

Within walking distance of all of the professional sports stadiums, the Downtown Phoenix Hotel offers satisfactory lodgings to all visiting sports fans. Whether it is the minature swimming pool, or the painting of flowers above every bed, the Downtown Phoenix exudes an atmosphere you may cherish for minutes to come.





Another acceptable lodging, right nearby the heart of the Sun Valley Ski Resort. Reasonable rates during the summer off season.  This hotel has it's own mini 150 yard ski hill in the back for those looking to practice before they get to the real slopes.







The tie for 48th and 47th places goes to two identical Best Western  hotels, that due to an avoidable clerical error at Best Western's corporate headquarters, were both built directly across the street from each other on the I-46.  The story goes that the company purchased a plot of land to build a hotel, not realizing it was bisected by the Interstate. They went ahead with construction of a hotel, but with confusion over which side of the highway it was to be built on. It wasn't until the ribbon cutting ceremony that Best Western executives realized they had built two hotels. A decision was made to open both, allow them to complete, and whichever proved the more successful would remain open while the less successful would be sold to developers.  In John Robertson's book Two Too Many: The Incredible Story of the Competing Indian Hotels, the managers of both hotels went all out to win the competition, providing gourmet food, luxurious canopy beds with silk sheets, 24hr valets for each room, complementary Sassoon brand soaps and beauty products in each bathroom, and free cable and Pay-per-view. All for the low price of $35 a night, a price which decreased as each hotel tried to undercut their competition across the street, until both were offering $1 a night lodgings. 

According to Robertson:"It wasn't just luxury amenities and curate pricing. The managers of both hired the best Madison Avenue advertising firms to create commercials for their hotels.  These advertisements featured popular celebrities and state of the art special effects.  The commercials aired all the time on local television, and occasionally outside of the Indiana area. And in 2007, both hotels placed commercials in Super Bowl XLI. Both confused viewers. One was a monkey in a cowboy costume riding a dog through a miniature Western set. The other had comedian Kevin James stuffing a large quantity of clothing into what appeared to be a bottomless suitcase.  Neither mentioned their respective Hotels by name." Things got nasty when the attack ads began. "Best Western North accused Best Western South of having an insect infestation.  Best Western South alluded that Best Western North secretly funded Al Quaeda. Both accused each other of ties to the mob, having lead paint and asbestos in their walls, of cooking meth and selling it to children, of Communism, and anything else nasty that they could think of." Despite all accusations, both hotels  became popular destinations due to their bargain rates and over the top amenities.  You may ask how either could stay in business, and the answer is that they didn't.  Together the two hotels cost Best Western over $500 million before the corporate office ordered both locations closed.





Opening in 1976, this location refused to close during and after the meltdown incident at the power plant in March of 1979. And with only minor mutations within the staff, has remained open since. Your bags will be brought to your room in no time, thanks to Gerry, the three armed bellhop.  Guests of the Best Western Three Mile Island have often been thrilled by its spectacular nightly light show, emanating from the hotel itself, its staff, the surrounding vegetation, and from guests staying more than one night.

Whether in town as a tourist, or as part of an unhinged mob determined to sack the Capitol Building and wipe their own  excrement on Nancy Pelosi's desk, there is no better place to stay than the Best Western Washington D.C. Unlikely to be mistaken for a landscaping company, the Best Western Washington D.C. is within walking distance of any government building you were planning to protest. It offers conference rooms for logistical planning with your cohorts, and a parking lot big enough to stage a gathering of ten thousand, or to hold a press conference in front of an actual hotel.  And, it is a convenient place for a clandestent rendezvous with your secretary and or intern.





You decided to drive cross country.  You thought you had New York City in your GPS. But it leads you to Manhattan, Kansas instead. Each year millions of Americans drive to Manhattan, Kansas by mistake.  And once there, there is no better place to spend the night than at the Best Western Manhattan Inn. Their photographic mural of the New York City skyline behind the front desk is their way of saying "Sorry you came here by mistake." But your NYC experience doesn't end there. The dining room offers hot dogs, knishes, gyros, pizza, egg cream, and any other food they are convinced is authentic New York City food. The staff has been trained to speak in a Hollywood style exaggerated Brooklyn accent to help you feel less homesick.  And hidden speakers inside the walls plays the sound of a passing police car siren every fifteen minutes. In recent years the Inn sought to enhance their guests NYC experience by surrounding their building with permanent green scaffolding.





What hotel can boast that Lava once flowed into their lobby? The Best Western Plaza Hotel, that's who. The crusty lava residue is still caked on the lobby floor, often tripping guests, and has been there for nearly 100 years. And it can't be removed, as Hawaiians are convinced removing any lava will anger Pele, the lava godesses. She put it there, wants it to stay there, and will curse anyone who removes it. They remind the Best Western that they should be lucky the only part of the hotel the lava flowed into was the lobby, and the rest of the hotel was spared. Originally the Mea Nui Hotel, it was purchased by Best Western in the 80s where the new manager attempted to remove the lava residue, but after finding no workmen on the island willing to do it, took a pick as to it himself. He only succeeded in removing a few pounds of crust, after which he dropped dead. His official cause of death is listed as heart attack. Never the less, no one has attempted to remove the lava since. Even after Don Ho famously took a face plant while walking through the lobby when booked at the hotel's lounge. For those who do not trip over the lava, staying at the Best Western Honolulu can be satisfying, as they provide everything a tourist is convinced is the authentic Hawaiian experience.  This includes being given a lei by the desk clerk as she says "aloha", Hawaiian shirts in the gift shop, tiki torches for outdoor lighting, and the complementary luau with a whole barbecued pig that has a pineapple sticking out of it's mouth and ending with a hula dancer who invites the most uptight looking tourist to reluctantly join her on stage and try the dance for himself.





