Author Topic: iJust Finished Watching  (Read 260332 times)

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Offline WhyDontTheyLook

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2145 on: July 31, 2017, 10:41:39 AM »
Ice on Mars -- "Twilight" -- A sparkly vampire and a girl with uncontrollable facial tics are attracted to one another, because the script says they are, dammit.  Taylor Lautner barges in and makes googly eyes at the girl, plus some other werewolves try to murder her in a desperate attempt to prevent the sequels.  Still, it's a better love story than... wait a minute.

Ice on Mars, joined here by Keisha Medford and Josh Robinson, delivers a raucous and hilarious, if sometimes crude, skewering of this utterly charmless film.  The line about rubber balls and hamsters absolutely floored me.  This one is free from the orderoftheleague.com website.

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/ice-on-mars-twilight ]
[ https://orderoftheleague.com/collections/ice-on-mars/products/twilight ]

Dogknob -- "The Trollenberg Terror" (aka "The Crawling Eye") -- A frumpy researcher and a mind-reading act drop in on Trollenberg, where a lot of ominous padding happens before the admittedly fun finish, wherein a bunch of giant eyeballs with tentacles have a go at ruling the world, only to find they can't even rule Forrest Tucker.  And if you can't do that, you might as well just go home.

I enjoyed a couple of the shorts this group riffed as "Puppyknob", so I was hoping for good things.  Unfortunately, while there were some good zingers in the mix here, there was also a lot of ho-hum ones, plus stretches of silence, missed opportunities, and ill-advised attempts to be clever with reverb.  Ultimately, it didn't quite work for me.

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/dogknob-presents-the-trollenberg-terror-aka-the-crawling-eye-vod ]

The Turkey Shoot -- "Death Rage" -- Yul Brynner plays an assassin who'd really like to retire, except he's got One More Job to finish--off the mobster who killed his brother.  He also finds time to interrupt Martin Balsam's drinking, romance the lovely Barbara Bouchet, and teach a young punk the benefits of joining Player's Club.  (No, wait, that was Telly Savalas...)  Yul wanted someone to pay for his vacation in Naples, and this was the result.

Scott Zee is hysterically funny riffing this one.  Perfectly paced, with lines that depend as much on his one-of-a-kind delivery as the words themselves.  This one's presented free on his DailyMotion channel, broken up into four segments--though I recommend watching them all back to back, with an adult beverage of choice close at hand, for maximum effect.

[ https://www.dailymotion.com/Scott_Zee ]
"You never know, in a tight jam a nuclear missile just might come in handy."


Offline zenmichael

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2146 on: August 16, 2017, 09:03:13 AM »
Ice on Mars -- "Twilight" -- A sparkly vampire and a girl with uncontrollable facial tics are attracted to one another, because the script says they are, dammit.  Taylor Lautner barges in and makes googly eyes at the girl, plus some other werewolves try to murder her in a desperate attempt to prevent the sequels.  Still, it's a better love story than... wait a minute.

Ice on Mars, joined here by Keisha Medford and Josh Robinson, delivers a raucous and hilarious, if sometimes crude, skewering of this utterly charmless film.  The line about rubber balls and hamsters absolutely floored me.  This one is free from the orderoftheleague.com website.

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/ice-on-mars-twilight ]
[ https://orderoftheleague.com/collections/ice-on-mars/products/twilight ]


Man, I cannot stress how much I appreciate you doing all these reviews whenever you watch something. I forgot we have Twilight up for free. You get a Twiriff! You get a Twiriff! EVERYBODY gets a Twiriff!
Michael T Bradley
Ice on Mars


Offline WhyDontTheyLook

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2147 on: August 21, 2017, 01:56:10 PM »
Quiptracks -- "Lady in the Water" -- In this soggy M. Night Shyamalan movie, apartment superintendant Cleveland Heep (Paul Giamatti) encounters a naked narf (Bryce Dallas Howard). The assortment of capital-Q Quirky characters living in the complex try to figure out what the hell is up with her, and with the Grass Bears who want to turn her into Opie Cakes. It's probably all very symbolic.

