Awesome, reminds me of my cousin. These had me rolling:
"The omission of Eddie from the text amounts to dangerous revisionist history on the part of the publishers, who I assume are probably really big fags who listen to Warrant."
and
"No one knows what became of the Indians, but legend has it that while under heavy White Man attack, they took refuge in casinos on the remote plains and barricaded themselves behind rows of progressive jackpot slot machines, where many remain to this day. "
Priceless.