"Turn on, tune in and drop out." That was the motto of the millions of hippies who traveled to San Francisco  during the late 1960s. A quote which originated with Dr. Timothy Leary, who prescribed the mind altering drug LSD for the multitude. Nearly 60 years later those hippies are long gone. But for the curious, you can visit the city that was once the hippie capitol of the world. And while there, stay at the upscale Best Western Cartwright Hotel. A tight ship of an establishment where the rooms are spotless and the staff is always prompt and curious. All thanks to hotel manager Maxwell Bishop, who would prefer that no one remembers that he went by the name Captain Fun when he arrived in town in the summer of 68. Your every desire will be attended to by the concierge Samantha George, who would rather you did not bring up that she went by the name Butterfly, and was once arrested for sneaking onto an army base and painting flowers on tanks. Or perhaps you would like to use the Cartwright's gymnasium and spa, run by resident fitness expert Jane Makenzie, who instructs a killer spin class, and hopes no one realizes she was born and raised on her parent's commune and who's legal name is Daffodil Moonsparkle.  Despite being part of the Best Western empire, this is one high class hotel. It even has it's own press agent, Mick Thomas, who prays that no one remembers that he was the lead singer for Starship.





Featured on several television shows, this Best Western location is famous for it's hospitality, and the 1968 incident where the manager butchered five staff members and 23 guests with a meat cleaver before finally being shot dead by the police. Consider one of the five top haunted buildings on the East Coast, the staff will go out of their way to make sure your stay is pleasant. They boast a prompt maid service whenever broken projectile furnishings need to be cleaned up, or dripping blood scrubbed off the walls. Their white noise machines are guarentee to cancel out any unearthly moans or screams during the night. The staff is courteous and pleasant, sending the message that their guests are always welcome, despit the occasional voice from thin air  warning them to leave now or die.

You thought you could make the cross country drive, just as you remember your family doing way back in the 80s when you were just a kid.  Handheld electronic devices simply did not exist. The cell phone  just barely existed.  So back then kids kept themselves entertained with coloring books during long drives. Today you have smart phones that are everything. Internet access, game consoles, music players, televisions, movie players.... heck, even cell phones. More than plenty to keep a carload of kids occupied as you make the journey.  However by day two everyone is board with every their phone has to offer, and are complaining about not being wherever you were heading yet. You recall those car rides in the 80s were made palatable because there were dozens of tourist trap along the way which your father would stop at whenever the carload got bored. Only one problem. This highway seems void of tourist traps. For the past seven hours there has been nothing but wheat fields as far as the eye can see on both sides of the road. An then you see it. A billboard announcing that you are ten miles from the Worlds Largest Bale of Hay. Sounds boring.  But there is going to be nothing else for hundreds of miles. The next few billboards count the distance down.

"You are 7 miles away from the World's Largest Bake of Hay."

"You are 5 miles away from the World's Largest Bale of Hay"

"You are 2 miles away from the Worlds Largest Bale of Hay"

"World's Largest Bale of Hay next exit"

Then the exit sign "Jinkinsville/Lake Simon/Samuel's Dell" and above it "Worlds Largest Bale of Hay".

So you leave the highway. You know you are going the right direction, because periodically there is a billboard saying  "Follow this road to The World's Largest Bale of Hay". You pass trough a very small town and keep driving. You seem to have been on this exit road longer than you were on the highway when you were supposedly only 10 miles from the Bale of Hay.  As you enter another small town, a sign says "World's Largest Bale of Hay next left". You make a left at the towns only intersection and go for another long ride out of the town on a smaller road. After more wheat fields you approach a third town, with a sign that says:

"Welcome to Samuel's Dell
Home of the
Worlds Largest
Bale of Hay"

This town seems much larger than the ones you just passed. It actually has a few stores, a bar with a neon Miller sign, and a Best Western motel.  Another sign directs you to make a left again. This time down an even smaller road that winds through a residential area before heading into farmland again. Just when you think you have made a wrong turn, you see a billboard with the words "Worlds Largest Bale of Hay", and an arrow pointing to a dirt road.  You follow it, hoping your axil doesn't break, and eventually arrive at a grassy field where a lot of cars are parked. Just beyond it a gate, behind which is a farmer's house, a barn, and a few other small buildings.  Your family wants to know what is this place, and you tell them "You'll see". At the gate, you are told it will be $8 admittance for each adult, $5 for every kid under the age of 12. And the next tour will be in a half hour or so. But while you wait, please visit their snack table, selling home made apple cyder, apple pie, biscuits, and bottled beer. Eventually a tractor pulling a large wagon with seats arrives. People get out, and you and everyone else are asked to get in. There are quite a few people here, and not enough seats, so some of you will have to sit on the floor. The tractor pulls the wagon through the farm, as the guy driving it acts as a tour guide,  spouting trivia about the different buildings as if they had some importance.

Finally you head out  to the area where the World's Largest Bale of Hay is. You can see it in a distance, and watch as it grows larger and larger the closer you get. The tractor driver tells you that this Bale is relatively new, replacing the former World's Largest Bale of Hay which apparently burned down a few years back when a careless tourist threw his lit cigarette on the ground near it.  It is indeed an impressive size. But it is just rolled up dried grass. The tractor comes to a stop near the bale, and the driver invites everyone to get out for a close up look. You ask your teenage son what he thinks, and he says "It sucks. And so do you." People are taking their pictures near it. You ask your teenage daughter if she wants to take a selfie with the bale, and she says "God no!" as if you asked her to do something disgusting.  The younger kids seem happy. But they are ignoring the bale and chasing after the farm's ducks. Your wife has a confused look on her face, as if she wants to say "Why did you bring us here?"  You know this was a bust. As everyone heads back to the wagon, you take a picture of the bale on your phone. About a few months from now you will discover you still have that picture and delete it immediately.