I loved this riff from Quiptracks, though the film is so thin it sometimes threatens to underwhelm their efforts, if that makes sense.  But the jokes are great, particularly when they target Shyamalan's ego, which was never more on parade than it was here.  This is free from the Order of the League website, and makes a great intro for anyone wanting to sample Quiptracks' work.

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/quiptracks-lady-in-the-water ]
[ https://orderoftheleague.com/collections/quiptracks/products/lady-in-the-water ]

Josh Way -- "Fun with Shorts Vol. 10" -- This is another volume of classic shorts riffed by Josh, featuring strange cartoons ("Down the Gasoline Trail", "A Ride for Cinderella", "Meet King Joe"), antiquated life hacks ("Build Your Vocabulary", "The Relaxed Wife", "Using the Bank"), advice on how to be less horribly filth-and-virus-ridden than you clearly are ("Care of the Skin", "Preventing the Spread of Disease"), and what to do if you have entirely too much free time on your hands ("Making Books").

As always, Josh is highly entertaining in his takedowns of these shorts.  I particularly enjoyed his takes on the mind-numbing banality of "Using the Bank" and the propagandistic "Meet King Joe."  I think these riffs are all of comparatively recent vintage (2016), as well.

[ https://shop.joshway.com/magento/index.php/video/fun-with-shorts-volume-10-vod.html ]

Nailsin Theater -- "Cosmos: War of the Planets" -- In this train wreck of a seventies Italian Star Wars rip off, hotshot space captain Kirkini (seriously, his name) punches a superior officer, complains about computers, and then heads off to Vega to shoot stuff.  Meanwhile, the crew has mind sex on the Internet.  I think.  It's actually less comprehensible than I make it sound.

Okay, that was the movie.  Now, the riff.  *long, long sigh*  I can't say I wasn't warned--it says right in the description on the product page that "bathroom humor is deployed throughout the film".  I guess I wasn't expecting 'deployed' to mean 'larded on like, well, lard.'  And while bathroom humor can be funny, none of Nailsin's material worked for me, even a little.  YMMV, of course.

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/cosmos-war-of-the-planetsvod ]
"You never know, in a tight jam a nuclear missile just might come in handy."


Offline WhyDontTheyLook

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2148 on: August 31, 2017, 12:13:06 PM »
Toast and Rice -- "The Nasty Rabbit" -- In a plot to destroy America, a Soviet sub captain sends an agent with a rabbit carrying a vial of a deadly something-or-other to the continental divide, where the apocalypse will be unleashed.  He has to contend with witless singers-turned-spies (Arch Hall Jr.), a variety of racist stereotypes, and a grueling amount of unfunny slapstick before failing completely.

While Toast and Rice doesn't usually do much of the 'angry' style of riffing, there was a fair amount of anger in this one... but I can't blame him one bit.  This movie was of a kind where, when Arch Hall Jr. shows up, you think, 'man, he's kinda slumming to be showing up in this turd.'  Lots of good riffs, as usual, but gird your loins for Rollergator-level pain from the film.

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/the-nasty-rabbit-vod-from-toast-and-rice ]
[ https://gumroad.com/toastandrice ]

That's Cool, That's Trash -- "Invasion of the Bee Girls" -- Scientists working on top secret government projects are dropping dead of sexual exhaustion, and government agent Neil Agar is there to investigate.  He finds mad science, strange dialogue, massive plot holes, horny locals, and naked bee women in his quest to uncover the truth.  None of it makes much sense, but as bad movies go, this one's a lot of fun (well, except for the rape scene, really could've done without that).

The That's Cool That's Trash crew has a lot of fun mocking this one.  Some very funny lines, a lot of good banter between the guys, well-paced, and really in sync with the overall vibe of the movie.  How much you enjoy it may depend on your tolerance for sixties-style sexploitation and balding scientists as horny swingers, but if you're down for that, check this out.

