Fireriffs - Invasion of the Bee Girls
I started watching this at work during down time, then quickly stopped it. To my surprise, this movie is nothing but a cavalcade of naked woman who are now my mom's age. Good on Fireriffs for taking a swing at pure, unapologetic smut. I appreciate the audacity required to riff your way through a gang rape scene (even going so far as to critique the assailants on technique). Well done.
-(Naked woman dismounts a motorcycle) My clothes just vaporized off of my body.
-(Woman prepares for bed, loudly blows nose) Oh, good. 'Cause we missed her wiping her ass in the bathroom.
-(As woman applies cold cream to her still HEAVILY MADE-UP face) We replaced this woman's cold cream with grease paint. Let's watch...
-"I'm allergic to cigarette smoke." It makes me break out in Emphysema.
-Now entering hour three of their foreplay. (It literally took them the entirety of Scheherazade to undress.)
Fireriffs - The Incredible Hulk: The Beast Within
I was confused when David Banner changed into the Hulk instead of just weeping at people, but then I realized I wasn't watching Highway to Heaven. Those two shows, along with The Fugitive, Kung Fu, and everything else in the lonely drifter TV genre, are VERY similar. I spent most of this episode hitting my head against the wall trying to figure out why I knew the actress who played the zoo-doctor love interest. (Turns out I know her as Ray Pruit's* boozy mom on Beverly Hills 90210, though she's in a ton of other things.) But when I wasn't getting mad at all the unlabeled files in my brain, I was enjoying all the well-written jokes and smart observations coming from Scott. Here are some that I had the presence of mind to write down.
-"Dr. David Banner..." Impatient numbnuts who experimented on himself.
-Zookeeper interviewing Banner: "I wanna be sure you treat [the animals] right." I've been extra careful since I fired that Michael Vick guy.
-That guy in the gorilla suit is escaping.
-"Now, Claudia, you know you're more susceptible to criticism than most." Because you're a woman and less smart than a man.
-Why is he always running away? He's the hulk. [as Hulk] Help! Small shrill woman!
-(The Hulk hides in the tiger's den with a tiger cub on its lap.) He fell asleep after eating the first three.
-(During the really shitty transformation sequence) I wonder if this is what it's like when Chris Gaines turns back into Garth Brooks.
-(Guy who's always chasing the Hulk) "It's killed two people." So did O.J. Simpson. What's your point?
-(Gorilla climbs on the bars of his cage) He's not trying to get out. He's just mad he never got paid for that glue endorsement.
*"'Pruit' with one 'T'. That's all my momma could afford." That's how that dumbass character introduced himself. In the following season, I wanna say season 7, an episode opens with Jamie Walters' name amongst the guest star credits with "as Ray Pruitt" below it. Come on, 90210! Crack open your show bible once in a while.
One Wall Cinema – G.I. Joe: The Cartoon and not the Channing Tatum one.
Although I've never seen this movie, I sure did own a lot of toys from it. G.I. Joes were my favorite action figures because they were the most flexible. Or so I thought, because I pretty consistently snapped that goddamn rubber band that held them together. But then I just wanted another one. Watching this movie made me want to play with G.I. Joes but probably because it would divert my attention from this movie.
Lt. Falcon is a straight up, Cosby-style rapist, you guys!
-(Re: the somewhat fabulous nature of the opening credits) Nothing says Great American Hero like a third grade girl's glitter project.
-[I enjoyed all the riffs regarding the Broadcast Energy Transmitter and the many references that its initials inspire.]
-[I also enjoyed all the mockery of Cobra Commander's post-tracheotomy voice.]
-If this movie teaches us anything, it's that incompetent people will always find their ways into positions of power despite glaring evidence that they have the brains of a dead ficus. [This one hurts nowadays.]
-"When the spores burst, they will reduce all of humanity into mindless beasts." Like an organic Facebook? [Ditto the hurting with this one.]
-And now a word from our sponsor... Hasbro.
-(Cobra Foot soldier looks at a newspaper while other foot soldiers gets Shanghai'd) A-R-O-C-B... Man these jumbles are hard.
Film Roasters – Laser Mission
As shitty movies go, I found this one watchable. Not good. Not even a little bit good. But it moved along at a steady clip... until they got lost in the god-damn desert. All the rapid-fire quipping from the Film Roasters helped.
- (Ernest Borgnine’s credit) So the action will involve batter dipping.
- [LOBSTER BOY from Space Mutiny is in this! And the Sting-looking guy! Did I miss any others?]
