Author Topic: The Entirety of World Knowledge  (Read 7564 times)

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Johnny Unusual

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The Entirety of World Knowledge
« on: March 09, 2010, 08:12:59 PM »
Being a fan of John Hodgman, I was inspired to start this thread, which promises to encapsulate the entirety of world knowledge.  Basically, it's all about making up facts and stuff.  Basically, this involves making lists, creating fake trivia and just trying to educate people in an amusing way.  Let's begin:


There are times in everyone's life where a death race must be held.  Whether it's to win the hand of your true love, to spite a rival who once humiliated or simply for insurance reasons, a death races are necessary dispute-mediating measures in modern society.  But how does won win a death race?  That we will cover later in a chapter on Death Race strategy, but I will say that one valid strategy is to pick a good location.
 
7 Great Places to Hold a Death Race:

1. San Francisco: Yes, I'm aware that this is also one of the Great Places to Hold a Car Chase, but you've got to expect some overlap.  The cities many hills make for an exciting chase and even if all drivers survive, odds are that you've hit a pedestrian or two, so you'll all be able to agree that it did count as a death race.  I personally recommend that you plan the death route for the race.  General rule of thumb: the more downhill, the better.

2. The Great Loop:  This quasi-natural formation was the inspiration for popular children's toys like Hot Wheels, Micro Machines and Big Plastic Round Thing. Originally a normal stretch of road on Route 66, it was nothing special, until an unusually powerful heatwave actually curdled the road into the shape of a perfect loop.  Thousands of people each year die trying to make the loop, and while thousands more make it, the first thousand is usually done in by need to pee or a rabbit crossing the road at the highest part of the loop. Though a safety hazard, no one repaired the road or created a detour simply because the novelty of it was so attractive and because it is the perfect shape for hypnotizing people who would otherwise be against the structure into compliance (keep in mind hypnotism is a valid Death Race strategy).  The perfect strategy for this one is just to not attempt the loop, but rather invite the opponent to a meal of watermelon and soup before the rest and let nature's call finish off your enemy.

(Please continue)


Offline Bus Taker

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2010, 11:44:03 PM »
Oh, I get it!!!

3. Route 17 in Paramus, NJ: it's a freeway, it's a bunch of very active driveways, it's a friggin game off bumper cars!
4. I-5 in Lynnwood, WA (just north of Seattle): Looping crossover ramps where you can build up plenty of speed and tailgating on those ramps is commonplace.
5. Triboro Bridge in NYC: a masterful clusterf*** of overlapping ramps, a lot can be done in a confined area!
6.....
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Offline Scribblesense

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2010, 05:38:43 PM »
6. State Route 216 in Hawaii state, also known as "Volcano Road":

Commissioned in the early 60's, this highway was to connect the eight main islands in the Hawaiian archipelago. It was an ambitious project headed by Victor Strauss, a nuclear physicist and engineer once involved in the Manhattan Project and believed to have been linked to a number of other secret projects begun by the US Military. Little is known about Strauss, as it is believed he was scrubbed from history in a massive cover-up orchestrated by the government he once served. His ideas and methods were radical, but he was nothing short of a genius.

The road itself is a technological marvel, even by today's standards, running along the ocean floor and through many active undersea volcanic hotspots. It is believed Strauss agreed to so mundane a task because he was to be paid under the table by prominent and wealthy pirates operating in the Pacific Ocean; Strauss would build a number of secret passages and drain existing seafloor caverns to use as hideouts for the pirate gang. However, the ambitious engineer soon got out of hand with his designs, creating more elaborate and dangerous structures that were nearly impossible to navigate and highly unstable. Several tunnels collapsed and the ones that are still intact run beside rivers of lava or are in constant threat of flooding.

While the US Government has managed to seal off the major entry points, there are many that were never put on the map and for a substantial fee the pirates who are still active in the area will show thrillseekers to the hidden caverns and tunnels. It should be noted that Route 216 has a 98% mortality rate, and should only be attempted by Race enthusiasts who have a definite and insatiable death wish.

(Am I doing this right?)
« Last Edit: March 18, 2010, 05:40:17 PM by Scribblesense »
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Johnny Unusual

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2010, 08:32:05 PM »
You are both doing it right.