As you drive off the farm and backtrack your way to the highway, you decide it is getting a bit late. This little side trip wasted a couple of hours and it is nearly sundown. Samuel's Dell has a Best Western, so you decide to check in for the night. Your family is relieved to be off the road, and so are you. It is not much of a place. But it seems like something when you are surrounded by miles and miles of wheat fields, and the only other thing of interest within an entire days drive is a giant bundle of straw.





There is no grander Best Western hotel than this one in Atlanta. Located within an actual 1800s era mansion, Best Western purchased this estate in the 80s and converted it into one of their most luxurious hotel to date. You will marvel at their spacious rooms that will have you living like royalty. A grand experience for all.. as long as you don't think about how the original owners of this mansion got their money. Or stop to think of what that wooden post in the courtyard was once used for. For those of you not comfortable booking a room in the mansion proper, the Best Western Atlanta offers modest bungalows in the back. Converted in the 1980s, these modest rooms offer the same luxury amenities as offered to all the other guests, guaranteeing a pleasant nights stay, as long as you don't stop to think why this mansion had a bunch of cabins behind it.





Are you in a festive spirit? Then why not visit North Pole, Nevada. Once called Widows Creek, the town came up with the idea of changing their name in the 1940s to "North Pole" after learning the post office gets inundated with mail addresses to the North Pole every December and has nowhere to send it. If the Post Office officially recognized Widows Creek as "the" North Pole, then tourists would be sure to follow. But as it turned out, more than a dozen towns across the United States had already come up with the same scheme.  To make matters worse, three competing Santas Villages opened within the same two years, along with one Santa's Castle. Today only two of the Santa's Villages remain open, and the live reindeer have died long ago from heat exhaustion, but the town remains determined to maintain it's fake North Pole identity year round.  All businesses that open in the town are compelled to be Christmas themed.  And the mayor himself wears a Nutcracker style uniform whenever he is in public. The town's Best Western exudes in the Christmas theme. Built to resemble a gingerbread house both outside and in, the smell of artificial cinnamon wafts through the air of every room, while Christmas music of all kinds play constantly through the hotel wide speakers.  The entire staff dresses like elves, and will constantly wish you a Merry Christmas ( or Feliz Navidad for the Spanish speaking guests ) any day of the year. The highlight of your stay is a visit from Santa Claus himself, who magically enters the hotel through the lobby fireplace every night at 5pm, and again at 8:30pm.





Wellington Cove is not a friendly town. The locals distrust and hate outsiders.  There is a pub, but don't bother going. The owner will refuse to serve you, and ask that you leave his establishment the moment you walk through the door. Walking down it's main road will result in the town residents angrily staring at you, while the women folk quickly shutter their windows.  The town motto seems to be "You best be going now!" You get an eerie feeling this sleepy fishing village is up to something sinister, but don't dare try to find out as you are sure any attempt to ask questions will result in your murder. And when visiting Wellington Cove, be sure to stay at their Best Western Inn, where the staff is always glad to see you, and you are always welcome.





Visiting a friend, spouse or relative in federal prison does not need to completely be harrowing. While visiting Leavenworth Prison, be sure to stay at the local Best Western. This gem of a hotel exceeds in hospitality and amenities.  Your stay is sure to result in happy memories you will be eager to share with the inmate you are visiting. 

Once a popular resort, this landlocked lake soon became a toxic wasteland when water from the Colarado river was diverted for farms instead of flowing into the lake, it began to dry up. By 1999 it had become too salty to support life, killing off millions of fish, and the birds that fed on them. The stench of the massive die off made the surrounding towns to unbearable to live in. Those who stayed faced economic hardship as jobs were lost as each resort closed. Eventually the rot in the air became so toxic that the few who stayed became sick. By 2020 the entire area became a toxic ghost town with a mostly dried up polluted salt lake in the center. While it is inadvisable to vacation at the Salton Sea, if you do visit, stay at the Casa de la Orilla. Once located along the beautiful lake shore, it is now a quarter mile inland surrounded by millions of dead fish corpses.  But while this plucky little resort can no longer offer jet ski lessons, or any other outdoor activities, it does offer the only indoor electricity left in the area. The only place to stay for those baby boomers who want to bring their family to their favorite childhood resort, but never bothered to do any research on the area after 1980.





Just arrived in New York City and want lodgings immediately? Try the Best Western JFK Airport, just yards from the American Airlines Terminal. A great place to spend the night, provided you don't mind the constant roar of jet airliners taking off and landing. A convenient place to stay when waiting for your missing luggage to be found, waiting out snow delays, or waiting for a connecting flight. The lobby boasts a comissioned mural by famed artist Fredrick Ötisbergh, confusingly combining groundbreaking moments from the history of aviation, and highlights from the political career of our 35th president. 





A warm and friendly establishment, which you would never suspect that in it's basement was once the terminus of a tunnel from Mexico, dug by the Sinaloa Cartel. But with the exception of the shootout between the F.B.I. and the Cartel during a 2015 raid of the hotel, guests would never know the tunnel was there. The management insists the tunnel has been sealed long ago and it is very unlikely for any Cartel members to reactivate it and emerge, so little chance this time of any guest fatalities. 





