Author Topic: If I did the second draft cleanup...  (Read 6790 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Principal_Skin-trade

  • Guest
If I did the second draft cleanup...
« on: July 11, 2007, 01:05:49 AM »
Here are some of the changes I would have made to Star Trek Generations if I wrote it:
Kirk would have been bored because he knows his glory days are long over... so he hits Scotty over the back of the head with a Klingon Dak'tahg and steals the klingon ship and goes forward in time to find the owner of the enterprise D and blow the ship away. He encounters klingon women on the bird of prey. He of course has sex with them and thus gains their loyalty and leads the klingon empire in a viscious war against the federation. Picard of course is appalled that Kirk, savior of the federation would ever do such a thing. Picard is so appalled he beams over to the ship but is beamed into the tank for george and gracey and drowns. Riker wets himself, Kirk laughs, says "Fire at Will... WILL RIKER!" and the klingons blow up the Enterprise and Troi and everyone dies. Kirk laughs and flies at warp speed to the federation to destroy planet earth. The happy Star Trek theme plays. the end.


Offline Scrivener

  • Not Hurt By Pain
  • ******
  • Posts: 1154
  • Liked:
  • P.S. Productions: Getting the last word in.
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2007, 08:30:18 AM »
That is the most ridiculous, overblown, fanbase-alienating piece of tripe I have ever seen even remotely connected to the "Star Trek" name.











So, when did Paramount hire you to write "Star Trek XI"?  ;D
Buy P.S.Productions' iRiffs.  NOW AVAILABLE:


Offline RVR II

  • Samurai Cop
  • **********
  • Posts: 50961
  • Liked:
  • There can be Only 1...
    • RVR II's YouTube Channel
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2007, 08:33:46 AM »
Here are some of the changes I would have made to Star Trek Generations if I wrote it:
Kirk would have been bored because he knows his glory days are long over... so he hits Scotty over the back of the head with a Klingon Dak'tahg and steals the klingon ship and goes forward in time to find the owner of the enterprise D and blow the ship away. He encounters klingon women on the bird of prey. He of course has sex with them and thus gains their loyalty and leads the klingon empire in a viscious war against the federation. Picard of course is appalled that Kirk, savior of the federation would ever do such a thing. Picard is so appalled he beams over to the ship but is beamed into the tank for george and gracey and drowns. Riker wets himself, Kirk laughs, says "Fire at Will... WILL RIKER!" and the klingons blow up the Enterprise and Troi and everyone dies. Kirk laughs and flies at warp speed to the federation to destroy planet earth. The happy Star Trek theme plays. the end.
I think adding The Borg would have elevated the action scenes that much more, along with seeing the Romulan attack of the station.


Offline Sideswipe

  • Compsognathus
  • *****
  • Posts: 10563
  • Liked:
  • Look at me!!
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2007, 04:47:36 PM »
That was one of the worst peices of words strung together in an attempt to call itself a post that I have read.  No where in your inane rambling did you attemp to create a logical thought.  I think we are all dumber after having read that.

And just out of curiosity, why does Kirk want to wipe out the Federation and destroy Earth?

I was bieng threated with death by wolf raping before it was cool!.


Principal_Skin-trade

  • Guest
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2007, 12:16:41 AM »
That was one of the worst peices of words strung together in an attempt to call itself a post that I have read.  No where in your inane rambling did you attemp to create a logical thought.  I think we are all dumber after having read that.

And just out of curiosity, why does Kirk want to wipe out the Federation and destroy Earth?
I know... but you got to admit, it's still a LOT better than Generations!  ;D To answer your question about why Kirk wants to wipe out the Federation and destroy earth... well, all the other plots have already been covered in star trek except THAT one. I love to take a normally happy-go-lucky universe and just turn it all bleak where all the characters are like "No! You can't! You just can't do that! Tha-- That isn't fair!!". They think they are in complete control of everything, and let's face it, that is so boring. The federation has always been portrayed as something almighty and all powerful and I think it's time for a change.
« Last Edit: July 12, 2007, 12:24:39 AM by Principal_Skin-trade »


Principal_Skin-trade

  • Guest
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2007, 01:09:32 AM »
Okay... here's my THIRD draft revised version, i'm sure you guys will be much happier with this idea:

Picard and Kirk are riding horses.
Kirk: umm... so how do we get back?
PIcard: I guess i could put on some sparkley red high heels and click them three times
Kirk: I don't swing that way you french pig.
Picard: Nexus! We want to leave!
Voice: It's not THAT easy Picard! I told you i'd see you out there.
Picard: I know that voice..
(Q appears in a flash of white light, Picard and Kirk dismount their horses)
Q: Ah, Kirk.
Kirk: Do I know you?
Q: You knew my son... sorry again about him.
Kirk: Oh... him
Picard: Q, we--
Q(annoyed): Yes yes I know Picard, you want to get back to stop Soran from
destroying that planet so you can be remembered forever in the annulls of history
as a great big hero.
Picard: Basically, yes!
Kirk: Not as much as me, right Q?
Q: Oh don't worry Kirk, Picard is far behind you.
Kirk(raises an eyebrow): What the hell do you mean by that?
Picard: Q... is it possible?
Q: yes... but when do you want to go back?
Picard: When?
Q: yes... to before your nephew and brother died?
Picard: Yes. Yes.
Q: I think I should tell you, you probably won't have time to get to Soran before he destroys
Veridian 3 if you go back and save your Brother and Nephew.
Picard(Clearly torn): (Lets out a deep sigh)
Kirk(steps forward): Picard, I have a suggestion.
Q: Then it is settled. But remember what I said about it not being easy to leave here Picard?
Picard: Yes?
Q: You owe me... a lot.
Picard: Thank you Q.
Q: Save it.
(In a flash of White light, Kirk and Picard are gone from the Nexus. Picard Appears back on his ship
at the Observatory, talking to counselor Troi. Picard activates his comm panel)
Picard: Picard to Geordi.
Geordi: yes sir?
Picard: Before you go, talk a full security team with you, apprehend Doctor Soran immediately, he is on the
Amergosa observatory in an attempt to fire a trilithium weapon.
Geordi: umm... yes sir.
Troi: Sir? How did you know?
Picard(Looks down at the message he received earlier to see it has changed to a picture of his Brother and Nephew, who are now alive and well): It doesn't matter.

Earlier that day, France, Planet Earth
(Kirk appears out of nowhere, disoriented by the flash of light and thunderstorm at the farm the Picard family has owned for many generations. Kirk sees lightning strike the house. He runs inside and yells to find the survivors. He runs upstairs and finds a Man and a young boy huddled in a corner from the rapidly-spreading fire. Kirk endures the intense fire, and grabs both of them and takes them out of the house. He ushers them towards the door, and a ceiling beam falls and strikes Kirk on the back. He falls, paralyzed. Picard's brother runs back and tries to pull up the beam, but Kirk yells at him, ordering him to leave him. The man hesitates, arguing with kirk.)

On the enterprise
Picard receives news that Captain James Kirk died in a fire on planet earth saving his family. Picard frowns, ashamed that he had to sacrifice one of history's greatest heroes just to save his family.
Picard has Soran brought in his ready room.
Picard: Soran... you realize how many people could have died for your selfish desire?
Soran: don't you dare lecture me Picard. You were there yourself.
Picard: I understand the desire Soran. But the fact is that I have no choice but to have you imprisoned.
(In a flash of light, Q appears)
Q: Ah, so this is the planet destroyer.
Soran: Who the hell are you?
Picard: This is Q. He is going to take you to the nexus.
Soran(in disbelief): What?
Q: I will see to it that he stays in a type of prison for a few hundred years Captain. After that though he will be immortal and free to roam the nexus.
PIcard: That seems satisfactory to me.
Q: Come along doctor. This is what you've wanted after all.
Soran: I'm sorry for all I have done Captain... thank you for this.
Picard: Just don't come back Soran.
Q: I assure you Captain, he won't ever want to leave.
(Q and Soran disappear in a flash of light. The End)


Offline Tony Farms AKA Puma Man

  • Magneto-cent Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 441
  • Liked:
  • Anus Insurance?
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2007, 01:26:08 PM »
Here are some of the changes I would have made to Star Trek Generations if I wrote it:
Kirk would have been bored because he knows his glory days are long over... so he hits Scotty over the back of the head with a Klingon Dak'tahg and steals the klingon ship and goes forward in time to find the owner of the enterprise D and blow the ship away. He encounters klingon women on the bird of prey. He of course has sex with them and thus gains their loyalty and leads the klingon empire in a viscious war against the federation. Picard of course is appalled that Kirk, savior of the federation would ever do such a thing. Picard is so appalled he beams over to the ship but is beamed into the tank for george and gracey and drowns. Riker wets himself, Kirk laughs, says "Fire at Will... WILL RIKER!" and the klingons blow up the Enterprise and Troi and everyone dies. Kirk laughs and flies at warp speed to the federation to destroy planet earth. The happy Star Trek theme plays. the end.

I'd go see that flick only if you showed some Romulan boobies as well.


Principal_Skin-trade

  • Guest
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2007, 05:23:18 PM »
I only intend to show romulan boobs if the romulan women look like human beings. Plus... also see my third draft cleanup above.


Offline RVR II

  • Samurai Cop
  • **********
  • Posts: 50961
  • Liked:
  • There can be Only 1...
    • RVR II's YouTube Channel
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2007, 05:34:07 PM »
Hell! If their Nips were as Pointy as their Ears, I'M THERE!!


Offline Tripe

  • Stars in Musicals
  • *
  • Posts: 41553
  • Liked:
  • Very dapper
    • Nick Rowley, Voice Artist
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2007, 06:22:58 PM »
I only intend to show romulan boobs if the romulan women look like human beings. Plus... also see my third draft cleanup above.

I suspect the studio would make them look not unlike  Jolene Blalock so no problems there.

Plus I like your second draft it's not unlike The Wrath of Kirk

[yt=425,350]-u7m7BiX1JI[/yt]
« Last Edit: July 12, 2007, 06:25:22 PM by TripeHoundRedux »


Principal_Skin-trade

  • Guest
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #10 on: July 12, 2007, 06:36:24 PM »
I only intend to show romulan boobs if the romulan women look like human beings. Plus... also see my third draft cleanup above.

I suspect the studio would make them look not unlike  Jolene Blalock so no problems there.

Plus I like your second draft it's not unlike The Wrath of Kirk

[yt=425,350]-u7m7BiX1JI[/yt]
Heh heh, thanks, I loved that fan-made trailer. 100% kick-ass  ;D


Offline Tripe

  • Stars in Musicals
  • *
  • Posts: 41553
  • Liked:
  • Very dapper
    • Nick Rowley, Voice Artist
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2007, 06:38:31 PM »
It has angry Picard which is always fun to see.


Principal_Skin-trade

  • Guest
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #12 on: July 12, 2007, 06:54:08 PM »
It has angry Picard which is always fun to see.
Heh heh... "I WILL TERMINATE HIM!"


Offline RVR II

  • Samurai Cop
  • **********
  • Posts: 50961
  • Liked:
  • There can be Only 1...
    • RVR II's YouTube Channel
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #13 on: July 12, 2007, 06:58:49 PM »
It has angry Picard which is always fun to see.
Locutus of Borg was Impressive as well!


Offline RobtheBarbarian

  • Bilbo Baggins Balladeer
  • ******
  • Posts: 4049
  • Liked:
  • Snarl!
Re: If I did the second draft cleanup...
« Reply #14 on: July 12, 2007, 07:02:08 PM »


Let it never be said that Picard can't lighten up.
« Last Edit: July 12, 2007, 10:20:41 PM by RobtheBarbarian »