I'm a masochist. I'm in to extreme bdsm. A few weeks back, I had a really hard day. The day before consisted of hours of running errands, including getting stranded at a therapists office for an hour or so because I needed to get tested to make sure EBT cash benefits were something I needed. All I wanted to do the next day was read. I was withdrawn and suffering because of my condition. I couldn't get myself to do any of my chores that day.
My boyfriend is a sadist. We make a fairly good couple, although I don't think it will end up being a long term relationship. He came home, and we went to get a dresser for our room. When we came back, I went in to move the stuff around in the space, while he was carrying it in with our roommate. I stepped on a plate that was on the floor, that I was supposed to clean up but didn't because I was recovering and re gathering myself from the day before.
Our relationship is not only a romantic one, it's also a 24/7 dominant/submissive relationship. This means that I knew going in that I needed to keep up my half of it; I cook, I clean, I allow him to play with my body when he wants to. "Play" includes pain, sex, pleasure, and in cases where I don't perform my other duties properly, punishment and discipline. I consented coming into the relationship that he had the right to discipline me if I did something wrong, or if he felt that I was being particularly snotty with him.
After I broke the plate, he decided that I needed punishment. I was dizzy, I was terrified, and I was scared. I didn't think I deserved to be punished, because my disabilities prevented me from functioning at a level that was asked. I should have told him before he did anything to me. I should have told him that morning that I wasn't able to function, and that the things he wanted me to do wouldn't be possible. I thought I could fight through it, do my chores, and be ok. I was wrong.
He took a paddle that is 1 and 1/4 inch thick of solid plywood. Think a cricket bat with all but about 8 inches of the flat part off and a handle. He gagged me, because I was going to scream, had me strip, and proceeded to hit me with it on my posterior 10 times. It HURT. I was screaming into the gag in my mouth. I had got a large set of bruises. Afterwards, he held me, told me he was sorry, and that he loved me. I was sobbing and terrified, and tried to pull away from him. He pulled me into his arms until I stopped fighting. I had a panic attack so severe that I passed out for about 3 minutes. We went to get food, walked down to the river, and I proceeded to chain smoke half a pack of cigarettes. We talked a little about it. One of the things he'd accused me of not doing was the laundry, and I informed him that the laundry that was in the basket was really clean. He immediately regretted what he did, and told me that in the future, I would have a chance to defend my actions before punishment. He understood that he had crossed the line. I explained to him that my disabilities had kept me from doing the work I was supposed to. He seemed to understand. He's never had a girlfriend with my particular mix of dysfunctions. He didn't understand why I hadn't done those things.
I've been feeling awful and guilty about this ever since. Not because I did something wrong. Not because I should just be able to get over my problems and do simple housework. No, I feel guilty and awful because I didn't say anything to stop him. I didn't explain the situation. I just let him hit me. I've brought it up a few times. He says that he will never harm me. He says that he'll never just punish me without asking. He says that he isn't coercing me into anything. He says that I knew what I was getting into.
That's true, I did. I consented myself to his rule, because he provided me with an experience. He provided me with a new start and a way out, and I am grateful to him for giving me that.
I did not consent to being beaten when I was so messed up I couldn't function. I took it for granted that he would understand the problems I face day to day, and understand that on those days, he would understand the need to be easy on me. But he didn't. He insists that there is no coercion in our relationship, but "do this or will beat your assistance so hard that you can't sit" is coercion.
I don't object to punishment or discipline when it's earned. If I was feeling 100% ok, and I didn't do stuff because I said "funk him, I'm going to do me today even when I don't need it," I can justify that punishment, because that was our agreement, that was what I consented to. What happened a few weeks back wasn't anything like that. He crossed the line from consent to abuse. What he did was abusive, plain and simple.
I talked to my new therapist today about it. She agrees with me that he was abusive in that instance. Other than that, he's been fine. He's understood that he crossed the line. He's started giving me less to do. I've been upfront with him about my needs, and he understands and tries to cope with them. He does well with things now, and is much better.
It doesn't change what happened though. I still feel torn up inside because I knew what I should have done and I didn't. Not the chores. I should have told him what was happening with me. I feel like if I hadn't been such an idiot, such a coward, I would be fine. I don't think he will cross that line again, because he knows it was traumatizing for me, and I believe that he doesn't want to inflict any more trauma on my already fucked up head. I still trust him. But I feel awful because I didn't do what was necessary to protect myself.
I've been struggling with this for weeks now. Part of me says that I can't trust him. It's the reason why I'm not giddy and excited. It's the reason that I don't love him in the same way I did with Bas; he caused me trauma, and now my heart is wary. It's why I don't see this relationship progressing much, and that I feel like this is just a stepping stone point in my life. I'm taking time to build a new me, better and stronger than before. I won't let him hurt me like that again. I will not be abused. I will not let him cross that line again, and if he does, then I will figure out some way to leave. I did not deserve that. I do not deserve to be abused.
Topic: General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues) (Read 54712 times)