General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)

[RVR II]

Also RVR I'm sure that ghosting will work after some time. Some people are thick but they'll eventually get the point and back off.

Next time she tries to contact me, I'll just tell her directly to leave me alone.

[Cupcake]

Also RVR I'm sure that ghosting will work after some time. Some people are thick but they'll eventually get the point and back off.

Next time she tries to contact me, I'll just tell her directly to leave me alone.

I think that it's best to be direct in general. As long as you're direct from the get go, there's usually no misunderstandings, unless it's willful. I think there's a lot of societal pressure to not be direct and to pussyfoot around topics that are difficult. We can't expect the people around us to know how we're feeling, and interpersonal relationships aren't a game where you should be dropping hints. Whatever you think is obvious may not be obvious to someone else.

Also, VoC; Yeah, you did a wrong thing. The goal is to accept that you fucked up, which you've done, and be able to move past that. Without delving too much into my past history: I was sexually abused by an older cousin from about 10-13 or so. He told me that that was just what relatives do, it wasn't bad or wrong. I believed him. It led me to do somethings that I am definitely not proud of or even ok with having done them to my younger siblings, and a young lady I was in school with. I had the wrong information, I didn't know that what I was doing was wrong, no body had educated me on any of this. When I found out, I was absolutely mortified. It doesn't matter that I didn't know or whatever. What matters is that I did it. I've been working on the feelings associated with all of this for a while now. Part of me wants to excuse what I did, but I can't do that. I hurt those people. I accept that. What you have to do is understand that what happened has happened, and no amount of guilt or stressing or worrying is going to change what happened. If you can apologize to the person, do so. If you can't, then you can't. It does no good for someone to dwell on the "should"s, because what should have happened, or what should be, is irrelevant and ignores the reality of the situation. For instance, if I dwell on the fact that I should've been born with the proper organs in the proper configuration, all that will happen is that I will continue to be obsessed with how things should be and not work to improve my reality as it is now. You can never satisfy the should game, because whenever you reach the way things should be, there will always be something else that should happen.

Long story short, accept what you did as wrong, internalize that, learn from that, and focus on your now to move forward.

On to me! I've been feeling rubbish all day. I keep getting flashbacks to what happened last year with Paul, I can't sleep, I'm exhausted, things generally suck. My girlfriend has had a massive mood crash the past 3 nights in a row, and I'm getting drained. She talks about how she can't see anyway out of the situation she's in, even though I've gone over with her the things that she needs to take care of to get her situation sorted. I'm dropping a class, which makes me feel like a god damned failure. I'm fairly confident that the rest of my classes are going well. Anatomy is surprising me with how well it's coming to me, although I think that's because the prof cuts out 90% of the fluff in the text book. I don't have the motivation to do anything that I need to, and I'm paranoid that the only reason I've had such a massive style change from like fairly femme to straight up butch dyke is driven by the fact that I just can't trust men any more, and that I'm trying to be the exact opposite of what Paul found attractive about me. Problem is that I hate my appearance. Not necessarily the style, but just how I look. I've gained a load of weight since being back at my folks after my UK visit to Hana, partially because they don't know that vegetables are a thing and partialy because I'm stress eating like a fucking panda. I feel like I'm being pressed from all sides and I don't have any options to get out of the situation I'm in at the moment. Disability STILL hasn't come through, haven't even gotten the court date scheduled. I'm supposed to be getting married next summer, but I need to make sure that my disability stuff has gone through so that I can afford the Visa and the marriage certificate. Still haven't been able to get my name change, because every time I get money it goes to my medications or food. I'm getting fucking tired of having to tell people that my name is Cody. It's not. I've not gone by that name for literal years. And even after the name change goes through, I've got to figure out how I'm gonna sort out my license, because Kansas is a bassackwards state and requires a court order to change the gender marker on my license, and the court order can only be given AFTER SRS. My plan is to chill out in CO with a friend for a few days and get my license there, because CO isn't about being a cunt to people who don't fall into their heteronormative standards of life.

I'm just fucking tired. I need things to stabilize. Shit's getting so crazy and I don't know how to handle this.

[Russoguru]

That's some serious stuff you went through LB. I'm not sure there's much else I can say aside from the usual, but just know we value you here. I'm very very sorry. 

[Cupcake]

So, I need some advice. A friend of mine is having a bit of a crisis, and I honestly have absolutely no idea of what to do to help them. They're feeling as if they don't belong to the correct race. I know that there are a lot of people who instantly discount this kind of thing as ridiculous, and I can understand that to an extent. At the same time, though, many of the things that they are describing are things that I have gone through as a trans woman.