Laser Mission: The movie that hates you.
-(Brandon Lee to woman with ample exposed cleavage) "I'm just someone who wants to help you find your father." I can see he's not down your shirt.
-(When ALL of the bad guys' bullets fail to hit Brandon Lee) Apparently he's in God mode.
-(SIMILARLY, Brandon Lee fires a gun that's barely aimed at a henchmen, killing him.) He's using aim assist.
-(When bad guy's jeep hits a fruit stand AND THEN GOES FLYING INTO THE AIR) He's run afoul of one of Cuba's many street-side stunt ramp salesman.
-Edited by a Gibbon!
-(After their getaway vehicle is blown, it cuts to our heroes a safe distance away. No visual explanation of their escape was provided.)
-Good thing we had that matter transporter installed in the van.
-"What's for dinner?" "Sand." Anakin Skywalker storms out of the theater.
-(Horse neighs right as a guy dies) He has an empathic connection to his horse.
Ice on Mars – Day of the Triffids (w/ School for Ted)
This film was brought up in a class I took in college about sexuality in horror pictures, but, for the life of me, I can't recall why. Were the triffids terribly phallic looking? If so, those phalluses are in serious need of some kind of ointment 'cause those are some jacked-up lookin' wieners. The movie begins with everybody going blind which is an interesting premise that gets abandoned because... I mean, we paid for all these triffid costumes. AND it came with a confusing and upsetting educational short from yesteryear. As MST has taught us, pretty much every old educational short from yesteryear is confusing and upsetting.
Short - School for Ted:
-“The School Secretary helps the principal in many ways.” For instance, right now he’s crouched under the desk.
-Time to check on the retards, I guess. (Offensive, but purposefully so, so I’ll allow it.)
-What the hell are they playing? I don’t know but the black kids are clearly better at it.
Day of the Triffids:
-(RE: D.C. is in ruins) It’s actually unaffected by the blindness epidemic. This is just a Tuesday there.
- Blind flight attendant to blind pilot: “What shall I tell the passengers?” Tell ‘em we had to turn off the lights… and the Sun.
-It was broken into two parts, so the second part began with a funny previously on (in which a guy pours tea).
-(People being led around) Heil, Hitler...Heil, Hitler...Heil, Hitler...
-Maybe he's gonna tango every single hostage out one by one
-(Over a fake looking shot of a burning city in ruins) Don't touch the matte painting. It's hot.
-(Little girl to horse, "You're a good boy.") I dub thee gluey.
-(Creepy dude looks at little girl who's crying into a lady's bosom.) Save some for daddy, unibrow.
-Enjoyed the fire song medley during the finale.
-(Spoiler alert: When the Triffids get dissolved into mud) Looks like the floor of my frat house bathroom
Ice on Mars – Lizzie Maquire Movie
I vaguely remember watching this movie on DVD with my niece back when it came out. She said it was "Weewee good" because she was four at the time and had "twouboo wif awws". In addition to being bad at talking, she was a sadistic liar. The only thing I could remember about this thing was when she was singing into a hairbrush in the beginning. I think it was at that moment that I gave up on paying attention and just meditated silently as this movie played in front of my unfocused eyes. A worthy target for riffing and IOM do a good job.
-(After we cut to a shot of a bell-hop looking stunned at the wacky teacher-lady) There was a cut scene I wanted to see. [ME TOO! WHAT WENT ON JUST THEN? This movie should've just been about that Bellhop.]
-(RE: The Bitchy Girl with the pant suit and black gloves on) I dream of being the killer in a Dario Argento film.
-(RE: The body guard in the background who was clearly given no direction) He's really eyeing up that pole. Does it really present a sizable threat?
-(Re: Lizzie's constant squeaking) How much tupperware does she eat?
-Is that baby oil on his nightstand? [He's the dorky friend who will never get laid. Of course it is.]
-(After the umpteenth buffoonish representation of an Italian) And people wonder why Italy switched sides five times in World War II.
-(Lizzie, pretending to be sick/in a state of dementia, calls the annoying principal lady, "Mom?") Oh, no, honey. That passage dried up years ago.
-Italian dude: "Look." Eesa goat.
-(As the dumb bro to the annoying prinicipal) So you gonna spread it or what? This dick ain't gonna empty itself.
-"We do not-a black-a-mail-a our sisters-a." We-a sex-a them.
-The magic was inside you all along. Just like he wants to be.