7.  The Marianas Trench:  Famous for being a really big hole in the ocean with crazy fish, this is an excellent place for a death race, but not a car death race: a submarine death race.  The trick here is to let the opponent win as the water pressure should end up destroying him.  Plus, if he survives, then you can just hit him with missiles*.  The tricky part is if he has the same idea.  Then it's just the two of you waiting for the other to go first.  And don't start shooting missiles if that does happen.  This is, after all, a death race.  I have no advice for anyone engaging in pure undersea combat... in this chapter.    Another advantage: there are some scary fish down there, which may cuase your opponent to panic and crash.  To avoid the same fate, wear a blindfold and use a submarine that was designed for a blind person (they will have Braille on the "Go Down" and "Go Up" Buttons)


Pictured: Scary-ass and (hopefully) opponent destroying fish.

*Please note that none of this works if your opponent is manning one of Victor Strauss's super-subs!

Next list (and I'll keep it short so someone else can start a new list who isn't me):

6 Great Karaoke Picks for People With a Stuttering Problem:

1. "Ch-Ch-Changes" by David Bowie
2. "Satisfaction" by Devo
3. "He's a Pig with a Badge: the theme to the film Porky Pig" by Isaac Hayes (a popular pigsploitation film of the 70's)
(please continue)


Offline Sharktopus

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2010, 11:09:34 PM »
3. Route 17 in Paramus, NJ: it's a freeway, it's a bunch of very active driveways, it's a friggin game off bumper cars!

Don't forget the NJ drivers.  :speechless:


Offline LordZordec

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2010, 05:44:32 PM »
1826 - The Adminission of the State of New Jersey into the Union

For some years, people in the cities of Philadelphia, New York, Wilmington, and Wilkes-Barre had been disposing on their garbage and sewage by simply throwing into the various rivers and tributaries in the area, or even directly into the ocean.  Either way, the slurry of toxic chemicals, feces, dead animals, Wawa coffee cups, and styrofoam ended up in the ocean eventually.  In 1782, the beaches in Philadelphia and Trenton were closed permanentlty as the concentration of waste made it neither desirable or practical to swim in the waters of the Atlantic anymore.  In fact, by 1790, one would have to walk a full mile from the beach in Philadelphia to get to the ocean.  However, the wasteful and destructive pollution continued, and the mounds of waste continue to settle and grow offshore until the turn of the century when the Atlantic Ocean had been pushed back a full 50 miles from its original location.

Land developers who had lost a fortune selling beach houses along the 1-95 "Coastal Highway" as it was then known came up with a new ingenious plan to aleviate overcrowding in the cities and provide affordable housing to lower income families.  In 1812, while the war with the Brittish raged on, a draft dodger by the name of Eaten L. Jersey, Jr. began developing condos, 50-plus communities, and row homes on the former useless pile of impacted waste.  Though slow to start, people began migrating by the thousands to the unnamed land mass, using poorly documented adjustable rate mortgage loans to buy their dream home.  Until that time, few ventured to the edge of the water for fear of falling through the yet unstable garbage/feces land mass or stepping on a rusty needle.  However during the hurricane of 1820, the garbage was solidified, and the coast covered in sand again.

In 1826, after a bitter legal battle between Pennsylvania and New York as to who would have to take on the burden of annexing this nameless land mass, it was decided that neither was willing to do so, and so it became its own state.  In Newark at certain times of year, if you inhale deeply enough, you can still smell the toxic slurry that originally formed this small state.
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Offline Bus Taker

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2010, 11:34:41 PM »
Being from NJ... I have to admit this is pretty funny!

1826 - The Adminission of the State of New Jersey into the Union

For some years, people in the cities of Philadelphia, New York, Wilmington, and Wilkes-Barre had been disposing on their garbage and sewage by simply throwing into the various rivers and tributaries in the area, or even directly into the ocean.  Either way, the slurry of toxic chemicals, feces, dead animals, Wawa coffee cups, and styrofoam ended up in the ocean eventually.  In 1782, the beaches in Philadelphia and Trenton were closed permanentlty as the concentration of waste made it neither desirable or practical to swim in the waters of the Atlantic anymore.  In fact, by 1790, one would have to walk a full mile from the beach in Philadelphia to get to the ocean.  However, the wasteful and destructive pollution continued, and the mounds of waste continue to settle and grow offshore until the turn of the century when the Atlantic Ocean had been pushed back a full 50 miles from its original location.

