Peep and the Big Wide World: My iRiff debut; give constructive feedback please!

[Flodo McFloodiloo]

This is the story of a naive chicken, a racist duck, and a flatulent robin on a quest for enlightenment.  Along the way, they'll contend with a horny cat, a drunk frog and a looming black void.  It's a lot less exciting than it sounds, but fortunately I made an iRiff to make it bearable.

That said, this is my first release so it's going to be rough around the edges, and I will admit, the longer it went the less new things I found to mock.  Still, it's the first file I've cleaned up enough to be presentable, and showcases an obscure terrible film that hasn't gotten the recognition terrible films deserve, so I'm sharing it, but for free.  The riff is here.  Fortunately the film's owners have also uploaded it for free on YouTube, here.  Start the riff file first, and just press play on the video when I count to three.

Note again that I want constructive feedback.  I don't really care if you don't find my jokes funny, but don't just say that.  Say something like "It would be funnier if ___" or "You should make more jokes about ____" or "Try to think of jokes by ___" instead.  Also if you're offering feedback on sound, technical advice is best, like what settings and distance from my mouth to put a microphone.  Please don't insult my voice; I know it is arguably ugly and I have tried to address this through therapy, but no therapist I found has been helpful.  Then again, with this film full of the worst xylophone and hammer music you've ever heard, you might not even notice problems with the riff's sound!

Oh, and this riff is rated R.  Or would be rated R if the MPAA rated riffs.  It isn't very racy at all by R-rated standards, but the film is just too confoundingly terrible (and sometimes suggestive) for me not to go some dark places.

[zenmichael]

OK, Flodo, so some feedback, and I'll just kind of "live tweet" my thoughts:

Your voice is fine. It is very unique & I think could provide some interesting voices for different riffs.
What are you using for a mic? In the first 45 seconds I hear a lot of shuffling, and it SOUNDS like you're using a phone & moving it around a lot. But then when you shout "no!" (maybe in answer to "is it angry birds?") the mic (whatever it is) definitely pops. If you're using a mic, then DO NOT move it or touch it or let anything touch it while recording; that's what those shuffling sounds are. if you are using a phone or something that does move, i'd suggest placing it on a stand or something so that it is still, and do NOT move as close as you did for the NO! unless you WANT to go for the mic popping sound - as it is, it just sounds like you moved too close to the mic. If it's already a stationary mic, do not get as close as you did for that NO! (or move back some when shouting, if you didn't get closer). (This came back with "SO if you're ready to laugh and cry" - again, too close to the mic.)
SCRIPT OUT what you're going to say in your intros. The line between impromptu and rambling is very thin.
Ah! It gets much tougher to write anything while two videos are playing, so this probably won't last long b/c I will get hopelessly out of synch here, BUT:
1) I like that you start out combative w/the narrator; it makes for fun frission.
2) I can hear breathing/shuffling in between riff lines. You want to go in & delete all that in whatever DAW you're using.
3) OK, so here's something that I think is common when people are starting out. When we see Peep's eye you say "whatever Peep is." That's what I'd call a "stage 1" riff. So you've identified that Peep is ... inchoate in this shot. Good, but I noticed it, too. Give me a riff that's thinking faster than me. What would take it to Stage 2 would be something like, "Peep was the abyss, and it is staring back at us."  That's not super funny, but you see what I'm saying, how it's taking that stage 1 observation & thinking faster than the viewer to give them something funny there?  There's probably a Stage 3, but I'm not that good. (Personally I'd probably make a Critters reference, but that's just me.)
4) I think you've made about 4 different "this movie is bad" jokes in the first 3 minutes. Try to use those more sparingly. I like the IDEA of the "much like people watching this film, self-medicating," but if you could turn it a little more, like, 'Peep had learned the art of self-medicating' so that you keep the nugget of the joke w/o falling so easily into the "this movie is bad" hole.

OK, I'll stop there b/c I don't want to do a critique of every single second. I hope you find these thoughts useful. Feel free to reply & let me know what DAW/mic you're using, and if it's anything I have some knowledge of I'm happy to help.

Michael