General Psychology Thread (for non-emergency and long-term issues)

[Quantum Vagina]

I fucking hate him. He's such a douchebag fucking asshole bastard. He goes to fucking her. HER. Fuck him.

[Quantum Vagina]

OK! Tonight had an AMAZING night! I talked to a guy off Tinder, figuring, hey, I'll only be in town for a few days, he's cute, let's meet up, have a date, have some fun, awesome. So we met up and went to dinner, and talked a lot. Lots of stuff in common, I felt more comfortable talking after a little bit, and asked him a lot of questions, trying not to hog the date. Phone stayed away all through dinner, which was awesome, because I'd had issues with Bas the past few days, and I was worried that I'd be into that... but nope! Didn't cross my mind once. After dinner, we left and got ice cream, which was crazy because it was freezing, but he thought it was a good idea. We had fun picking out what we'd get, and kind of snuggled a bit closer as we sat waiting for them to give it to us. Then we walked about a bit more, ended up deciding to walk to the Nebraska Furniture Mart near there. On the way, he took my hand, which was a huge unexpected surprise... but not unwelcome at all. Conversation never stopped, we chatted easily the whole night. When we got to the furniture place, we went in, walked around for like 5 minutes before we were told to get out. We ended up walking to the movie theater, stood outside, joking about the titles of movies(There's a Tom Hanks movie out called Bridge of Spies, but it was cut of to Bridge of Spi... so we assumed it was Spiders.) before settling on the Peanuts Movie. Can't remember much about it, as we got intimate, kissing and cuddling and just talking through the whole movie, since we were alone in the theater. We made plans to meet up on Friday and pick things up where we left off.

I really, really fucking needed a night like this. Like seriously. This put my mood through the roof, I feel confident, I feel sexy, I feel so damned good. Fuck Bas, he's a totall douchenozzle for what he did. Fuck his new gal pal. I don't care about them. I had an amazing night, and am planning another on Friday

[soguru]

Good for you Lawful!!!! Sounds like you had one hell of a great evening. It's good to see you're really happy like you are now! Now if only I can figure out how to get even just one date. 

[Quantum Vagina]

So, that's pretty cool. I'm starting to feel like, yeah, maybe I am actually pretty. Bas said it, the guy I went out with Tuesday said it. I feel better and more confident. I care about my appearance and I want to do more dating. Can't wait till this afternoon, seeing him again

[Quantum Vagina]

I get to Tennessee. I walk in. It all hits me. I don't want to do this. I can't do this. I'm a horrible piece of shit and a waste of space. I need to die.

[MartyS (Gromit)]

What happened in TN?  I thought you were getting away from the ones in your family that are crappy to you?

[Quantum Vagina]

I was. But I got here, and I just couldn't stay. And this morning I wanted to say "take me back to Colorado instead"

[Quantum Vagina]

I also found out Ein isn't allowed.

[MartyS (Gromit)]

I also found out Ein isn't allowed.

Well that sucks, sorry to hear that.

[ScottotD]

Firstly I'm sincerely sorry about not being more active on here, I wanted to post on here a lot from the beginning of the year but my depression has basically given me zero mental or psychical motivation for anything but going to work.  The upside is I'm going to work most days and on time which is one less thing to worry about (being fired/money) and I'm slowly chipping away at my credit card debt at least ...downside is I'm living pay to pay and drinking WAY too much still but I've 'obtained' some Xanex so that could do the numbing/time travel job of booze while being cheaper and slightly more healthy.   

What's MOST frustrating is I know what I need to do to improve myself about 50%, not drink as much, go to the gym regularly, reach out to friends, etc, etc and they're all obtainable things but I just have NO ENERGY OR DRIVE ever.


