I learned that Mrs. Claus is kinda hot.... For a woman old enough to be my mother.
That a guy can "look like Santa Claus" enough to elicit sly "this is Santa Claus" jokes from a group of strangers when the guy looks nothing at all like the classic depictions of Santa.
A group of people who rode in a (an airport shuttle van?) together for some length of time can not know a thing about one another, including their names, and be total comfortable shrugging off their mysteriously corrupted lodging plans to just stay in a house with some weird old man and his weird wife. Oh, and one member of your group apparently has to sleep on the couch.
A rich man (whether or not you want this to be "Santa" or the actual owner of the house used as a filming location) in 2015 still owned a tubed TV. (Seen in one of the bedrooms.)
That Mrs. Claus considers a home without WiFi capabilities and a tubed-television in one of the rooms to be on par with the best of hotels.
I learned that "people of action" is a euphemism for "jerks". Also, I'm pretty sure that one woman was on Quaaludes.
In a movie that's only about 70 minutes long, you can still have the longest croquet game ever put to film and a bunch of establishing shots of a beach we never even go to.
This movie managed to invent the worst scene transitions of all time.
I learned that you can have a movie with at least three... well, reasonably well-known martial arts stars in it and never have them so much as kickbox a single thing.
I learned that Santa does not have WiFi, but does all his work on a computer nevertheless.
I learned that a great game you can play is "give a present to a random stranger you barely know the name of with no preparation at all".
I learned you can build a prototype for a high tech weather drone using toothpicks, aluminum foil, and baking powder, following a blueprint for an imaginary flying saucer toy that you dreamed up while you were a child.
I learned that it is really disconcerting to use all kinds of random junk in your set design and never have any of the characters even remark on that: "That tree stump with the rubber boots on - does it have any special meaning to you...?" "I see you are displaying a wooden plane propeller next to your entrance door. May I ask why?"
I learned that while "Pops" has none of the classic "Santa Claus" attributes (red clothing, long white beard, those stupid rectangular-framed reading glasses) except for a completely unnatural laugh, and displaying no supernatural powers, he is apparently that much of a spitting image that grown men feel the need to ask him if he is, in fact, Santa.
I learned that Cynthia Rothrock is scary legit.
I learned that... this movie actually wasn't too bad.
I learned that the house from the movie is for sale...
https://www.redfin.com/CA/Malibu/1807-Latigo-Canyon-Rd-90265/home/6856085 (https://www.redfin.com/CA/Malibu/1807-Latigo-Canyon-Rd-90265/home/6856085)
I learned that Fog is EVERYWHERE!!!!
I learned that the number of cookies in Mrs. Claus' tray and the amount of drink in the glasses vary out of sequence. I'm sure that there weren't very many takes for each scene in the movie.
Takes? Plural?
I was really hoping for a scene where Cynthia Rothrock kicks somebody's ass. I learned that you can't expect that anymore I guess.
I learned when you take the martial arts from martial arts movie stars... there ain't a while lotta acting in them. They couldn't even double as a terrible rock band like some other people from Miami that were Connected.
I agree with the previous poster that Kathy Long was evidentily paid in quaaludes, just like Eric Roberts was in a Talking Cat. Seriously, they both sound just as out of it.
I learned when your terrible film, shot at the same location as your last terrible film, lacks the same over the top ridiculous elements as your Talking Cat !?!, it doesn't make for quite as good riff fodder.
I learned catering is a big thing in DeCoteau films. And he can do a movie with no boy-friendly scenes.
I learned Chris Lemmon is not the worst actor cashing in on his father's fame.
I learned Kathy Long who has starred opposite both Kris Kristofferson and Lance Henriksen, as well as porn star Ginger Lynn Allen, was a commentator at the first UFC.
Actually I knew all that beforehand. I used to rent a lot of VHS tapes when I had nothing better to do.
I learned Gary Daniels once fought Jackie Chan while he was dressed as Ken from Street Fighter... and Jackie was dressed as Chun Li.
I knew that beforehand, too.
I learned there were nowhere near as many Futurewar jokes as there should have been.