I feel like they want me to outright tell them that it's a horrible thing, because they want a reason to say that it's worng and they shouldn't feel that way. However, I've been in a position where I have strongly felt something about myself that most people in my life have adamantly rejected. I can't, in good conscience, tell them that it's a bad thing to feel this way.

The issue is a muddy one, because on the one hand, I understand the feelings, to an extent, but on the other hand, it's widely considered to be appropriation at best, or outright racism at worst. They have done a lot of research into cosmetic surgeries(something I also can relate to) relating to altering their appearance to be more in line with the view they hold of themselves. A part of me wants to acquiesce and tell them that it's wrong, but another part of me is questioning the reasoning for why it's wrong.

There are obviously differences between being transgender and transracial, but many of the arguments I see against one can be applied to the other interchangeably. TERFs argue against trans women being acknowledged as women, because they haven't experienced what it is like to grow up as a woman. Likewise, people discount transracial persons in the same way: changing skin tone, or facial structure doesn't impart the experience of being that race. At the same time, the arguments used in favour of trans persons on that point can also apply to transracial individuals. It's not those experiences that make you belong to a group, it is your self identity that is important.

They're in a way where they're inclined towards self harm and suicidal ideation. There are a lot of reasons why psych treatment isn't practical in this situation, and you cannot force someone into treatment. I've told them that they need to do what makes them happy, no matter what it involves. I can't give them the go ahead, encouraging them to go through with something that very likely will leave them a social pariah. But I can't abandon them when they're in so much pain. I will always support someone's right to do what they want to their own body. It would be massively hypocritical of me to oppose that. I don't know what to do, and I'm scared.

[Edward J Grug III]

I'm not really sure what to think about that at all.

My wife offered these links, and I'm going to read them myself and have a think about it:

https://theconversation.com/the-contradiction-at-the-heart-of-rachel-dolezals-transracialism-75820

http://www.thestranger.com/features/2017/04/19/25082450/the-heart-of-whiteness-ijeoma-oluo-interviews-rachel-dolezal-the-white-woman-who-identifies-as-black

http://www.chronicle.com/blogs/ticker/journal-apologizes-for-article-likening-transracialism-to-transgenderism/118084

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jun/16/transracial-definition-destructive-rachel-dolezal-spokane-naacp

[Cupcake]

The only thing I can say is that this person is adamant that they are this race. I've also not seen any articles or thoughts on it that aren't about the black Vs white dynamic, which is a distinction that needs to be made. It seems imprudent to allow arguments depicting the black Vs white to be extrapolated to the entire debate. Surely it should be decided on group by group basis?

I place this distinction, because they're not wanting to be black. I don't want to say too much about their situation, as it would not do for me to out them.

[Cupcake]

It still bothers me that people are insisting that there are differences between transgenderism and transracialism. In the articles that I've read and of the ones you've posted I've read, the general consensus is that it's wrong to romanticise a racial identity and ignore the less good portions of that identity. For one, as far as I can be aware, the friend has no intention of ignoring the less positive aspects of the race they identify as. For another, I still do not see the difference between this and being transgender. It seems like it's the EXACT same argument TERFs trot out, trans women only look to the "positives" of being a woman, and their identity is a product of their male privilege in believing that they can assert themselves into any group. And yet, transgenderism is widely accepted, more or less, and transracialism is frowned upon as something taboo. I want to understand their point of view. I'm really torn. I can't tell if it's a gut reaction to it or if I genuinely think it's wrong.

[Edward J Grug III]

Yeah, this is a thing where I have no idea what to think.

[MartyS (Gromit)]

That is a tough one.  Is it a case of wanting to behave a certain way and feel they can't due to the community they live in, or do they look in the mirror and expect to see something else?  One can be solved by moving (easier said than done), the other is a much more difficult issue.

[Edward J Grug III]

My wife offers this:

The idea that Dolezal and transgender people are fundamentally alike shouldn’t need another debunking.
There are at least 700,000 transgender people in the U.S. alone—enough to establish it as a palpable, if often invisible, population. People like Rachel Dolezal, on the other hand, are few and far between, hence her almost inherent newsworthiness.
The American Psychological Association (APA), too, has long recognized the possibility of one’s “gender identity” not conforming to “the sex to which they were assigned at birth.” There never has been nor is there likely to ever be equivalent recognition for identification as another race.
Transgender people transition out of medical necessity. Dolezal’s “transition” to black, on the other hand, is surrounded by layers of deception—the Howard lawsuit, the false claim to an African-American father, the refusal to correct newspapers that misidentified her as “biracial”—that she was unwilling to fully unravel in her conversation with Lauer.
And unlike transgender people who can undergo medically-proven hormonal and surgical treatments to embody their new gender, Dolezal cannot become black in any meaningful sense. When asked by Lauer how she had altered her physical appearance, she responded, “I certainly don’t stay out of the sun.”
There’s no comparison between the effects of years of hormone therapy and a day on the beach.
from here: https://www.thedailybeast.com/dolezals-damaging-transracial-game
Can they also consider for a minute that race and gender are actually two different things? That however you want to argue for the complexities of the constructions of both — and I'm with you there — those complexities are not the same? A fascinating Rolling Stone piece just last year explored the biology of being transgender, noting, among other points, "the brains of trans people do look different." A Boston University study earlier this year supports the idea that "There is increasing evidence of a biological basis for gender identity." And as trans woman Meredith Talusan further illuminates, "The fundamental difference between Dolezal’s actions and trans people’s is that her decision to identify as black was an active choice, whereas transgender people’s decision to transition is almost always involuntary." So if you want to make a case that being "transracial" is like being transgender, knock yourself out, but I'd like to see some data first, thanks.
From here: https://www.salon.com/2015/06/15/rachel_dolezal_is_not_caitlyn_jenner_race_and_gender_are_not_the_same/

