Also RVR I'm sure that ghosting will work after some time. Some people are thick but they'll eventually get the point and back off.
Next time she tries to contact me, I'll just tell her directly to leave me alone.
I think that it's best to be direct in general. As long as you're direct from the get go, there's usually no misunderstandings, unless it's willful. I think there's a lot of societal pressure to not be direct and to pussyfoot around topics that are difficult. We can't expect the people around us to know how we're feeling, and interpersonal relationships aren't a game where you should be dropping hints. Whatever you think is obvious may not be obvious to someone else.
Also, VoC; Yeah, you did a wrong thing. The goal is to accept that you fucked up, which you've done, and be able to move past that. Without delving too much into my past history: I was sexually abused by an older cousin from about 10-13 or so. He told me that that was just what relatives do, it wasn't bad or wrong. I believed him. It led me to do somethings that I am definitely not proud of or even ok with having done them to my younger siblings, and a young lady I was in school with. I had the wrong information, I didn't know that what I was doing was wrong, no body had educated me on any of this. When I found out, I was absolutely mortified. It doesn't matter that I didn't know or whatever. What matters is that I did it. I've been working on the feelings associated with all of this for a while now. Part of me wants to excuse what I did, but I can't do that. I hurt those people. I accept that. What you have to do is understand that what happened has happened, and no amount of guilt or stressing or worrying is going to change what happened. If you can apologize to the person, do so. If you can't, then you can't. It does no good for someone to dwell on the "should"s, because what should have happened, or what should be, is irrelevant and ignores the reality of the situation. For instance, if I dwell on the fact that I should've been born with the proper organs in the proper configuration, all that will happen is that I will continue to be obsessed with how things should be and not work to improve my reality as it is now. You can never satisfy the should game, because whenever you reach the way things should be, there will always be something else that should happen.
Long story short, accept what you did as wrong, internalize that, learn from that, and focus on your now to move forward.
On to me! I've been feeling rubbish all day. I keep getting flashbacks to what happened last year with Paul, I can't sleep, I'm exhausted, things generally suck. My girlfriend has had a massive mood crash the past 3 nights in a row, and I'm getting drained. She talks about how she can't see anyway out of the situation she's in, even though I've gone over with her the things that she needs to take care of to get her situation sorted. I'm dropping a class, which makes me feel like a god damned failure. I'm fairly confident that the rest of my classes are going well. Anatomy is surprising me with how well it's coming to me, although I think that's because the prof cuts out 90% of the fluff in the text book. I don't have the motivation to do anything that I need to, and I'm paranoid that the only reason I've had such a massive style change from like fairly femme to straight up butch dyke is driven by the fact that I just can't trust men any more, and that I'm trying to be the exact opposite of what Paul found attractive about me. Problem is that I hate my appearance. Not necessarily the style, but just how I look. I've gained a load of weight since being back at my folks after my UK visit to Hana, partially because they don't know that vegetables are a thing and partialy because I'm stress eating like a fucking panda. I feel like I'm being pressed from all sides and I don't have any options to get out of the situation I'm in at the moment. Disability STILL hasn't come through, haven't even gotten the court date scheduled. I'm supposed to be getting married next summer, but I need to make sure that my disability stuff has gone through so that I can afford the Visa and the marriage certificate. Still haven't been able to get my name change, because every time I get money it goes to my medications or food. I'm getting fucking tired of having to tell people that my name is Cody. It's not. I've not gone by that name for literal years. And even after the name change goes through, I've got to figure out how I'm gonna sort out my license, because Kansas is a bassackwards state and requires a court order to change the gender marker on my license, and the court order can only be given AFTER SRS. My plan is to chill out in CO with a friend for a few days and get my license there, because CO isn't about being a cunt to people who don't fall into their heteronormative standards of life.
I'm just fucking tired. I need things to stabilize. Shit's getting so crazy and I don't know how to handle this.