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Author Topic: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds  (Read 16950 times)

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Offline SmilinJackRoss

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #15 on: October 03, 2006, 12:56:13 PM »
Alone in the Dark has got to be one of the most disasterous movies I've ever watched.  Rarely do I actually feel anger...no, rage...after I finish a film, but this one had me fuming.  Funny thing is, I watched it all the way through.  I've turned off better movies than this.  I dunno, it must be like watching a car accident...you don't want to look, but you're compelled to anyways.

I wrote a review of it myself on my journal (I have an RT journal too Flamegrape, the "Mood" thing gave it away :) )Here I is:

Quote
Wow. I mean, wow. I don't think I have ever given a movie a 0/10, but I cannot justify going any higher with this one. From the very first second of this movie right up to the very last second, there was absolutely nothing redeemable in this film at all. Not one cool action sequence, not one interesting plot point or character, not even one funny bit of dialogue. It was like a couple of 13 year olds with ADD got together and wrote a script as a joke. Horrendous, incomprehensible, putrid, amateurish filmmaking. It doesn't even fit into that "so bad it's good" category. Shame on everyone involved with this movie. Uwe Boll should never be allowed near a camera again, but unfortunately he just released Bloodrayne, which is assured to be another crapfest. I will never ever watch another Uwe Boll movie again. AVOID AVOID AVOID this movie.

Here's the problem.  I vowed to never watch another Uwe Boll movie.  Even if Mike riffs it, I am stuck with a major dilemma.  In the end, I guess a rifftrax is the only way I would pop this turd back in the dvd player.
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Offline Tarantulas

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #16 on: October 03, 2006, 12:58:57 PM »
Jonny "I never finish anything" Frag wrote a partial review of Alone in the Dark...

I think it killed him before he could finish it.

http://notheater.org/jonnyfrag/alonedark.htm


Offline AvestheFox

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #17 on: October 03, 2006, 01:01:23 PM »
In the end, I guess a rifftrax is the only way I would pop this turd back in the dvd player.


It's a rather stinky turd at that... I think an elephant dropped it after eating the wrong plant..

ugh!


Offline Variety of Cells

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #18 on: October 03, 2006, 03:28:01 PM »
As I stated in a different topic, this appears to be the first popular Rifftrax movement.  So far the Round Table is in complete agreement.  I wonder what Rifftrax will do now.  Will they listen to our request?  They gave us Top Gun, but they had already pre-picked it by putting it in the poll.  Will this be the first fan selected Rifftrax?

I should have known it would take a girl to rally our voting power behind one cause. 
« Last Edit: October 03, 2006, 03:42:20 PM by varietyofcells »


Offline M.gunnerQuist

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #19 on: October 03, 2006, 03:44:29 PM »
I should have known it would take a girl to rally our voting power to one cause. 
*cracks whip*  ;D
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Offline gammer

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #20 on: October 03, 2006, 05:37:31 PM »
I should have known it would take a girl to rally our voting power to one cause. 
*cracks whip*  ;D

A "smart", aggressive one at that!    ::)


Offline Bob

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #21 on: October 03, 2006, 06:39:47 PM »
Flamegrape, that was an excellant, humorous post.   I laughed for a very long time.   Thank you!

I guess my main question about Uwe..... WHY would he only want to make video game movies?   Of course, I have been wondering that since "Super Mario Bros"


Offline Tarantulas

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #22 on: October 03, 2006, 06:42:51 PM »
The rights are generaly cheap for the video game movies, and the scripts are easy to get some hack to write since there is already generaly a story from the game to follow (or not).

I use Maebe from "Arrested Development" as an example of how the whole process most likely happens. :)


Offline mrbasehart

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #23 on: October 03, 2006, 06:50:52 PM »
I gave it one point for having actors that I like. And I gave it another point for Kristanna Loken getting naked. That's it. The rest of the movie was atrocious.

Hey! You rated the film exactly the way I did.  I've gotta disagree with you on Michael Madsen's performance, though.  I thought he was the worst of the bunch.  He's supposed to be this great leader of men in resistance to Sir Ben Kingsley's Vampire Lord thingy and yet he comes off as bored and uninterested.  Which exactly reflected my feelings.  Except for the sex scene, which was the most hilarious thing I'd seen since the Jacuzzi scene in Showgirls. 

If I had to pick an Uwe Boll film to be riffed, I'd go with House of the Dead: It's unbelievably awful.  Smallville fans might get a kick out of Erica Durance's nudie scene, though.

Oh, and if you want to see Michelle Rodriguez smile, check out the horror movie The Woods.  It's terrible, but she smiles in the first 15 minutes quite a bit.


Offline MoralThreat

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #24 on: October 03, 2006, 09:20:49 PM »
My sister called me the other day asking for some bad horror movies to watch.  Being the smartass I am I told her to get both House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark (this was payment for her not buying me Crossroads).  She called me once crying about the cheesy matrix style fights and the dispersion of actual video game clips in HotD.  This has been a week and she still hasn't talked to me. 

These movies suck the life out of you more then any bad movie I have seen.  I think to get through these it may take Mike, Kevin, Bill, and even Mary Jo.  Godspeed if you do.



Offline sarcasm_made_Easy

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #25 on: October 03, 2006, 09:47:40 PM »
i questions bolls "ability" in the ring, did they intentionally pick complete idiots to box him, i hated him i would love to punch him.  although i think he would beat me in an actual boxing match im fairly sure i could beat him if we could turn it into either a sparring match or a grappling match, god that guy makes crap for movies,  i now want to punch low tax for wasting such a great opportunity.


Offline WouTar

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #26 on: October 03, 2006, 10:54:57 PM »
Well, actually Uwe Boll is a great boxer. So I really wouldn't go saying:
I'd kick his ass! Low Tax is a wuss!

Or something like that. Truth is Uwe would probably beat you to a pulp. The real question is, how does beating up your critics make your movie 'portfolio' any better? You still directed Alone in the Dark...


Offline MoralThreat

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #27 on: October 03, 2006, 11:01:37 PM »
The mere notion that this man put glasses on Tara Reid to make her look "intelligent", as he put it, says all I need to know about the good Dr.

What I want to know is what the hell was Ben Kingsley thinking when he signed up for Bloodrayne?  The Academy should revoke his Oscar for having his name tied to that abonimation.


Offline Pak-Man

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Offline sarcasm_made_Easy

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Re: Uwe Boll must be riffed to shreds
« Reply #29 on: October 04, 2006, 06:18:09 AM »
Quote
Well, actually Uwe Boll is a great boxer. So I really wouldn't go saying:


well im not going to call you a liar, but where did u find evidence to support that hes a GREAT boxer,  it seemed like he was fairly amateurish to me, just far far far less than that idiot he had in the ring.  Also i said i think he would beat me at boxing, i am not a boxer at all, i do grappling a little and am in karate, so if i could use either of those to things i think i could beat, but maybe thats just ego as well, who knows, i do know i would have thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity.