I'm not a good person. I've done some terrible things in my life. I physically assaulted some people. I have literally held myself hostage telling g people that I will kill myself if they do something. I have taken friends for granted, and I have been selfish. I have sexually assaulted someone.
Maybe it isn't in the sense of invasive sex or whatever, but in my mind, it's no different. Their was a girl, and I took advantage of her. This is back in my high school days. I don't say this to excuse what I did. I don't even say this as a justification or explanation of what I did. I did this, regardless of how confused I was to my self identity. I took advantage of a girl who had no way of responding.
This isn't something that I've only recently felt guilty about. This has been with me sense I've become, for lack of a better term, woke. Since I have understood who I am, and have become comfortable with myself, I have felt absolutely disgusted with myself. Whether or not the term is true, I consider myself a predator.
I will preface this story with the fact that I am highly drunk. This has been coming for a bit, but it has been coming since another forum member(name excluded partly because of privacy concerns, and partly because my drunk ass can't remember exactly who it was) discussed their experience. I'm not proud, and I don't want to make it seem like I am so. I hate myself for what I have done.
Years ago, in high school, I was confused. I use this as a word, because there's not really another way to describe it. I was in a play. I loved the theater. Being me was awful. I hated it. The theater, as what was available in my school, allowed me to be someone else. After our final performance, as was the custom, we all went out for food. We carpooled to the sort of outlet mall, which had an IHOP or a waffle house, or something. I don't remember. What I do remember is that there were 4 people in the car. Me, a younger guy, another guy my age, and a girl my age. The girl was driving.
I can't even say what went through my head. I can't justify what I did. To my memory, which I don't know if I can trust, I never went beneath her underwear. I can't say if this is right or not. I have both vivid memories and vague memories of the night. I remember that I was directly behind the driver's seat.
We were having a great night. The play had gone well. We were all in a good mood. I took it too far, as did the younger guy in the passenger seat. I reached around the front, and started feeling up this girl. The guy in the passenger seat does the same.
You don't have to tell me how fucking disgusting and horrible this is. I hate myself for this, more for this than most things, and I have plenty to hate myself for. At first it was over her shirt. I groped and grabbed. But I didn't stop. I reached under her shirt.
I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know why I thought I had a right to violate her in this way. I've justified it until now with "Well, I didn't go UNDER her bra, so it's not that bad..." But what I've been through in the past couple years with Paul has given my more of an appreciation for what a shitty, disgusting person I am. So what? It doesn't make what I did any better.
Doubtless, this will harm several of your opinions of me. For one of you, at least, no doubt it will confirm your opinions of me as a less than good person, and justify your leaving me. I'm sorry. I have reached out to the girl to apologize, though it probably won't do a thing, and will just help me, but I wanted to record my guilt somewhere. I deserve any hate or anything I get from this. I sexually assaulted someone. The degree is irrelevant. What I did is disgusting, and I accept the consequences of it.
Topic: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues) (Read 54719 times)