When visiting Disneyland, there is no more convenient a hotel to stay in than the one right across the street. One of the many ancillary businesses that had Walt saying "Goddamit! I should have also purchased the property surrounding my park!" The Best Western Disneyland Adjacent offers it's guests all the family fun it legally can without violating any of Disney's copyrights or trademarks.





The town with so little going for it, that it renamed itself after it's famous general store. Once called Fort Adams, the town's general store, the Rusty Rooster, inexplicably became a popular roadside attraction for Route 66. A great place to buy cheap midwestern memorabilia, cowboy hats, rock candy, or eat at their bar and grill where your meal is free if you can eat an entire 20 pound hamburger in one hour. Or perhaps you would rather try their Rocky Mountain Oysters, a concoction of deep fried meat the locals insist you eat, then have a good laugh when they tell you they are cattle testicles as you are down to your last bite. Rusty Rooster souvenirs are sold at the cash register, including bumper stickers, t-shirts and mugs with their stores logo. Just about the one thing the Rusty Rooster did not think of doing was offer lodgings.  For that, travel across the street to the town's Best Western.  It may not be as fun, but after downing 20 beers, or a jug of the Rooster's patented granny moonshine, you will definitely need a place to crash for the night.

When visiting New York City, the best place to sleep is in the middle of the world's largest tourist trap. Known to millions as the only place to pee when confined to the North Eastern section of Times Square on New Years Eve, this Best Western offers a place to sleep for those not kept awake by the bright flashing lights. Located on the corner with the guy standing still in green body paint and Statue of Liberty costume, and the performing Country Western singer wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and underwear. A great place for the kids as they can meet multiple Marios, Elmos and Minnie Mouses in an area that once had hundreds of porno theaters, adult book shops and peep shows.





I was rolling down Interstate 70 in my bundled out 18 wheeler. I had Motor City in my back pocket and was planning to continue straight to Shaky City, skipping the chicken coops. But about ten miles out of Loma, I picked up Smokey sniffing at my back door.  An Evil Knievel who was my bumper sticker all the way in. I wasn't eager to feed the bears, so had little choice but to weigh in. However, I was getting reports of big word at Loma, and sure enough, on arrival it was all locked up. Well, I had to pay the water bill anyway, and decided to find a rest-a-re-a and spend the night in a real bed. Get the truck weighed in the morning. Thankfully Loma has it's own Best Western. No sitting in your rig until dawn. So I caught a few hours of zzz's and the next morning was refreshed and ready to reach my destination and flip-flop back to Motor City.





Perhaps the best deal you can get for a Best Western room is at their Point Barrow, Alaska Inn. Book a room for the night on November 18th, and you will have it for the equivalent of the next 67 days. Because the town is North of the Arctic Circle, when the sun sets on November 18th, it does not rise again until January 23. A great bargain with the slight caveat that the hotel is short staffed. With exception to the desk clerk, the rest of the staff leaves town on November 1st and doesn't return until March 1st. The inn's clientele are tourists and arctic explorers, and they do not dare visit the region during the months when the temperature drops 50 degrees below zero.  Nor would you want to leave your room once booked. The next 67 days, just sitting on your bed and praying the oil burner doesn't break down.





Want to get away from the trappings of the modern world, but don't want to go all the way back to the stone age? The Best Western in Lancaster County was specifically built by and for the  Amish. This modest barn shaped building has no electricity, no running water, no phone or internet. Enjoy the complementary all you can eat buffet of corn bread and freshly churned butter.  It also offers shuttle horse cart service between the hotel and bus station.





Just arrived in America off the boat? Don't want to stay in your cousin's filthy roach infested one bedroom apartment? Then stay at the Best Western Cerveza Heights, near Meadows Park. The rooms are so reasonably priced that money dropped by the prostitute you robbed should cover a single night. Their beds are comfortable, and will cancel even a six star wanted level. Sprunk and pißwasser vending machines are in the lobby whenever you need a quick recharge during a mission.  And the television in your room is free, allowing you to watch your favorite shows, such as Republican Space Rangers. Also a great location for a massacre/police battle whenever you get bored.

Just when you thought there was nothing out here but water, muck and alligators, you drive up to the only structure in the area. Once Billy Bob's Airboat Tours & Bait Shop, the concession was purchased in the 1970s by the Best Western corporation, fixed up a bit, and converted into an Inn. While lacking in amenities, service, decor or air conditioning, it is one of the few alternatives to spending the night outside with the snakes and swamp critters. But there is an upside. Best Western has maintained the airboat concessions and gives free tours for all their guests. In fact, it is solely  the free airboat tours which earned this inn the #25 spot on this list.





After driving endlessly for miles on the New Jersey Turnpike and still nowhere near New York City, the highway comes to a complete halt.  The traffic jam lasts for what seems like hours as you inch along less than a quarter mile.You decide to get off at the next exit while you are still near an off ramp. Exit 7a offers the usual. A gas station, a diner, a convenience store,  a Best Western hotel, and what appears to be nothing else in any direction. It is still another 70 miles just to reach the Lincoln tunnel, after which you would be bogged down in Manhattan traffic for another hour before reaching your destination.  On a good day, those 70 miles would still be another hour. In this traffic? Probably a few months. So you fill up the car with gas, walk into the convenience store and end up buying nothing, and have an unsatisfactory greasy meal at the diner which is somehow both fried and raw at the same time, and you know your body will be ejecting one way or another within the hour. You look at the turnpike and it is still a parking lot. You could try driving down another route. But that means stopping at hundreds of traffic lights, possibly getting lost, and at some point needing to get back onto the turnpike to cross the Raritan River. Or... you could spend the night at this Best Western.  So you rent a room. It has a bathroom with a sanitized toilet, which you will soon need, a bed, just in case you decide to sleep, and a television to let you see in the local news the accident that caused this traffic nightmare.  After calling your friends to say you will not be arriving until the morning, take a quick nap that turns into a nights sleep. You wake up at dawn, refreshed and ready to attack that turnpike. Not only is the jam gone, but you appear to be the only vehicle on the road until you reach the tunnel.