...things brings me to Saturday, it was/is a good day (no AK needed)

1. Was out of bed and out the door before 8am (I usually don't get up until 3)
2. Realised I was an hour early so walked back home and took some turkey out of the freezer for dinner, then walked back
3. Went to a game convention for locally made computer games (alone obviously), almost all of which were WAY better than I expected, some I would happily buy as an app.
4. Chatted to developers and strangers without feeling like a weird alien, it was comfortable and fun
5. Won a book for beating the top score on a awesome Super Smash Brothers/Metroid mash-up game
5. Went to Electronic's Boutique and thought about buying WWE2k16 ...I could have if I didn't *have* to buy booze later (BOOOO)
6. Looked at Pop Vinyl characters I want, overheard a voice say "Dipper Pines" and felt confident enough to ask the 3 tweeny scene girls if they meant Gravity Falls and we talked about Gravity Falls for a while
7. Went home, was happy and not mentally exhausted or kicking myself for dumb things I'd said or ways I'd acted.  Just happy and a little proud of myself
8. Had a few drinks (BOOO) and fell asleep watching The Twilight Zone

Yay! ...Sunday was less positive but you have to celebrate the wins while still pushing forward 

[Quantum Vagina]

On my car ride back with my aunt I try talking to her and explaining that my parents are emotionally and verbally abusive people "I've only ever seen them love and support you." Yeah, that's because they don't want everyone to know what kind of people they are.

But whatever. This is the woman who thinks that there isn't a gendered wage gap and a disproportionate amount of the workforce being white males because her experiences at K-State have been a diverse and equally paid workforce. -_-

[Quantum Vagina]

EXTREMELY PERSONAL STUFF, DON'T QUOTE IF YOU REPLY

I've been contemplating GCS(gender confirmation surgery, for those who don't know) a lot the past few days. I'm no where near being ready for it; for one, I don't have the money, and for two, I don't think I'm ready for it physically or mentally. I have that drive for it, definitely. DEFINITELY. I've been trying to comprehend what things will be like, how I'll manage, what things will be like after it happens, and I just can't. I feel like it'll be a huge positive change, but I can't fully comprehend what it will be like, how things will be different. I guess it kind of mirrors the feelings I had when I started HRT, or even when I came out. When I came out, it was a huge relief, but when I was younger, I couldn't comprehend what life would be like. After I got used to living as a woman, and being viewed as one, I started HRT, and it was a huge change. It was another step, one that I wouldn't comprehend, and had no idea how it would work for me. I still had a lot of issues about seeing myself, in a mirror after a shower, for instance, and not seeing who I was. Now, though, I can see myself in the mirror, and things are more congruent with who I am. I don't have dreams and fantasies involving the girl I wish I was, my dreams and fantasies now have ME in them. That is HUGE for me. I think a lot of people dismiss someone being Trans as something like not being happy with their body. When I first expressed dissatisfaction with my genitalia to some of my close friends, they said things that, thinking back, we're really damaging to me. Things like "Would you still think you were a woman if you were more endowed," or just be happy with what you have, everything is ok, there's nothing wrong". Those things put me in a state of mind where I was just unhappy with myself, but it's not that. It's not at all like being unhappy with my body; it's that my body is WRONG.

Through therapy, both hormone and talk, I've come to accept myself more and more. There's still that one problem with my downstairs area, though. To me, it's that glaring obvious problem with myself. It's not a feeling of "I have to receive GCS or I'm not trans"; I know that there is no external pressure for me to change that about myself. At least, I don't feel it. I know that society has certain expectations of me as a transwoman. I still get asked about it in early conversation with people who recently find out I'm trans. It's a preoccupation with a Trans individual's personal business, and that sucks. But it doesn't bother me as much as some people. I tell them that it's not their business, as politely as I can.

But it still bothers me that I have to step out of the shower and be confronted with it every day. That I have to (for my own sanity) take those extra steps to conceal everything. I want GCS, but comprehending what things will be like still baffles me. Not negatively. But it throws me off.

[MartyS (Gromit)]

You know, most people think that "just be happy with what you have" is good advice, but, is it?  Maybe it was good advice when there was nothing people could do to change their lives, if there really is nothing you can do about something then you should try to learn to accept the situation, but if there are things that you can do about something that is making you miserable people should be encouraging change instead of acceptance.

[anais.butterfly]

LC,

Thank you for being so open with those feelings. I appreciate that you feel you can share such personal things with us. I can never understand how you feel (the closest is that I feel in my soul that I am meant to be thinner than I am but the weight won't come off), but I do like knowing your struggles, ESPECIALLY when you can overcome little bits of them.

[anais.butterfly]

The period-related hormone fluctuations are making this week very hard. Starting at 4:00pm (EST) I am locking myself in my room and not talking to anyone until Monday morning.