Robo Vampire - Believe it or not, I also found this one on Amazon Prime's streaming service. My God, this movie is a beautiful disaster. I think my feelings can be summed up with one question… What the fuck just happened? On one hand, you've got a horribly, cheesily made Robocop ripoff(which I'm admitting is rather generous terminology here). This thing is I would dare say on par with something like ROTOR. Hell it's even got a similar premise, at least as far as a Robocop ripoff goes. There’s even one element that to me is reminiscent of Nicholas Cage's Wicker man. There is a Zombie wearing a Gorilla mask. I am dead fucking serious. The zombies, in order to look menacing stretch their arms forward and hop around in a circle while wearing oriental religious garb. That's the best way I can describe it because I know next to jack.shit about eastern religions. Also, the movie like a lot of other Rifftrax/MST3K movies doesn’t deliver on its title. I don’t recall seeing one Robo Vampire in this goddamn movie, there’s not even vampires in this film, just zombie-like creatures that don’t drink blood.
The Robocop ripoff outfit is... absolutely godawful(I'll call him Robocrap from here on), and that's still being way too fucking nice to Miss Terwilliger's third grade class who put the costume together with the cheapest materials imaginable, probably with somebody’s discarded window shades. There is a scene where Robocrap is blown the hell up with a rocket launcher. Three seconds later, Robocraps on an operating table under a blanket and doctor(?) guy (using a magnifying glass of all fucking things)says... "I’m afraid he short circuited". Really? Because when he was blown the fuck up I was under the impression that he was.... you know... BLOWN THE FUCK UP!!!! If that gem wasn’t baffling enough, another guy in the room has the balls to say “Not that serious”. About 30 seconds later(in movie time) he is completely and 100% whole again. Near the end of the movie Robocrap is pursuing Zombie Gorillaface and shoots him in the back about 35 times until Zombie Gorillaface decides to suddenly teleport away(Did I mention this movie makes extensive and random use of teleporting?). During the film I also noticed I was asking myself variations of the question “Where did that/it/he/they come from?!”.
Then there's one scene that... seems very out of place. A guy comes upon a woman swimming in a lake in the woods and within about 10 seconds the woman goes from covering herself and saying the guy has no manners to then oddly acting like he is her boyfriend all of a sudden. I think this is how a lot of Hollywood producers see themselves. I would say that the scene is there just for gratuitous T and A but there's not any of that in the scene. But if you’re looking for gratuitous T and A you won’t go home empty handed, a woman appears in a very, VERY sheer… negligee(?) in a few scenes, and she’s even topless near the end. By the way there is a plot point that has absolutely no fucking payoff whatsoever later, but she’s in love with Zombie Gorillaface by the way. The movie has some very questionable editing and not the greatest continuity as well as huge logical inconsistencies. I'm pretty sure the editing was done by somebody's pet goldfish... that died several months before the end of the movie's production. The sheer lack of competence in this movie serves to make it a juicy buffet of hysterical delights.
Apparently the film production company responsible for this thing never got my memos. If you want to make a female secret agent talk, you use tickle torture, not water torture. Remember, go for the armpits, not the feet, the feet are so cliché anyway, not to mention disgusting. This movie also has a very ambiguous ending. See it’s established in the film that Zombie Gorillaface and his Zombie cohorts are pretty much immune to bullets, and guess what Robocrap is armed with! Then all of a sudden Robocrap has a flamethrower, a guy dies, then the movie unceremoniously ends. I don’t really know what the hell the intent of the makers of Robo Vampire was. If it was to tell a dramatic, compelling story then, well, better luck next time. On the other hand, if they set out to make everybody in the audience laugh their collective asses off I would dare say mission accomplished.
Oh just one more thing... did I mention this movie was directed by Godfrey Ho?