What was the last movie you watched?

[Russoguru]

Robo Vampire - Believe it or not, I also found this one on Amazon Prime's streaming service. My God, this movie is a beautiful disaster. I think my feelings can be summed up with one question… What the fuck just happened? On one hand, you've got a horribly, cheesily made Robocop ripoff(which I'm admitting is rather generous terminology here). This thing is I would dare say on par with something like ROTOR. Hell it's even got a similar premise, at least as far as a Robocop ripoff goes. There’s even one element that to me is reminiscent of Nicholas Cage's Wicker man. There is a Zombie wearing a Gorilla mask. I am dead fucking serious. The zombies, in order to look menacing stretch their arms forward and hop around in a circle while wearing oriental religious garb. That's the best way I can describe it because I know next to jack.shit about eastern religions. Also, the movie like a lot of other Rifftrax/MST3K movies doesn’t deliver on its title. I don’t recall seeing one Robo Vampire in this goddamn movie, there’s not even vampires in this film, just zombie-like creatures that don’t drink blood.

The Robocop ripoff outfit is... absolutely godawful(I'll call him Robocrap from here on), and that's still being way too fucking nice to Miss Terwilliger's third grade class who put the costume together with the cheapest materials imaginable, probably with somebody’s discarded window shades. There is a scene where Robocrap is blown the hell up with a rocket launcher. Three seconds later, Robocraps on an operating table under a blanket and doctor(?) guy (using a magnifying glass of all fucking things)says... "I’m afraid he short circuited". Really? Because when he was blown the fuck up I was under the impression that he was.... you know... BLOWN THE FUCK UP!!!! If that gem wasn’t baffling enough, another guy in the room has the balls to say “Not that serious”. About 30 seconds later(in movie time) he is completely and 100% whole again. Near the end of the movie Robocrap is pursuing Zombie Gorillaface and shoots him in the back about 35 times until Zombie Gorillaface decides to suddenly teleport  away(Did I mention this movie makes extensive and random use of teleporting?). During the film I also noticed I was asking myself variations of the question “Where did that/it/he/they come from?!”.

Then there's one scene that... seems very out of place. A guy comes upon a woman swimming in a lake in the woods and within about 10 seconds the woman goes from covering herself and saying the guy has no manners to then oddly acting like he is her boyfriend all of a sudden. I think this is how a lot of Hollywood producers see themselves. I would say that the scene is there just for gratuitous T and A but there's not any of that in the scene. But if you’re looking for gratuitous T and A you won’t go home empty handed, a woman appears in a very, VERY sheer… negligee(?) in a few scenes, and she’s even topless near the end. By the way there is a plot point that has absolutely no fucking payoff whatsoever later, but she’s in love with Zombie Gorillaface by the way.  The movie has some very questionable editing and not the greatest continuity as well as huge logical inconsistencies. I'm pretty sure the editing was done by somebody's pet goldfish... that died several months before the end of the movie's production. The sheer lack of competence in this movie serves to make it a juicy buffet of hysterical delights.

Apparently the film production company responsible for this thing never got my memos. If you want to make a female secret agent talk, you use tickle torture, not water torture. Remember, go for the armpits, not the feet, the feet are so cliché anyway, not to mention disgusting. This movie also has a very ambiguous ending. See it’s established in the film that Zombie Gorillaface and his Zombie cohorts are pretty much immune to bullets, and guess what Robocrap is armed with! Then all of a sudden Robocrap has a flamethrower, a guy dies, then the movie unceremoniously ends. I don’t really know what the hell the intent of the makers of Robo Vampire was. If it was to tell a dramatic, compelling story then, well, better luck next time. On the other hand, if they set out to make everybody in the audience laugh their collective asses off I would dare say mission accomplished.

Oh just one more thing... did I mention this movie was directed by Godfrey Ho?

[Darth Geek]

What you refer to as zombies (because they look and mostly act like zombies) are Chinese hopping vampires called Jiangshi. And until Stephanie Meyer came along, they were the stupidest thing in vampire lore.

[stansimpson]

until Stephanie Meyer came along, they were the stupidest thing in vampire lore.