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/thats-cool-thats-trash-presents-invasion-of-the-bee-girls ]
http://www.thatscoolthatstrash.com/2017/03/the-wild-guitar-riff-is-finally-here.html ]

FilmRoasters -- "Laser Mission" -- A diamond has been stolen by vaguely Cuba-ish agents, so that it can (somehow) be converted into a nuclear weapon, with the unwilling help of Ernest Borgnine and his wandering accent.  So the FBI sends Brendan Lee on 'some kind of laser mission' to get it back.  Which involves wandering the desert with a squeaky-voiced KGB agent until its time to end the movie with incomprehensible action.

This is a pretty good entry from FilmRoasters, with lots of good lines.  Some of them miss (they have more of an off-the-cuff style than much of what I watch), but a lot more hit.  The innate goofiness and wtf-fery of the movie itself works well with their style.

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/filmroasters-laser-mission-vod ]
"You never know, in a tight jam a nuclear missile just might come in handy."


Offline mikelesq

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2149 on: September 01, 2017, 09:14:49 AM »
Glad you liked the riff.  The Nasty Rabbit was a tough one.  Not only is it deeply bad, but the stereotypes...ugh.  That was a rough one to watch over and over again.


Offline WhyDontTheyLook

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2150 on: September 14, 2017, 08:01:13 AM »
Drawback Productions -- "Meltdown" -- Agent John Thomas (Christopher J. Martin) is being targeted by both the gang he tried to infiltrate and his own bosses in the F.B.I.  Will he evade capture long enough to take down the bad guys?  Does he stand a chance against Joe Estevez's heavy breathing and Robert Z'Dar's singing?  Seeing as he's the director and writer, in addition to being the lead... yeah.

I loved the riffing on this from Drawback Productions from start to finish.  They had an absolute gold mine of a movie to work off of, filled with bad writing, directing, location scouting, stunt..ing, and everything else, and ran with it.  This one's free to stream either on Yahoo or the Order of the League website.  Check it out, I don't think you'll be disappointed.

[ https://orderoftheleague.com/collections/drawback-productions/products/meltdown ]
[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11jXg-G_sGM ]

Hor-Riff-Ic -- "Poltergeist" (1982) -- In 80s suburbia, a family is doing 80s suburban crap--selling houses, smoking weed, listening to the TV people and doing what they say--when screwy things start happening.  For the first hour, it's slowish, with some stacked chairs here and a linoleum slide there.  Then Drew Barrymore gets abducted and things get weird.

Hor-Riff-Ic is hilarious here, of course, mocking the pacing, logic, and everything else with their usual good pacing and fun interaction.  It doesn't quite hit the peaks of some of their other riffs, if only because the movie, while dated, is still a lot of fun on its own, and sometimes steals attention away from the riffing.  (Or maybe the dull remake just made me appeciate it that much more.)

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/hor-riff-ic-poltergeist ]

Turkey Shoot -- "Assignment: Terror" -- In this Spanish... um... 'monstersploitation' movie, aliens from the planet Ummo, their planet dying, decide to conquer Earth. They decide the best way to do this is to capture and enlist Dracula, the Wolf Man, the Mummy, and Frankenstein's Monster (or closely-named soundalikes thereof).  It goes about as well as you'd expect it to.

This is a strange and not terribly coherent movie, and Scott Zee is incredibly funny as always riffing on it in his own inimitable style.  This one is free (in four parts) on his Dailymotion, and its worth the sometimes struggle with the way Dailymotion does things to check it out.

[ https://www.dailymotion.com/Scott_Zee ]
"You never know, in a tight jam a nuclear missile just might come in handy."


Offline wherethefishlives

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2151 on: September 14, 2017, 04:13:30 PM »
Thanks, W.D.T.L.

