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Author Topic: The Monkey's Paw  (Read 38525 times)

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Offline Junkyard

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #30 on: December 09, 2007, 12:03:50 PM »
Taking off inexplicably shatters all of your bones. The only positive side is that landing heals you. Have fun!

I wish I had a Green Lantern power ring and battery.


Offline BBQ Platypus

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #31 on: December 09, 2007, 12:18:13 PM »
Granted.  Unfortunately, the non-rechargable Duracell AAA battery that you are given is completely inadequate (not to mention incompatible with the ring).  As soon as you run out of power, you're screwed, with no magical, infinite energy source to save you.


I wish I understood the "rules" by which humans operate.
« Last Edit: May 28, 2013, 11:10:37 PM by BBQ Platypus »
Correction: the coat hanger should be upside down.


Offline Junkyard

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #32 on: December 09, 2007, 12:27:44 PM »
Granted. Unfortunately, not knowing why people act like they do is all that keeps us from seeing each other as machines. You are now basically the lonliest man on Earth.

I wish I had some non- poisionous, tasty potato salad on a normal paper plate, and a normal plastic fork, all produced by magic, and not by taking it from someone else.


Offline Junkyard

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #33 on: December 09, 2007, 01:08:50 PM »
Of for- NOW what are we going to do for fun?!

I wish I had the ability to jump in and out of alternate dimensions at will, and survive any differences in atmosphere or physical laws that are present in them.


Offline Dim of the Yard

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #34 on: December 09, 2007, 02:10:40 PM »
Granted.  Just keep an eye open for the rather large monsters that might potentially step on--*SQUISH*

... Never mind.

I wish that I could manage at least one hour a day of pleasure reading, on top of all of the hours of work that I'm doing.


Offline Junkyard

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #35 on: December 09, 2007, 02:19:38 PM »
Okay. You CAN manage it, but you WON'T.

Sigh... okay, let's do this:
I wish that I had an unbreakable, portable, comfortable, and flat object around the size of my hand that will play any movie or show, and display any book or literature that I want, when I want to play/display it, and allow me to pause and start, entirely by the force of my will; myself staying intact and undisplaced, both in mind and body, from wherever I choose to be or otherwise, and without anybody wanting to steal it from me/kill me for it.


Offline BBQ Platypus

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #36 on: December 09, 2007, 04:09:49 PM »
Granted, but it will play it in such a way that YOU can't see it (it will always be on the BOTTOM side, no matter how many times you turn it over).

I wish I had a sweet-ass tank to drive to work in.
Correction: the coat hanger should be upside down.


Offline Junkyard

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #37 on: December 09, 2007, 04:12:55 PM »
Granted. Course' now the army is going to be on you like teenage girls on a fad.

I wish this wish won't go wrong.


Offline BBQ Platypus

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #38 on: December 09, 2007, 04:20:58 PM »
Granted, but you really didn't wish for anything, so the paw will assume you had something terrible in mind - something resulting in your death (meaning that it went perfectly right).

I wish for a normal, uninteresting, yet completely full, happy and satisfying life - with a happy marriage and equally content, well-adjusted, non-deformed children - financial stability, and death at the age of 90 or 100 or so of an average, boring, non-painful cause, with my wife dying at the exact same time of the exact same non-painful thing so as not to cause a miserable last few months of existence.
Correction: the coat hanger should be upside down.


Offline Junkyard

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #39 on: December 09, 2007, 04:45:12 PM »
Fair enough.



......



Your kids are, however, going to be eaten by Velociraptors.


I wish I was well respected by all of humanity, and paid the same respect as I always have by animals, plants, and all other forms of life.


Offline BBQ Platypus

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #40 on: December 09, 2007, 04:52:10 PM »
Granted, but the robots will resent you.

I wish today's pop culture didn't suck so bad.
Correction: the coat hanger should be upside down.


Offline Junkyard

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #41 on: December 09, 2007, 04:58:42 PM »
Okay, but now all of yesterday's music sucks. So long, Motzart!


I wish America was all we claimed it to be.


Offline BBQ Platypus

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #42 on: December 09, 2007, 05:14:23 PM »
Granted.  America is now a fascist theocracy where freedom of speech is regularly suppressed by the religious right.

I wish everyone on the internet knew how to spell correctly (with MY spelling abilities, and the English language itself, remaining the same).
Correction: the coat hanger should be upside down.


Offline Junkyard

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #43 on: December 09, 2007, 05:16:59 PM »
It turns out that by adding that extra bit of intelligence to the internet, it becomes self aware and and goes all Cyberdyne on our asses.

I wish I could come up with a funny, entirely original knock knock joke.


Offline BBQ Platypus

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Re: The Monkey's Paw
« Reply #44 on: December 09, 2007, 05:19:01 PM »
Granted, but it turns out to be so funny that anyone who hears it dies of laughter.

I wish someone would invent a better drinking straw.
Correction: the coat hanger should be upside down.