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Author Topic: The Entirety of World Knowledge  (Read 7565 times)

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Offline LordZordec

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #15 on: April 13, 2010, 05:36:42 AM »
Celery was discovered in 1378 by a man attempting to poison himself to death by eating the most revolting plant he could find.  After eating it for three days, his blood preasure was remarkably low, his eyesight was sharp, and his bowels were more regular than they had ever been.

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Offline Sharktopus

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #16 on: April 13, 2010, 05:52:43 AM »
Celery was discovered in 1378 by a man attempting to poison himself to death by eating the most revolting plant he could find.  After eating it for three days, his blood preasure was remarkably low, his eyesight was sharp, and his bowels were more regular than they had ever been.

He then celebrated with a Baconator and was dead by the next morning.


Offline Scribblesense

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #17 on: April 13, 2010, 05:02:57 PM »
Celery was discovered in 1378 by a man attempting to poison himself to death by eating the most revolting plant he could find.  After eating it for three days, his blood preasure was remarkably low, his eyesight was sharp, and his bowels were more regular than they had ever been.

He then celebrated with a Baconator and was dead by the next morning.

Each Baconator sandwich is a small seed pod deposited into the world by the great Demonic Bacon Overlord, Bac'Onon'Wif'Ex, first summoned accidentally into our dimension by the great and powerful fast food wizard, Dave Thomas, in 1215. He was attempting to use his vast cosmic powers to end world hunger with the most delicious sandwich ever created but the immortal Trickster MacRonald (believed to be an incarnation of the Norse God Loki) intervened to keep the mortal races weak for the coming Ragnarok. Dave Thomas sacrificed much of his strength to nearly destroy the beast, but it made off into parts unknown to recuperate. Bac'Onon'Wif'Ex has recently resurfaced with the fading of Dave Thomas into the Realm of the Immortals in 2002 (seriously, RIP Dave, you crazy awesome SOB you). The Baconator, when consumed by a mortal, strips them of their soul and restores a drop of power to the great Demonic Bacon Overlord, per MacRonald's scheme to draw Ragnarok ever closer.
« Last Edit: April 13, 2010, 05:06:46 PM by Scribblesense »
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Offline Sharktopus

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #18 on: April 13, 2010, 05:25:44 PM »
Celery was discovered in 1378 by a man attempting to poison himself to death by eating the most revolting plant he could find.  After eating it for three days, his blood preasure was remarkably low, his eyesight was sharp, and his bowels were more regular than they had ever been.

He then celebrated with a Baconator and was dead by the next morning.

Each Baconator sandwich is a small seed pod deposited into the world by the great Demonic Bacon Overlord, Bac'Onon'Wif'Ex, first summoned accidentally into our dimension by the great and powerful fast food wizard, Dave Thomas, in 1215. He was attempting to use his vast cosmic powers to end world hunger with the most delicious sandwich ever created but the immortal Trickster MacRonald (believed to be an incarnation of the Norse God Loki) intervened to keep the mortal races weak for the coming Ragnarok. Dave Thomas sacrificed much of his strength to nearly destroy the beast, but it made off into parts unknown to recuperate. Bac'Onon'Wif'Ex has recently resurfaced with the fading of Dave Thomas into the Realm of the Immortals in 2002 (seriously, RIP Dave, you crazy awesome SOB you). The Baconator, when consumed by a mortal, strips them of their soul and restores a drop of power to the great Demonic Bacon Overlord, per MacRonald's scheme to draw Ragnarok ever closer.

