If I could take a few minutes to explain

[Smith Dr John Smith]

I know that in light of past actions some people are not happy to see me back here and I understand and I am not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me or change their minds about me I would just like to take a few minutes to explain why I acted the way I did in the past and why I feel things have changed enough that I think the past should be left in the past.

As you may have noticed some times my post have been very erratic,one minute I am happy the next I am cursing people out.

Well in the past few months(with lots of help from some very good doctors)I have been getting treatment for a combination of Asperger syndrome and ADD.  Now I know a lot of people use these as an excuse to get away with being a jerk but I am don't want to get away with anything and I have been tested by four doctors.  Any way there are three main ways these things show up that others can see.

1)I have trouble learning abstract concepts. For instance I can cook like nobody else I know because that is something i can feel and touch and I can test things out but things like spelling where a lot of the rules are abstract give me a ton of trouble.

2)I stress out easily. This leads me to panic and just get pain upset and after i get upset I tend to get mad and the first person to step on my toes get my full wrath even if i know what they did was not that bad.

3)I have a lot of trouble controlling Impulses. Now this may sound like I am just making an excuse for being a jerk and I thought that too for a long time I tried to control this with out meds and look where it got me.  It started out small but other the past few years it has gotten worse,it got to the point last years where I was doing and saying things and not remembering that I did them because I was not thinking about them at all. When I got stressed it got worse and I would say horrid things to people not because I wanted to but because I wouldn't think about it before speaking or typing. I would also do things like move a remote to another room and not remember that I had touched it. Please try to understand that I can do things with out knowing I have done them.

It kept getting worse and worse and I was not on my meds because I was too proud to admit I needed them and with my dad's health problems everyone was focused on that. A lot of people on this forum were right I did need my meds. All this let up to the end of last year. By the end of last summer I had pretty much stopped leaving the house because I just couldn't deal with people,little things like the internet going out at the library would cause me to completely flip out. Then I flipped out here and then I flipped out on my family and that is when I knew I needed help.  I found out that medicaid would pay for doctors and meds so i started seeing doctors and earlier this month they started me on meds.  I am not perfect I know I have some flaws but I am getting better.   It has been three months since I last flipped out on someone in person and I have more or less managed to avoid getting into fight on this forum,I know there have been a couple but i don't t think they have been as bad as the ones in the past and there have been many times when my first impulse was to flip out but I have not and I now have the self control to avoid people and subjects that stress me beyond the breaking point. If you notice I have not gone into the polotics thread once since I came back.  I know I am not perfect and I know that I have done a ton of things wrong in the past but on the other hand I would ask that people would understand that I know this and I have never had a problem admitting when I am in the wrong and I am getting help.

I don't expect this to change anyone's mind about me I am just trying to explain why I left and why I came back.  Thank you for your time.

[Thrifty]

Well I think you seem a little more calm than you did before.  You've acknowledged you have a problem and are getting the help you need to deal with it.  I'm glad to hear that.

There are a several people here with different personalities, and some may be less patient.  I think its inevitable that when you have a group of people some are just going to rub others the wrong way.  I think its important that if you find yourself getting upset and ready to lash out, just wait a while (at least 10 minutes).  If you find that someone seems to go out of their way to antagonize you, or if someone just pisses you off, learn to ignore them.  I think you'll find that as long as you keep calm, most people here will give you a second chance.

[CJones]

Dude, not to worry. This is screwed up people central. I'm not going to name names, but let's just say that quite a few of us have...um.. issues.

(I sure hope that doesn't scare you away.)

[Smith Dr John Smith]

Well I think you seem a little more calm than you did before.  You've acknowledged you have a problem and are getting the help you need to deal with it.  I'm glad to hear that.

There are a several people here with different personalities, and some may be less patient.  I think its inevitable that when you have a group of people some are just going to rub others the wrong way.  I think its important that if you find yourself getting upset and ready to lash out, just wait a while (at least 10 minutes).  If you find that someone seems to go out of their way to antagonize you, or if someone just pisses you off, learn to ignore them.  I think you'll find that as long as you keep calm, most people here will give you a second chance.

yeah thanks.  That is what I am working on,keeping calm and ignoring people.  It's hard to explain why I feel am doing so well to someone who is not in my head but there have been so many times that I felt like flipping out and getting into a flame war since I came back that the fact that I am pretty sure it has only happened three times is a huge step for me.  I know i have a lot of work ahead of me but I feeling much better and I am much calmer now.

thanks for understanding.

[Compound]

Doc, if I may address a different subject...

Can you change your icon? It's confusing the hell out of me to see Pak over there on your posts.

[Tyrant]

For what it's worth, I wasn't happy when you left. It's really hard to tell in typing when something is up with a person and that they aren't trying to be a jerk but they seem that way due to other issues. Pak and I had a niggling suspicion that might have been what was going on with you.

I'm glad you're back and I'm really glad you're getting some help. 

[Smith Dr John Smith]

I would just like to take a minute to thank you all for being so understanding.  Thanks a lot.

[Smith Dr John Smith]

One last thing.  i would just like to say I do understand that some people don't fully trust me. I know that I have said some nasty things in the past that that all of this must sound like a cheap excuse to some people.  All I can say is I guess this is one of those things you can't really understand unless you have lived through it or know someone who has.

I am so sorry for the way I have acted in the past and I can't change that but I can do much better in the future.

Thanks again for your time and understanding.

[LucasM]

Welcome back, Smith Dr John Smith. 

I am very happy to hear that you've gotten help and that you feel more comfortable with you.

While I know it is not the same, having had head injuries, I understand at least some of what you might be going through.  I know what it was like for me to get over my pride in accepting that I needed help (years of running myself into the ground and alienating people because I was 'different'), and what it was like to have limited self-control.  It still happens to me when I've passed my limits.

I don't know if it may help you, but to try to keep myself from going past my limits I have the major reminder for myself taped to the side of my monitor.  If there is a core thing you want to remind yourself of that you occasionally pass by when posting, you could try that.

As both a person with difficulties curtailing some behaviors of my own, and someone who was a former psychologist, I want to congratulate you on recognizing that you needed help and actually getting it.  That takes a lot of internal strength.  As does coming here and explaining to people what was going on, when you understood that some might not be ready, willing, or able, to understand and accept your explanation.  That takes a LOT of guts: Congrats.

And again, welcome back.

[RVR II]

So I take it that this transformation from Doctor Who? to Smith Dr John Smith has made you more better??

[Smith Dr John Smith]

So I take it that this transformation from Doctor Who? to Smith Dr John Smith has made you more better??

As Colin Baker said ...

It's change and it seems not a moment too soon.