I sure am shortsighted about everything. Now hand me those shares of AT&T, I'd like to blow my nose on them.
That was one of my favorites. Here's a few more (sorry if they're repeats). Some are paraphrased, couldn't jot them down fast enough I was laughing too hard:
Old lady to Paxton: "Am I going to have to gut you like a fish?"
The dogs: "Kibbles and bits! Kibbles and bits! Kibbles and bits!" (reminded me of the "Snausages!" line from the first Harry Potter riff)
Astor: "Who's Freud? A passenger?"
Riff: "Is his mustache bigger than mine?"
"You left this morning without saying goodbye to my money. Was very rude"
Rose: "I was leaning over to see..."
Riff: "The matinee we hit."
"Does Rose want a cookie?"
Cal: "It was made for royalty."
Riff: "Like a queen. Or a pimp." (how he says it is what really gets me on this one)
"I could give you a walrus if you wanted one."
"I call this one pit beard."
*Astor and the Captain are arguing about turning all the engines on"
Riff: *chicken noises* "What was that?" "Nothing"
"Watch me nail this seagull."
*Leo descends the grand staircase*
"Please no one bring up Growing Pains, please no one bring up Growing Pains."
"Hey, it's that twerp from Growing Pains!"
Lord and Lady Gaga (and, of course, all the Pa-pa-poker face bits)
*after Cal topples the table*
"Guess he didn't like the muffin."
"Best go beat God's good will into him."
"Man, chucking someone overboard shouldn't be this easy."
*Rose shows Jack the diamond*
"It's called Paxton's Folly."
"Man, that book of French nudie girls I bought is really paying off!"
"Dear diary, today I saw boobies."
"He drew me for 70 years."
"Meanwhile, at the Monopoly party."
"I've poisoned your tea again Captain."
"Quick, into Molly Brown's changing roomOH DEAR GOD NO!"
*Rose and Jack run from the guy in the engine room*
"Why does everyone run from me? Am I really so terrifying?"
*Rose's orgasm hand*
"The loneliest high five ever."
"They're looking for the film's editors, seems they've disappeared."
"There's a ladder on this thing, we can get down!"
"And find those meddling teens!"
The iceberg cam
*as the iceberg approaches*
"Come on global warming, start working!"
"Perhaps I shouldn't have made the ship out of balsa wood. Oh well, back to the crossword."
"Early water parks were treacherous, dangerous places."
"Damn it Indy just leave you hat behind!"
"Hang on... we're in the ocean!?"
"And start blaming this on the Jews."
"I'm going to moon the living hell out of you."
"Can we bring me record collection?"
"For the last time, no!"
"Huh, looks like rain."
"My cat got out, I've got no time for this."
"And now a whale is mating with the ship. Great."
"Please, please, I have to live, I just bought a couch!"
"If they were dressed up in lobster costumes this would make a great Japanese game show."
*Captain looks at all the water rushing on the ship*
"Eh, I've had better days."
"The immigrant has a knife! Shoot him"
"The immigrant's cut the rope! Why hasn't anyone shot him yet!?"
"It's raining men, hallelujah!"
"Does anyone here speak the language of the dolphins?"
"Where the hell's that omelet I ordered?"
And so many more.
Man, this was a huge riff.