 :clap: :clap: :clap:


Offline LordZordec

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #19 on: April 13, 2010, 06:14:45 PM »
Drats! Youve discovered my plan!!!
(throws down a smokebomb and disappears)
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Offline Steve-O

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #20 on: April 16, 2010, 05:16:52 PM »
And speaking of Baconators:

The All-Time Top Grossing Films for Beef Cattle

1. Sophie's USDA Choice
2. The Loin in Winter
3. Moo Velvet
4. Black Angus in Paris
5. The Prodfather
6. Heifer Been Kissed
7. Good Night, and Ground Chuck
8. The Slaughter House Rules
9. Rambull: First Cud, Part II
10. Bovine to Five
11. Veal Genius
12. Tri-tiptease
13. Lassoblanca
14. The Rocky Mountain Oyster Show
15. The Roast and Mrs. Manure
16. C.U.D.
17. Cowligula
18. Steer and Holstein in Las Vegas
19. Four Stomachs and a Funeral
20. The Tipping Fields
21. Ben Herd
22. The Ruminant


Offline LordZordec

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #21 on: April 16, 2010, 07:31:40 PM »
The pyramids were constructed by an ancient tribe of what came to be Native Americans.  They were intended to be gambling establishments, but with the enormous construction costs, labor union troubles, and impending foreclosure, the entrepenuers dumped the buildings at a loss to the local Pharoah.  Unable to make the casino/hotel sucessful before his death, the Pharoah cut his losses and used the building as a tomb.  The gold ornaments he was buried with was all stuff people had lost gambling, and rather than let his creditors (the Italian mafia) have it, he chose to take it with him to the afterlife.

The tribe of people who constructed the pyramids moved to Siberia, later crossed the landbridge to America, and eventually settled in what is now known as the Southwestern United States.  As a monument to their heritage, the Native American tribe built another Pyramid casino in what is now Las Vegas.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2010, 07:34:51 PM by LordZordec »
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Johnny Unusual

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #22 on: April 18, 2010, 06:55:05 PM »
12 lesser known international criminal organizations:

It seems that crime is something unavoidable in our society. Every culture and even sub-culture seems to have it's own mafia organization.  Though people are familiar with the Mafia, the Yakuza, the Triad and the Russian Mafia (which was just ripping off Mafia classic) there are some lesser known mafias.

1. The Canadian Mafia:  I think we need to get this mafia out of the way because it's clearly the most boring.  Also known as the Maple Mafia, Le Mafia Erable and the Reilists, the Canadian Mafia is known for it's free protection racket, amiable shakedowns and bland, bland hits.  The structure of the family is interesting because it's actually two families.  Since Canada is a bilingual, there's one family for English and another for French.  The Royal Canadian Mounted Police has repeated tried to arrest members of the family, but they have been foiled when the Canadian Mafia politely declined incarceration.


2. The UN Mafia:  Not a criminal organization designed like the United Nations (that would be the World Crime League), but a criminal group within the United Nations.  Select representatives within the United Nations have formed this criminal cadre in order to use connections to commit their crimes without being reprimanded.  Despite the prestige that comes with being a representative, there is actually very little power for the Mafia heads to wield, so they  made do with stealing from the vending machines and reselling them.  They have had recent success, however with both their "escort service" and their "hooker disposal service".

3. The Antarctic Mafia:  All penguins


Offline Sharktopus

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #23 on: April 18, 2010, 07:00:30 PM »
I (very briefly) met John Hodgman at Cinematic Titanic last night. Okay, go back about your business.


Offline LordZordec

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #24 on: April 26, 2010, 05:59:21 AM »
In the midwest, there have recently been sightings of the elusive creature known as the John Hodgeman.  Many scientist do not openly ackowledge his existence (in public at least), but the eyewitness accounts seem to have some common elements that tie them together - a caucasian middle-aged male with stupid glasses and a look that says, "I am better than you - accept it."  This creature was last seen at a Kwik-Mart in Lumberton, Ohio buying a Little Debbie raisin cream pie, an RC cola, off-brand menthol cigarettes, and a Powerball ticket.  He drove off in a mid-90's Honda Civic with a bad green paint job and pealing do-it-yourself tinted windows.