The holy celebration of Mardi Gras happens between the Epiphany  and Shrove Tuesday.  A period when Christians are to reflect on their misdeeds, and repent for their sins. The best city to celebrate Mardi Gras is New Orleans, where the holy festival is celebrated by getting drunk women to expose their tits when you toss them a string of rosary beads. The Bourbon Street Best Western was designed specifically for this custom. Their upper floor balconies are at just the right height.  High enough so you can look down into the crowd and pick your target. But low enough to get a close look at your target's tits. It has it's own fully stocked bar for when you finally get bored with the women flashing you. And as an extra bonus, has arranged for a priest to perform Ash Wednesday services in their lobby, for those of you too hung over to go to or find a church.





"Remember the Alamo!" That was the battle cry of Texan revolutionaries determined to win the region's independence from Mexico. 257 men sacrificed their lives defending the Alamo mission from the Mexican army. Thousands more joined the cause to avenge their deaths. Texans consider the Alamo as hollowed ground. It draws millions of tourists every year. And one of the things they see when they look out from it's doors, is the Best Western Alamo Inn directly across the street.  Conveniently just a few yards from the one reason you visited San Antonio. But that is not the only reason this hotel makes this list.  The Best Western Alamo Inn has it's own mini museum filled with Alamo artifacts.  There are old coins probably spent by the defenders of the Alamo at some point. A letter written by one Samuel Hastings from somewhere in the Texas region to his wife in Pennsylvania mentioning that news had reached their encampment of the slaughter at the Alamo. Another old parchment of some sort of map. A broken pottery jug said to have probably been smashed over a Mexican soldier's head when the defenders of the Alamo ran out of bullets. And kept safe behind a sealed glass case, Davy Crockett's clothes included his raccoon hat, which on closer inspection of the plaque, is actually the Davy Crockett costume from a 1903 stage production of the Battle of the Alamo.





The view from the rooms of the Best Western Grand Canyon are spectacular. Which is why so many activists protested it's construction. The inn offers their guests a pool, and a stable full of donkeys trained to bring guests who choose to ride them down a steep, narrow trail that leads to the bottom of the canyon.

The Best Western Chinatown was built in the style of some sort of Asian architecture, with interior decor described by Travel Magazine as "culturally offensive" and a Chinese staff wearing Ming Dynasty era garb. This is the Chinese culture the way the gweilo image it is, fashioned for the enjoyment of tourists.  The staff speaks entirely in proverbs, usually precede by the words "Confucius says....".  Although I am pretty sure Confucius never said: "A wise man checks out of his room before 10am, otherwise pays for a second day."





This mid Western gem boast an all you can eat potato buffet for all of it's guests, including all of your favorites.  Baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, hashbrowns, french fries, curly fries, and tater tots for the children.  There is also seven varieties of potato soup. And for beverages, something called potato milk, and vodka fermented from locally grown potatoes.  Meat? Not really. Nor does the buffet offer any vegetables other than potato.  But it is worth it just for their custom made potato chips.





You are in your room when there is a knock on the door. It is Jennifer Lopez, and for some reason she wants you to hand her your dirty laundry because she is on her way to the laundromat and doesn't have any dirty clothing of her own. "I don't sweat. I don't soil my clothes. I am incapable of producing my own B.O. I'm perfect." She says. "So if I am going to use the laundromat, I need your dirty clothes." She heads directly to your draw where you realize you have stored your used underwear for some unexplained reason.  Before you can stop her, she pulls out one dripping with brown goo. "OH MY GOD!" she screams.

You wake up realizing you are behind the wheel of a car going 75 on Interstate 80. As you get your bearings, you check to see if you were going off the road, or were about to slam into another vehicle.  Thankfully this section of I-80 is straight, and there is hardly anyone else on the road this time of the night. You are flooded with every emotion possible.  Fear of the accident that could have happened.  Relief that Jennifer Lopez didn't really discover your stash of soiled underwear.  Confusion as to why you would have soiled underwear stashed in a sock draw, even if only in a dream. And a bit of disappointment that you didn't really meet J-Lo. Also, how long were you asleep? Thirty seconds? Ten minutes? One thing you do know. You have to get off the road before you do have an accident.  You thought those three cups of coffee would be enough for that overnight drive, but it wasn't.  You see the sign for a rest stop coming up. So you go for it.

Most rest stops are just parking lots for you to sleep in your vehicle.  This one has a Best Western motel. If you are going to sleep, let it be in a soft bed and not sitting on a cold car seat. The inn is not much. Just a few rooms and no bell service.  But the desk clerk hands you a complementary bag of nuts. And you have a bed, toilet and shower for the night. So things are good.





Do you love the 80s? Then the hotel for you is the Best Western Miami, a 1930s era hotel which was retooled in the mid 80s to be like the television series Miami Vice. So basically, the decor found in that series, and a staff who wears white jackets over pastel t-shirts.  80s music plays through the lobby and dining area, but just the music that was used in that series.  So yeah, an 80s themed hotel.......by default .





Amazing this one made the LoC because I doubt any board member here has actually been a guest there. In fact, this hotel is only rumored to exist among U.F.O. enthusiasts.  It is supposedly within Area 51, an airforce base our government insists does not exist, and can not be found on any map. Supposedly this is the hotel the government keeps captured space aliens in. According to the enthusiasts, the aliens are pleased with their accommodations, find the swimming pool exemplary, and can't get enough of the hotel's all you can eat Pancake brunch every Saturday. 