Meltdown is about as obscure as movies get. I only discovered it through work (DVD Quality Control). All of this client's films were uniquely terrible movies that they could cheaply slap onto a DVD and throw into the bargain bin. THIS was the worst of all of them. It was also the best time I ever had at work. It was a Friday and everybody was screwing off all day anyway, so they didn't mind me running to get them any time something stupid happened in the movie (Z'Dar is singing (!) to two women that he's got trapped on top of an upright piano! Everyone who gets shot is wearing a fresh white T-shirt! The sound is being recorded on a microphone that's sitting on a desk (dialog = inaudible / folders being put down = deafening)!). Consequently, it took me six hours to get through this movie and each one of them was a joy. I mean, my daughter being born was a great day, but... Meltdown, you guys. Watch it. Please. You'll be very happy. If you don't like Drawback, it's on youtube without the commentary. I just want this movie to be part of the bad movie lexicon.


Offline ithonicfury

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2152 on: September 16, 2017, 07:00:24 AM »
Anytime in a movie someone is menacingly looking for someone who is hiding from them, in my mind I can't help but think of "ITS MONOPOLY TIME...I'm Boardwalk!"

Meltdown is great.
« Last Edit: September 16, 2017, 07:03:56 AM by ithonicfury »


Offline WhyDontTheyLook

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2153 on: September 16, 2017, 08:50:56 AM »
Thanks, W.D.T.L.

Meltdown is about as obscure as movies get. I only discovered it through work (DVD Quality Control). All of this client's films were uniquely terrible movies that they could cheaply slap onto a DVD and throw into the bargain bin. THIS was the worst of all of them. It was also the best time I ever had at work. It was a Friday and everybody was screwing off all day anyway, so they didn't mind me running to get them any time something stupid happened in the movie (Z'Dar is singing (!) to two women that he's got trapped on top of an upright piano! Everyone who gets shot is wearing a fresh white T-shirt! The sound is being recorded on a microphone that's sitting on a desk (dialog = inaudible / folders being put down = deafening)!). Consequently, it took me six hours to get through this movie and each one of them was a joy. I mean, my daughter being born was a great day, but... Meltdown, you guys. Watch it. Please. You'll be very happy. If you don't like Drawback, it's on youtube without the commentary. I just want this movie to be part of the bad movie lexicon.

Not to mention all the background noise (lawn mowers, engines running, etc) just left in rather than do more takes. That was... an interesting decision.

I'm also wondering if there was more to RZ's song than was shown. Probably not, as that would imply editing took place on this movie. Yet, I can still dream there's a full version, involving dancing.
"You never know, in a tight jam a nuclear missile just might come in handy."


Offline wherethefishlives

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2154 on: September 19, 2017, 06:06:47 AM »
Anytime in a movie someone is menacingly looking for someone who is hiding from them, in my mind I can't help but think of "ITS MONOPOLY TIME...I'm Boardwalk!"

Meltdown is great.

When I want my wife to hurry up, I'll say, "Put a little leg in this fucker." Z'Dar is a revelation.


Offline WhyDontTheyLook

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2155 on: September 29, 2017, 02:52:41 PM »
Cinester Theater -- "Willow" -- Willow's just an everyma... er, every-Nelwyn farmer, plowing his fields and taking no shit from Billy Barty, when suddenly and without warning he has a Evil-Ruler-Death-Causing baby floated at him.  From there, he's trapped in a painfully generic fantasy quest, forcing him to share screen time with Val Kilmer in order to complete it.

I tremendously enjoyed Cinester Theater's takedown of this stupefyingly charmless film.  Lots of good lines, effectively paced, and fun from beginning to end--all phrases that can't be applied to Willow itself.  Unlike with their riff of 'Neverending Story,' there's no danger of the movie upstaging them here.

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/cinester-theater-presents-willow ]
[ https://gumroad.com/cinestertheater ]

Voidburger and Bob -- "Silent Hill" -- Disturbed by her daughter's penchant for sleepwalking and hanging out near steep cliffs, a mother takes her daughter to Silent Hill, an abandoned town in coal country.  Things devolve from there, as she is beset by wiggly, oily monsters and contrived plot twists.  Sean Bean, meanwhile, tries to insert himself in the film, only to be sent home.

I do like this movie, despite its many, many flaws, and I suspect Voidburger and Bob do as well, despite the shellacking they give it.  The riff is pretty funny overall, though the jokes grow kind of sparse toward the end.