Other, less credible reports indicate that he has grown a ZZ Top beard and taken up chewing snuff.
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Johnny Unusual

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #25 on: April 27, 2010, 08:01:57 AM »
12 lesser known international criminal organizations (continued):

4. The LARP Mafia (AKA the Golden Guild of Felony):  This LARP (or Live Action Role Playing) group was founded when Donald Cho and Erik Edwards  found three other prospective players on Craiglist.  The Players decided that the theme for their guild would be crime family.  Their crimes started small: bootleg potions of major healing, cape fencing and fixing gladiator and Quiddich matches.  As time went on, the group grew in both levels and confidence and they began to get involved in more serious crimes, though their most fruitful was dwarf poaching: killing dwarves for their ivory tusks and leaving the rest behind to rot.  With the game being on the wane after a rash of poachings, the Golden Guild of Felony has now found itself enemies in both the local parental watchdog groups (who suspect the gang to be worshipping Satan and "on the dope") and the ASPCIA (the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Imaginary Animals).  That said, Guild head hides his activities behind a mask of legitimacy, claiming to be in Haste Management (where he handles the distribution of Haste Potions), though anyone could tell you that Donald "the Drow" Cho and Erik "the Rules Nazi" Edwards are have their thumbs in many pretend pies.


Offline LordZordec

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #26 on: July 21, 2010, 03:06:25 PM »
The least expensive theater release movie ever produced was a 1973 snoozer called "The Way it Was" (aka "Cracker Love Triangle" in Greece and "Blue Peaceful Mountain Cowboy" in Japan) starring Ben Murphy and a lesser known actress named Tonya Stevens - she changed her name after the release of this movie and went into hiding.  Her current werabouts are unknown.  Not only did this film "star" Ben Murphy, but the film was also written, directed, and produced by Ben Murphy.  Ben plays a lonely piano teacher in North Dakota named Danny who strikes up a quirky romance with Lita, a book store owner played by Tonya.  Aside from Tonya, Ben was his own supporting actor, playing a bad makeup, fake mustache Mexican character known as Jose who was the half brother of the Danny and who also loved Lita.  In the end, the two brothers reconsile their differences and go on a roadtrip to Vegas with each other.

Sunnyside Productions, the only studio stupid enough to take on such a project, later sued Ben Murphy for the cost of production, the money they had paid him to act in it, and for punitive damages for the horrible scar on the company's reputation.  Therefore, Ben had to pay the studio a total of $2,345.26, effectively making the cost of production -$12.46.
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Johnny Unusual

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #27 on: July 22, 2010, 08:01:44 AM »
12 lesser known international criminal organizations (continued):

5.  The Waste Management Mafia:  These people actually are in waste management.  You can tell since they are smellier than the regular mafia.

6. The Hippie Mafia:  Wanted for selling counterfeit love beads, and bootleg tie-dye T-shirts.  Though they are a non-violent gang, their filth and smelliness makes them hard to approach and arrest.


Offline AmazingThor

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #28 on: July 22, 2010, 08:19:33 AM »
12 discontinued Oscar categories:

1. Best Catering. This important, yet often overlooked service is considered by many to be the backbone of the moviemaking industry. From 1945 to 1973 a statue was given to the film with the best catering service. Eventually this category was dropped as many argued that it had become little more than a popularity contest.
2. Best Performance by an extra. This category was only awarded one year when it went to the guy who exposes his wang in the background of the pep rally scene in Teen Wolf.
3. Most Patriotic Film. A special category created by order of President Eisenhower, this award went to the film that best promoted the ideals of America. Discontinued in 1985 when it was determined that "Rocky IV" had assured American victory for all time.
4. Best Performance by an Animal. Begun in 1957 by the popularity of Old Yeller, this prestiguous award continued until 1992 when it was disbanded after mistakenly being award to Marissa Tomei.


Johnny Unusual

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #29 on: July 23, 2010, 09:16:54 AM »
5. Best Fisting:  I think the reason for discontinuation is obvious, but I'll elaborate: fisting.

6. Film Who Spent the Most Money on Trying to Sway the Judges:  Discontinued due to redundance with the Best Picture Category.  SOCIAL COMMENTARY!