Got a genuine laugh out of me.

An actual lol, if you will.

[Russoguru]

Sophie Scholl The final days - This one is in German or French with English subtitles(I was never good with foreign languages). I literally know dick about the history of World War 2. All I can tell you is that... we beat the Nazis and that's as far as my knowledge takes me. Oh yeah, there was also something about a French Resistance of some sort? That's what this movie is... well, kind of about anyway. This movie prides itself on historical accuracy, so apparently there was this movement within the French Resistance to try to open people's eyes to the atrocities being committed by the Nazis, it was called The White Rose.

The movie begins with some people typing up hundreds and hundreds of anti-Hitler leaflets in an effort to distribute them. A man and his sister go to a university to distribute pamphlets all over the place. Unfortunately since this is apparently their first time doing this they get caught... by the janitor. You know, I don't like being critical of films that depict the horrors of the third reich, but in this case I really really feel like I have to voice my opinion on this no matter how disgusted I may be with myself.

This movie moves really slow... really, really damn slow, then at the end it suddenly flies at warp speed. The bulk of this movie takes place with a Nazi officer interrogating Sophie Scholl. Then its back to her cell... back to being interrogated, rinse and repeat. Finally we get to the trial which if you know anything about the Nazis at all is bound to be little more than a show trial meant to make an example out of Sophie Scholl for distributing anti-Hitler pamphlets.

Obviously, she is found guilty and sentenced to death. Her execution takes place about two minutes later(and I don't mean in movie time). I'm asking myself okay, how is she going to die? Hanging? Firing squad? Electric chair? Gas chamber? No... she gets the Marie Antoinette treatment. Even in the state of Texas I'm pretty sure that same-day executions have never been a thing! I guess that's something you can say for the Nazi war machine... those fuckers were pretty good at exacting their own perverse brand of justice. That is NOT to be taken as admiration in any way, shape or form.

So, you know I can't be too hard on this movie or it'll make me look like an asshole. It's not a bad movie by any stretch of the imagination, it's just kind of boring and there have been better movies made that are always ready to remind us the Nazis were living pieces of dog shit. I guess the one thing I should say is that people like Sophie Scholl are true heroes and should be remembered in the highest regard.

[Edward J Grug III]

See if you can find The Train, which is an incredible fun action movie about a small group from the French Resistance. It's very entertaining.

[stansimpson]

I literally know dick about the history of World War 2. All I can tell you is that... we beat the Nazis and that's as far as my knowledge takes me.

You should look up about the 2 really big bombs that the US dropped on Japan.

[Russoguru]

Men in Black: International - Okay... the chemistry between Chris Hemmesworth and Tessa Thompson is good. That being said though, it doesn't work if all the factors that made said chemistry work so well in Thor: Ragnarok are absent. Men in black international is about as "meh" as you can get. It's not horrible, it's just not good. Unlike Godzilla king of monsters or even Dark phoenix I wouldn't recommend this movie in a million years. I felt very detached from everything that was going on, though not quite all the way to boredom if that makes sense. I recommend waiting to rent it. Go see Shaft or The Dead don't die instead.

[Johnny Unusual]

Rocketman

Aside from some moments of cool visuals, this is a pretty generic biopic.  Frankly, with the film being produced by Elton John, you think that might weaken the film but I feel the film has its own weaknesses.  I mean, while it glorifies John, it spends a lot of time with his faults.  Like a lot.  Like, too much to enjoy.  Basically, it's the classic "guy becomes famous, does a lot of drugs, luckily gets better" stories and it is largely a slog.  The actors do what they can but it really adds little to the biopic genre.  Frankly, I was a little hopeful since it being a full on musical (sort of) might mean that the pretense of it representing reality is completely gone and it might be more the "feeling" of the thing (sort of like The Muppet Movie and The Muppets Take Manhattan) but it doesn't feel bold enough to be honest about its unreality and also doesn't do a good job of either blending them together well or making them two different worlds Elton oscillates between.  But its unfair to judge a movie on what it could be.  But I really do wish it went further with some of it's stuff  As it is, this is a movie that will probably get an editing/costume nod at the Oscars, then get forgotten like a lot of biopics.  The best I can say about it is that it makes me happy that Elton is doing well now, as having to watch him do not so well for much of the run time was not fun, no matter how many poppy songs are inserted into it.