You came to Memphis to visit Graceland, the home of the legend, Elvis Presley.  You passed Graceland's gates on the bus ride into town that evening, and you can't wait to visit the next morning.  You are booked at a Best Western Inn, simply because it was the cheapest option.  The bellhop asks if you are here to visit the King's shrine, or at least that was what you thought he said. So you say yes. About halfway down the hallway he stops at a door and points. You go in, but wonder why your room has a velvet rope preventing you from going past the doorway. Or why the television set in the corner looks like something from the 1950s. Or why in the middle of the room there is an easel with Martin Luther King Jr.'s portrait on it. Then suddenly you realize Oooooooh Shit. This is the motel MLK was assassinated in. This is the room where it happened, kept untouched since that horrible day. "Would you like to say a few words?" The bellhop asks. You should say no. But what are you going to tell him? That you really came to Memphis to visit the home of the fat white hillbilly who stole the music of African American singers, and became rich and world famous for it? You have to say something in honor of a far better man. But all you can think of saying is "Sorry dude." What? You can't believe you just said that. You should have thought of something profound.  This man made most of America a far better place to live. And all you can think of is "Sorry dude"? You go to your room, feeling guilty as shit at being white, and ashamed of everything whites have done to minorities, and are still doing to this day. You are still planning to visit Graceland tomorrow, but won't feel as good about it. You pull the curtains closed because maybe someone with a rifle is in the building across the parking lot. Not really likely, but you close the curtains and avoid the window anyway.





Why this?

Well, you have to go back to the mid 1970s. There was a big fad in disaster movies, mostly thanks to producer Irwin Allen. A developer thought he could capitalize on the popularity of disasters by building a hotel right on the Andreas Fault. He called it the Earthquake Hotel. It went bankrupt after a year, and the building was sold to Best Western who renamed it the San Andreas Fault Hotel.  Not really much better than any other Best Western, other than the thrill of sleeping right above the infamous fault, and the possibility of being on it when the big one finally hits. If so, a perfect view of California sinking into the Pacific Ocean ( unless you booked a room in the half of the hotel built over the Pacific Plate, then it is down to the bottom of the ocean for you.





This quaint little cottage, once owned by Jack and Janet Riley, retains all of it's charm it has had since Jack's grandfather opened it in 1886. That is because, despite being in their late 70s,  Jack and Janet still run the establishment. They had hoed their children would have taken over the family business, but those dreams came to an end during the financial crisis when their investment banker lost all their money and the bank foreclosed. Best Western bought the bed and breakfast, and allowed the old couple to stay on as paid employees. Minus the lease they ow the hotel chain for their own room and board. This is the perfect place for a holiday getaway, as you will feel like you are in a Halmark movie, with exception to the permanent depressed attitudes of the hosts. A wonderful spot for a romantic weekend with your significant other, except for the part where you hear sobbing from the Riley's room throughout the night.





The massive 96 acre Mall of America has everything, including movie theaters, amusement parks, the My Pillow Museum and an aquarium.  It also has its own inn, the Best Western.  A convenient place to stay if the only reason you are visiting Minnesota is to visit the Mall  of America ( which is most likely the case. ). About the only negative I can say about the inn, is that it is inconveniently located near the center of the mall, which means that when the mall closes for the night at 9:00pm, you can not leave the hotel until 11:00am the following day. And if for some reason you were elsewhere in Bloomington and didn't get back to the mall before closing time, then you are locked out for the night.





"Right over here is the town's Best Western hotel.  This is the lobby. Over to the left are the rooms.  The swimming pool is to the right. Clyde Stewart is the lifeguard.  Clyde once held the county record for the backstroke.  Ted Jones is the desk clerk. Ted once owned the Paramount Hotel on the other side of town. That is before the fire burned it down. Johnny, the bellhop, was also from the Paramount. Everyone in town suspects it was Johnny that started the fire, sneaking a smoke in the basement from a half smoked cigar one of the guests left behind. But good hearted Ted hired him anyway.  This is Sally Burns. She is the hotel's cook. Sally once won a blue ribbon at the state fair pie contest. This corner of the hotel is her kitchen.  Over here are the guests. Mostly out of towners. In this room is Bill Blake, a door to door brush salesman.  Bill hasn't made a single sale since arriving in town, and worries that he won't meet his quota.  But things should perk up tomorrow when he tries the block where the Gibbs live. I hear the Gibbs are in need of a new brush. The other guest is Steven Sloan, just passing through town on his way to the big city. You may notice that Bill is acting odd. That's because he ordered the pornography on pay-per-view."

It is a scorching 120° outside. There is no good reason for you to be in Death Valley during the summer peak, other than taking a jog through Death Valley was on your bucket list, along with participating in the running of the bulls in Pamplona, climbing Mount Everest, surfing the Banzai Pipeline,  base jumping from the Burj Dubai, going over Niagra Falls in a barrel, and about a dozen other extreme and dumb things. The Death Valley Challenge would have been the first on your list. But moments after leaving your hotel room, you decide "F$#k this!" You only walked across the parking lot, and you are already feeling like you are about to die. Other Death Valley visitors have less extreme plans for the day. Crack open an egg on the sidewalk and watch it cook. After a few moments of watching this, the heat outweighs the novelty, and they retreat to their rooms. You decide to return to your own room. There is a reason why Death Valley is called Death Valley, a name given to the area by pioneers to warn others to avoid it. Yet every year tens of thousands of tourists make the mistake of wanting to visit the hottest point on the North American continent.  And once there, the Best Western Death Valley Motel becomes the only place they want to stay. Ample ac keeps the indoor temperature to the 70s day and night, with two backup ac units and a generator should there be a blackout.  You will spend your entire stay in your room, staring out the window and realizing that coming here was stupid.