Land developers who had lost a fortune selling beach houses along the 1-95 "Coastal Highway" as it was then known came up with a new ingenious plan to aleviate overcrowding in the cities and provide affordable housing to lower income families.  In 1812, while the war with the Brittish raged on, a draft dodger by the name of Eaten L. Jersey, Jr. began developing condos, 50-plus communities, and row homes on the former useless pile of impacted waste.  Though slow to start, people began migrating by the thousands to the unnamed land mass, using poorly documented adjustable rate mortgage loans to buy their dream home.  Until that time, few ventured to the edge of the water for fear of falling through the yet unstable garbage/feces land mass or stepping on a rusty needle.  However during the hurricane of 1820, the garbage was solidified, and the coast covered in sand again.

In 1826, after a bitter legal battle between Pennsylvania and New York as to who would have to take on the burden of annexing this nameless land mass, it was decided that neither was willing to do so, and so it became its own state.  In Newark at certain times of year, if you inhale deeply enough, you can still smell the toxic slurry that originally formed this small state.
"I can't complain but sometimes I still do, life's been good to me so far." - Joe Walsh


Offline Sharktopus

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2010, 03:58:49 AM »
Fun fact: The town of East Orange, NJ, is founded on strata composed of 80% Wawa cups and 20% Slippery When Wet cassettes.
« Last Edit: March 25, 2010, 02:51:31 PM by Sharky Kong »


Johnny Unusual

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2010, 07:16:11 AM »
6 Great Karaoke Picks for People With a Stuttering Problem continued:

4. "The Thong Song" by Cisco (yes, the one from Star Trek: Deep Space 9)
5. Any song that has trouble loading up.  You may want to mess around with the Karaoke machine to see if you can make it happen.
6. "All by Myself" By Eric Carmen (Mostly, because it makes the song sound even more sad.)


Offline rock333

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2010, 03:02:31 AM »
Hey...this is a wonderful website buddy and an informative post!!! i am new here and i found this site very interesting and informative ,, you are a professional person i think i have a great interest in such things...thank you for the post buddy and keep on posting nice stuff like this :)
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Offline RoninFox

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2010, 03:24:04 AM »
Hey...this is a wonderful website buddy and an informative post!!! i am new here and i found this site very interesting and informative ,, you are a professional person i think i have a great interest in such things...thank you for the post buddy and keep on posting nice stuff like this :)
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It has been documented that this exact post had appeared on every single forum and message board on the entire internet with the exception of one dedicated to defenestration fetishes.  Its purpose has yet to be determined.
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Johnny Unusual

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #11 on: April 12, 2010, 06:26:30 AM »
Hey...this is a wonderful website buddy and an informative post!!! i am new here and i found this site very interesting and informative ,, you are a professional person i think i have a great interest in such things...thank you for the post buddy and keep on posting nice stuff like this :)
________________________________

It has been documented that this exact post had appeared on every single forum and message board on the entire internet with the exception of one dedicated to defenestration fetishes.  Its purpose has yet to be determined.

OK, that was a wonderfully smooth and effortless response that tied in perfectly to the theme of the subject matter.  Good job.


Offline Thrifty

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2010, 07:36:33 AM »
I just bought his audio book More Information Than You Require, from Audible.  It's great.  I love how he doesn't just read; he performs.  There's some great comedic play between him and Jonathan Coulton, and occassionally Paul Rudd.  I really liked the running gag about how Jonathan is feral.

When he started reading "It Happened Today In The Past", I didn't think he'd actually go through an entire year, but he did.  Decent stuff, but kinda repetetive.  The 700 Moleman Names have the same problem.


Offline Thrifty

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #13 on: April 12, 2010, 07:38:01 AM »
FASCINATING BUT TRUE:  Celery is not actually a food.  It is actually a building material in the plywood family.  It even tries to warn you not to eat it with its revolting taste.


Offline Sharktopus

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Re: The Entirety of World Knowledge
« Reply #14 on: April 12, 2010, 01:10:16 PM »
The substance we know as "celery" is actually refined by Doozers from an plentiful ore found only in Fraggle Rock.