[Cupcake]

I'm not arguing that what Dolezal did is right. As far as the recognition of the population, that can be accounted for by a shifting of the times. 100 years ago, it was widely considered to be a disease or disorder to be transgender. It can be argued that the shifting understanding of gender has contributed to acceptance of transgender persons.
I'd also argue the idea that hormone therapy and surgery qualifies as inherently more meaningful than procedures(which do exist in a capacity more than getting a tan) to alter someone's appearance to the desired traits. I say this as someone who has undergone hormone therapy for multiple years. It's changed my chemistry to an extent, but it's not permanent. If I stop taking pills, I will more or less revert to a masculine state. It doesn't alter my bone structure, it doesn't give me the ability to bare or create children. Indeed, it actually hinders me in that regard; hormone replacement is essentially chemical castration. My breasts are legitimate, I suppose, although they're not what I would like them to be, another mark of the testosterone poisoning me. My hip to waist ratio will never be comparable to a via woman's, unless it's via surgery. As far as surgery is concerned, how can you argue in favour of what is, essentially cosmetic for both sides. My eventual SRS isnt going to provide me with a uterus or ovaries. Functional to an extent, and meaningful to ME, but I'm not sure that it could widely be recognised as more meaningful than, say, a procedure to appear more Arabic, or Chinese, or, yes, black.
As far as the biological basis, the more that I study the human body, the more that the arguments of different brains dubious. Brains look the same. If you want to say that they light up differently, well, I suppose you could say that, but I'd argue that that's more to do with the brain being quite capable of rewiring itself to suit different needs.
I don't want to come across as having made my mind up. I really haven't. Of course, I want to defend my friend, and I will stand by them, but I am not clear to my feelings on this issue. It's very very muddy. I do not believe that there is any meaningful difference between races, as it were, a difference in culture, yes, but I would say culture is somewhat independent of race, although it usually dominates in certain groups.

[Russoguru]

I don't think I've ever talked about this episode in my life publicly, and it's... honestly something I am really not proud of, but here it goes. It was back in 2003, I was in my mid-20's, and there was this store I still go into from time to time, but back then there was this gorgeous, gorgeous red-haired woman in her early to mid-30's who worked there. I became... completely infatuated with her. Turns out she was married, and while part of me said this was wrong, another side of me just didn't care. She was one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen and I flirted often with her and it didn't help that she always welcomed my flirtations openly. She was always smiling and she often dressed very sexy. I just wanted her SO damn badly that I was just unable to control my attraction to this lady. Anyway, our flirtations sometimes became rather intense and one day... she disappeared. I couldn't help but feel that my being so flirty with her had something to do with her possibly leaving her job. I said to myself, "You have nobody to blame but yourself, you had no right to be flirting with a married woman.". While I will never forget her, it's an episode of my life that I think hopefully is something we can all learn from. I guess I should just be glad that I didn't let things escalate beyond flirtations.

[anais.butterfly]

Lesbunny, I think the only thing you can do is validate your friends' feelings and support them. If this person is suffering from a type of dysphoria, you could possibly help with that? I felt dysphoria for a 24 hour period once. It was insane how hard that affected my psyche, so maybe your friend could use help with that?

[Cupcake]

Lesbunny, I think the only thing you can do is validate your friends' feelings and support them. If this person is suffering from a type of dysphoria, you could possibly help with that? I felt dysphoria for a 24 hour period once. It was insane how hard that affected my psyche, so maybe your friend could use help with that?

Yeah, they definitely are. I've been pushing them to go to therapy and talk about it to someone who actually, you know, has training and might be able to help better than just being supportive.

[Thorpe Nuttox]

What is the life satisfaction rate for people who have gotten therapy vs those who have not gotten any therapy?