EXTREMELY PERSONAL STUFF, DON'T QUOTE IF YOU REPLY
I've been contemplating GCS(gender confirmation surgery, for those who don't know) a lot the past few days. I'm no where near being ready for it; for one, I don't have the money, and for two, I don't think I'm ready for it physically or mentally. I have that drive for it, definitely. DEFINITELY. I've been trying to comprehend what things will be like, how I'll manage, what things will be like after it happens, and I just can't. I feel like it'll be a huge positive change, but I can't fully comprehend what it will be like, how things will be different. I guess it kind of mirrors the feelings I had when I started HRT, or even when I came out. When I came out, it was a huge relief, but when I was younger, I couldn't comprehend what life would be like. After I got used to living as a woman, and being viewed as one, I started HRT, and it was a huge change. It was another step, one that I wouldn't comprehend, and had no idea how it would work for me. I still had a lot of issues about seeing myself, in a mirror after a shower, for instance, and not seeing who I was. Now, though, I can see myself in the mirror, and things are more congruent with who I am. I don't have dreams and fantasies involving the girl I wish I was, my dreams and fantasies now have ME in them. That is HUGE for me. I think a lot of people dismiss someone being Trans as something like not being happy with their body. When I first expressed dissatisfaction with my genitalia to some of my close friends, they said things that, thinking back, we're really damaging to me. Things like "Would you still think you were a woman if you were more endowed," or just be happy with what you have, everything is ok, there's nothing wrong". Those things put me in a state of mind where I was just unhappy with myself, but it's not that. It's not at all like being unhappy with my body; it's that my body is WRONG.
Through therapy, both hormone and talk, I've come to accept myself more and more. There's still that one problem with my downstairs area, though. To me, it's that glaring obvious problem with myself. It's not a feeling of "I have to receive GCS or I'm not trans"; I know that there is no external pressure for me to change that about myself. At least, I don't feel it. I know that society has certain expectations of me as a transwoman. I still get asked about it in early conversation with people who recently find out I'm trans. It's a preoccupation with a Trans individual's personal business, and that sucks. But it doesn't bother me as much as some people. I tell them that it's not their business, as politely as I can.
But it still bothers me that I have to step out of the shower and be confronted with it every day. That I have to (for my own sanity) take those extra steps to conceal everything. I want GCS, but comprehending what things will be like still baffles me. Not negatively. But it throws me off.