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/voidburger-and-bob-silent-hill ]

FilmRoasters -- "Somewhere, Tomorrow" -- Young Sarah Jessica Parker hits her head on a rock and falls in love with a ghost.  She's hoping the ghost will break up her mother and her mother's new beau, but nothing doing.  There's also a lot of talking about horses getting it on, and a 'twist' ending you'll see flying in from another county.

This riff from FilmRoasters made less of an impression on me than others of theirs I've watched.  Nothing to do with the riff itself, which had a lot of funny lines.  Rather, I think it was this movie just actively repelled my attention with the sheer irritation produced by Parker's whiny teen character, the writing, the acting, etc, etc.  If you can get past that, this is worth a look.

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/filmroasters-somewhere-tomorrow-vod ]
"You never know, in a tight jam a nuclear missile just might come in handy."


Offline Darth Geek

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2156 on: October 06, 2017, 08:40:41 AM »
So we're only a few months away from iRiffmas already. I don't know what I'm planning on doing for it this year. I don't think I can top the whole year long thing I did last year. Does anybody have any ideas?



Offline RoninFox

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2157 on: October 06, 2017, 09:09:04 AM »
So we're only a few months away from iRiffmas already. I don't know what I'm planning on doing for it this year. I don't think I can top the whole year long thing I did last year. Does anybody have any ideas?

Can't think of anything specific, other than you shouldn't even try and top that year long giveaway. I think we were all blown away by how much you put into that.
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Offline Darth Geek

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2158 on: October 07, 2017, 07:03:06 PM »
So we're only a few months away from iRiffmas already. I don't know what I'm planning on doing for it this year. I don't think I can top the whole year long thing I did last year. Does anybody have any ideas?

Can't think of anything specific, other than you shouldn't even try and top that year long giveaway. I think we were all blown away by how much you put into that.
I'm glad people are appreciative of that, it was pretty successful, and a lot of work.



Offline WhyDontTheyLook

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Re: iJust Finished Watching
« Reply #2159 on: October 16, 2017, 07:23:14 AM »
Team Swizzlebeef -- "The Great Alaskan Mystery, Chapter 8" -- Okay, watching this one out of order, since it was just recently posted, but really, given how much padding GAM has and how little most of the chapters advance the story, it doesn't matter.  The Peratron's been stolen, and the characters who escaped death at the start of the episode fart around for fifteen minutes until it's time to be menaced again.  Team Swizzlebeef, of course, turn in a hilarious riff on this wheeze of an episode.  If there was any rust from not having riffed in a while, it didn't show.

[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Llz6hZ3xqMQ ]
[ https://thegreatalaskanmysteryriff.wordpress.com ]

J.C. Walsh -- "Alone in the Dark" (2004) -- There's precious little aloneness, a lot of darkness, and way too much Uwe Boll-ness in this hilariously terrible movie based on a much better video game.  Christian Slater and Tara Reid team up to try to stop the end of the world and avoid emoting, and succeed at one of these.

I decided to check out this riff after reading recommendations from (far) earlier in this topic, and was glad I did.  J.C. Walsh, a solo riffer with a great voice and some good comic timing, mines this amazingly wretched movie for a lot of laughs.  I'll definitely be checking out more of his riffs.

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/alone-in-the-dark ]

Toast and Rice -- "Sisters of Death" -- Years after a tragic 'accident' during a sorority initiation, a group of women are reunited and invited to hang out at an undisclosed location with no access to their vehicles, and of course they accept.  From there, a scenery-chewing madman hunts them down one by one, until a twist in the ending gets him.

A very funny riff from Toast and Rice on this terrible-but-also-kinda-fun seventies schlockfest.  There were a lot of good lines in this one, nicely paced, and it's my favorite of the several riffed versions of this movie I've seen in the last few years.

[ https://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/sisters-of-death-vod ]
[ https://gumroad.com/toastandrice ]
[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NURjfLOcUEs ]
"You never know, in a tight jam a nuclear missile just might come in handy."