Your Horoscope For Today

[daltysmilth]

Whether you're a fan of the Onion's Horoscopes (which, in my opinion, aren't as good as they used to be) or Weird Al's song with the same title as this thread, (coincidence?  I think not!), I'm sure you all have an appreciation for funny fake horoscopes.  And if you don't, well, there's no one forcing you to read or post in this thread.  I hope not, at least.  If there is, I apologize for my insensitivity.

Anywho, the object is to write a humorous horoscope for the next person and the next person writes one for the person after them and so on and soforth.  To make it simpler, you don't actually have to be the astrological sign that the previous poster used, just as long as you've got an idea for a horoscope.  (For a handy reference to the Western Astrological signs, go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astrological_signs#Western_zodiac_signs  Okay, I'll start:


Aquarius


The point of the old saying isn't that you shouldn't attribute your own faults to other people.  It's that a talking pot and kettle would be cool.

[Junkyard]

Actually, Weird Al thanked "The Onion" in the CD booklet of "Running With Scissors," so I'm guessing you're right.

Pisces-
(February 19 - March 20)

The Stars think maybe you'll come into some money this week or something, but they're just giant balls of gas undergoing nuclear fusion impossibly far from where you live. What do you want from them?!

[daltysmilth]

Aries


Emphasize finances.  Give Dave back that twenty bucks you owe him, for cryin' out loud.  It's not going to break the bank, for God's sake!

[ebeth]

Gemini (May 31-June 20)

You won't be enjoying a "fresh feeling" much longer due to the burrito you ate at lunch.

[anais.jude]

BTA's birthday is coming up so

Cancer: June 21st-July22nd
Failure is not an option, except for you. We suggest you choose not to fail, but God gave you free will for some reason.

[Junkyard]

Leo: (July 23 - August 21)

Duck! Oh, shit, nevermind.

[BBQ Platypus]

Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will read this horoscope and find it to be extraordinarily unhelpful.

Tonight: Go to sleep at some point.  Remember to wake up tomorrow or you'll be late for work.

[a pretty girl is like]

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Have you heard?  It's in the stars.  Next July we collide with Mars.

[Junkyard]

Gemini-

You and every other person on the planet born in the month of June will meet up with old friends, and experience financial setbacks. You call it ridiculous now, but when the stock market crashes, who'll be laughing then, bitch?

[FLOCK of RABID SHEEP?!?!]

 pisces - (feb 19-mar 21)

beware of squirrels, stay away from them...no we can't tell you anything more...just beware them, damnit!

[daltysmilth]

Cancer
You'll gladly pay the parking fine, but you won't be completely convinced when you're told it's customary to tip the bailiff.

[Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck]

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - Light Blooming Ground Flower and get away with loud report.

[daltysmilth]

Taurus

We know you're just a big fan of Lerner & Lowe, and you don't mean anything by it, but you really must understand that it creeps everyone out when you sing "Thank Heaven For Little Girls" in the hallways.

[Sideswipe]

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - Light Blooming Ground Flower and get away with loud report.

As a Cap I feel cheated.  I want a better horoscope.  Something about me recieving lots of money and babes

[Tripe]

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - As the second man to become pregnant you will bear triplets and be paid much money for pictures of you and the wee babes.