[Russoguru]

Rifftrax: The Last Shark - When the credits for this thing popped up I was like "Vic Morrow? Seriously?" Well, at least it's not the worst movie for him to accept being in, which would be Twilight Zone the movie if you know what I mean. Sorry, that's probably a little tasteless. Anyway, I can say with at least some amount of certainty that for whatever The Last Shark lacks in creativity it makes up for by at least being slightly more technically proficient than other Jaws rip-offs like Devil Fish. Still though, if you want a good shark movie... just go see Jaws, or even Jaws 2! If you want a ridiculous shark movie, see Sharknado. If you want a super-gory shark movie with ridiculous amounts of T and A that doesn't exactly feature sharks, see the 2010 version of Piranha. The Rifftrax was hilarious as usual.

Street Trash - I learned about this absolutely bizarre b-movie some time last year. I'm just going to say this right now... if you want to watch this thing you are probably going to need a strong stomach. There's some things that happen in this movie that might make the viewer very uncomfortable. The movie is for lack of words... kind of gross. The plot centers around a liquor store that sells cheap liquor to bums and it makes them melt. I had no idea what the hell was going on for pretty much the entire run time and I was even more puzzled when all of a sudden a guy's dick gets cut off and is being thrown around... I'm serious. But for whatever issues I might have in the way of good taste, art is very subjective. I feel like my grading it would be unduly influenced by some kind of negative bias I possess. So honestly I have to say this is just something somebody would have to see for themselves. Just remember, if you are the easily offended kind, you might want to avoid this movie altogether.

It follows Those of you know me know I am not a big fan of horror films. I prefer horror movies when they aren't weighed down by buckets of blood and oodles of gore. It follows is a strange film that actually kind of follows through on that. There's not a lot of blood, and the gore is pretty minimal, for an R-rated movie anyway. The film's main character is Jay Height, who one night loses her virginity to a guy. Then he knocks her out then ties her up. Ummm, excuse me, I thought the tying up part came before the sex, not after. Being her knight in shining armor, he warns her that something will be coming for her. Jay spends the rest of the film hiding from "It"... no, that the clown, the other "It". So it's lucky Jay has some cool friends to keep an eye on her and watch old movies with her. The obvious implication of the film is that "It" is likened to an STD, there's no running from it, and it could kill you. The only problem I had with the movie is honestly, I felt like the ending was not a true resolution. I know a lot of horror movies are like that, Friday the 13th series, Nightmare on Elm St, etc. In spite of that, I think it's still a pretty solid horror flick and I'd definitely recommend it.

[stansimpson]

It Follows was pretty good. My only problem with it is the rules get a little muddled when it comes to the shed scene. I still recommend it to anyone too. I'm not a fan of horror either, especially not the gore stuff. I go more for the unsettling slow-boil kind. I found The VVitch and Hereditary to be phenomenal and the best horror movies in years. Thank you, A24!

[Johnny Unusual]

The only problem I had with the movie is honestly, I felt like the ending was not a true resolution. I know a lot of horror movies are like that, Friday the 13th series, Nightmare on Elm St, etc. In spite of that, I think it's still a pretty solid horror flick and I'd definitely recommend it.

I disagree.  I feel like it is a resolution but a very different kind. 

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A monster movie doesn't have to resolve with the monster dying.  That's also the point of the Bababdook.  Some horrors will always be with us.  Death, disease, tragedy, etc.  The kind of things these monsters are a metaphor for.  The question is how we choose to live with those horrors.  For most of the movie, our hero tries to kill the monster or pawn it off on someone else.  The movie ends with the character accepting the burden of the monster... but not doing it alone.I think that makes it rather beautiful.  It's not what one would call a "happy" ending, but it's not an unhappy ending either.  It is rather hopeful that our characters can live with it together, relying on each other to stay one step ahead rather than doing what others have done and tried to selfishly pawn it off on others in the hopes that they will do the same and hope they are so far down the chain that they will be OK.

