Author Topic: A re-write  (Read 5781 times)

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A re-write
« on: September 08, 2007, 10:49:17 PM »
Star Trek: Generations

Kirk, on the bridge of the Enterprise-B tires of the idiocy of the current captain and as a result, phasers him into oblivion. Helmswoman Sulu turned in horror and took out her phaser to fire at captain kirk, but she was too late, Captain Kirk also phasered her, and she also disappeared in a greenish blur. Everyone looked up in horror at Captain Kirk, except for Scotty and Chekhov, who were totally expecting this.
Captain Kirk, pleased with himself, sits down in the Captain's chair...
Kirk: Helm... warp 10, engage.
The replacement helmsman, Lieutenant Tuvok, turned to object only to look down the barrel of Kirk's phaser
Kirk: I said... WARP 10 you Vulcan asshole.
Tuvok: Aye sir... Warp 10. Any particular heading sir?
Kirk:(Smiles evily) Take us 78 years into the future, I got a future score to settle...
Tuvok: Aye sir... Warp 10.

On the Bridge of the Enterprise-D, Captain Picard tugged his shirt down and sighed.
Picard: Data?
Data: Yes sir?
Picard: You're not thinking of having that emotion chip installed, are you?
Data: Yes sir, but I am worried that the curpindinical fluxations in the purvaskina thrusters could vandanculate the porskine taltrupoppers in my skindicular killifrox.
Picard:(Nodded off after the first word out of Data's mouth) hmmm? Oh, yes, that's nice Mister Data. Just don't do it, okay?
Data: yes sir.
(Commander Riker appears on the bridge out of the turbo lift)
Commander Riker: Sir, we are getting a verculan distress call from the Armagosa Observatory at Vachina Thirteen. They say they are under attack
PIcard: Red alert, best speed to Armagosa.
Riker:(Whispering in Picard's ear) Are you sure it was such a good idea to cancel our little novel celebration of Worf becoming lieutenant commander?
Picard: Commander, It would have been an absolute comical disaster. I do not allow circus performances on my ship.
Riker: Of course sir.
Picard: In fact, why don't you just go kill yourself right now?
Riker: But sir!
PIcard: That's an order, mister.
Riker: *Sighs*
Deanna:(Looks up in horror, and starts to cry and whimper)
Riker: (Puts phaser against his head, looks over at Deanna) Goodbye my love(Phasers his head, blood and gray matter splatter everywhere, Riker's almost headless body hits the floor)
Picard: Awww... dammit! Cleanup to bridge! hey! That's not a bad idea!(Picard goes over to Riker's corpse and proceeds to defecate and urinate on the corpse).
Picard: (Pulls up pants, cleanup crew arrives on bridge) Ahh! Cleanup, over here!
The Hispanic cleanup crew use a bunch of futuristic devices quickly and efficiently clean up the body and the bodily fluids. The crew leave the bridge.
Deanna:(after wiping her tears, she notices something strange about Picard) Sir... there is something very strange
about you.
Picard: Hmm? Oh yes counselor, I was just nervous because I want to propose to you.
Deanna: Captain?
Picard:(Gets on one knee and puts an onion ring on Deanna's finger) Will you marry me, my dear?
Deanna: Well...
PIcard:(whispers)I'm dynamite in the sack...
Deanna: Okay.
(Fifteen seconds later, Captain Picard is having sex with Deanna)

At the Amargosa Observatory...
Picard, Worf and Deanna beam over.
Picard: If anyone sees a whacky, balding old man, just shoot him, alright?
Worf: Captain?
Picard: That's on order, Mister Worf!
Worf: With pleasure, sir! (Sets phaser to "Fricasee")
A few moments pass, Worf finds a pile of stuff and gets a person out from underneath, he finds a Whacky, balding old man who calls himself Soren.
Worf: Excuse me, are you a whacky, balding old man?
Soren: Why yes! How did you know?
Worf:(Puts soren in a choke hold and snaps his neck)
Picard: Good work mister Worf!
Worf: Thank you sir... that felt good!
Picard: Kir- Errr, Picard to bridge! Three to beam out.
The Three disappear in a glimmer of light and reappear on the enterprise.

A Klingon Bird of Prey appears and fires on the Enterprise.
(On the bridge)
Picard: Ahh, must be the booby sisters
Deanna: The who, sir?
Picard: Not The Who you worthless puddle of a homeless man's urine! The booby sisters!
The Booby sisters appear on the screen
Picard: Ah, hi, all four of you.
(Lursa and B'etor cover up their chests)
Picard: I suggest a deal, why don't I beam over and negotiate?
Deanna: Captain? That could be dangerous
Picard: It'll be okay honey
(10 seconds later, Captain Picard has Lursa and B'etor in bed, having simultaneous sex with both of them)

Back on the Enterprise Bridge...
(Picard steps onto the bridge, proud and smiling)
Deanna: Are you okay captain? You seem like you just had sex with two klingon women.
PIcard: Oh no counselor, I'm fine, thank you, I'm just thinking about what to do next...

(Lursa and B'etor go off and destroy the Borg, Ad'har Ru'afo, and assassinate Praetor Shinzon, and thus, we are spared 3 more worthless next gen sequels)


Offline Junkyard

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Re: A re-write
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2007, 12:26:06 PM »
One extrememly messed up but blessedly short movie.

Offline Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck

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Re: A re-write
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2007, 12:56:54 PM »
So, what happened to Kirk?


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Re: A re-write
« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2007, 07:16:16 PM »
I think the idea was that somehow he ended up in Picard's body... lol.

Offline Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck

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Re: A re-write
« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2007, 07:27:23 PM »
I think the idea was that somehow he ended up in Picard's body... lol.



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Re: A re-write
« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2007, 10:34:22 AM »
Hey! Haven't you ever heard of complex out of body astral projection?