About this time of year, Panama City Beach becomes party town for millions of college students. If you plan to waste the fortune you spent getting into college by killing off half of your brain cells with excessive drinking, then there is no better place to stay than at the Best Western Panama City Beach. This Best Western  hosts a non-stop beach party from February 27th through April 10th, thanks to a cross sponsorships with Dos Equis, Gorilla Pure Energy Drink, PlayStation 5, Planet Fitness and Jenga starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson  and Jessica Alba, coming to theaters this summer. That's 24/7 of music performers and guest DJs on their beach stage, interrupted by the occasional wet t-shirt pageant. They have a liquor license, a fully stocked poolside bar, and their famous "endless keg". You could throw your own private party as each room is provided a full stereo system with streaming, CD players and turntables for vinyl. Don't worry about leaving any mess. For the spring break months the hotel has in staff 20  Maxim quality bikini wearing maids who they call "The Clean-up Babes", who are not just good looking, but fully capable of cleaning up trash, ground in pizzas, beer puddles, vomit, clogged toilets, fecal matter that failed to make it into the toilet, used condoms, or any other horrible mess the party may leave behind. They do not mind if you watch them work, will laugh at any of your jokes, and have hangover remedies on hand if you need them. The Best Western Panama City Beach wants you to.think of them as the official spring break party hotel. But be warned. After April 15th they revert back to a normal Best Western hotel, and if you try any shit they will have you thrown out.





This vast system of caves attracts about a half million tourist a year. So why not have a hotel? An entire section of caverns was converted into a Best Western. Sure, it may be damp and cold. Sure ground water is always dripping from the ceiling.  Sure this cave is full of unique insects that will crawl over your face as try to sleep. But your sleeping in a freaking cave! How cool is that?





Actually, there is nothing special about this hotel. Same standard architecture as any random Best Western.  No special amenities.  NO POOL. No buffets. Just a small room. One bed. One lamp table and lamp. A wooden chair but no desk. One bathroom with toilet and sink but no shower nor tub. Not really memorable at all. Until you hear the melody coming from a guitar in the room to your right, another melody from a banjo in another room, and from the room to your left the muffled singing voice of a girl who sounds like an angel. Millions of hopeful musicians, singers and song writers come to Nashville every year to be discovered by the recording industry. Many of them can only afford something like The Best Western. The other hotels in town are a bit too pricey for someone who has just arrived in town by bus. So they all end up here, and the hotel comes alive with music. Their day of knocking on doors may have been fruitless, but that does not stop them all from holding a hootenanny every evening in the lobby. Sure Best Western contributes nothing but the cheap rooms. But the music is wonderful.  The truth is that you will never hear of your fellow guests again. Whether tallented or not, none of them have a snowballs chance in hell of having a successfull career in the music industry without the proper management. And a good manager would have never put his tallent up in this hotel. But for this one night, the music fueld by high hopes and dreams sounds better than anything found on the radio.





Once known as the upscale Gotham Grand Hotel on Park Row, it went into decline after the murders of socialites Thomas and Martha Wayne in it's side alley, resulting in it being dubbed Crime Alley by the press. In its worst days the hotel fronted for Carmine Falcone's criminal operations. Confiscated by the city, the dilapidated building was sold to Best Western who fixed it up and returned it to being a functional hotel. This Best Western offers safety, no matter what the hell is going on in the streets outside at night. With it's thick masonry and window bars on the first two floors, and former GCPD officers working security, this hotel is very seldom invaded and terrorized by costumed criminals, making it the safest building in Gotham City.

The thrills and excitement of America's entertainment industry can be yours, at the Hollywood Best Western. Located in the middle of the action.... well, actually in the nearby town of Culver City.... you can walk in the footsteps of the stars.... that is, if any of them didn't have a limo at their disposal and needed to walk down Jefferson Boulevard for some reason.  The lobby is full of pictures of Hollywood's greatest movie stars.... although it is doubtful any ever actually set foot in the building. Book yourself in the Humphrey Bogart Suite, and spend the night in a room the great actor once slept in..... or could have slept in if he didn't own a mansion in Beverly Hills, somehow could not afford a better hotel, and hadn't died 25 years before this hotel was built. Spend the day lounging at the hotel's pool, where maybe some famous  director, studio head, or top entertainment agent will spot you and offer you a contract.... which is not really a possibility as they already have the head shots of thousands of tallented actors trying to break into the business, and would have no reason to even visit that pool.





You will feel like a high roller with the luxurious accommodations and amenities of the Best Western Plus Casiono Royal. You will live like a king during your stay, which takes away much of the sting of realizing you have just blown your entire stash of spending money, your life savings, and the deed to your home in the hotel's ground floor casino. You are now penniless and you haven't  even left the hotel. You had planned a full week. Hit all the big shows like Pen & Teller, Cirque du Soleil, and that winner of America's Got Tallent with the puppets. And gamble at the Bellagio, Circus Circus, Caesars Palace, The Luxor, MGM Grand, and that casino on Freemont Street with the waving neon cowboy. But you have only just arrived in town, and have lost all your money at the Best Western within ten minutes of checking in.  No worries.  While most Vegas hotels would usher you to the gutter the moment their casino has drained you of your last dollar, the good people at the Best Western Plus Casino Royale will comp you for your room and room service for the days you had booked. They will even allow you a free long distance phone call, so you may tell your wife the bad news. It's the least they can do.