[Russoguru]

Rifftrax - The Dark Power I might have to watch this again(which honestly I find to be a dreadful prospect), because I might be crazy... but not one single goddamn thing of dramatic importance happens in this fucking movie until almost an hour in. By that time the movie's almost over because this movie clocks in at a fairly slim 81 minutes. Hell, at least in Hobgoblins they showed up before the half hour mark. Suddenly a bunch of native American zombies show up right the fuck out of nowhere and start killing people, and like I said that doesn't happen until almost an hour into this thing. The ineptitude rivals even some of the worst MST3K/Rifftrax movies. I found the most hilarious part to be at the end where this octagenarian starts fighting one of the native American zombies with whips and it looks... my God its absolutely laughable. The ONLY time I've seen two guys fighting each other with whips was in the 1980 film Flash Gordon, and unlike The Dark Power that scene was fucking awesome. Anyway, The Dark Power is another movie where you're like... did they just pick random names out of a fucking hat or something to end up with this title?

[stethacantus]

UPDATE

Just finished watching the Shadow movie serial. I'm not sure where to put these. In the television thread or movie thread as they are a little of both. Not really any reason to review a movie serial because they all followed the same strict formula to the point where, so far, every Hollywood serial I have ever seen is the same exact quality. And that includes Phantom Creeps. In other words, you seen one, you've seen them all. But I do want to point out that even the movie serial screwed up the source material. Once again the focus was on Lamont Cranston instead of the Shadow character. Most of the time it is Lamont in action, or another alter ego of his, Lee Chang the Chinese pawn broker. One episode didn't even have Lamont as his Shadow persona at all. And while at least they got the Shadow costume from the pulp magazine right, they once again failed to give him his signature power of becoming invisible. Strangely thought, they decided to make the villain of the serial, the Black Tiger, invisible. So when it came to motion pictures, only the Alec Baldwin movie got it right.


Curse of the Golden Flower ( 2006 )
So I watched director Zhang Yimou's incredible Curse of the Golden Flower again, and had the same reaction. While the first half is visually stunning, it is boring. Then you get the scene where the army of assassins attack the Doctor and his family, and suddenly it becomes an incredible action film, culminating in one of the greatest screen battles between armies ever filmed. I know the first half of the film is necessary for setting up the second half, but I wish it wasn't something I needed to fight to stay awake through.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  ( 2014 )
I was expecting a lot worse based on all the negative reviews this movie generated. But it is actually one of the good Michael Bay films. I enjoyed it much more than the 90s films, and the first one was supposed to be the gold standard for live action turtle films.

Copacabana ( 1947 )
This was the first solo film for Groucho Marx. The plot: Groucho becomes the agent for a Brazilian lounge singer ( Carmen Miranda ). Trying to get her booked at the Copacabana club, he lies to the owner about having other clients, one of which he claims is a French singer. The owner demands to see his other singer, so Groucho has Carmen dress up as her while wearing a vale. The owner falls for the ruse and books both singers. And for the rest of the film Groucho and Carmen have to keep the ruse going. Things get hairy when Groucho is accused of murdering the French singer and throwing her body in the river. It is a pleasant musical where Groucho gets to prove he could still be funny outside of his traditional painted mustach and eyebrows screen character. Although that character did make a couple of appearances, on in a meta scene where manager Groucho wants to show the owner his latest act, and while manager Groucho is sitting in the audience, Marx Brothers Groucho takes the stage to perform a number. I guess the studio wanted the scene for the trailer.

This week was Groucho's first solo film. Next week I will be watching his last solo film. I still got a few other solo films in between to complete my Marx Brothers collection.

[stansimpson]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  ( 2014 )
I was expecting a lot worse based on all the negative reviews this movie generated. But it is actually one of the good Michael Bay films.

Fun fact: This movie was directed by Jonathan Liebesman.

[Russoguru]

Rifftrax - Ice Breaker - Bruce!!! What the eff did you do with your hair man?! That's all I have to say.