Author Topic: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)  (Read 13581 times)

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Offline TheRealUncleDes

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Re: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)
« Reply #60 on: May 08, 2016, 02:07:58 PM »
Why did Cthulhu get up at 530am every day?

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I don't find Stratton and Varney funny.
Doesn't make me a bad person.


Offline Miku Fan

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Re: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)
« Reply #61 on: May 20, 2016, 09:43:45 PM »
Q.  How many light bulbs does it take to screw a customer? 
A. 1


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Offline LucasM

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Re: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)
« Reply #62 on: September 05, 2016, 08:43:14 PM »
Modified (i.e. improved  ;) ) from an original I saw on Facebook...


Scientists have been working tirelessly for years to grow human vocal cords in a petrie dish.  During a recent press conference, the lead scientist on the project was asked, "Sir, the world is eager to know: have you succeeded?"

The lead scientist paused, then said, "well...  I think our results speak for themselves, don't they?"
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Offline LucasM

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Re: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)
« Reply #63 on: September 23, 2016, 04:57:21 PM »
Thought of this today...


 Aladdin was cursed with a serious disease, that was both mystical and biological in nature. For that reason, he figured out it would require both the help of his genie friend, and a drink made from the finest healing herbs . . .

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Offline Johnny Unusual

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Re: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)
« Reply #64 on: September 27, 2016, 08:56:45 PM »
Who had the first hot take?

Prometheus!


Offline TheRealUncleDes

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Re: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)
« Reply #65 on: October 29, 2016, 05:04:10 PM »
Gardener friend wanted me to help him transport manure to his house. So I sat in the back of his truck with a bucket of dung as he went over the bumpy road. I was pretty mad when he hit the first bump doing 40, then the second bigger one at 50, and on the third one I totally lost my shit.
I don't find Stratton and Varney funny.
Doesn't make me a bad person.


Offline LucasM

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Re: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)
« Reply #66 on: April 01, 2017, 07:59:19 PM »
A new one of mine:

 Sadly, Superman's dog developed a parasitic infection. It required a unique radioactive treatment regimen originating on their home planet . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the infection was Kryptosporidium.
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Offline LucasM

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Re: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)
« Reply #67 on: July 12, 2017, 07:19:11 PM »
Just watched all the way through the Netflix 'series' The Standups, with six different comedians with 30 minute sets.  Oddly (to me, at least) they chose the single NON-funny one as the first one in the queue!  However, the rest of them had me laughing out loud at least at one point during their set, sometimes many times during the set.  For ME, for a stand-up, that's quite an accomplishment.

At any rate, one of them, Beth Stelling (episode 5), had a couple lines that were so good I wrote them down (the first one just the key point of a one-liner).

She had her IUD taken out, and she referred to the doctor who did this as "OB/GYN Kenobi".  ;D

The second was a short story.  She said (semi-paraphrased), "my mom just had a hysterectomy . . .  it's really a bummer because my childhood home is gone."  :D  ;D
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Offline RVR II

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Re: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)
« Reply #68 on: August 19, 2017, 04:27:22 PM »
How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
🌕🌑🌝ECLIPSE it! :rimshot:


Offline LucasM

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Re: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)
« Reply #69 on: November 21, 2017, 11:52:54 AM »
Deep Thought for the Day:

In a wildlife conservatory I was hired to put trousers on a mountain lion. I initially proposed this to them because I thought it would make the cougar appear less threatening. Sure enough, when I came face to face with it . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I thought I would puma pants!
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Offline LucasM

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Re: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)
« Reply #70 on: December 07, 2017, 03:16:27 AM »
My Deep Thought for the Day:

It’s December 7th again.

Every year I make sure I commemorate Pearl Harbor Day in an appropriate manner.

I wake up early, shelter myself in my house, and at precisely 7:48am I start to get bombed.
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Offline LucasM

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Re: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)
« Reply #71 on: December 12, 2017, 06:01:06 PM »
LucasM's Deep Thought of the Day:

After a long day of fighting the bizarre criminals of Gotham City, Batman slowly drove the Batmobile into the Batcave.  He was horrified by what he saw: on every stone surface were bright sponge-painted images of The Joker, The Penguin, Cat Woman, The Riddler, and the rest of his rogues gallery!

He saw Alfred off in a corner, apparently putting the last touches on this horrific paint job.  After his day, he was too tired to be as enraged as he knew he normally would be.  He approached his faithful butler, with the intent of finding out just what he had done.

Alfred said, "Hello sir, I hope tonight's efforts were productive?"

"Yes, Alfred, but what have you done to the Batcave?"

"Well, sir, I have been binge-watching home improvement shows, and this was mentioned as a way to revitalize the feeling of areas that seemed dark and boring."

Bruce got a look of almost annoyed utter confusion on his face, and said, "I don't understand: what are you talking about?  What could possibly possess you to put the images of those I have vowed to fight completely surrounding me?"

Alfred looked confused, "well, sir, they said that it could improve one's mood..."

"WHAT could, Alfred?!"

Alfred said, proudly, "Why, foe finishes, of course!"
To dispel some of the misconceptions about head injuries you have developed from watching movies and TV, read this: ...Some Information on Head Injury Effects


Offline Darth Geek

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Re: Favorite Jokes & Riddles (your own if possible)
« Reply #72 on: December 12, 2017, 06:52:33 PM »
LucasM's Deep Thought of the Day:

After a long day of fighting the bizarre criminals of Gotham City, Batman slowly drove the Batmobile into the Batcave.  He was horrified by what he saw: on every stone surface were bright sponge-painted images of The Joker, The Penguin, Cat Woman, The Riddler, and the rest of his rogues gallery!

He saw Alfred off in a corner, apparently putting the last touches on this horrific paint job.  After his day, he was too tired to be as enraged as he knew he normally would be.  He approached his faithful butler, with the intent of finding out just what he had done.

Alfred said, "Hello sir, I hope tonight's efforts were productive?"

"Yes, Alfred, but what have you done to the Batcave?"

"Well, sir, I have been binge-watching home improvement shows, and this was mentioned as a way to revitalize the feeling of areas that seemed dark and boring."

Bruce got a look of almost annoyed utter confusion on his face, and said, "I don't understand: what are you talking about?  What could possibly possess you to put the images of those I have vowed to fight completely surrounding me?"

Alfred looked confused, "well, sir, they said that it could improve one's mood..."

"WHAT could, Alfred?!"

Alfred said, proudly, "Why, foe finishes, of course!"
Lucas, I'm going to start slapping you now. And I may never stop.