Looking for that perfect place for a romantic getaway? Then look no further than Best Western's Summit Inn, just a stones throw away from Niagra Falls. This area has been the prime destination for honeymooners for the past 200 years.  And the Best Western Summit Inn goes out of their way to be the perfect honeymoon hotel. Which is why it is the perfect place to bring the woman you are cheating on your wife with. Just sign the register as Mr. and Mrs. and the room is yours. Enjoy the heart shaped hot tub built for two. Order champagne, whip cream and cherries from room service. Then dim the lights  have sex in a waterbed covered in rose peddles. After which, make a long distance phone call to the wife to tell her how much you miss her,  and that your business trip may last another day. The Summit Inn is such a romantic spot, that the woman you are with will be begging you to ask your wife for a divorce.





This was the third installment of Sergio Leone's Dollars Trilogy with Clint Eastwood playing essentially the same character in each, a drifter gunfighter with no name. The Dollar Trilogy was part of the genre  known as Spaghetti Western, the Westerns filmed by Italian film studios which began to gain notoriety in America when American actors began getting cast in lead roles, usually during slow periods in their careers, and mostly for the paycheck. Clint Eastwood had not risen past bit parts and occasional supporting characters in his film career, so accepted the role of the nameless drifter for Leone's A Fist Full of Dollars ( 1964 ), essentially a cheap remake of Akira Kurosawa's Yojimbo ( 1961 ) which resulted in Toho Studios suing Leone for making an unauthorized remake.  Aside from the lawsuit, which ended with Toho getting  15% of the film's worldwide gross, it became the most successful Italian production of all time, resulting in Leone and Eastwood collaborating for two more films. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly was considered the best of the trilogy.   Eastwood began being offered starring roles in Hollywood films, so made no more Spaghetti Westerns. Leone continued making Western's with the American co-production with Paramount pictures and Euro International Films Once Upon a Time in the West ( 1968 ), and another co-production with an American studio Duck, You Sucker! ( 1971 )which Leone was only supposed to produce, but ended up directing at the last minute. Paramount had acquired the rights to the novel The Godfather and had asked Leone to direct it. Leone was interested in directing an American gangster film, but was not happy with the plot of the novel, so opted to adapt another gangster novel called The Hoods . This film, eventually released as Once Upon a Time in America ( 1984 ), took Leone over a decade to secure the financing and produce. Eastwood's future of leading man in Hollywood films was in doubt as the popularity of Westerns began to wane in the 70s, but revigorated his career in the Crime genre as the star of Dirty Harry and it's four sequels.





This hotel takes their name a little too seriously. Best Western  franchised their hotels to Japan with the idea that American business travelers would want to stay in familiar lodgings. However, once trough the doors of the Tokyo Best Western, you find something too familiar, as the entire hotel is Western themed. The staff is mostly dressed up as cowboys, complete with hats and tassels, with a few others dressed in various frontier costumes.  There are potted cactuses in the lobby, and painted desert scenery on the walls. At the check in desk, the clerk greets you with a "Howdy Partner!", and then speaks only  in a fake western accent quoting Western slang. Instead of a bellhop, there is a man dressed in a grizzled old prospector's costume complete with fake beard and mustache, who ties your bags to the back of a real live mule! The walls of your room are made to look like the walls of a log cabin.  You have an old fashioned brass bed, and for some reason, a hitching post dead center of your room with a saddle sitting on it.  You immediately notice there is no bathroom, and looking to call the front desk to complain, discover your room has a telegraph instead of a phone. Not having any idea how to use it, you return to the lobby to ask about a bathroom, you are directed out the back door, where in the courtyard there is a single wooden shed with a crescent moon cut into the door. Fortunately this outhouse has modern day plumbing, but is way too inconvenient. Too late to change lodgings for the night, you ask about getting a television into your room, and perhaps a mini bar. You are instead directed through some swinging doors  to the hotel's saloon, where the only entertainment in this building is a guy on an upright piano playing the sort of honky-tonk music they played in old Hollywood Westerns.  You decide to order Saki, but the bartender tells you all he has is whisky, and something in a jug labeled XX that he calls rot-gut. Not wanting to dare find out what the Japanese version of rot-gut is, you order a whisky. And get a full mug of it, then watch as the bartender slides it along the bar and right past you as you were unprepared for him to do that, helplessly watching as it goes off the end of the bar and smashes on the floor. Suddenly the music stops as someone in a black cowboy costume and wearing a bandana over their mouth kicks the swinging doors open, and while pointing a toy gun yells out "Stick em up! This is a hold-up!" Another staff member in an all white cowboy costume gets up, shows hm a badge, and says "Oh no you don't! I am the sheriff!" Suddenly all the staff members peppered throughout the saloon, including the bartender, break out into a room wide staged fistfight, complete with breakable bottles and breakable chairs they hit each other with. The piano player breaking out into the tune Camp Town Races for the entire spectacle, while your fellow American guests watch with confusion.  The fight stops with the sheriff tossing a lasso over the holdup-man and saying "You are going to hang for this, Black Bart!" Suddenly they all line up and begin bowing to the saloon patrons, getting a confused sounding applause from some. You decide to hit the hay ( literally, as that is what your mattress is filled with ) as you are going to get up bright and early tomorrow to look for another hotel.

Sir, you have won the forums- nay, the whole internet- this day.  :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

That was amazing!  ;D

This is glorious! I gotta check out these Best Westerns, especially this Tokyo one! :D

Abso-fuckin'-lutely the funniest thing I have read in YEARS!  ;D

Thank you for the effort you put into these.   :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: