Now Available - The Million Eyes of Sumuru

[Pak-Man]

https://www.rifftrax.com/the-million-eyes-of-sumuru

An international cabal of sexy ladies has set their sights on the world’s richest and most powerful men. There’s only one thing that can stop them: a middle-aged guy who wears his pants hiked up maybe three inches below his nipples.

Typically this would not present a problem for such an advanced organization, but they didn’t count on one thing: this idiot is the star of a sixties movie and they are therefore required to fall in love with him despite the fact that he looks like someone who might have unsuccessfully tried to sell Don Draper flood insurance on Mad Men.

Assisting our hero is Frankie Avalon, who, despite not being Frankie Vallie, still sucks big time. They’ll also encounter Klaus Kinski, who apparently was able to embarass himself in B-movies on the rare occasions he wasn’t shrieking at Werner Herzog. There’s also statue rays, army guys in tiny shorts, and killer nuns because hey: that’s Sumuru’s vision, and she’s the one with the million eyes.

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Million Eyes of Sumuru, and then stick around for the next film in the SCU (Sumuru Cinematic Universe) The Girl from Rio!

Written by: Mike Nelson, Conor Lastowka, Sean Thomason
Contributing Writers: Jason Miller, Zachary Shatzer

[losingmydignity]

Okay this a MST3K redo I can get behind.

[CJones]

I am confused. Who are we supposed to be rooting for? The gorgeous women or the loathsome men? The only even remotely likeable male characters are the Hong Kong police.

Also, somebody please tell me what pheromone <main character> is using, that gets women half his age to instantly fall for him.

[John Bradley]

Not to continually harp on this topic, but IMDB lists the film at 95 minutes, and the RiffTrax thing that goes by the same name clocks in at 70 minutes.

Not so much a riffing of the movie as a riffing of random slightly-related scenes from the movie. I feel short-changed, as if they only riffed about 737k of Sumuru's many, many eyes, leaving 263k of them entirely unriffed.

Getting worse, not better.

If they want keep cranking out 70 minute riffs, it'd be preferable if they started with 70 minute movies. There should be tons of '50s b-films or similar that fit the bill. Love the "Teenagers" series that MJ and Bridget have been doing, for example.

[Anarchemist]

Well, it is certainly a better-looking print of the movie than the old MST3k one. I guess that's something. Nobody is green.

[The Lurker]

It honestly depends on what was cut.  If it's a case like Hillbillies, then yeah that's understandable.

[dbsommer]

Finally got around to this. Unlike most, I found Sumuru far more unpalatable than out intrepid... semi-competent... Pressure Point like protagonist. She was just there, he at least tried having an iota of charisma. I'm not surprised everyone was looking to defect to him.

Oh yes, Wilfrid Hyde-White is charming in no matter what he does. Sure, it's the same character, but no one does it better.

Klaus Kinski is creepy in anything he does. Which is sort of amazing. How can that level of creep be your default character?

If anything was cut, good. I cannot see this going one second longer than it did. And the unriffed movie is only 1 hour and 19 minutes on Amazon. Not 90.

Random eye widening. Even I noticed it before the guys mentioned it.

I actually was amused by the Frankie Avalon singing reference he did.

I thought the sequel was better. Amazingly.

I miss the days of non-silicone enhancement. All the babes looked so wonderfully natural.