Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)

[LucasM]

Shit, I just realized Medieval Times missed a great opportunity not serving Serf n Turf.

They might have only been able to do that with Jeffrey Dahmer as head chef.

Dressed in his Hawaii'an shirt, shorts, and flip-flops, he'd look normal when calling waiters for the prepared food:  "SERF's UP!"  Then, to cover the full pun, they'd have to serve it on a bed of sod (or I suppose, rewashable Astroturf).

[Quirk]

A man's sitting on the couch watching TV. Suddenly, his dog rockets into the room and starts ravenously chomping down a rubber eraser on the floor.

Dumbfounded, the man screams, "Rufus, you stupid dog! Why the hell would you eat an eraser?!"

With a pained rasp, the dog replies, "Because the pencil was a mistake!"

[LucasM]

I came up with this recently...


 I was reading a famous short story by Oscar Wilde. In it, an aristocrat has a black and white painting made of him. The artist promoted his work beforehand by saying that there are "half a hundred" sins which the man could engage in, and the picture would absorb them, as long as he didn't ever look at the painting.

The man bought the painting, and engaged in light bondage with assorted companions. The painting was entangled, and contorted in response. After years of this, the picture was accidentally exposed, and he was aghast. There were now "half a hundred" gradations from the white to the black areas in the portrait:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

These were The 50 Shades of Dorian Grey.

[LucasM]

Great one- two-liner I just saw on Facebook:

"I spent all day talking to a dolphin. We just seemed to click."