What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews

[gammer]

Well I can bench 220 and I don't take shit from customers.

If you get this job you will be given allot of "duties". How will you manage your time so you can get to all of your "dooties"? I mean, if you don't to your "doodies", we will come down on you pretty hard...for not doing your "duites".

[daltysmilth]

I'll do anything you ask me to do as long as I'm already doing it when you ask me to do it.

Would you be willing to work overtime with no pay?

[anais.jude]

would you be willing to live with no spine?


does work place traffic disturb you?

[hare.29]

And here's one from the hiring side (for a postdoc position):
How the hell did your advisor let you out of the lab with that presentation?! No data, no conclusions, no motivation, and it was only half as long as it should be?! I've seen undergrads give better talks!
*inspired by a true story*
 

[bettertomorrowamy]

Having to hurdle Hare's post was a challenge, but I think I did well.

Do you have adequate footwear for the job?

[Raven]

I always wear steel toed boots, I don't trust your fat ass not to break my toes.

Would you like to join union or negotiate your own contract?

[Dim of the Yard]

How the hell did your advisor let you out of the lab with that presentation?! No data, no conclusions, no motivation, and it was only half as long as it should be?! I've seen undergrads give better talks!
*inspired by a true story*

Well, I'll be honest.  I was only let out of lab because my advisor got mad at me for lifting my leg on the eyewash station and refusing to go on the papers.  I only presented it today, despite the fact that it had none of... well, that stuff, because I couldn't find any squirrels to chase in the field.

And don't you dare compare this to what an undergrad can do!  To think that my 12 year old sister did all this work just to be insulted by you!  Of all the nerve!

Would you like to join union or negotiate your own contract?

I'll negotiate my own contract, whatever that means.  I heard Union was a crappy college, anyway.  Nah, I'll put together my own contract, and I insist on being paid out of trade.  (Currently applying for a job at the city morgue.)

You find a wallet on the ground with $300.00 in.  What do you do with it?

[orionpaxxx]

I'd head to the nearest strip club and get f'ed up!!

We here have a strict no smoking policy here at work. Would that be a problem?

[Dim of the Yard]

Tch.  Try asking that to the charred corpses of my co-workers.  But you can't pin anything on me!

Under what conditions do you feel you work the best?

[LBeria]

Unsupervised, overpaid, and with limitless comp time....that's what you have, right?

This position will require you to travel to areas with austere and possibly hazardous living conditions for up to 90-days at a time with only 24-hours notice.  Is that a problem?

(That question is actually part of my job description!)

[anais.jude]

I get to go to Disneyland! Cool!



do you have problems coming to work on time

[orionpaxxx]

I've never timed it. Let me whip it out and we can see.

Do you have reliable tranportation to and from work?

[daltysmilth]

Of course.  You do have a helipad where I can park my chopper, don't you?

How did you hear about us?

[LBeria]

I didn't.  I was walking past and thought to myself, "Boy, this place sure needs someone who knows what the hell they're doing!"

If we asked you to present a report to the board of directors regarding our budget shortfalls today, what is the first thing you would do?

[Fortis]

Clean house...

If this company were a family, would you consider yourself the father, or the little brother?